In perfect marriages created in La-La-Land by the Queen Fairy Godfather couples never fight and never hurt each other.

However, sometimes in real marriages there are fights. Sometimes those fights are started by the man, sometimes the woman. Sometimes one feels like winning these arguments. Last night was one of those nights. I engaged in (some) of the following tactics to win that argument:

- You Started it. Sure, the other person started it. And you had nothing to do with it, right? Does it matter? Will figuring out who actually started the fight result in a sudden unification and an international peace accord? “Excuse me Mr. bin Laden, but if you’ll just admit who started it, we can get this thing settled.”

- Clamming up when you know you’re Wrong. A personal favorite of mine, I do this one well. It works best when you get really angry and start shouting things that make no sense. Then, when your spouse points out how what you’re saying is incomprehensible, just stop talking. Don’t do anything else, just keep walking, watching TV, playing Xbox, and ignore the enormous elephant that just walked into the room.

- Force the Issue. So what if your spouse doesn’t want to talk about it? If you force them to talk about it, then it will get resolved, and that is the most important thing. Score extra points by following your spouse through the house, nagging them until they “talk” by exploding in your face.

- Beat a Dead Horse. At some point your spouse will probably give in and say you won just to stave off further fighting. That’s not enough. Make sure you drive the point home, continuing to reiterate your points in meticulous detail until your spouse either walks out the door with their luggage or bows down to you and says yours is the penultimate opinion.

- Blackmail & Extortion. Two words: Withhold Sex.

Reader Suggestions for additional tactics:

- Compare & Contrast. Let your spouse know how poorly they perform compared to an ex-spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend, in law, or parent. Make it crystal clear you prefer the other person over your spouse. Thanks Kevin.

- Raise the Dead. Bring up past issues. Bring up something your spouse said 10 years ago to make a point. That thing you promised to never discuss again? Hit the divorce home run by making a really solid point with that one. Thanks again Kevin.

- Go Non-responsive. Men do this one exceptionally well. To quote Jia, “Continually just say, ‘Kay,’ in response to anything she says. Or just stare at her blankly.”

Unfortunately I won and you know what? That victory was stale indeed.

Perhaps you can help me. Are there are “winning” behaviors that I failed to mention that we can list here, so I can then print the list off and tack it to my forehead so that every time I look in the mirror I can remember not to be a boneheaded idiot?

Your thoughts, comments, and suggestions are welcome.

Just in case you hadn’t noticed, I wanted to point out my subscriber numbers in the top left. A Good Husband finally broke 100 this weekend! Also, be sure to tune in tomorrow for the second edition of the Manival - a blog carnival for men!

When I was a teenager, I had a really, really bad temper. Throw chairs at people bad. I overcame it but every once in a while it sneaks back up on me. I had an experience yesterday that reminded me to be ever watchful of my temper.

I lost my temper on the basketball court.

What I usually do in this situation is brood about what I did and sulk for a little while. What I realized this time, however, is that I can take what I have learned about apologizing to my wife and apply it in this situation. With that said, here are my steps for apologizing:

Feel bad for what you’ve done. Remember when you were a little kid and you hit your sister? I don’t because I’m an only child, but for those of you who do, what happened when Mom found out? She told you to apologize, right? Most little kids will grudgingly acknowledge that they’re sorry, and we call it good. This doesn’t work for adults. In order for an apology to be effective, it must come from the heart.

Admit what you’ve done wrong. A personal pet peeve of mine is the propensity some people have to apologize for everything. They perceive someone getting upset and they automatically apologize, even if they haven’t actually done anything wrong. If you actually feel bad for something, at least to yourself, you should acknowledge what specifically you’ve done wrong.

In the context of my marriage, this is sometimes a challenge for me. Sometimes my wife is upset and I have no idea what I did wrong. These are the times when I have to just suck it up and ask what I did wrong, then try to listen very intently.
Ask for forgiveness. This is the step that many people just jump to right off the bat. As my wife so often tells me, saying “I’m sorry” just doesn’t cut it sometimes. Make it less about you and more about what the other person needs, which leads to my next point.

Make restitution. Just asking for forgiveness is often not enough. Sometimes you’ve cost someone an opportunity, you’ve ruined a beautiful dinner that your wife had planned, or broken your child’s favorite toy. It’s really only a true apology if you can make better what you’ve taken away.

Don’t do it again. Perhaps this seems a little bit obvious, but if you apologize for hitting someone, and then do it again, you’re not going to be seen as very sorry, are you? The same thing applies to ruining dinner, yelling at someone, or forgetting to respond to an email.

Some additional thoughts:

We must remember that apologizing is not weakness. I know a guy who refuses to apologize. He’s a real stereotypical “man’s man” kind of guy. Very full of himself, loud, obnoxious, and belligerent. He refuses to apologize and it drives every one around him crazy. If he would just apologize when he knew that he had done something wrong, then he’d probably be a lot more tolerant.

If you find yourself apologizing over and over for the same thing, you’re doing something wrong. Perhaps you keep doing that thing over and over again, or perhaps you’ve not properly made restitution.

This is the first post in a series of guest posts from different female bloggers around the net.
The ideas for these posts sprang from the question, "What do wives wish good husbands
knew?"  This post is by Glorybeam, author of the blog, "Why I Love My Husband."

“You never…” (take me out; compliment me; help with the
housework, etc.)

“You always…” (go out with your friends; put me down; make a
mess, etc.)

Without realizing it, I had fallen into the trap of all-or-nothing  thinking.  I had a negative perspective, filled with
pessimistic thoughts, towards my relationship with my husband, and towards life.  I was caught in a
downward spiral of depression.

Alaska is a land of extremes — severe cold and darkness throughout  much of the year, and endless
daylight for a short summer. Long, dreary, dark, winter days play havoc on the minds of people;
alcoholism, depression, and suicide are rampant.

I came to Alaska, knowing that I struggled with depression. My father, a minister, had been diagnosed
with severe clinical depression, and died at age 48, ending a life of pain and disability. I grew up
reading my father’s counseling books, and going to counseling. I had met my husband, a future minister,
at Bible School, and together we ministered to others. With fifteen years of marriage and ministry
behind us, we knew that a calling to Alaska, “The Final Frontier,” would be no easy task.

Going into our third winter, I rapidly descended into the vortex of  depression.  I sought help from
every direction, from the medical profession, psychological counseling, behavioral coaching, and
spiritual intervention. I believe that healing came because of my intense motivation for relief, along
with treatment from professionals, and most of all, the attribution of God’s Divine power
to change and heal.  I also believe that one powerful tool was deeply effective in healing not only my
mind but also my marriage.

As I was browsing the web, I came across a blog one day, called “Why I hate my husband.”
My jaw dropped, as I read the daily rants about the stupidity and crassness of the man this woman
had (willingly?) married. What a sad story! Yet, just that morning I had been thinking  negatively about
my own relationship with my husband. I decided, then and there, to put into action a thought I had about
focusing on the good things.

I have always written letters in journal-form, to God, to people I was angry with or offended by, and mostly,
to my husband.  Before we were  married, I had compiled a notebook full of letters, never sent. It was
good therapy. So, I set about to start another notebook, online — a  journal for the world to read. But this
time I planned to force myself to write about 100 reasons why I love my husband.

Before I was even one-third of the way through my goal, an amazing  thing happened.  I started to love my
husband even more! It was quite evident to my husband, of course, and he was most thankful for the
transformation.  He started telling our friends about my blog. Only then did I realize how powerful and
instrumental my blog had been in changing my perspective. It was good therapy!

Is it okay to carry momentos of old girlfriends or ex-wives around with you? What constitutes emotional infidelity?

April writes:

My husband, who I have been married to for almost two years has what we call a “Samantha Box.” This is an old clarinet case with every note, picture, and sentiment that he received from his high school girlfriend…He acts like it’s all innocent, and that he doesn’t have “feelings” for her….but I am just not sure. We are actually really happy together, and I don’t feel threatened as much as I used to. When he went to his parents house over the weekend, he brought back the box and said, “I thought I would bring it back and we could have a little bon-fire.” Now I don’t know if I want to “burn” it because I think I would feel bad about erasing memories. I don’t have anything like that from ex-boyfriends, even my high-school sweetheart… but my exes make my husband look GOOD…so I would have no problem getting rid of the memorabilia.

The question has been edited for length.

Funny, when I asked my wife about this, she implied that if I had a “Samantha box” that I would probably be in mortal danger…and I believe it.

When I asked our older room mate, however, she said “What’s the big deal? It was years ago, right?”

I suppose it’s all in how you look at it, and that’s just the key here. Your husband should respect your boundaries. He should be putting you first at every turn, and I can honestly see how keeping this momento is a sort of emotional infidelity. If it makes you really uncomfortable, then why does he still need it around?

In your case, he’s already offered to burn the thing. Obviously he wants to put your first and care about your emotions. Why would you not be okay with that? It’s difficult enough to maintain a working marriage through the tough times. Doing this together can be a bonding moment, and uplifting moment that brings you closer.

Few things are more difficult to deal with than the death of your own child. The pain of loss is staggering and can quickly overcome an individual’s ability to cope with every day life.

I recently received an email from a man named Jerry. In November, Jerry and his wife lost their four month old boy to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Jerry says:

“My question is if you have any advice on keeping the lines of communication open after a death of a child when the last thing anyone wants to do is talk. My wife and I do our best to communicate but sometimes there are no words or the pain is too great. Just wondering if you have any advice on dealing with death in a marriage.”

Now, I’ve never lost a child, but let me see if I can shed a little bit of light on the situation. Sometimes all one needs is a little outside perspective.

About three weeks ago I saw a production of Rabbit Hole, a play written by David Lindsay-Abaire. In the play Becca and Howie lose their child in a tragic automobile accident. The play begins several months after the accident.

Becca is dealing with the loss by cleaning up the house. She is packing away her son’s possessions, and getting rid of all of the things that remind her of her son. Howie is dealing with the loss by attending group therapy and trying to spend time with his pet dog. There are several scenes where Howie tries to talk to Becca about their son. Becca can’t discuss it. Howie can’t understand why she can’t discuss it, and he can’t understand why she won’t talk to him about anything else either.

Without giving away the entire play, we see Howie and Becca dealing with their grief in their own separate ways. They go through their days finding healing in the mundane day to day activities. It’s only after several more months of finding healing on their own that they are able to communicate with each other.

Even when they do finally communicate with each other, it’s not directly about their child. They talk about what they’re doing with the house, with their family members, or what’s on television. I think this is the key here, at least for them. Howie and Becca were able to find common ground on things that weren’t emotionally charged (or at least, not as charged as the subject of their child). After they were able to find this common ground is when they were finally able to talk about their child.

The play ends without a final resolution of their grief over their son. I think this is appropriate. You’ll always miss your son, and probably always feel a little bit sad about him being gone, but if you can find common ground on other subjects, you should be able to build your communication back up.

Some other things to consider:

- How good was your communication as a couple before this happened? If it wasn’t very good, then it could take longer to build it to a working point.

- Being able to talk to someone besides your spouse is a good thing. Do you have a family member or a very close friend that you can talk to?

- If you really having a hard time, seeking professional counseling is a good idea.

Do any of you have any other suggestions? How do you care for your marriage after the death of a child?

UPDATE: I would also recommend checking out the “Losing a Child” group over at TeeBeeDee. They have ongoing discussions about how difficult it is. These are real people who are currently going through these experiences.

I have to give credit to Elder M. Russell Ballard for this post. At last weekends General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints he gave a talk about how couples with kids can help each other out. Since this blog is about being a better husband, I thought I better share his insights as they relate to men.

To paraphrase Elder Ballard, children are only with parents for about 18 - 20 years. In today’s terms that’s right around just a quarter of their lives. After the kids move away, you need to still be able to live with each other. Here are four suggestions to make this happen:

Show extra appreciation. Notice things, guys. If she cleaned the house, notice it and say something. If dinner is done when you get home, or shortly after, say something. Taking care of kids is a lot of work and if she’s been home all day with the kids, or you’ve been away for a few days, take the time to look around and see what she’s done, then tell her you appreciate it.

Take time to talk with her about each child. Your wife probably understands the kids better than you do anyway, so you should take the time to talk to her about each child individually. Find out what she thinks of each child, what that child’s needs are and what the child is excelling at. Take the time to talk about how to help the child, and how you can help her with her duties as a mother.

Help your wife get away. Whether your wife is a full time mother or not, she deserves some time away now and again. Send her away every once in a while. Tell her to spend some time with girlfriends, go get a facial or manicure, or to just have some quiet time alone. If you just do this without being asked, it’ll make you look even better. Watch the kids for her, and make sure the house isn’t a disaster when she gets back. Believe me, guys, she’ll appreciate it. She’ll also show her appreciation.

Take an active role in the family. Similar to talking to your wife about the kids, but going one step even further. Don’t come home from work and ignore your family. They should be your priority. You may need to bring work home some nights, you may need to have some friends over, play video games, or just have some male alone in the cave time, but make sure that your family is not neglected when you do this. Give your wife a kiss on the cheek, let the kids know you love them, and if you can, plan the time you’ll be away from your family in advance, that way everyone knows about it.

That’s pretty much it. Pretty simple. Here is an audio link to the full talk.

One woman in three will be raped or abused as a child. Odds are, men, that your wife could be one of them. People who have been through sexual abuse display symptoms of anger, flashbacks, disassociation, guilt, grieving, lack of trust, low self esteem and more.

Victims of abuse need intense support in order to work through their pain and shame. Unfortunately many men seem to think that women should just “toughen up” and get past it. What many men, and anyone who hasn’t been through abuse, don’t understand is that you can’t just get past it.

After speaking with many men who are married to women with wives who were abused as children, and speaking with some wives about their experiences, I humbly offer the following suggestions for supporting your wife:

Listen. Most victims of sexual assault won’t want to talk about or do anything about their abuse at first. They need to know someone will listen to what happened to them, and believe them without judging.

Be patient. One friend of mine told me that his wife waited for years before she was willing to seek counseling, let alone confront her attacker. During this time their marriage suffered from the stress of dealing with the assault, but he was kind and loving to her. Eventually she was able to work through her problems and they now enjoy a happy marriage.

Don’t push your spouse into intimacy. Victims of sexual trauma can go for years without experiencing aversion to intimacy. I’m not a psychologist, but what it comes down to is disassociating from the event. After a while a victim may let their guard down, and that’s when they start to feel scared. You may notice that your spouse suddenly becomes averse to sex or touching. If this is the case, then you must be patient and allow things to proceed at her pace - even if that means forgoing sex for a while.

Be fiercely loyal. Some men like to make fun of their wives when out with the guys. Don’t do this. When someone says something disparaging about women, say something complimentary. If someone makes a comment about your wife in particular, step in and make sure that person knows it is not okay to disparage your wife. When your wife knows that you are loyal to her, she will be more likely to trust you and your marriage will benefit because of it.

Avoid pornography. Linked to rape, abuse, incest, and a host of other evils, pornography is an insidious problem that causes women to be victimized and wives to despair.

Empower your spouse. Help her get counseling. Help her confront her abuser, but do it in her time and at her pace. Visit www.rainn.org for more details on how to help victims of sexual abuse.

A final note to women everywhere: You can get past your abuse experience. Healing is available, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Find the courage to seek that healing.

During our roadtrip my wife and I were talking about her parents. They are wonderful people and I can’t help but respect them. I have a great relationship with them. Here are my tips for getting along with your in-laws:

• Respect your wife’s father. My father in law is a man of large stature and imposing disposition. It was easy to defer to him, because when I first started dating my wife he scared the heck out of me – he’s a very large man. Treat him like your own father and ask him for advice, help, or to sit and watch a football game.
• Compliment your wife’s mother. Remember men, in all likelihood, this woman is how your wife is going to be in 20 – 30 years. Get to know her and find a way to respect her and her opinions. My mother in law is an amazing seamstress, so I respect her talents and let her know. She also has a sense of humor that is similar to mine, so I laugh at her jokes.
• Remember that your wife is not her parents. When your in-laws do something that you might consider boneheaded, don’t relate that to your wife. She’s a different person and, like all of us, already knows the boneheaded mistakes that her parents make all the time. She’s probably making a conscious effort to not make those same mistakes.
• If you didn’t like your in-laws before you got married, change your attitude. You’re stuck with the in-laws for the rest of their lives, which, after watching the Barbara Walters special the other night, could be for the next 100+ years. If you believe in life after death, then you’re stuck with them forever. Do yourself a favor and realize that it takes two to argue, so just don’t do it. Find a way to change your thinking.
• Set your boundaries early. This one I learned from my wife. After we got married, my mother was constantly asking when we were going to have kids. Lissie had to have a little discussion with her to let her to let her know that it wasn’t okay to pry, and that we’ll let her know when we’re thinking about it. It was a respectful dialogue, but people still got a little upset. I know it’s hard, but you have to set those boundaries early. Trust me, you’ll be glad after 5+ years of marriage.
• Practice restraint. If something really irritates you, find some space and think about it for a day or two before you say something. My in laws have some rules in the house for their other kids that don’t make any sense to me and sometimes they seem a bit draconian, but I generally don’t say anything. They’re not my kids and I want to maintain peace between us. No one’s getting hurt or being deprived in a serious way, so I don’t say anything.
• Don’t tell your in-laws anything about your marriage. I know this seems crazy, but it’s another thing I learned from my wife and her family. We decided, at Lissie’s behest, to not tell her family about fights we were having or money problems. Some things slipped out, but for the past five years Lissie has come across as the “good daughter” in comparison with her siblings, and her parents love me. We never get unsolicited advice, and we never hear about her parents talking negatively about either one of us (and believe me, with Lissie’s 8 siblings, we would hear about it).
• Be loyal to your spouse. This may apply more to your spouse than you. Your wife needs to be loyal to you over her parents (and you to her over your parents). Marriage is about being completely committed to each other, before anyone else. If your in-laws are being rude to your spouse, it’s your responsibility to step in and defend your spouse. You can do it in a polite way, but it’s not okay to allow your parents to attack your spouse in any way.
• Don’t get involved in family disputes. There are some issues between your spouse and her parents that you shouldn’t step into: all of them. That’s just a quagmire that you have no business getting involved in. Trust me. You can talk to your spouse about it if she asks you, when the in-laws are not around (read: not in the same city), but I generally limit my response in these discussions to supportive head nods and short answers to direct questions.
• Have fun with the siblings. I like my wife’s siblings, most of them. I regularly kick her brother’s butt at chess, discuss fantasy novels with her other brother, wrestle with her sister, and play with most of the family. There’s going to be times when you don’t get along with some of them, but they’re family, for better or worse, so you had better learn to have fun with them, or you’re going to regret it.

The following is a guest post by Scott Hepburn

We’ve all heard the cliché that a job interview is a lot like courtship. There’s that awkward period when you meet. You get to know each other, loosen up a little, and if there’s a connection, you make a commitment – the marriage of employer and employee.

Scott Hepburn is a veteran copywriter for PRstore, a full-service retail marketing franchise with 41 stores in 18 states. He has been married for six years and, much to his surprise, hasn’t been kicked to the curb yet. He blogs at http://prstore.typepad.com.

This is a guest post from Lissie at The Fascinating Woman.

First off, there is no such thing as a “time of the month.” It does not matter that you have years of evidence to counteract my statement. Want a smooth home life? Then there is no time of the month, instead there are bad days, even a bad week or two. Everybody has those - even men.

Secondly, the only way to make real strides with your wife’s behavior on her bad days is to give her the loving support she needs on her good days. The areas with the biggest impact will be listening ( i know, groan,) general helpfulness and speaking her love language.

Listening. Raise your hand if you’ve ever heard, “you never listen!” Great! Which of course means that you are capable of listening, otherwise you wouldn’t have known to raise your hand, right? Here’s a secret, “you never listen” is code for “you don’t give me your undivided attention when I’m talking to you” and “you aren’t remembering what I said which must mean that I’m way less important to you than the guys on Sports Center, so why don’t you just marry them! They can clean your dirty socks!” But those are both a bit long, so instead we say, “you never listen.”

Here’s what you do to fix the problem. Every day-every single day-you give your wife 10 minutes of your undivided attention. Set a timer. Maybe it will be at the same time, maybe not, but it must be every day and it must be undivided - no playing with the dog, looking at Facebook, catching the basketball highlights, scanning the newspaper - UNDIVIDED attention. Then you listen. When 10 minutes is up you’re “off the hook.” She can finish her sentence, but not start a new one. Do this for one month and two amazing things will happen - your wife will talk less and you’ll remember what it is she said.

When she’s having a bad day set the timer for 30 minutes, or have several 10 minute sessions. She will get upset. She will say something like, “I’m not a boiled egg. I don’t have a timer on my feelings or on how long I want to talk.” Just let it roll right off you. Tell her you love her and of course she’s not a boiled egg (resist the impulse to make a joke here…RESIST IT!). Tell her it has nothing to do with her, you just love her so much you want to make sure that you are giving her your undivided attention - which can only last so long. She’ll sniff and say something like, “You seem fine to give your undivided attention for three hours to a game.” I know she’s just baiting you, but don’t bite, instead take a deep breath and say, “what do you want me to do?” “I don’t know,” she’ll plaintively say. Think of how much you wanted to be with this woman forever and gently say to her, “would you like a bath, or some pizza, should we watch a movie, etc.” This is the correct response. Offer something she generally likes but won’t involve you having to listen anymore - what’s that? Yes, this is the same tack you used while you were dating. Yes, it still works.

General Helpfulness. This means something different to every woman. But I bet you know the ones that matter to your woman. Go on, tick them off. (Let’s see . . . be home on time, take the trash out, clear the table when I’m done, put the socks in the dark colors hamper, hang up my towel, return library books on time, etc.) Here’s how it works, imagine you’re a supervisor or you work in some sort of hierarchal environment, now imagine that almost every day the same employee won’t put the paperwork in the right slot, won’t put the tools back in the toolbox, won’t speak kindly to the customers, etc. Is he your favorite? Of course not.

Speaking Her Love Language. I understand that “A Good Husband” already recommended The Five Love Languages. It’s an excellent book, but you don’t necessarily need to read the whole thing, instead take the quiz. Only the really confused won’t know what their love language is. Personally, I like to be praised, to be helped, to have quality time with my husband, to receive love letters and chocolates and I may be sad on occasion if I’m not getting enough, but the only thing that is going to make me really crabby is not being touched enough. For this reason I tend to be clingy when I’m having a bad day (or standoffish but it’s really obvious which way I’m feeling) I mean attached at the arm, side, hip and leg clingy. Can’t get enough attention. It happens every time, but it happens much, much more if during the preceding weeks I wasn’t touched enough. For this reason my husband’s go-to response when I won’t be comforted is, “May I give you a foot rub?”

Thirdly, and lastly, sometimes you just need reinforcements. Which means other women, something sweet (usually chocolate,) and something salty. If she won’t call her friends you can call them for her - she may even be annoyed with you at first, but it’ll pass. (If her friends are busy though don’t tell her you called them and they couldn’t come, not unless you want a gelatinous mess of her tears, your sweat and ground up tooth enamel to deal with.) When she isn’t having a bad day encourage her to hang out with her girl friends (or to make some.) Depending on the woman it may take some time. Remain encouraging, it’s in your best interest. A woman who regularly has time with uplifting girl friends is generally happy, cheerful, kind and less talkative at home.

For Wives:

Just because he now remembers what you said does not mean that he agrees with you, that’ll have to be worked out on it’s own. But don’t accuse him of “never listening” instead say what you actually mean, example: “the fact that you refuse to ever buy me something I want for my birthday makes me feel like you don’t care. if you want to surprise me on my birthday then I would like to receive other gifts, or at least spending money, throughout the year”

Praise his helpfulness. Any helpfulness.

Respect his time and attention. Ask politely on days you need more attention, and don’t ask when he’s in the middle of something. If after three months you find that you need a larger chunk of undivided attention daily, ask for it politely. Be aware though, what you really might need is something else. Like for everyone to eat dinner together at the table. Or to go out on dates. Or to have the children spend two-four hours quality time with their Father so you can have quality time with yourself. (Start with two hours, and add more.)

Get a pain reliever that helps you if you need it. Personally, I use Pamprin Multi-Symptom, and I take at least one every day during “that” week to help me be more rational. Also, if your method of birth control is making things worse consider getting a different one.

Have girl time. You need it. Your husband needs you to have it. Have girl time.