I don’t know exactly what happened in the last few months, but I’ve been reading a lot of chatter from various male bloggers that I admire. We’re getting tired of the ridiculous advertising pushed on the American man. Perhaps it was the Superbowl ads and their pandering to neanderthal men.

How many men are there that are just sick and tired of it? We are MEN, not beer swilling, breast staring buffoons who have been whipped into submission by our nagging wives. Most of us are intelligent, capable, loving husbands and fathers (except me - I’m not a father). Why do these ads not target our demographic?

Are you one of those guys that agrees with me? In the last month I’ve had conversations with several of them. I’d love to hear your agreement in the comments.

Brett McKay from Art of Manliness told me that he’s focusing on working with small advertisers who are responsive to the interests of more enlightened men (read: most of us).

Ben Martin from The Father Life told me he has reams of data showing that men are more interested in advertisements that don’t make men look dumb.

I recently read this post from Natural Papa where he talks about the need to focus on the good things men are doing.

I know Tyler Wainright from Building Camelot agrees with me.

So here, the question:

What the heck are we going to do about it? Is there an organization that we can all join to help advertisers wake up? Do we form our own?

The only way that these companies are going to change is if we make if financially feasible for them to do so. Why don’t we all just raise a big stink? How about something like a Blog Carnival about advertising to men and what modern men are now (and what we’re not)?

What do you think guys? (this was cross-posted at CoryHuff.com)

The Icon of Personal Development

Welcome to this week’s edition of the Carnival of Personal Development.  I’m happy and flattered to be able to post this week’s edition.

A note on how I picked entries, and we’ll call this my hat tip to personal development: I picked the first 10 posts that really grabbed me.  There were 68 entrants.  Some were good, some were really bad, and a few were completely off topic.  I read through the entrants until I found one that I felt was directly applicable to my life and I figured if it was applicable to me, then it probably was to someone else as well.  I limited myself to 10 because while reading about Personal Development is all well and good, going out and practicing is even better!

Enjoy this week’s posts!

Want to be a better trainer & leader?  Read Terry Norrington’s Become a Great Leader Using Your Optimism and Motivation.

Since I’m reading a book about Abraham Lincoln right now, I recommend Robert McHenry’s piece on What Abe Lincoln & Charles Darwin had in common.

Gabriel Girl hits the right note on Garage Sales and their cathartic value.  I’m a big fan of cleaning out my place once a year or so, just to get rid of all the clutter that is dragging me down.

Are you worried about someone making fun of you or interrupting you during your public speaking?  Check out Marcus Smith’s Will You Please Shut Up and learn how to maintain control of a room.

It often seems like some people get more done than others.  What’s the secret to being productive?  It’s not that hard, Writing for Your Wealth presents How to Be More Productive.

There is, perhaps, nothing more conducive to a well developed personality than gratitude.  Homemaker Barbi presents The 3 Minute Thank You Card.

One of the ways that we often find ourselves in difficult situations is by failing to act before a situation becomes a problem.  Evolve.Ever presents Be Proactive.

Another way to fall into difficult situations: Procrastination.  Super Sonic Success discusses this very topic in Stop Procrastinating.

After all that reading about being proactive and stomping out procrastination, you need to be a little kinder to yourself.  After all, you can only develop so much at a time.  Quantum Learning presents Have You Never Been Lazy?

End on a positive note.  Things are pretty crazy out there right now, with the world economy in a strange drift.  Momentor’s advice: Control What You Can Control.

It recently came to my attention that a post that I wrote some time ago about how men are killing chivalry gained a little bit of attention.  Seems that the debate around chivalry is still alive and well.

it’s well known at this point that men are in a state of uncertainty when it comes to knowing what their role is in modern society.  With all of the success of modern feminism, women have made great strides in the areas of work and home equality.  Those achievements, however grand and beneficial, have created a great big question mark in the minds of modern men.  If women can do everything a man can do, then what should men be doing?

The discussion has not yet played itself out.  While the perception of men in the media is certainly changing, it has taken on a negative spin that many individuals and organizations have begun to protest.  Every day men are questioning everything from what kind of work they should be doing, to should they be stay at home dads, to how they should dress, to should they open the door for ladies at the mall?

The discussion isn’t going away.  I propose bringing it out in the open.  I propose the first Chivalry Blog Carnival.

The Chivalry Blog Carnival will last just 8 weeks, beginning October 21st and running through Dec 16th.  The deadline to submit articles for consideration is the Saturday before the carnival you wish to submit for.

What kind of articles should be submitted for the Chivalry Blog Carnival?

Some ideas include, but are not limited to:  the history of chivalry, history of knighthoods, how chivalry is played out in modern times, in-depth analysis of current knightly orders, a run down of the Society for Creative Anachronism, is chivalry dead, how men can incorporate the ideals of knighthood into their daily lives.

Who should submit to the Chivalry Blog Carnival?

Anyone who has a website and writes anything about chivalry.  We’re looking for a diverse view, from experts on medieval history, to modern day ladies in waiting.  We want to hear from you: is chivalry really dead?

I’ll have a badge for the carnival up soon.  Let me know if you have any additional questions.

How do I submit for the Chivalry Blog Carnival?

You can email posts to coryhuff at gmail.com.  NOTE: You must make the subject line Chivalry Blog Carnival or I probably won’t see it.  You can also use this handy submission form.

Image courtesy of sweepdaleg.wordpress.com

Over the last few days I have been watching the news intently.  I have had a keen interest in the financial situation and whether or not Congress would approve the proposed bailout plan.  With the failure of the bailout plan yesterday, there is a great deal of uncertainty in the market, and many people are wondering where to go.

I was discussing it with my wife last night and over the weekend.  She expressed some concern over the market and wondering what it means for our lives.  I have many of the same concerns.  I told her it would be okay.  I wondered to myself, however, if it really would be.

Without taking away from stay at home mothers, single mothers, or any other family situation I laud those men who are sole providers for their families.  It’s not easy.  There’s a great deal of career pressure when you are the provider.  It’s times like these that test men and force them to stand up and be accounted for.  Many men are wondering:

How will I lead my family in times of uncertainty?

How can I reassure my wife that things will be fine?

Will I still have my job a year from now, and if not, how will I provide for my family?

What will I teach my children about the economy, about money and credit?  Do I understand it myself?

Hats off to those men who tackle these questions head on without burying their head in the sand.  Hats off to those men who reach out to help not only their own families, but those around them as well.

Men, what do you think?  How do you answer these questions?  What other questions do you have in this time of uncertainty?

With the redesign of A Good Husband I got to thinking about what I was doing when I started.  Originally I wanted to know what other guys were thinking about marriage and what it means to be a man.  At the time I asked friends and family what they thought. What does it mean to be a good husband, a good man?  What are the challenges that men face today?

One of the great things about blogging over the last 9 months has been meeting some of the great minds on what it means to be a man.  If you don’t know anything about these guys who are giving their opinions below, then you need to take a visit over to their sites and get some great insights.

Corey Allen, The Simple Marriage Project

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

According to who? The wife or the husband? There may be drastically different answers from each. To me however, that’s the beautiful thing about the differences between men and women. If we all say things the same, how boring would that be? So what makes a good husband? A man who leads his family by example. His yes means yes and his no means no. A man willing to accept his wife’s influence in his own life. It seems many men are threatened by their wife. If I “give in” to her, I’m a wimp. Wrong, it’s not about giving in, it’s about being honest with her and her doing the same with you.  The other component of a good husband is a man who treats his marriage as important. This may seem like a no-brainer, but many men seem to think being a goof father is enough. You were most likely a husband before you were a father, and the fact is, your kids will one day leave you and your wife. Love your wife, pursue her heart, fight for her, even if this means choosing her over your kids at times. It’s a great example of marriage for your children.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

Men today lack good role models of masculinity. Their dads have checked out, or never were in the game. What’s modeled in society and Hollywood is often poor masculinity. But the biggest threat today is for men to become the “nice guy” rather than live from his heart. It’s often easier to keep quite rather than speak up. To give up rather than lead. Masculinity is more than hunting on the weekends, playing sports in your 30s or owning a truck. It’s about following your heart and inspiring your family to do the same.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Spend time learning how to listen to your wife. Laugh with her, love her, invite her into an adventure larger than herself. Now that you’ve “won her” by getting her to marry you, your pursuit is not over. Pursue her everyday!

Brett McKay from ArtofManliness.com:

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

Being a good husband means being a rock for your wife. Be the man that gives your wife confidence that things will be just fine, even when it looks like the world is falling in.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

That we expect so little from men.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Find your best friend and marry her and don’t hold off to marry until you think things are “right.” If you’re with somebody, you love her, and you can imagine spending the rest of your life with her, take the plunge. No need to put it off.

Brett Nordquist, the Nordquist Blog:

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

It means being a good listener and being tuned in to the needs of my family. This was easier when we didn’t have children. But with 4 kids and many distractions, it’s more difficult to focus on listening because my first instinct is to fix the problem. But the better I’m able to listen to my spouse and my kids, the better husband I become.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

I’m not sure this counts as an actual challenge but my daughter’s teacher was surprised I was the only father to go on all three field trips throughout the year. Is it still more acceptable to have mom’s take part in those activities or do we live in a society that makes it difficult for men to take off work to participate in their children’s education?

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Decide early on what your priorities are and communicate that to your spouse. I decided early on that my top priority would be my family. This means I’ve had to sacrifice a few promotions that went to people willing to work 80 hour weeks. I’ve told my wife and my boss what my priorities are which has possibly hurt my career. But the benefits to my family have outweighed any issues at work. It’s good to get this out of the way earlier on before you’re in a career that’s controlling you and your time.

Tyler from BuildingCamelot.com:

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

Being a good husband today is challenging to men because it requires being both sensitive to the needs of your wife while being strong and protective of her at the same time. The balance between those two can often be thrown out of balance by many different factors and can cause serious harm to both the husband and the wife. A good husband must strive to find the right balance between strength and support so he can help move his marriage forward in the right direction.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

I think one of the biggest challenges men face is trying to define what masculinity really is. There are too many men out there between the ages of 20 and 40 that struggle with defining what masculinity really is because they didn’t have a father in their life. If they did have a father he probably wasn’t much of one to learn from. Combine these men with women who grew up in similar households and men really begin to struggle with how to be masculine without turning out like their own father.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Just one piece of advice? After I wrote the five things that surprised me most about marriage and having my wife read it with mixed results, I’d have to say “be brutally honest with your wife”. Even if you’re scared of what she might say, it’s far better to be open and honest than trying to live your life with someone while trying to keep secrets. Honestly is not always easy but I’m beginning to realize that it’s easier than avoiding discussions and creating resentment in your marriage.

You know exactly who I’m talking about. I might be a little bit late to the game talking about this, but internet interruptions aside (I just moved and my connection in the new place is spotty at best until Monday, but I digress), I had to take a moment to respond to some of the morons that commented on Derek Semmler’s fantastic post on 8 Tips for More Action in the Bedroom.

It’s not what you think. Most articles with titles like these end up in magazines like Men’s Health or Maxim, and the articles are about getting vapid, shallow little girls to sleep with vapid, shallow little you. Derek’s not like that. He wrote an eye popping title for a post that basically amounted to saying something like, “Treat your wife like you love her, pay attention to what she likes in bed, and she’ll respond better than you think.” Many men know this. I thought most men knew this.

Boy, was I wrong.

Derek’s post hit the front page of Digg.com, which means he had about a zillion visits to that post in an hour, and while most of the female comments were pretty positive, it seems as though every cretin on the Internet found his way to the comment section and decided to let all of us know why the feminist movement started in the first place.

Take this comment for instance:

Apparently a man has to club a woman over the head and drag her by her hair back to his cave in order to be a real man. Wait, I thought that ended with Neanderthals. If these are the people who use Digg, then I don’t need their traffic.

And, finally:

It’s guys like these that give the rest of the good men in the world a bad name. Good husbands everywhere should feel angry about these men. Perhaps if we could just find them, drag them into the street and …well, not euthanize them, but just educate them, the world would be a better place.

8 comments:

Anonymous said…

Let me begin by saying that I agree completely that those comments are chauvinistic, and that we men should do all they can to show the loves of their lives just how important they are to us.

On the other hand, I don’t think we get anywhere good by comparing and competing. 10 hours more housework? Well, that’s just asking to be reminded of just how much other work a husband does, too.

We each have different roles to play. But when there’s love between two people, you learn to stop counting the chores and favors. That post IS great, in that it encourages men to give not only money and things, but also time and thought. Sometimes it takes that reminder.

But the title is the real problem. It marginalizes the roles by implying that her expressions of love are won by playing the game her way. Tit for tat. Favors for sex. It’s attention-grabbing. I really wouldn’t expect that post to make the front page of Digg with a more accurate/tame title. But don’t be surprised when it grabs the attention of the wrong sorts of people. Though, getting this message out to those sort of men is a noble cause.

The best comment on that post? Here it is:
“If you need this article, you have never had sex a second time with any woman.”

September 5, 2008 6:51 AM

Russ said…

Meh, thats the Digg mentality for you. Considering Digg users marked the Art of Manliness as spam, the comments aren’t really surprising. I’m with you; if that is the kind of traffic Digg brings in, I’d rather not have their visits.

I sort-of agree that the original article was more about showing your wife you care, but that in itself can lead to more (or better) sex, so the list was quite accurate and gave good advice.

September 5, 2008 7:28 AM

Untypically Jia said…

I’m honestly amused by all the men who can proudly stand up and say, “We don’t need to trade favors for sex!” But do you ever wonder how often your women trade sex for favors?

In plenty of relationship books, tapes, DVDs for women, they always say that if we want more emotional connection, help around the house, etc, we need to be having more sex. It’s not that sex bothers us, or it’s not great, but you better believe that if afterward we catch you doing the dishes, you’re gonna get it A LOT more often! So in a sense, we do work on a trade, and YES you do need to work with us.

And if listening to us talk, or heaven forbid taking out the trash, maybe those types of “macho” men should dish out hundreds of dollars to catch some STD from a hooker, just don’t bring it back home!

September 5, 2008 9:54 AM

Hayden Tompkins said…

Um. Can I just say I am TOTALLY turned on when my husband does some housework? It makes me feel appreciated and loved and cared for. I am filled with my love for him and our relationship and want to connect with him as deeply as possible.

It’s not so much the housework, as what it represents.

@Cory, this was HYSTERICAL.

“…the articles are about getting vapid, shallow little girls to sleep with vapid, shallow little you.”

September 5, 2008 10:19 AM

Tyler @ Building Camelot said…

Nice write up Cory. I didn’t realize that his article hit the front page of Digg. This article is the final nail in the coffin for Digg for me. I get nothing out of reading Digg anymore.

I just can’t believe that you’re calling Randy Savage a Neanderthal Macho Man…oh wait…nevermind.

September 5, 2008 9:29 PM

Laurie said…

Great points. I’m with Hayden. It’s what the help represents. And you guys need to remember, women are like crock pots. The more you pay attention to your wife during the day with a kiss as you pass, a sweet word, a special look, the more eager she is to be with you later in the day. It’s like having foreplay all day long! You guys wouldn’t oppose that would you?

September 6, 2008 9:12 PM

orlund said…

Good post. There are lots of men who don’t know how to treat women. That’s why I think it is so important for us dad’s to model a good relationship with our wives for our daughters to learn what a good man is. It is also important to build a relationship with our daughters where they will be open to talk about boys with their dad so we can provide them with our wisdom and influence.

September 7, 2008 8:51 AM

Derek said…

Cory, thanks for taking a look at my post and breaking down the reaction of both the men and women. If you want more alarming comments, take a look at those left on the digg site. Yikes!

I think that there is a growing group of men, including you and me, that are trying to educate and enlighten the men that act like this through the words on our blogs. As a father, I work hard to educate both of my boys as well to ensure that they learn how to treat a woman and have a healthy relationship with the love of their life.

Thanks again Cory!

September 7, 2008 1:59 PM

Hey everyone!  The Manival is back!  It was such a rousing success last time, that I have gladly accepted the opportunity to host again.  Just in case you don’t know, the Manival was started by Brett at ArtofManliness.com and for the past 3 months has been circulating around the internet, showcasing the best articles on Manliness that manly bloggers have to offer.


BTW, the pic to the left is from PersistentIllusion.  It was used for the Manival before, but I love it so much I had to bring it back.  Thanks Persistent!

Relationship Advice:

A Husband presents Make Out With Your Wife posted at iamhusband.com.

Bob presents Don’t Axe Me About That posted at Stormbringer’s Thunder.

Fatherhood:

Apparently some men are feeling a little need to lay down the law as Derek presents Discipline :: Stick To It posted at The Man Page and Dad of Divas presents Maniverse #9 - On Becomming a Disciplinarian posted at Dad of Divas.

Mike Carr presents Dadosphere Launch Contest posted at Dadosphere.

Corey Allan presents Man Up: Tuck Your Kids Into Bed posted at The Simple Marriage Project.
  
Some great (and slightly off-beat) how to’s:

Kevin presents Manliness Trait: Treat The Speaker As The Most Important Person In The Room posted at Return To Manliness.

Dr. Awesome presents Dog Names posted at To Every Man A Manswer.

John presents a great self searching post, Harrowed Parent: How to Be a Man posted at Harrowed Parent.

Dustin Boston presents How Ditching My Gas Lawn Mower Made Me Love Cutting the Grass posted at dBlogIt.

Andrew presents A Gentleman’s Guide to Dinner Manners posted at Primer.

Well written musings on manhood:

Scott Moore presents House Arrest posted at Always Leave You Wanting “Moore”.

Jeff Tincher presents Why Can’t I Relax? | Daddy`s Toolbox posted at Daddys Toolbox.

Israel presents Don’t Ignore the Man Boobs on My Chest posted at Fat Man Unleashed.

James Hills presents Rock and Roll, Video Games, and Uber Chic? It’s Hotel Sax Chicago! | Mancation Hotels | Man Tripping posted at Man Tripping - Guys Weekends and Mancations.

babbo presents Time: The Slippery, Fleeting Thing That Doesn’t Really Exist posted at Daddy Brain.

This post is the 3rd in a series of essays on male perspectives on marriage and friendship.

Shortly after my wife and I were married, we started hanging out with some other newly married couples that lived by us.  Imagine our surprise when we found out that they fought about the same things that we fought about.  Imagine our relief.  We were so happy to know that we weren’t the only ones that disagreed over toilet paper, tooth paste, or sex.

Spending time with other couples helped my marriage, but it was finding guy friends to hang out with that made the biggest impact.

I got some advice from guys that have been married longer.  It took a while for me to learn the “don’t fix, just listen” thing.  An older friend of mine was listening to me talk about a particular argument that my wife and I had, and he stopped me and said, “I know this is going to sound strange, but you messed up,” he said.  “All you had to do there was be quiet, listen, and give her a hug when she was done.  Then maybe build her up a little.”  Apparently sometimes women just need a man to listen to them.  Weird. 

I had a place to blow off some steam when something really frustrating happened, whether it was in my marriage, at work, or in class.  It’s pretty easy to bring your work home with you, so to speak.  Have a frustrating day at work and the irritation can stay with you all the rest of the day unless you find a place to get rid of it.  Luckily, one of my good friends is a coworker, and never the cause of said stress, so sometimes after work I can give him a call and we’ll go blow stuff up playing Halo 3 for a little while he listens to me complain about work.  I return the favor.  After a couple hours of that, how can one possibly still be stressed out?

Time away grants a little perspective.  When you see someone every day one can begin to take them for granted.  Taking time to go on a trip or have a guy’s day is good for a person.  About once a month my guy friends and I like to get together to hang out for the day, playing video games, eating, and doing incredibly nerdy things like Dungeons and Dragons.  Sometimes we’ll go longer, like weekend camping trips or road trips.

Returning home after time away always makes for happy returns.  The things that may have bothered me before don’t seem so important now.  We miss each other a little bit, and plus, guys kinda smell.  It’s nice to return home to where things don’t smell quite as bad.  Sex after a long absence is good too. 

Just having fun makes you a little bit of a more interesting person.  Some guys are nothing but work and TV.  Even guys who are actively involved with their kids and their wives can get stuck in a rut.  Getting out of the normal daily routine is good for you and your spouse.  One, you laugh, which releases endorphins, making you a generally happier person to be around, and two, when you come back you have interesting stories to tell and things to discuss.

Now, these things have come over six years of being married.  I didn’t get all of these things right off the bat.  In fact, it took some work to build a group of friends who could provide these sorts of benefits.

Why Men Need to Maintain Their Social Support Networks

A friend of mine recently relayed a story to me about someone she knew who went through a tough divorce. He was complaining to my friend that women have so many resources available to them. There are magazines, talk shows, and strong social networks. What do men have?

When this guy’s friends heard how upset he was about his divorce, they told him, “Don’t worry man, I’ll get you laid.”

What a response.

Why Do Married Men Suck at Making Friends?

Socializing, like most activities, is a goal oriented task for most men.

A big part of a single man’s motivation for making friends is dating. Single guys are often looking for a girl to impress, to provide companionship. If it’s not a girl, then it’s to kill time when they’re not working or dating. Friendships fill the time.

After marriage, the focus tends to go on the spouse and on work.  Men are rather single minded, for the most part, and we don’t multitask well.  It tends to be true that good men will often focus on their marriages to the detriment of their other friendships.  This is all part of cleaving to your spouse, but if a man becomes too focused on one thing, then he can find that when things get hard and he needs a little outside help, he has no network to rely upon.

Women seem to have an inherent need to be social.  It’s part of who they are.  Men have the need too, it just seems that we aren’t aware of it sometimes.

What’s the Solution?

It needs to become a priority, guys.  For so many years, women have worked to create this social network, and guys have worked to build stuff, build careers, and build families.  The time of the loner in his cave has got to come to an end.  Whether you build your network via fishing with your buddies, road trips, or online, you need friends. 

Most of you out there who have successful careers are constantly monitoring your professional network.  What’s going on at this or that company, how is so and so’s career, etc.  This is what the ladies do.  They check in with each other, find out how their friends are doing, how the kids are doing, what difficulties they’re having.  We can do this too, without even seeming effeminate.  It just takes a little effort.

Want to read more?
How Marriage Hurt my Social Life
How Marriage Changed my Social Life.

Image courtesy of think2ink.wordpress.com

Men may not comment much on Daddy Blogs. They also may not comment much on websites about how to be a good husband. Men also, apparently, don’t think much of chivalry. You know where they do comment though? They comment on websites about how women are entitlement princesses, gold diggers, and whores.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have come across a couple of blogs that I originally thought were about male empowerment and becoming a better man. As I read posts however, and read comments and participated in the discussions, I discovered that these sites were more about enabling men who don’t want to step up to the plate and make the world what it could be.

These men have several flawed arguments for not stepping up.

- Feminism teaches women to disrespect men. While certain elements of feminism are anti-male, that’s not what feminism is about. Modern feminism is about women taking their rights into their own hands, being strong enough to stand for those rights, while at the same time still owning the right to be feminine in speech, dress, and manner.

- Women don’t want men who are strong leaders. Also not true. Women want men who are good husbands, fathers, and friends. Part of being a man is stepping up and using those uniquely masculine traits to make the world a better place. Glenn Sacks can come up with all the examples he wants of crazy, spiteful women whom no one would trust. Meanwhile, there are millions of women who quietly wish their man would step up to the plate, or who proudly support the man they married - who is a strong leader in the family and the community.

- Women now get better treatment than men in the media. I wish this fallacy would go away as well. While it is definitely true that man bashing is now in vogue with the media, that doesn’t mean that the degradation of women has lessened to a noticeable degree. We still see women as sex objects in advertising, the sexualization of little girls, and depiction of women as vapid, weak willed airheads. Too bad stereotypes are such easy advertising tools.

There are men out there who step up to the plate, don’t get me wrong. If you’re a Daddy blogger reading this, you’re most likely one of them. The Daddy Bloggers of the world have to understand that we live in a skewed world view, however, and that there are still plenty of men out there who sincerely believe that:

- Chauvinism is okay.
- Men don’t have to be leaders & providers.
- Pornography, voyeurism, and casual sex are okay.
- Physical, Emotional and Sexual Abuse are okay.

So how about it? What are you doing each day to help the world be a little bit better place? Do you stand up for what it means to be a real man? Do you stand up for chivalry?

Related Posts:
She Can Do Better Than You
Duties of A Husband
A Good Husband is a Real Man