A Good Husband
Marriage Advice From A Man
How I Would Do My Wedding Differently
Author: Cory H.14 Aug
Reader Robertsm85 asked me, “Taking the whole experience, from the proposal to the end of the reception, when you think back to your wedding what few bits of advice would you give to a couple going through the process of getting married.”
I thought it was such a great question that it deserved its own post. Here’s my answer. Photo courtesy of www.ouroneheart.com.
Give a second thought to getting married young. Lissie and I were 19 and 21, respectively, when we were married. At the time, I didn’t really think it was that big of a deal to get married young, but you know what? It was. We were inexperienced in relationships, and perhaps a little too naive and idealistic. We were also both still in college and didn’t have good jobs. In the end, not that big of a deal. We got older and gained some experience. In some ways it actually benefited us because we went through all the ordeals of the 20’s together, and it made us stronger as a couple.
Have some money put aside. I had returned from a two year stint as a volunteer missionary less than a year before we were married, and we were both in college. Talk about being broke! Also, neither of us had parents that were in a position to help support us, so we were instantly poor. Luckily, we were able to take out student loans to help us get by while we finished our education. To do over again, I would have put aside 3 - 6 months living expenses, because now we have fairly large loans to repay.
Plan a great proposal. Every girl wants to have the story to tell her girlfriends, and for some reason every time you make friends with people, they eventually ask how you proposed to your wife. I didn’t really plan a very good proposal and six years later it’s still a bit of a sore spot for my wife. Believe me, it’s worth it to wait a little longer just so that you can have the story later. It’s really not so much about having a good story as making sure that she feels really loved and cared about.
Hire a better wedding planner. Our wedding planner didn’t think it was a big deal that her son was getting married the same day as our reception. She assured us time and time again that it wouldn’t be a conflict. When we showed up for the reception, she wasn’t there. Her assistant was arranging flowers and nothing else had been done with the decorations. She hadn’t even brought the sound system for the music. Luckily all of our friends pitched in and we got the decorations up, the food out, and Lissie’s dear friend from her church lugged her portable keyboard over and played for the entire reception, unasked and unpaid. What a mess!
Make sure you understand your partner’s health situation, and have health insurance. I knew that Lissie had a heart condition. I had known her for years and had seen her pass out dozens of times, but still wasn’t clear on how that would affect our relationship once we were living together. It was very stressful to realize that her health affected every aspect of her life and it was a much bigger burden than I initially thought. Plus, medical bills piled up from various situations and that left us with a fair amount of debt right at the beginning of our marriage since we didn’t have insurance. Things are better now. Lissie is still sick, but we have insurance and I have a good job, so we’re basically caught up on bills, but it was tough for those first few years.
All that said, there are a few things I would not change that I want to share.
Chastity before marriage. It’s just a fact that couples who cohabitate before marriage are 50 percent more likely to divorce. We were both virgins when we were married and that has blessed our lives with a high level of trust in each other.
Learning about marriage, from classes and books. We both took classes provided by our church on marriage before and after our wedding. We also spent a fair amount of time reading books about marriage, both together so we could discuss them, and separately.
A life built on faith. We are both members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and we both make that faith the central part of our lives. That faith has brought us innumerable blessings, chief of which are an abiding faith that our marriage is a covenant with God, and we cannot take that covenant likely. If it weren’t for that faith, we would have divorced in our first year of marriage.
Have the reception the day after the wedding. Weddings are exhausting enough, then there’s the luncheon and/or dinner. We had our wedding early in the morning, then a luncheon, and then we were done for the day. We were able to return to our apartment together in the early afternoon and spend some time relaxing and being together. The next day we had our reception and we had it in the early evening. We were so relaxed and happy (except for the part where the wedding planner didn’t do anything…but imagine if that had been the same day as the wedding) that we were able to really enjoy ourselves - in spite of all the hiccups.
How about the rest of you? What would you do differently about your proposal, wedding, and reception? What would you never change?
12 comments:
Reader Question: Where Should We Live?
Author: Cory H.19 Jul
A reader posted a comment question under the post How Important is Your Relationship With Your Wife.
“My wife and I had our first VERY big arguement about moving to a new home in the burbs or remaining in the city. We have been in the city for 9 years in a two bedroom townhome with two boys 8 and 6. We are busting out and it is taking a toll. Plus she is a writer and I am working out of my home. 24×7! I am looking for an office job since the current one is not going well.
My wife wants to stay near the school we attend and her support group. She said she is the primary caretaker so she does not want to move and change lots of things.
I said I want to move to the burbs to get more space, get a backyard for the boys and get my wife an office so she can have her quiet time.
The problem is the singe-family homes in our city are way-high in price. We are stuck. And this market is not the best to sell. So I figured we would rent our townhome and buy another place.
Any way the fight was big and she threatened to leave. She even talked to the boys like she was going to leave. She did not. But the relationship is very icey right now.
What should I do other than telling her I will find a home near the school because breaking the family up is not worth the burbs. Plus I am interviewing very well.”
I posted this question because it’s a big question with many parts, and I feel that it would be more beneficial for those of you out there in the community to answer it. What do you think?
The Tipping Point in Marriage
Author: Cory H.10 Jul
In yesterday’s comments on being too busy for marriage, IWasThinking.ca’s Heidi asked a very interesting question:
“what prompted you to think differently, to “man up” as Corey writes on his blog? Have you always been a conscious husband or was there a cosmic 2×4 moment that changed your thinking?”
Great question Heidi. After an hour long discussion of your comment with my wife, here’s my response.
I have certainly not always been a good husband. The first two years of our marriage were really, really difficult. I’m blessed that my wife stuck around long enough for us to get things sorted out. I don’t know that there’s ever been a single moment that woke me up. It’s an accumulation of little things.
There was the advice I got from my bishop - lower your expectations, and talking doesn’t necessarily solve everything. There was talking with my married friends about certain issues. If there was a specific event that I can point to, it is the night when I finally gave in to my wife.
We had been having a pretty bad argument (don’t remember over what) and it had turned to the “I want a divorce” talk. Previously to that night, whenever it went there, I always got really upset, told my wife in no uncertain terms that we were NOT getting a divorce. That night I was so tired and so sick of fighting that I just told her, “Fine. If you want a divorce, that’s your choice.”
It was like a movie moment. Her whole demeanor changed. The way we interacted with each other changed. As it turns out, she didn’t really want a divorce. She wanted to be listened to, and she wanted to feel like she had a choice in what happened to her. It was a revelation to me on how to treat my wife. I don’t have to control, nor should I control, every outcome in our marriage. I have to trust her that she will make decisions that will result in happiness for her, and hopefully for me as well. That’s the scary, risky part about relationships. Fortunately, after you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you tend to trust these choices a little more each day.
Now, the reason that I say this was not a “tipping point” in my marriage was because it wasn’t an instant fix. It helped me, but there was still a lot of work to be done to rebuild burned bridges.
The thing is, and I think this is true for most men, I really always wanted the marriage to work, from before day one. I wanted to be the guy who doted on his wife. I wanted to be the husband all the girls wished they had. I wanted my wife to think I was The Man and that there was no other man with which to compare…but I didn’t know how to do that.
I didn’t have a role model in my home while growing up. What was I to do? I got married so young that I hadn’t yet found the time to learn from someone else. I didn’t even know what I didn’t know. Where are men supposed to go to learn to be good husbands and fathers? Other than a few disparate websites, and a few self help books that didn’t make any sense to me, I still don’t know the answer to that question.
So, I went to work, the best that I could. So did she. We can both tell you that it wasn’t just me that needed to change. A marriage is a two way street (or so the cliche goes) and both partners need to be looking at themselves and wondering how to improve. You can read her story on her blog about the Fascinating Womanhood movement.
We had a few more really intense fights. But after another year or so of working at it, learning how to trust each other, and how to get a better hold of ourselves, we found that we now had a relationship worth being happy about.
We are coming up on our sixth wedding anniversary. I can say that we’re just about at the point where there has been about the same amount of happy as there was unhappy time.
So Heidi, this long answer to your question basically comes down to this: there was no single moment, but an ongoing process that makes me wake up a little more each day, realize a little more what I need to do.
What about the rest of you? Was there ever a turning point in your marriages? What were they?
A Good Husband Answers Your Questions
Author: Cory H.27 Jun
Here are my answers to your questions! It’s been a lot of fun. I was actually a little surprised at how many questions I got about my wife. You might be interested in reading a couple of her guest posts here on A Good Husband, as well as taking a look at her blog, The Fascinating Woman.
Which time? I had to ask her a few times. She says I asked her six times, I say it was more like three. I wasn’t entirely sure if she would say yes, but I was pretty sure I could talk her into it. After all, I am a professional salesman. 
Trust you to come up with this question. One would hope so, since that’s what I write about, eh? I asked her if she was happy, and she said, “Of course! You’re the most wonderful man in the universe! How could I possibly be unhappy?”
Then I woke up and hit the snooze bar.
I think that being married for six years speaks for itself. Not that it’s any sort of astounding record, but we both agree that we ‘got to admit it’s getting better, it’s getting better all the time.’
Well, Laurie, that’s a lot of questions, but I’ll be brief.
The Mormon Church (properly the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) is different from other Christian denominations primarily in that we believe that God still speaks to people through prophets, just like he did in the Bible. I don’t know what you mean about being secretive. Our beliefs are widely documented and easily accessed.
I think that a person can come to a closer relationship to God by learning to pray and have honest discussions with Him, and by learning to listen. With that, learning to serve others selflessly teaches Godlike attributes. As we do this, we find that we become closer to our spouses.
- JLow said… I’ve got a 3-in-1
Does your wife read this blog? If so, does she always agree with what you say? If she doesn’t agree, what happens?
I don’t know that she always agrees, but when she knows that I’m not practicing what I preach she makes sure I know it. It’s a really good sounding board for me. Even though I’ve learned a lot about marriage, I know that I can always do better, so when Lissie is unhappy, I have to go back to my store of knowledge and make sure I make it good again.
We don’t have any kids now. We would love to have kids, and when the Lord chooses to bless us with little ones, we will be happy to receive them into our home. I know it will be a challenge. When we married, I was terrified of small children, but my wonderfully patient and kind wife has helped coax me along until now I truly look forward to raising little ones.
Believe me, when we have kids, this blog will probably explode with the amount of energy that’s going to come out of it. Then I’d truly be able to say I have joined the ranks of the Daddy Bloggers.
A Good Husband: The Book
Author: Cory H.25 Jun
Some of you know that I have been in talks with a publishing company to write a book. Yeah! I’m excited!
I’d like some input from all of you. In fact, I’d like more than your input. I’d like your involvement.
You see, from this book I plan on expanding A Good Husband into an even more vibrant online community that serves as a resource for men who really want to be the best husbands they can be, and for women who want to help their men.
I’ve had several discussions with my potential editor, so I’ll throw some ideas out, but I’d like to know what you would like to see in a book about Good Husbands. I think that it’s pretty obvious that few people would want to see a bound repackaging of all my posts (boring!).
Here’s my major questions:
What have you read here that has really inspired you? What would you like to see elaborated on?
Ladies, what do you want to know about men?
Men, what do you want the ladies to know about us?
If there’s a lot of involvement, this could easily become a community project. I don’t pretend to be the fount of all knowledge, and the collective advice of the community could turn this into something very, very amazing.
Please leave your comments, and let your friends know that there is a community book building discussion going on. I promise to give regular updates on what’s going on if you’ll help!
Should Husbands Carry Momentos of Old Relationships?
Author: Cory H.27 Apr
Is it okay to carry momentos of old girlfriends or ex-wives around with you? What constitutes emotional infidelity?
April writes:
My husband, who I have been married to for almost two years has what we call a “Samantha Box.” This is an old clarinet case with every note, picture, and sentiment that he received from his high school girlfriend…He acts like it’s all innocent, and that he doesn’t have “feelings” for her….but I am just not sure. We are actually really happy together, and I don’t feel threatened as much as I used to. When he went to his parents house over the weekend, he brought back the box and said, “I thought I would bring it back and we could have a little bon-fire.” Now I don’t know if I want to “burn” it because I think I would feel bad about erasing memories. I don’t have anything like that from ex-boyfriends, even my high-school sweetheart… but my exes make my husband look GOOD…so I would have no problem getting rid of the memorabilia.
The question has been edited for length.
Funny, when I asked my wife about this, she implied that if I had a “Samantha box” that I would probably be in mortal danger…and I believe it.
When I asked our older room mate, however, she said “What’s the big deal? It was years ago, right?”
I suppose it’s all in how you look at it, and that’s just the key here. Your husband should respect your boundaries. He should be putting you first at every turn, and I can honestly see how keeping this momento is a sort of emotional infidelity. If it makes you really uncomfortable, then why does he still need it around?
In your case, he’s already offered to burn the thing. Obviously he wants to put your first and care about your emotions. Why would you not be okay with that? It’s difficult enough to maintain a working marriage through the tough times. Doing this together can be a bonding moment, and uplifting moment that brings you closer.
The Death of a Child
Author: Cory H.22 Apr
Few things are more difficult to deal with than the death of your own child. The pain of loss is staggering and can quickly overcome an individual’s ability to cope with every day life.
I recently received an email from a man named Jerry. In November, Jerry and his wife lost their four month old boy to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Jerry says:
“My question is if you have any advice on keeping the lines of communication open after a death of a child when the last thing anyone wants to do is talk. My wife and I do our best to communicate but sometimes there are no words or the pain is too great. Just wondering if you have any advice on dealing with death in a marriage.”
Now, I’ve never lost a child, but let me see if I can shed a little bit of light on the situation. Sometimes all one needs is a little outside perspective.
About three weeks ago I saw a production of Rabbit Hole, a play written by David Lindsay-Abaire. In the play Becca and Howie lose their child in a tragic automobile accident. The play begins several months after the accident.
Becca is dealing with the loss by cleaning up the house. She is packing away her son’s possessions, and getting rid of all of the things that remind her of her son. Howie is dealing with the loss by attending group therapy and trying to spend time with his pet dog. There are several scenes where Howie tries to talk to Becca about their son. Becca can’t discuss it. Howie can’t understand why she can’t discuss it, and he can’t understand why she won’t talk to him about anything else either.
Without giving away the entire play, we see Howie and Becca dealing with their grief in their own separate ways. They go through their days finding healing in the mundane day to day activities. It’s only after several more months of finding healing on their own that they are able to communicate with each other.
Even when they do finally communicate with each other, it’s not directly about their child. They talk about what they’re doing with the house, with their family members, or what’s on television. I think this is the key here, at least for them. Howie and Becca were able to find common ground on things that weren’t emotionally charged (or at least, not as charged as the subject of their child). After they were able to find this common ground is when they were finally able to talk about their child.
The play ends without a final resolution of their grief over their son. I think this is appropriate. You’ll always miss your son, and probably always feel a little bit sad about him being gone, but if you can find common ground on other subjects, you should be able to build your communication back up.
Some other things to consider:
- How good was your communication as a couple before this happened? If it wasn’t very good, then it could take longer to build it to a working point.
- Being able to talk to someone besides your spouse is a good thing. Do you have a family member or a very close friend that you can talk to?
- If you really having a hard time, seeking professional counseling is a good idea.
Do any of you have any other suggestions? How do you care for your marriage after the death of a child?
UPDATE: I would also recommend checking out the “Losing a Child” group over at TeeBeeDee. They have ongoing discussions about how difficult it is. These are real people who are currently going through these experiences.
Working With the Opposite Sex
Author: Cory H.17 Jan
Last week someone asked me a question in a comment that was left here at A Good Husband. Anonymous asked me:
“what do you think of men and women working together? how does “a good husband” respond to his wife’s concerns about him working with attractive, intelligent women?”
It’s a good question. In the world right now there are a lot of very attractive and intelligent women working in many different careers. Except in a few cases I don’t think it can be avoided at all.
Obviously, I think that men and women can work together in productive ways. When I was in college I had a classmate that I ended up working with on a lot of different projects and became very good friends with. My wife was concerned about how much time we were spending together, so we discussed it and took the following steps:
- I agreed to not spend any time alone with any girl outside of work. That includes happy hours after work or rehearsal, running errands for supplies, or other non-work campaigns. While we were often alone together in a room while working on projects, I made sure that doors were open, that the lights were on, and that we were in places where there were other people around.
- Whenever I rode to and from school and work, I made sure that I wasn’t riding alone with any women. We spend a lot of time commuting in America. That 100 hours each year shouldn’t be spent alone with members of the opposite sex.
- My wife and I schedule dates in advance. We try to make sure we get out alone together at least once each month, and that it’s planned (by me) in advance.
- I made sure that my wife knew where I was whenever I was out.
Some of these measures my seem rather draconian, but it worked out for us.
You see, with the exception of my faith, my relationship with my wife is more important to me than any single thing on the face of the earth. When it comes down to it, that’s what it takes for a marriage to be successful. When we leave room for compromising positions, then our relationships will be compromised.
Each couple needs to communicate with each other and discuss what they find works best for them. It’s a never ending process of setting boundaries, checking in, and communicating with each other. I recommend that each couple discuss how comfortable they are with their spouse spending time with members of the opposite sex.
Don’t forget that it’s about the MARRIAGE, not the WEDDING: If the table cloths aren’t the same shade of ivory as your dress the world will not come to an end. If your heart doesn’t flutter when you lock eyes with your future spouse… well your marriage might.
Remember to eat and to enjoy yourself: You put a LOT of work into this event, you chose that food carefully, so don’t forget to enjoy it. Pick a person, wedding planner, maid of honor, great friend, and put them in charge for the day. Give them everything they might need ahead of time and let them know that you don’t want to worry about anything during your big day. They can deal with all the little crises that come up and you can focus on enjoying your day.
I’m sure I have more, but that’s all I can think of right now!
I hope you didn’t pay your wedding planner. That’s pretty inexcusable on her part, especially since she undoubtedly knew how important this day was going to be for you (how could she not, going through the same thing at the same time?).
www.the-common-man.com
I agree about the proposal too. A gas station rose may not cut it.
i pray they listen! bless you for your visit.
I wish I had had a rebellious youth and then settled down later in life. LOTS of people I know in their 30’s and 40’s that were good kids feel that way. That said, I am in a heathen state right now and maybe the grass is greener and all that, but still…
I enjoyed hearing everything you would/would not change though. The reception on a different day is very interesting. Something to discuss with my other half.
anyways a photogrpher….
after getting married I learned that cheaper was not the best choice with a photographer….you pay for what you get!
Oh. My. God. That is so true. I adore mu husband - you know that - I could sing his praises for days. But GEEZ.
First, he put off proposing for 8 MONTHS because he was obsessed with finding the perfect ring. I don’t even wear my ring on a regular basis!
Then he breaks down and asks me what I want (simple lab created or CZ diamond - I don’t believe in buying natural diamonds - on top of a white gold band) so he goes out and gets me a sapphire with bagguettes. I guess I should be thankful that it was white gold at least.
Then we were watching “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” (yes it was my idea, sheesh). In the movie the guy proposes to her all low-key in the bedroom. I remember, clearly, saying “Oh my God, couldn’t he have done it in a restaurant at least?! Please don’t propose to me like that!”
So what does he do? He proposes to me one night on the way out the door. In our bedroom.
Honestly, I felt like he obsessed WAY TOO MUCH over the whole thing. Buy a reasonable ring and make a crazy romantic proposal and you just can’t go wrong.
What would I change about my wedding? I would have have a very simple chaple wedding with no frills and spent that money on the honeymoon and setting up house.
Slightly related to this I am starting up a relationship blog (Cory, you are my inspiration for this) to share my thoughts and experiences as I start my life with my fiancee. If anyone would like to visit it I would appreciate it, I have the initial post up and you can check it out at http://blessthebrokenroad.effect47.com
Cory, I mostly just lurk and read but thank you very much for the inspiration you gave me.