I was born a bastard. I used to hate it when my friend Jeremy would call me that. He did it as a joke because he knew that I never knew my biological father. He and my mother weren’t married when I was conceived, and he took off when he found out my teenage mother was pregnant.

My mother’s string of bad boyfriends ended, when I was nine, in a marriage to a carnie – you know, the guys who work at the traveling carnivals, running those whirly rides and conning kids into throwing their money away. He was a piece of work as well. For nine years I shared a house with a man who mocked and derided my mother and I, drank himself to sleep at nights, and modeled abusive behavior. I spent nights listening to them fight with each other, hearing him hitting her, and understanding that this was marriage.

People are often surprised when they hear about my background. They often think that because I am now Mormon that I must come from a perfect Mormon background. You know, perfect parents who read the Bible daily, serve in the local PTA, and are fine upstanding citizens. Not quite.

People often ask me how I got out alive. What enabled me to break out of my family cycle? Here’s what I did.

Service.

The first thing that got me started on the path of the abuse cycle was service. I was blessed with the opportunity to do some community service work as a high schooler. From that I was presented with the opportunity to become a two year volunteer missionary with the Chinese community in Vancouver, British Columbia. The two years of service allowed me to see the world from a different perspective, get outside myself and away from my situation.

New Role Models.

One of the other great things that came from my missionary service was the opportunity to work with men who modeled good marriage behavior. The man who led the group of missionaries I was with was a kind, gentle, and financially wealthy man who treated his wife as if she were gold. It was a revelation to me. I had never seen men behave that way before, except in old movies. I had always thought that gentlemanly behavior was something of an anachronism that didn’t belong in our times. I learned what a good husband could be like.

Education.

A well rounded education gave me the tools that I needed to become more self aware. When I read the classic writings of the world’s great authors I started to get an understanding of my place in the human race and the history of the world. I can see how my behavior compares to the behavior of the great men of the world.

Escape from Poverty.

George Bernard Shaw said that the greatest sin in the world is poverty. While that may or may not actually be true, poverty is at the root of many social ills. Poverty is the primary cause for a lack of education. Poor people tend to be obese, more violent, and less open to change. I’m still experiencing my own emergence from poverty, but knowing that I have a good job that will provide for myself and my wife has allowed me to change the way that feel about situations that I am confronted with. There is less stress about where rent money is going to come from, a more relaxed attitude about bills in general, and a willingness on my part to give to others.

Prayer.

Last on my list, but certainly not least, communing with the divine has given me a sense of purpose in my life, as well as a direction to go. Prayer has not solved every problem I’ve had, but it has certainly given me the tools to get up and work at solving my own problems.

I still struggle with my childhood. There’s a lot of insecurity inside of me when it comes to marriage. I still have nightmares about being like my stepfather, and I still wish that I could have known my biological father. Sometimes I act a certain way towards my wife and I wonder what could have triggered it – then I remember my stepfather acting that way. Luckily for me, I have an infinitely patient wife who stands by me through all of these struggles.

Being born an illegitimate child may have formed the framework for how my life would go, but it certainly did not set that framework in stone. Anyone who wants to can change themselves. Anyone can move beyond selfishness and serve others. Anyone can recognize the good in others and try to emulate it. Anyone can pull themselves up out of poverty, get an education, and learn to rely on the merits of prayer. Not only can you, but you must. If you want to improve your marriage and your life.

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Mahatma Ghandi.

Leo Babauta over at Zen Habits asks a good question today: How Can You Take More Responsibility Over Your Own Actions?

It’s a good question and worthy of some discussion, specifically how can you take responsibility for your actions in your marriage?

It’s easy, especially in the heat of an argument, to want to blame whatever is wrong with your marriage on your spouse. After all, they started it, right?

Tell me if any of these sound familiar:

- You got into a huge fight over which way the toothpaste should be squeezed. Personally, I’ve always said it should be squeezed from the bottom up - anyone who doesn’t agree is a lazy slob.

- The kid(s) whine(s) all the time. If your spouse wasn’t such a nag or didn’t whine so much themselves, then you wouldn’t have to hear it all the time.

- The fact that you have to do all of the work in regards to paying bills and budgeting really irritates you, but your spouse has no follow through, so you’re stuck with it.

Now, in all actuality, these situations can be completely different if you take personal responsibility for what you can change, and what you cannot. Even if you can’t change anything about the situation, you can change your attitude.

I’m not going to give recommendations on how I would change these situations. Instead, I invite you to comment yourself.

There’s a question being asked by a national women’s magazine. If you’re a member of HelpAReporter’s Mailing List, you already know about this. I thought that Melissa Walker’s question was a good question for my blog, so copy her question here. (I’ll send the best ones on to Melissa. Leave a link, she may quote you in a national mag.)

"For a national women's mag, I need men ages 20-40 to tell me:

How can a woman tell that you are in love with her?

Explain it in 3-4 sentences... is it a look? A gesture you're sure
to make? Meeting your mom? When you let her see your secret
Transformers collection? WHAT?"

For me, I think my wife knows I love her when I do things she likes without her having to ask - like rubbing her feet while we’re watching TV, or ordering a pizza with no sauce on it because I know that’s what she likes.

Let me know, and spread the word!!

Welcome to the second edition of the Manival. The Manival is a blog carnival that brings together the best posts by man bloggers written with men in mind. I’m really excited about the response we got for the first edition. We received 21 great submissions for the second Manival.

If you’re ready to man up, here ya go:

Men like to receive compliments and praise, ladies. Women may joke that men have fragile little egos that need to be stroked, but few things go as far for a man as a little recognition of his inherent worth.

Men, I’m here to tell you that is okay. Women, you should read this story from the Fascinating Woman about how simply complimenting your husband can change your marriage.

In my post on Companionship Inventory I mentioned that my wife and I give each other at least three to five sincere compliments each and every Sunday. This practice was a huge contributor to saving our marriage in those first two difficult years.

Speaking for myself, I find the following three points about praise to be true.

Even though I want it, I find it difficult to accept praise. I love to be told I did a good job. I love it when my wife says the food I made is good, thanks me for providing our income, or tells me I’m good looking. The problem is that I often turn this praise aside. I’ll say things like, “Anybody could have done that,” or “No, I’m not.”

We should receive praise graciously. I know men on the opposite end of the praise receiving spectrum. Their wife says they did a good job and they immediately reply, “Darn right I did.” Some men don’t know how to react when they’re praised.

Hint: Men, the correct response is to say “thank you,” or even “thanks.” Nothing else is necessary, as long as you are gracious. You could perhaps try adding a smile.

To get praise, you should give praise liberally and return praise sincerely. Let your wife know she’s beautiful. Tell her you appreciate her cooking. Rave about how good she is with the kids. Write her a note saying these things so that she can hold onto it. When you get a compliment from someone, try saying something nice about them back.

You don’t have to tell anyone this, but that last one is straight out of my wife’s Miss Manners book (it’s also in Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, if that’s more manly for you). If you can master the art of returning each compliment with something you sincerely appreciate about that person, you will become popular and have lots of friends.

What about all of you? Do you find it difficult to accept or give compliments?

I have to give credit to Elder M. Russell Ballard for this post. At last weekends General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints he gave a talk about how couples with kids can help each other out. Since this blog is about being a better husband, I thought I better share his insights as they relate to men.

To paraphrase Elder Ballard, children are only with parents for about 18 - 20 years. In today’s terms that’s right around just a quarter of their lives. After the kids move away, you need to still be able to live with each other. Here are four suggestions to make this happen:

Show extra appreciation. Notice things, guys. If she cleaned the house, notice it and say something. If dinner is done when you get home, or shortly after, say something. Taking care of kids is a lot of work and if she’s been home all day with the kids, or you’ve been away for a few days, take the time to look around and see what she’s done, then tell her you appreciate it.

Take time to talk with her about each child. Your wife probably understands the kids better than you do anyway, so you should take the time to talk to her about each child individually. Find out what she thinks of each child, what that child’s needs are and what the child is excelling at. Take the time to talk about how to help the child, and how you can help her with her duties as a mother.

Help your wife get away. Whether your wife is a full time mother or not, she deserves some time away now and again. Send her away every once in a while. Tell her to spend some time with girlfriends, go get a facial or manicure, or to just have some quiet time alone. If you just do this without being asked, it’ll make you look even better. Watch the kids for her, and make sure the house isn’t a disaster when she gets back. Believe me, guys, she’ll appreciate it. She’ll also show her appreciation.

Take an active role in the family. Similar to talking to your wife about the kids, but going one step even further. Don’t come home from work and ignore your family. They should be your priority. You may need to bring work home some nights, you may need to have some friends over, play video games, or just have some male alone in the cave time, but make sure that your family is not neglected when you do this. Give your wife a kiss on the cheek, let the kids know you love them, and if you can, plan the time you’ll be away from your family in advance, that way everyone knows about it.

That’s pretty much it. Pretty simple. Here is an audio link to the full talk.

Work was ending yesterday and I was excited because I was heading out with a coworker for an evening of watching manly men beat each other with their fists (UFC is a guilty pleasure). Before logging off of my work computer I checked my personal email.

Message from my wife. She was asking me to come home for a while before I headed out with my friends. She wasn’t feeling well and needed a little tender loving care.

At this point, like most men, several thoughts run through my head. “She knew I had plans this evening … What could be this important … Is she actually ill …” and, of course, the king of these kind of thoughts, “What would happen if I didn’t go home…?”

All of these thoughts passed through my head in a moment. I turned to my coworker and told him that my wife needed me to come home and I would catch up to him later. He was kind enough to not even laugh at me (He’s married and therefore understands…I think).

As some of you know, my wife has a chronic heart condition. After I got home my wife really was rather unwell. She had a bad day. I sat with her and listened to her for about 45 minutes. I just sat and listened, and after she asked questions I made her laugh a little, then made a few suggestions. I didn’t try to fix her problem and I mostly just listened, held her, and made sure she knew that I cared.

By the time we were done, she was smiling and laughing. She even thanked me profusely for coming home and for caring and being kind, acknowledging that she knew that I had plans that evening and didn’t want to keep me from them any longer. It wasn’t that the problem was all gone, but that she felt listened to and cared about.

All told, it took about 90 minutes from the time I walked in the door. After I left, I made it to the UFC fight on time to catch the whole thing and had a great time.

I share this story not because I want to toot my own horn, but because it was a wonderful day in my married life. It was simple, easy, and it brought my wife and I both great joy.

How could you not love that?

The thing is, this story makes it seem so simple. It almost makes our marriage seem perfect. While our marriage is wonderful, it took a lot of work to get to that point, and it’s not perfect yet. Last month I wrote a post about the duties of a husband. In that post I mentioned that your spouse has to be a higher priority than your work, volunteer organizations like church, or your social calendar. The only thing that comes before your spouse is God, and taking care of your self.
Putting my wife first is something that I had to learn the hard way. Shortly after we were married I was working at a retail job and had the responsibility of closing up the store. My wife was really upset and not feeling well and she called and asked me to come home right away. I told her I couldn’t because I had to close the store. We got into a big fight about it on the phone and when I eventually did get home, we fought about it more. It was a sore spot in our marriage for months afterward.

In retrospect I see that the mistake was mine. Of course my wife has to come before my job (it’s not like I was performing surgery on someone), and of course my wife should come before fight night with the guys.

It seems obvious, but I can say the difference between the two situations is that at some point I made the decision to put her first. There have been many instances when I have needed to put my wife first since that early point in our marriage, and every time I put her first, I have never regretted it. I have, however, regretted the times that I did not put her first.

I said it before, and I’ll say it again: No one ever gets to the end of their life and says, “I wish I had spent more time on my career.”

I went to bed last night with a clear conscience, peace of mind, and a loving wife next to me. I am grateful that I made the choices I did and hope to make the same ones in the future.

The question is not do you love her, but how does she know that you love her?

I just saw Enchanted the other day. This song gives me pause to stop and think. Men, as silly as it is, listen to the song and then answer the question for yourself.

What have you done today to make sure that your wife knows you love her? Do you know what would tell her you love her? Do you simply tell her you love her without finding out what she needs in order to really know it?

Wendy over at eMoms at Home got me thinking about failure. I have very diverse interests and I like to try a lot of different things. Most of the time I’m not very good at them when I start. Why do I keep trying new things?

A couple of years ago I took a clown class. That’s right, crazy clothes, red nose, makeup, the whole bit. As part of that class I had to do an exercise that the teacher called The Ring of Fire.

No, not that sort of Ring of Fire.

We had to stand in a circle of our peers and try to make everyone laugh. Not just laugh, but a full on belly laugh. It had to be everyone at the same time, and it had to be an honest, genuine, full on laugh, as judged by the instructor. If you don’t think this sounds difficult, try it sometime. Some people were able to do it fairly quick…it took me 45 minutes.

It’s interesting what you think about when you are in that kind of situation. Your attitude quickly becomes, “Do something, anything! Just do something to make it stop!” I was desperate for success.

Do you know this feeling?

Do you ever have that feeling in your relationships?

I remember several times, after hurting my wife’s feelings, seeing a mental image of that ring of fire exercise. Everyone staring at me while I poured sweat trying to think of something to fix what was going on. I wanted to say something, anything to make my wife feel better.

She now recognizes that face that I make when I’m in the Ring of Fire mode. Usually it makes her laugh, so then I’m off the hook. If the face doesn’t work, then I have to go through with the exercise.

How did people finally succeed at the Ring of Fire? By trying sincerely and failing miserably. You say things, do things, try things, until something works. You can’t be afraid to fall on your face. I try to take this same approach in my marriage. I love my wife and I’ll try anything to make her happy. Usually it doesn’t work and I’m back to starting over, but I think she recognizes that and values our relationship even more for it.

That, or she just enjoys that face I make when I’m in the Ring of Fire.

Have you ever read Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich? I highly recommend it.

For those of you who have never read the book, one of the things that Hill suggests is that you form a mastermind group for your life. Find people who have skills and attributes that you admire, or that you lack, and make them a part of your life.

Henry Ford was a great example of someone who did this. Ford grew up illiterate and uneducated. He had a dream of being rich, however, so he began to surround himself with skilled, educated people. They showed him how to get what he wanted.

I suggest that we do the same with relationships.

When I first got married, I can honestly say that I had no idea what kind of work goes into sustaining a long term relationship. I just didn’t know how it was done. I needed a lot of help. I got that help from not only my wife, but also from my bishop, a couple of good friends my own age, a couple of good friends who were older, and from reading several books on relationships.

The mastermind idea is different from my post on calling in the cavalry for particular situations. Calling in the cavalry means finding experts to take over for particular situations or events. You mastermind group doesn’t step in and do certain things for you. Instead, the relationship mastermind group performs two essential functions:

The mastermind group provides advice on particular subjects. Every once in while my wife does something that doesn’t make any sense to me. I can call up a member of my mastermind group and say, “Hey, my wife did this. What do you think I should do?”

The mastermind group becomes a think tank. When talking about relationships in general with your think tank, you should feel like they are providing useful, uplifting, and enlightening information and insights that will help you. They are the people you can bounce the “what ifs” off of.

In closing, some disparate thoughts on the relationship mastermind group:

- Business people often form mastermind groups to make sure their businesses succeed. There’s no reason that we can’t do the same for our relationships.

- Your mastermind group can be formal or informal, but you should definitely have one.

- Make a list of five to ten people who have relationships that you admire. Those people should be in your relationship mastermind group.

- You should evaluate the success of your mastermind group every year or so to make sure that its working.

- Be a part of someone else’s mastermind group. It’s called paying it forward.