The one year anniversary of A Good Husband came and went without much fanfare (first post here).  This has been a modest project by any measurement, but I am glad that it has been met with well wishes by so many of you.  For the next few days, until after the New Year, I want to share with you some of the best posts from the last year.

The Xbox Conundrum was my first post that got Dugg and Stumbled.  There were dozens of comments (now erased after I moved servers) from women about how they became Xbox widows.  This post inspired me to do a little digging to find out how many women this was happening to, and how real video game addiction is.

Here’s the post, in its entirety:

At my company work party they gave away a bunch of video game consoles. I won an Xbox 360. I’ve wanted an Xbox for a really long time now. I haven’t had one since the Sega Genesis (anybody else remember Shining Force, that game was awesome!).

I was absolutely ecstatic last night when I won. I made a bit of a fool of myself because I was so excited (but I do that on a regular basis, so no one was surprised). I jumped up and down and screamed a lot. My co-workers were excited for me so that I can join the ranks of after work online play.

My coworker’s wife said, “Does your wife know she’s never going to see you again?”

It made me stop and pause. I thought about how much some men that I know play Xbox. While her comment was said jokingly it held a kernel of truth. Her husband is a good guy. He works hard at work, and is a valuable employee. I also believe that he’s a good husband and father to their children.

It made me think. How much time is too much time in front of the video game console? It’s a serious issue. With so much media out there distracting our time, and treatment programs opening worldwide for video game addiction, men (and women) have to evaluate how much time they’re spending in front of the screen.

EDIT: Derek Semmler over at Dad Balance has made a note on how the Nintendo Wii can help you experience time travel.

Even if we’re not addicted, how much time is too much time? What do you think?

The Polls are officially closed and the results are in. I’ll leave the polls up on the right over the weekend for people to view.

Ladies: with 30 votes cast, you are obviously more vocal than the men. 9 of you felt that 2 hours was too much time on the video game console.

Men: with 20 votes cast, I realize that my blog has still not done its job to motivate you to respond, at least not to the extent of the ladies. However, I have realized that I finally found something men and women can agree on - 2 hours is too much time.

Some of you thought more, some though less.

An interesting note: only two men and two women responded that video games are for children. Perhaps those people need to rethink their view of video games. The average gamer is now 35 years old, and the video game industry is starting to approach the movie industry in size and scope.

Surprisingly enough, four ladies voted for “as much as he would like to.” If you were one of those voters, I would be interested in hearing your thought process behind that - leave a comment here.

For everyone: How has gaming affected your married life?

On that note, I’m buying Rock Band this weekend, so my game time will be going back up to around 3-4 hours for a few days (weeks). At least this one I can play with my wife. I’ll also be a blog and beer tonight if any of you are in Portland and want to meet up.

I want to hear from men and women. How much time on the Xbox (or Wii, or Playstation, or whatever) is too much time? Some people think only an hour is too much, while others think they are entitled to play as much as they want? There are two polls, one for men and one for women on the right hand side of this page. Let me know what you think! The polls close Friday morning and I will post the results there.

Hello helpful, loyal (thrifty, brave and kind) readers. I appreciate all of you and your insight. Some of you may not have noticed, but a woman posted a comment on one of my popular posts, The Xbox Conundrum, about how her husband won’t stop playing video games.

Perhaps you all might have some helpful suggestions for her?

“My husband get’s up in the morning and the first thing he does is turn on Guild Wars. He ignores his job until around 10:30 a.m. sometimes until noon or later, then finally takes off to do his rounds. But because he get’s such a late start, he’s out working until 7 p.m. at times. He is in pest control so he has appointment windows of 4 hours, and he’s usually late to most of them. So when you people out there are waiting for some guy to come over for an appointment, realize he might be at home gaming waisting your time. So,… when he get’s home at night, he gives me a kiss and says how was your day, pretends to show me his time. We tak about what food we will eat and sit for a minute. Which is really obvious that it’s applied behavior, only to passify me and can’t wait to go log into his Guild again. Of which he proceeds to play until 2 a.m. in the morning, or at least midnight. I go to bed alone almost every night. We have sex about twice a month. So what do you think?”

I responded to her asking for more details and she provided the following:

“oh yes,I have talked to him many, many, many times. The right way in the first 3 1/2 years, with love, patients and understanding. He kows I grew up with 5 boys and I don’t act like a reguar girl. I “get” men better than the average woman. I don’t just want to complain about something, I want answers and solutions just like a man cause that’s what my brothers taught me. So much so that I can hardly even relate to women very much. I also don’t put him through long, drug out conversations. I give him “cave time” etc, etc. I know the deal. Trust me. Then with the overwhelming frustration, I began to loose myself control with how I presented my feelings. I just can’t take it anymore. Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel now. I’m lost in absolute sorrow because he just doesn’t care. I’ve been reading about gamming addiction and he definately has that going on as far as I can tell. I’ve tried to talk to him about that too. He agreed, then fails to make good on his promises….. On any of his promises I’m afraid.”

Anonymous, I hope that you are still watching. The community here can provide some useful insight.

Any suggestions, anyone?

Is video game addiction real? It depends on who you ask. Psychologists and sociologists are debating this question as we speak.

I’ve had lots of people searching for answers to this question on my blog. Men love video games, right? In my last post about video games I mentioned that for many men it’s not an addiction, it’s just a passionate hobby.

Sometimes There Is A Bigger Problem

For other men, however, video games are a serious problem. There are three reported cases of men dying because they played video games for three days or more without sleeping, eating, or drinking. It should be pointed out that all of these deaths were gamers addicted not to XBOX or other consoles, but to Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Games (MMORPG’s) like World of Warcraft or Everquest.

There was a medical conference on the issue in 2007. Video game addiction has not yet become an official diagnosis like alcohol or pornography addiction, but it has not been ruled out either.

How to Tell If You or Your Spouse Is Addicted

If you have four or five of the following problems, you might need to seek professional addiction help with your gaming habits:

1. Persistent thoughts of the activity or performance of the activity. (Preoccupation)
2. Need for increased time spent on the activity to achieve satisfaction or diminished reward for the same amount of time spent on the activity. (Tolerance)
3. Inability to control, stop or diminish the behavior. (Loss of control)
4. Restlessness or irritability when prevented from partaking in the activity. (Withdrawal)
5. Lying to friends or family about extent of involvement with activity. (Continuance despite adverse consequences)
6. Committing illegal acts to sustain activity. (Continuance despite adverse consequences)
7. Relying on others to finance activity. (Continuance despite adverse consequences)

What to Do About It

There is just one official treatment center for video game addiction in the USA, and a facility has been opened in Amsterdam. China has one too.

Most scientists agree that video games do not physically cause addiction like drugs or alcohol. Games are instead the means of avoiding some sort of other problem. My recommendation is that if you feel that you are having a problem with gaming then talk to someone about it. Talk to your spouse, a friend, your mother, or a therapist. Find out what it is that you are trying to avoid. Face your problem.

Remember, for most people, video gaming is simply a serious hobby like boating, stamp collecting, or others. If your gaming is causing a problem with your life however, then you need to face up to and do something.

Women are looking for ways to help their husbands play less Xbox. I’ve received a fair amount of traffic to this post from people typing these searches:

It’s not that women want their husbands to stop playing altogether, but that many men are playing far too much. Well, I asked, how much is too much? I began taking informal surveys of women around me, young and old and came up with a few insightful responses.

One woman said that she read once in Ann Landers that anytime an activity takes time away from things that are important to you and you can’t change how much time you’re spending on it, then you’re addicted to it. Pretty good way to sum it up, if you ask me.

Another woman said that it’s not so much that her husband plays Xbox (or other video games) too much, it’s just that he spends more time on video games than he spends on her.

That’s the important point. She’s not concerned about the activity, but about her.

Men, this is what we have to understand. Our wives aren’t the whining nags that we sometimes think they are. They are sweet, beautiful, lovely women who crave attention from the man that they chose to devote the rest of their lives to. You.

Realizing this, I started asking some of my married guy friends about this problem. In typical guy fashion, the conversation wasn’t very long, but informative nonethless.

One male friend mentioned that while Xbox is just a game or a thing to do, it is also a way of escaping. Women for most part are relationship oriented, they deal with their problems by talking about them. Men deal with their problems by holing up in their cave until they have thought it out, or they’ve distracted themselves enough from the problem that it doesn’t seem as large anymore.

One friend even went so far as to say that if he didn’t have video games, his relationship with his wife and children would suffer. Why? Because when he has a long day at work, then comes home and helps with the kids, plays with them, listens to his wife for a while and shows her he cares about her, he needs some time to himself because he hasn’t been able to unwind and release the stress of the day yet. He does that by escaping into another world where he gets to be a hero or at least a superman of some kind.

Every man needs to feel appreciated and heroic. Video games fulfill this need in some strange, small way. Just enough to release the stress that comes from a regular day of slaying dragons.

So then the question that I come to, which I posed before (and still never really answered), is this: how much time is too much time in front of the video game console?

I think different couples have to work it out in different ways, but it’s true that it has to be worked out. The majority of video game players are over age 30. Halo 3 showed that video games can have bigger opening weekends than some movies. These statistics show that video games are quickly becoming a major part of our entertainment choices. Just like any other issue that comes up in a relationship, if it’s important to one spouse, then it should be treated with respect by the other.

Some suggestions for Good Husbands:

• Your wife comes first. If she needs your attention, assume that she respects you enough to ask only when it’s important.
• Talk to your wife about how much you like gaming, why you like it, and how it helps your relationship. Compromise with her on how much time is realistically okay to play.
• Don’t let games take away from family time. Plan your gaming time, your family time, and alone time with your wife, and don’t let one interfere with the other.
• Check in with your wife on occasion while you are playing, just to let her know you love her and care about her. After you’re done, go to her and let her know how much you appreciate her.

Some suggestions for wives:

• Don’t belittle your husband’s love of gaming. Many video games are mature, sophisticated and inspire a great deal of loyalty. Treat it like any other adult hobby. You can’t give a “no video games ever rule.”
• If your husband needs space, let him have it. Men don’t deal with problems the same way women do. Let them get some stress relief and fun. Don’t talk to him while he’s trying to game.
• Try playing a game with him. 38% of video games are played by women, and that percentage is growing as developers figure out ways to attract female players.
• Don’t automatically be available every time your husband is not playing video games. Find things you enjoy doing and schedule them when your husband is playing and you’ll be less stressed about his gaming.

We could use your suggestions. I’m sure I haven’t thought of everything, so I’d love to hear how you sorted it out in your relationships, or how you would sort it out.

At my company work party they gave away a bunch of video game consoles. I won an Xbox 360. I’ve wanted an Xbox for a really long time now. I haven’t had one since the Sega Genesis (anybody else remember Shining Force, that game was awesome!).

I was absolutely ecstatic last night when I won. I made a bit of a fool of myself because I was so excited (but I do that on a regular basis, so no one was surprised). I jumped up and down and screamed a lot. My co-workers were excited for me so that I can join the ranks of after work online play.

My coworker’s wife said, “Does your wife know she’s never going to see you again?”

It made me stop and pause. I thought about how much some men that I know play Xbox. While her comment was said jokingly it held a kernel of truth. Her husband is a good guy. He works hard at work, and is a valuable employee. I also believe that he’s a good husband and father to their children.

It made me think. How much time is too much time in front of the video game console? It’s a serious issue. With so much media out there distracting our time, and treatment programs opening worldwide for video game addiction, men (and women) have to evaluate how much time they’re spending in front of the screen.

EDIT: Derek Semmler over at Dad Balance has made a note on how the Nintendo Wii can help you experience time travel.

Even if we’re not addicted, how much time is too much time? What do you think?