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This year I have only three goals. One of them is to be there for my wife as she pursues her dreams. She has recently had a renaissance in her life and has expressed to me her desire to accomplish certain things. It is easy, when someone reveals their Big Dream, to express dismay and doubt that someone can accomplish something that big.

I think that the way that I can show her I love her is by being there for her, encouraging her every step of the way. I can’t do these things for her, or even really give advice on how it’s done. Instead, I must resolve myself to always be positive, never doubt her.

While the physical resources that I can provide her are limited, I will do what I can in that area.

The emotional resources, however, I can provide far more of. I can pick her up when she’s down. I can be excited and enthusiastic when she shares her successes. I can listen, refrain from giving advice, and offer a shoulder to cry on when she shares her failures. While I can’t make all the hurt go away, I can certainly be her safe place to land. I can make sure I never hurt her more than the world will already hurt her.

Very few women are as spiritually and emotionally strong as my wife. Her strength has been forged through years of trial more difficult than most people can imagine. I can give her this gift in the New Year - I will be there for her.

Today I found out that a friend of mine is getting a divorce.  I haven’t known him very long, but he’s an exceptionally likable person and very, very intelligent.  He also has children that he loves very much and as long as I’ve known him he has always expressed how much he loves them and how fun they are.  As far as I knew, his marriage was good.

Apparently I was wrong.

When my wife and I got married, we had neighbors across the hall that were married a week after we were.  We were both young couples, still in college, and under a lot of stress.  They started fighting almost immediately and ended up divorced after just a couple of months.

The thing that I found disturbing about these divorces is how insecure they make me.  Seeing other people’s marriages dissolve causes me to realize how fragile relationships really are.

So then I have to ask myself.  How can I make this experience a positive one?  What can I learn in order to improve my own marriage and keep it from ending?

Never Assume.  “If tomorrow never comes, will she know how much I loved her?”  These lyrics to the Garth Brooks song always make me wonder if I’ve done enough.  I think it’s good if I feel secure in my relationship, but I shouldn’t allow myself to become complacent.  Never assume that just because you are happy that she is too.

Talk with Her. When my wife and I were married, we were told over and over again that communication was the key to a strong and happy marriage.  If I’m feeling bad that friends are getting divorced, then I should talk with her about our own relationship and how we are doing.  Find out what her feelings are.  What is she happy with?  What would she like to see change?

Renew My Commitment. When I married my wife, I made a commitment that it would be for ever.  When I hear about someone I know getting a divorce, it makes me want to renew my dedication to my own marriage.  It’s a matter of pride to me that we’ve been able to stay married, and stay happy, for the last 6+ years.

Be Grateful. I’m exceptionally grateful that my wife still loves me.  I’m grateful that she still calls me her best friend, and I’m grateful that we can still make each other laugh and that we always come to each other first whenever something is difficult.

Realize Their Marriage is Not Mine. It’s easy to look at the number of people getting divorced and be discouraged.  In all reality, it doesn’t matter what happens to other people’s relationships if I am taking care of my own.  Even though it makes me feel insecure, in the end it comes down to what we do with our own relationship, not what others do.

The following is a guest post from Nathan Mcgee.

I have been married for 9 years (going on 10). I would love to say that we have been blissfully compatible since the day we got hitched, but far from it.  We have had our disagreements and, at times, heated arguments.  My grandpa told us, “You don’t really know a person until you’ve been married to them for 25 years.”  At times we hoped to make it just one more year.

The Cookie Dough Incident of 2000
One afternoon, early in our marriage, she was making some chocolate chip cookies. She had whipped up a batch of dough and I promptly started eating it as she dropped spoonfuls on the sheet.  My wife asked me to stop eating the dough.  I told her, “I like cookie dough,” as I took another bite.  What started as a simple request and honest rebuttal soon turned into a half hour “discussion.”  I pointed out that this was how my family made cookies, then she explained to me that if I eat all the dough then there won’t be any cookies.  Eventually we came to an understanding.  I still eat cookie dough (which is my favorite part), but she makes sure to double the recipe so that there are plenty of cookies (which is her favorite part).

Since then we have been learning how to communicate better, particularly when we don’t quite see eye to eye.  Here are the tips that I’ve found very helpful… (disclaimer:  I do not claim to be a master of these principles and find that I have to remind myself frequently to get back on path).

#1 Remember That You Love Each Other
I put this one first because it is the most important and, sometimes, the most difficult.  When tempers are high, love is often the last thing on your mind.  It helps to verbally state your love, “I am angry and frustrated with you right now, but I love you.”  It may not send you into a sudden frenzy of passionate kissing, but it will help tone down the situation.

#2 Stay Calm
No one knows how to push my buttons quicker than my wife!  If I am able to stay calm, she calms down and then we can solve the problem.  When we are both tense, then it just becomes a “you did…” match and nothing gets solved.

#3 Seek First to Understand
Most of the time, an argument starts with a simple misunderstanding.  When it isn’t a misunderstanding, people can still feel like they aren’t being understood.  The best way to combat this is the classic technique recommended by psychologists and conflict managers… restate.
Her: “It makes me so angry when you leave your shoes in the middle of the floor!”
You: “So you are upset because I left my shoes out?”

#4 Seek to Be Understood
This can be as simple as asking for her perception of your side of the story.
You: “Why do you think I keep leaving my shoes on the floor?”
Her: “Because you don’t care about keeping our home clean!”
Make sure to validate her concerns and clarify your reasoning, if necessary.
You: “I do want to keep the place clean, I just get distracted and do not think of shoes as clutter.”

#5 No One “Always” or “Never”
This can be an easy trap to fall into.  “You always leave your shoes in the middle of the floor and you never think to put them in the closet!” Truth is, no one always or never does something.  Maybe 90% of the time, but there are occasions when people veer from their habits, even if it is just momentarily.  Always and never are absolute words and in relationships, habits, behaviors and emotions can change.  You or your spouse do not want to feel confined into an absolute behavior.  “Most of the time” or “Hardly” while still emphasizing the frequency, or lack thereof, is more open and accepting.

#6 When You are Wrong, Promptly Admit It
This is good advice and probably one of the hardest to follow.  Be open to the possibility that you might be wrong. I do not mean that you should just cave to everything, but really look at the issue and if you are wrong, admit it. Followed by a sincere apology.

#7 Don’t Forget to Laugh
Laughter will lighten any mood.  There are times when feelings have been tremendously hurt and grave mistakes have been made, but for life’s little arguments, laughter can be a much needed comfort.  It can turn an argument into a building experience!

Marriage is a challenge.  You are two different people trying to ride through life together.  There are going to be disagreements which can make or break your marriage if you let them.  I do not think it’s impossible to master these principles, difficult as they may be, but perfection is not the goal. The goal is to experience consistent learning, growing and loving together.

Nathan McGee is a Social Media Strategist and trying to be a good husband to a beautiful woman who blessed him with two beautiful daughters.  He can be found at nathanmcgee.com or follow him on twitter, @nathanmcgee.

In 1915, Joseph F. Smith, then President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints introduced what has now come to be called the Family Home Evening program. The church encouraged every family to set aside Monday nights as a special time when the family would spend that time together in their home, strengthening their relationships and teaching each other.

Today Family Home Evening, or FHE, is an integral part of LDS church members’ lives. The program has been recognized by other churches, governments, and activist organizations the world over as a positive program that helps build strong marriages and raise healthy and happy children.

While FHE is primarily focused on families, FHE can be a strong marriage builder as well. My wife and I don’t have children, but we hold Family Home Evening each week.

How to Hold Family Home Evening.

Usually FHE includes an opening prayer, a song, scripture, lesson, activity, treat & finally a closing prayer. LDS.org has a really useful page for planning and running FHE, so there’s no need to recreate all of that information here, but know that it’s not intended to be a formal activity. You can add, take away, or change any of the steps. The point is for your family to be together and do something that will build relationships.

It’s not necessary for FHE to always be at your house, but the emphasis is on families together. It usually works best if it’s at the same time in the same place, with just a few variations on occasion.

How does Family Home Evening benefit your marriage?

Obviously any marriage benefits from more time together. Time together that is focused on something is even better. Guys, women love it when they know that there is a time set aside every week when you will be together. It’s reassuring and it makes them feel like your relationship is a high priority.

If you run FHE the way that it was originally created, putting God into your marriage will benefit your relationship as well. Any couple that has a strong spiritual life will be closer emotionally as well.

What kind of activities do you do for FHE?

Just about anything that your family would enjoy doing is a good FHE activity. As long as the whole family can participate and it builds rapport (no, watching a movie doesn’t count) you can do it!

There are legions of ideas for Family Home Evening activities. You can try here, here, or here.

My personal favorite FHE activities are Murder in the Dark, Settlers of Catan, or bike riding.

What do you do to engage your family and your marriage on a regular basis?

Do you have any sort of formalized activities that your family does? Do you have questions? Share them in the comments below.

In the upper echelons of the corporate world, there used to be an unwritten rule that only family men made it to the top - so men made sure that they at least appeared to be family men.

Some men married women simply to look like they were playing the game.  Women considered themselves lucky to marry a man who could provide for them and who didn’t beat them. A woman knew that her duties were to provide sex, children, and to make him look good at all costs.  A marriage built on love was not something that people expected.

As long as the woman made him look good, then it helped his career.  If she was a good homemaker, a good cook, mother and party hostess, then that man was on his way up.

I’d like to think that today’s corporate world is a little bit different.

A wife’s role in today’s corporate world can range from the traditional homemaker who stays with the children full time, helping her husband’s career by making sure things are right at home, to a power broker CEO who runs the boardroom and helps her husband’s career with her own connections.

Here are six ways that the modern wife helps her husband’s career:

Fashion consultant. She loved you when she married you and she thinks you’re a hunk of burning love - but she also wants the world to think you look good too.  Let’s face it, women pay more attention to style.  I walk out the door most days barely put together, but when I really need to look good at work, my wife has a keen eye and an amazing ability to improvise.  She’s also a great judge of color.

Homemaker. In the case of wives who make their career in the home, men are blessed to be able to come home to meals prepared for them on a regular basis, a clean house, and a sense of peace and serenity that is rare to come by in today’s busy world.  Since modern women have the choice of working in or out of the home, today’s homemaker’s are ever more capable and confident in their chosen lifestyle.  The comfort they provide their husbands is beyond measure.

Power Broker. The woman who works in the corporate world is often powerful, successful, and very good at making connections.  Women are natural networkers, and they help each other out.  Heaven help the company or individual who crosses the Power Broker’s husband.  She’ll move heaven and earth to make sure he gets the right job, the right contract, or the table at the right restaurant so that her husband can meet his goals.

Socialite.  Along with being natural networkers, wives have the ability to charm and fascinate clients, coworkers, and bosses.  They leave everyone they come in contact with thinking, “Wow, that guy must really be something to attract someone as vivacious, beautiful, and intelligent as her.  Maybe we should take a second look at him.”

Cheerleader.  No one’s opinion matters more than the wife, and no one’s doubt crushes dreams faster.  The wife who is a cheerleader for her husband can see him soar to new heights as he rides the confidence she gives him with her praise, encouragement, and smiles.  Every man wishes that he had someone to tell him he can do it, and no one fits that bill better than the wife.

Confidant.  Most men rarely share their emotions.  Many men only share their emotions with one person - their wife.  If she’s sweet, and understanding, and firm when she needs to be, then her man will be healthy and able to lead the pack when it comes to landing the big deals or making the major breakthroughs.

How has your wife helped your career?  Answer the poll to the right, and leave comments below.  Don’t forget to share this post with friends!

. . . from the beginning, [Satan] has worked with a vengeance to distort the very definition of womanhood and to confuse everyone about us, including us. Here are just a few of [Satan’s] lies: That men are smarter, have all the power, and are more important, so if we want to have influence we should be more like them; that marriage and family are confining; that motherhood is menial and a waste of any talented woman’s time; that women are perpetually frazzled and failing; and that a woman’s value is based on her size, shape and what she accomplishes outside the home. Too many women have bought these lies. Our culture is disintegrating at the speed of light, and unfortunately, our gender is doing a lot of the damage.

~Sheri Dew, ["Awake, Arise, and Come Unto Christ"
a speech given at 2008 BYU Women's Conference]

Special thanks to Liss from The Fascinating Woman for this quote.

Indeed, so many men buy into the above stereotypes as well.  Men, a Good Husband stands up for his wife, cares for her, and encourages her.  He also defends her against such abuse and goes out of his way to keep it from ever coming to her.  When he fails in his duty, he owns up to that responsibility and makes it right.  No matter how late it is at night or how much stress he’s under.

Just like it’s the little things that make a marriage great, it’s the little things that make a marriage hell.

I once heard someone say that you should find out something that annoys your spouse and make sure you do it every once in a while. Now, I can say with absolute certainty that I have this skill down pat - without even trying. I do it without thinking, but I don’t think that it helps, you know what I’m saying?

I like to perform in plays.  It’s a passion that I have, and I consider myself a professional.  The problem, of course, is that I also have a day job.  When I am in rehearsals for any particular production I tend to be very busy and when I am home, I have a tendency to be distracted and busy.  It becomes easy for me to forget to take care of my most important relationship - my marriage.

Women need emotional attention. Many men have the emotional attention span of a mayfly (for those who don’t know, the average lifespan of a mayfly is less than 24 hours, so their attention span is necessarily short).  When emotions come up for men, we roll our eyes and shrug it off.  This eye rolling is hurtful for women and not constructive in marriage.  While a man may brush off a bad dream or a quarrel, women will agonize over its meaning and need to discuss it.  Men, we need to give women the attention they are due and make sure we validate their feelings.

Open the door for your wife. It may seem like a trivial thing, but not opening the door for your wife, making a meal for yourself and not for her, leaving your dirty socks everywhere, and a thousand other little careless things make a big difference.  Some relationship therapists talk about an emotional bank account.  Every interaction you have with your spouse is either a withdrawal or a deposit.  Think about your day.  You’ll recognize which ones are withdrawals and which are deposits.  Make sure your bank account is positive.

For my marriage, the little things that kill are: failing to follow through on tasks I take on, failing to be forthcoming with my own emotions, leaving my biking clothes on the floor, or leaving sinks full of dishes.

What are the little things that kill in your marriage?

The following is a conversation that I had with my wife:

Wife: You have more hair.

Me: Of course I do.

Wife: No, I mean you have more hair on your back and shoulders.

Me: Well, yeah. I’m getting older.

Wife: What do you mean?

Me: I mean, when guys get older, they grow more hair in parts other than their head. It happens to all guys.

Wife: Eeww! Really?

Me: Yeah.

Wife: That’s…I don’t know how I feel about that.

Me: Well, hopefully you like it, because it’s only going to get worse as I get older.

Wife: …

Me: Your dad is probably getting more hairy.

Wife: Ew! Ew! Ew! (runs away into the other room)

Me: Chuckles. Stops and looks at back in the mirror.

Every marriage has their little things that make life interesting. They’re the odd conversations you have where you learn something surprising about your partner. The time when you see your spouse display a heretofore unknown talent for drawing after knowing them for three years. Those little things stick in your memory and make you smile when you remember them, even years later.

It’s these little things that make the best friends and the best lovers. Those little things are the little stitches, the tiny drops of glue that form the bond between you and your partner. Love can last a lifetime. You just have to fill it with those little things that make you laugh.

What are the little things in your marriage that make you laugh?

The one year anniversary of A Good Husband came and went without much fanfare (first post here).  This has been a modest project by any measurement, but I am glad that it has been met with well wishes by so many of you.  For the next few days, until after the New Year, I want to share with you some of the best posts from the last year.

Chivalry is Dead Because Men Are Killing It is a classic example of a blogger rant.  These kinds of rants are irritating when done all the time, but occasionally the passion bleeds out and people respond to it.  Chivalry is a bit of controversial topic.  Is it a good thing?  Is it an out of date byproduct of a frightening era?  You decide.

Image courtesy of think2ink.wordpress.com

Men may not comment much on Daddy Blogs. They also may not comment much on websites about how to be a good husband. Men also, apparently, don’t think much of chivalry. You know where they do comment though? They comment on websites about how women are entitlement princesses, gold diggers, and whores.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have come across a couple of blogs that I originally thought were about male empowerment and becoming a better man. As I read posts however, and read comments and participated in the discussions, I discovered that these sites were more about enabling men who don’t want to step up to the plate and make the world what it could be.

These men have several flawed arguments for not stepping up.

- Feminism teaches women to disrespect men. While certain elements of feminism are anti-male, that’s not what feminism is about. Modern feminism is about women taking their rights into their own hands, being strong enough to stand for those rights, while at the same time still owning the right to be feminine in speech, dress, and manner.

- Women don’t want men who are strong leaders. Also not true. Women want men who are good husbands, fathers, and friends. Part of being a man is stepping up and using those uniquely masculine traits to make the world a better place. Glenn Sacks can come up with all the examples he wants of crazy, spiteful women whom no one would trust. Meanwhile, there are millions of women who quietly wish their man would step up to the plate, or who proudly support the man they married - who is a strong leader in the family and the community.

- Women now get better treatment than men in the media. I wish this fallacy would go away as well. While it is definitely true that man bashing is now in vogue with the media, that doesn’t mean that the degradation of women has lessened to a noticeable degree. We still see women as sex objects in advertising, the sexualization of little girls, and depiction of women as vapid, weak willed airheads. Too bad stereotypes are such easy advertising tools.

There are men out there who step up to the plate, don’t get me wrong. If you’re a Daddy blogger reading this, you’re most likely one of them. The Daddy Bloggers of the world have to understand that we live in a skewed world view, however, and that there are still plenty of men out there who sincerely believe that:

- Chauvinism is okay.
- Men don’t have to be leaders & providers.
- Pornography, voyeurism, and casual sex are okay.
- Physical, Emotional and Sexual Abuse are okay.

So how about it? What are you doing each day to help the world be a little bit better place? Do you stand up for what it means to be a real man? Do you stand up for chivalry?

The one year anniversary of A Good Husband came and went without much fanfare (first post here).  This has been a modest project by any measurement, but I am glad that it has been met with well wishes by so many of you.  For the next few days, until after the New Year, I want to share with you some of the best posts from the last year.

Divorce is Too Easy was a post that I wrote when I was feeling very passionate.  Many marriage advice forums around the internet are full of people who seem to think divorce is the right alternative far too often.  Marriage is sacred and should be treated as such.  Difficulties in marriage are opportunities for growth.  Here’s the post.

On a relationship forum that I participate in regularly, there seems to be a great deal of “divorce him” talk going on.

People visit these relationship forums because they are looking for advice and help. While I don’t expect online forums to deliver professional advice, I would expect people to give advice that isn’t damaging. People come to these forums and ask for help with difficult situations of all sorts. Many of them are beyond my scope to help with, but the people in these forums were quick to suggest divorce, among other options.

Divorce is an ugly thing. We all know that. The national divorce statistics hover (in many cases have dropped below) right around 40%. Divorce has some serious negative side effects for those involved including a lowered life expectancy for men, a lower financial standard of living for women (and their children by extension) caused by the gender gap in wages, and children suffer from a loss of interpersonal skills and a lack of correct interpersonal relationship modeling.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that while there are a few good reasons for divorce, like abuse or infidelity, suggesting divorce as an initial option is hardly conducive to helping. If there were ever a case for two people who could have felt justified in getting a divorce without using the excuse of abuse or infidelity, it was my wife and I.

Our first year was pretty darn rough. We both made pretty much every relationship mistake that you can make, plus we were really young, both in college, my wife was very sick, and we had no money.

We sought out advice. We were counseled to communicate better. We tried several different discussion formats. Some worked, some didn’t. I had to learn how to share my feelings. She had to learn that not every part of the relationship has to be perfect. We were told to lower our expectations. We were told “that’s just how it is” and that we’d better get used to it.

Despite all of the well meaning advice we were given, I know that the thing that kept us together and made us want to keep trying was not only did we love each other, but we recognized that marriage is a covenant. We had made a promise before God and each other that we would stay together forever. We endured a year of unhappiness, and a second year of uneasy discomfort, before we started to really figure marriage out.

Our marriage isn’t perfect now. We’ve been married about five and a half years and we still have the occasional disagreement. Feelings still get hurt, but we’ve figured out how to handle it. We could have gotten divorced but now we’re glad we didn’t. We both feel it was worth it to work through the hurt. Our greatest joy is each other, and I believe that it will stay that way for the rest of our lives because we are both willing to work at it rather than take the easy way out.