Last night Lissie and I were out having sushi and, as always, she ordered a bowl of miso soup.  It’s her favorite, her nectar of the gods, if you will.  She turns to me and she says, “I love it.”  We both looked at each other for a moment, each knowing what the other was thinking, and she smiled and said, “Remember in elementary school when you used to say that, and other kids would say” and I interrupted her, “Oh yeah?  Well why don’t you marry it?”

We laughed and talked a little more.  Lissie mentioned that she loved miso so much because it made her happy.  You know, those foods that help you relax, feel centered, and make all right with your day?  For her, miso is that food.

And then we both reflected on how that’s what marriage should be like.  Shouldn’t marriage make you relaxed, centered, and feel like as long as your partner is there for you, all is right with your day?  I thought so.

I finished planning my anniversary vacation, so I don’t have to flaggelate myself, and last night Lissie and I were watching So You Think You Can Dance.  I can’t believe Will got voted off.  Seriously.  I’m really distraught about it.  It was however, a great ending to a great evening.

It’s true.  Just in case you hadn’t noticed, I am in love with my wife.

She is smart, funny, and has a strength of spirit about her that usually only comes to those who have endured long term suffering (and no, I’m not talking about living with me).  Plus, she’s a total babe who still wears a size six.

We’ve been watching old episodes of the Dick Van Dyke show (because there aren’t any new ones).  You know, the one where Mary Tyler Moore plays his wife.

I was amazed while watching the show, because it seems as though my marriage is a throw back to an earlier (black and white) time.  The way my Lissie and I interact is so reminiscent of the relationship between Van Dyke and Moore’s that it’s uncanny to me sometimes.

People say that old time TV marriages were fallacious, untrue, and misrepresentative of what real marriage was like.  I can honestly say that right now, I feel like I’m living a 1960’s sitcom marriage, and it’s just wonderful to me.

Not perfect.  I didn’t say that.  Wonderful, all the same.

Some of you know that I have been in talks with a publishing company to write a book. Yeah! I’m excited!

I’d like some input from all of you. In fact, I’d like more than your input. I’d like your involvement.

You see, from this book I plan on expanding A Good Husband into an even more vibrant online community that serves as a resource for men who really want to be the best husbands they can be, and for women who want to help their men.

I’ve had several discussions with my potential editor, so I’ll throw some ideas out, but I’d like to know what you would like to see in a book about Good Husbands. I think that it’s pretty obvious that few people would want to see a bound repackaging of all my posts (boring!).

Here’s my major questions:

What have you read here that has really inspired you? What would you like to see elaborated on?

Ladies, what do you want to know about men?

Men, what do you want the ladies to know about us?

If there’s a lot of involvement, this could easily become a community project. I don’t pretend to be the fount of all knowledge, and the collective advice of the community could turn this into something very, very amazing.

Please leave your comments, and let your friends know that there is a community book building discussion going on. I promise to give regular updates on what’s going on if you’ll help!

At church on Father’s Day there were three beautiful stories shared about three great fathers.

One father shared his thoughts about his son who is currently hundreds of miles away doing missionary work. He talked about how proud he is of the growth that his son is going through.

One woman shared her feelings about her father who provided a living for the family, was a bishop in a lay ministry for his congregation, and was always there to talk to his daughter, even though he was paralyzed from the waist down - in the late 1950’s and early 1960’s.

Another man shared his memories of his father who was known throughout the business community as a good and honest man who was always good to deal with.

Photo courtesy of Masterninja.com

These stories are inspiring and wonderful, but they reflect the difficulty that I have had every Father’s Day since I was a teenager. You see, I grew up without knowing my biological father, and my stepfather was a less than ideal role model. I’ve always looked at Father’s Day as a painful experience, when I become acutely aware of what I missed growing up.

We all have our baggage. I really admire the daddy bloggers out there who are willing to admit when they make mistakes or don’t know something. I admire even more the ones that take a stand on important issues and give their hearts to their kids and their wives.

I’m not really afraid that I’m going to become a bad father (when I do have kids) so much as wonder how to be a good father. I’ve read books, listened to advice, and eavesdropped on lots of conversations, so I have lots of good ideas in theory - but we all know how good theory is when your two year old has just put an entire case of toilet paper down the toilet, along with his blocks and the puppy.

So, perhaps some day I will enjoy Father’s Day. Maybe when I’m a father and feel like a success I’ll feel that it’s a day of celebration.

For those of you who don’t know, I announced on June 2 that I was going on a four day media fast. This is the first post in a series of posts about what I learned from that experience.
One of the things that Tim Ferriss mentions in the inspiration to this media fast, the Four Hour Work Week, is how so many people are afraid to try anything new or different simply because they may end up not liking the new thing after all. People fear career change because they wonder if they may not like their new career after all.
I went through this.
I studied acting in college. Performing is my passion. There’s nothing like standing on a stage and pouring your heart and soul into a performance. I performed professionally for a couple of years and accumulated some experience. Right around December of 2006, I hit a wall. Financially, I was broke. Emotionally, I was exhausted. Performing takes its toll and when you don’t get any sort of substantial financial compensation, you’re forced to take all sorts of odd jobs to make things meet. I was working something like 60 hours a week and I didn’t even have health insurance. This was a problem, since my wife has been sick for a number of years.
Without realizing it, I started looking for a way out.
It took a while for me to take that way out. I continued to perform and direct full time throughout the next 8 months or so, and continued to take odd jobs as they came along. In a flurry of activity, we left Utah, traveled on a shoe-string budget for the Summer, ended up in Portland, and I found a full time job with regular day time hours and benefits.
A few months after I started working I started having doubts. I had never seen myself in the corporate world and here I was, a cubicle jockey. I was performing well. The company started talking about promoting me after three months and while I was smiling and saying, “Yeah, I’d love a promotion,” the whole time I was thinking, “What am I doing? This isn’t what I studied. This isn’t what I want to do with the rest of my life!” I talked with my wife about it, we prayed and fasted to know what to do, and wonderful woman that she is, she told me that she was willing to support me whatever I decided.
For me, the choice was either quit the job and go back to the unhappy, exhausted, broke lifestyle that I was living before, or continue at this job, which was fun and financially very rewarding, but not my true passion. I kept wondering if I wasn’t giving up a little bit of my soul.
So, what does this have to do with my media fast?
Obviously, I decided to stay at the job. They promoted me about six weeks ago. I’m now a sales manager. Even as I was training for the new position I kept wondering if I was making the right decision. I never came to a resolution, however. I’d get home from work and if I didn’t have anything to do, I would play video games, watch TV, or listen to music. I didn’t want to deal with my situation.
I knew that I had to, however. So I turned it all off for four days. I realized during that time, that I had to make a decision as to what I was going to do. I couldn’t keep beating myself up over it. You can’t fight an internal battle and still win the external battles that rage every day.
I pondered back and forth and after some time I remembered what Tim Ferris said about putting things on pause. Just because I was walking away from the professional performing career didn’t mean that I couldn’t go back to it. In all honesty, it’s pretty easy to become a starving artist. I am having fun at my new job, I realized, and I’m able to do things that I never thought I would be able to do – like help my wife get a pacemaker, go on a long vacation, or possibly buy a home. I started realizing that I wasn’t seeing all of the possibilities inherent in my new life, because I was still clinging to the old way of doing and seeing things.
Now, I recognize that it’s far more common for people to give up business careers and pursue artistic or non-profit work – at least, that’s the stereotype. I know a few of you will tell that I’m giving up my passion, but here’s the thing: I know I can go back to it.
A few years ago I did a performance with a few older guys who told me that they wished that they had never left the theatre. They were middle aged, pudgy, and all had health problems. They were just getting back into performing and they all talked about how they envied me. It was funny because I sat there envying them. Not for their fancy cars, nice clothes, or big paychecks, but because they had something that I had never experienced: stability.
In the end, it’s all about what makes you happy, what your bliss is. Having grown up in a poor family with severely limited resources, I have never known what financial stability was like. I’m starting to experience it now, and I think I like it. It’s a new experience that is bringing me the same amount of thrill as standing on stage – at least for now – and I know that it’s my decision to do this, and I’m okay with that.
Related Posts:
Will A Media Fast Help My Marriage?
What Do You Contribute?
Overcoming Fear of Success in Marriage

What good do you do?

Ever stop and ask yourself this question? As a man and a husband, I sometimes wonder if I’m doing any good, or am I just spinning my wheels?

Does what I do matter?

Sure I help people sell things, I write about being a better man and a better husband, but does it matter? What’s the impact?

It’s good for a man to sit back and reflect on his life now and again and say, “You know what, this thing that I do doesn’t benefit anyone. I’m going to cut it out.” Conversely, it’s also good to say, “This thing that I do is of great benefit to me, my family, my friends, or society. I’m going to continue doing it and put in more effort.”

I’m grateful for the fact that I have readers here at A Good Husband. There are a lot of great blogs out there that I really admire. I’m glad that I can make an impact on a few people’s lives and inspire men to grow and change - even if it’s just a little. I’m also grateful that I can inspire a few ladies out there to have faith that they can find a man who is good, honest, and full of integrity.

It’s been a good six months and I look forward to more.

So my question for you then, is this: What do you contribute?

What do you do when you have achieved your dreams?

“The worst fear that I have about this people is that they will get rich in this country, forget God and His people, wax fat, and kick themselves out of the Church and go to hell. This people will stand mobbing, robbing, poverty, and all manner of persecution, and be true. But my greater fear . . . is that they cannot stand wealth.”

Fox Television recently announced a new reality show called “Bad Dads.” The show is about collection agencies going after men who are delinquent on their child support payments. There’s been a flurry of protests against this show. Male issues leader Glenn Sacks has been one of the leaders of the protests. Touched off by a post on his blog and fueled by his supporters, the mainstream media, and others, Fox is under heavy pressure to cancel this upcoming show.

I’m not so sure that’s a good thing.

I come from the background of having a father who skipped out and refused to pay child support. My mother had to go to court and eventually have his wages garnished. In addition, after that happened my father moved and didn’t inform the court where he was so the wage garnishments stopped for a number of years.

I think that “Bad Dads” could help track down some of these men and force them to do their duty.

Now, perhaps I would have a different perspective if my mother had been financially well off, but I grew up poor. I worked and contributed my income to the household finances from the time I was 14 years old. I made it into college, luckily, but had to go into serious debt to pay for it.

While Glenn Sacks makes the argument that this show unfairly portrays men and that you’d never see a show like this about women, it is absolute truth that there are a lot of men out there who don’t take care of their responsibilities.

I’ve written here at AGoodHusband about how negatively men are portrayed in the media. It sickens me. As a product of a delinquent father however, I have a strange emotional reaction to this show.

I’m really not sure that it’s a bad thing. What do you think?

One of my inspirations for starting A Good Husband was the verse from the Book of Mormon that Nephi, a prophet who lived around 600 BC, wrote about why he wrote down the scriptures that he wrote.

15 And upon ^athese I ^bwrite the things of my soul…16 Behold, my ^asoul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my ^bheart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard. 17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great ^agoodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O ^bwretched man that I am! Yea, my heart ^csorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

(2 Nep 4:15-17)

Eventually, there came a time in my marriage when things had to change. We were both extremely unhappy, stressed out, and ready to call it quits. We were quite literally on the edge of filing for divorce. A combination of things changed our minds. Perhaps I’ll write about that experience at another time, but right now I wish to share with you all the song that helped save our marriage.

It’s titled “I’d Give It All For You,” by Jason Robert Brown.

I had a house while you were gone
The week after you left me
I found a couple acres
Near Sarilla Park
I had a house while you were gone
A house with silver shutters
And a driveway laid in marble
And thousands of rooms to fill
And miles of space to fly
And I tried to believe it,
It was better without you
I was safer alone


No, I’d give it all for you
I’d give it all for you by my side once more
Oh, I’d give it all for you
I’d give it all to hold you again
To feel I’m completed
To know there and then
That all that I needed
Was you to fight the fear
And now you’re here


I took a trip while I was gone
I cashed in all my savings
And bought an Eldorado
Drove to Tennessee
I took a trip while I was gone
I drove across the country
And I stopped at lots of diners
And stared at a million stars
And thought I could touch the sky
And I tried to believe it,
It was better without you
I was finally free


No, I’d give it all for you
I’d give it all for you by my side once more
Oh, I’d give it all for you
I’d give it ‘cause the mountains I climb
Get higher and higher
I’m running from time
And walking through fire
And dreams just don’t come true
But now there’s you


God knows it’s easy to hide,
Easy to hide from the things that you feel
And harder to blindly trust
What you can’t understand


God knows it’s easy to run,
Easy to run from the people you love
And harder to stand and fight
For the things you believe


Nothing about us was perfect or clear
But when paradise calls me
I’d rather be here
There’s something between us
That nobody else needs to see


There were oceans to cross
There were mountains to conquer
And I stood on the shore
And I stood on the cliff
And the second before I jumped
I knew where I needed to be


Oh, I gave it all for you
I gave it all for you by my side once more
Oh, I gave it all for you
I gave it ‘cause it’s harder to touch
The things that are dearer
I love you too much
To trust something clearer
I know I fell too far
But here you are

These are just a few of the things of my soul.

I was watching So You Think You Can Dance last night. I’m a big fan of the show. My favorite from the last three weeks of auditions, Robert Muraine, just quit. I’m totally shocked. Before you read any further, you need to have an understanding of this man’s level of talent.

He’s a popper, a hip hop dancer who with major contortion skills and unbelievable showmanship. Nigel, the producer for the show, actually said that Robert was his favorite dancer of the year.

Robert, however, has never done choreography before. He’s a freestyle street performer. After sitting through the first round of choreography, before performing for the judges, he started telling the other contestants that he was going to quit. The judges heard about it and invited him on stage to perform a solo for the other judges, to encourage him. He performed and the other judges were blown away. Mia Michaels told him that he had a duty to the talent and gift that he had been given - that if he quit he would be s*****ng on his talent. They practically begged him not to quit.

But he walked away.

It’s not too much of a stretch for me to relate this to marriage.

I remember early in my marriage when my wife and I were having problems. I’ve talked about it before - even though it’s heart-breakingly painful, divorce is too easy.

Men, if you are considering giving up on your marriage, don’t do it. Your wife loves you, she believes in you, even if it’s just deep down. If your wife is still asking you stay, still trying to work it out with you, then you owe it to her and yourself to not quit.

Five years from now, when you look back on this moment, will you honestly be able to say that you gave it your best shot and went down pouring out your heart and soul? Did you wait for her final vote before you walked away?

Robert Muraine, wherever you are now, I hope that you find the courage to come back and try again.

Related Posts:
Divorce is Too Easy
Would You Divorce Your Wife for Her Health?
What Do You Contribute?