Have you ever been too busy to be married?  You’re busy with work, school, kids, hobbies, and all the other things, and it’s putting a serious strain on your marriage. What do you do?

Is it permanent or just temporary? For many couples there are times when things become extra busy for a short period of time.  Perhaps someone gets sick, or has an extra project at work that takes up more time.  Perhaps a child is involved in a time consuming extra curricular - or perhaps you are.

If there is an end date in sight, then don’t freak out.  Figure out how to cope until the end comes.  You might try picking up a temporary hobby or a fun new TV show until your spouse finishes their project.

If it’s permanent, then you need the advice below even more than if it’s temporary.  If you are regularly away on long business trips, or you have a hobby that takes up a tremendous amount of your time, then you must make even more effort to secure your family ties.

Plan for it. Most of the time, people know when they are going to have a busy time coming.  Many couples fail to plan what they will do with their marriage when that time comes.  Have a college finals week coming up?  Are you an accountant during tax season?  Try to throw in a quick lunch on one or two of those days in a week.  You should integrate a weekly planning session into your activities as a couple so that you know when you can fit it in.

Speak Your Spouse’s Language. If you are a Good Husband, you will regularly check in with your spouse and see how she is doing, or just let her know you love her.  When you are busy you need to be able to check in relatively quickly.  Do you know how to do that?  Sure, after you’ve been married a while you can communicate a lot in just a few words and some body language, but do you know what communicates love to your spouse most effectively?  Does she like touch, kind words, or little acts of service best?  Whichever one it is, you had better find out.

Spend 30 minutes. Even if you are regularly getting home late at night and you need some time to unwind, you owe it to your spouse to give her 30 minutes of your undivided attention.  Sit down, throw your stuff aside, and give her your full attention.  Set a timer if you need to, but do it.  Ask her about her day, listen, and then tell her about your day.  Express love.  You’ll be amazed at how much you can communicate in 30 minutes and how much better you’ll both feel if you can just focus on each other for a little while.

Be patient. When one spouse is busy with an important project they often feel guilty that they are taking so much time away from the family.  Daddy regrets those long business trips anyway.  Mom, you won’t make the situation better by complaining or pouting when he has to leave.  Give a cheerful smile and a loving kiss when your spouse leaves, and greet them with a smile when they come home.

Little Acts of Service. My wife is a pro at leaving little notes when she knows that she’s going to miss me.  She’ll write a few notes on Post Its, and then put them all over my things.  Sometimes if I’m home for just a few minutes when she’s not, I’ll clean something or take out the trash.

Remember that while you can stop the gap with these little pieces of advice, no amount of success in work, school, or otherwise can make up for failure in the home.  Your marriage is the single most important relationship that you develop in life and everything else is secondary to it.  If you are too busy for months or years on end, you can do damage to your marriage that can take years to repair.

What are your major reasons for being too busy?  Please share with the community what makes you busy and how you strive to balance your family life.

As I advance further in my career, I am amazed at how a rising socioeconomic status changes my perspective.  When I was first married we fought about money.  We were young, poor, and in college.  There was a lot of pressure to make ends meet.

Fast forward a few years and what a difference.  Of course we’re not spectacularly wealthy, but I make a comfortable living.  Today I was reflecting on what money means to my marriage.

Physical Comfort. Giving plasma to pay for groceries is no way to live at all.  We live in a clean apartment with enough space.  We eat enough, drink enough, and can afford health insurance.  Our material needs are taken care of.  What a blessing it is to know that my wife is comfortable…and that I no longer have to stick a needle in my arm to pay for it.

Less Mental Stress. G.B. Shaw said that the greatest sin is poverty.  One of the worst things about being poor is the constant fear of where the next month’s rent is going to come from.  That fear causes people to exercise poor judgement sometimes.  When I am stressed I tend to lash out.  Having a little extra money gives you the ability to say no, or to make a third choice where before there might have been only two.

Better Service. With more wealth comes more ability to serve.  If you are always looking for a buck, your focus is not on how you can help others.  If you have more than you need, you can give to those who don’t.  This brings greater fulfillment in life, and thus more happiness in marriage.

Better Marital Skills. Ever attended a marital retreat? How about therapy or counseling? Read a self help book or listened to a tape?  Chances are, if you’re poor, you won’t have these opportunities.  Education brings opportunity and skill that you can’t acquire otherwise.

What do you think?  How has money blessed your marriage?  How do you think money will bless your marriage?

Also, don’t forget to enter the contest to send free flowers to your special one on Valentine’s Day!

The one year anniversary of A Good Husband came and went without much fanfare (first post here).  This has been a modest project by any measurement, but I am glad that it has been met with well wishes by so many of you.  For the next few days, until after the New Year, I want to share with you some of the best posts from the last year.

Chivalry is Dead Because Men Are Killing It is a classic example of a blogger rant.  These kinds of rants are irritating when done all the time, but occasionally the passion bleeds out and people respond to it.  Chivalry is a bit of controversial topic.  Is it a good thing?  Is it an out of date byproduct of a frightening era?  You decide.

Image courtesy of think2ink.wordpress.com

Men may not comment much on Daddy Blogs. They also may not comment much on websites about how to be a good husband. Men also, apparently, don’t think much of chivalry. You know where they do comment though? They comment on websites about how women are entitlement princesses, gold diggers, and whores.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have come across a couple of blogs that I originally thought were about male empowerment and becoming a better man. As I read posts however, and read comments and participated in the discussions, I discovered that these sites were more about enabling men who don’t want to step up to the plate and make the world what it could be.

These men have several flawed arguments for not stepping up.

- Feminism teaches women to disrespect men. While certain elements of feminism are anti-male, that’s not what feminism is about. Modern feminism is about women taking their rights into their own hands, being strong enough to stand for those rights, while at the same time still owning the right to be feminine in speech, dress, and manner.

- Women don’t want men who are strong leaders. Also not true. Women want men who are good husbands, fathers, and friends. Part of being a man is stepping up and using those uniquely masculine traits to make the world a better place. Glenn Sacks can come up with all the examples he wants of crazy, spiteful women whom no one would trust. Meanwhile, there are millions of women who quietly wish their man would step up to the plate, or who proudly support the man they married - who is a strong leader in the family and the community.

- Women now get better treatment than men in the media. I wish this fallacy would go away as well. While it is definitely true that man bashing is now in vogue with the media, that doesn’t mean that the degradation of women has lessened to a noticeable degree. We still see women as sex objects in advertising, the sexualization of little girls, and depiction of women as vapid, weak willed airheads. Too bad stereotypes are such easy advertising tools.

There are men out there who step up to the plate, don’t get me wrong. If you’re a Daddy blogger reading this, you’re most likely one of them. The Daddy Bloggers of the world have to understand that we live in a skewed world view, however, and that there are still plenty of men out there who sincerely believe that:

- Chauvinism is okay.
- Men don’t have to be leaders & providers.
- Pornography, voyeurism, and casual sex are okay.
- Physical, Emotional and Sexual Abuse are okay.

So how about it? What are you doing each day to help the world be a little bit better place? Do you stand up for what it means to be a real man? Do you stand up for chivalry?

The one year anniversary of A Good Husband came and went without much fanfare (first post here).  This has been a modest project by any measurement, but I am glad that it has been met with well wishes by so many of you.  For the next few days, until after the New Year, I want to share with you some of the best posts from the last year.

10 Ways to Be A Good Husband was the first post that hit it big on Stumbleupon, and still gets a lot of search traffic.  It’s also the most popular post for people who are looking through the archives.  Here’s the post.

1. Respect the Sanctity of Marriage

Put your marriage first. Whether you are religious or not, some things are just sacred. Marriage is very near the top of the list of sacred things. Society is built on successful families and successful families are built on a bedrock foundation of trust, love and fidelity. If every man in the world would treat his marriage like it was the most important thing in the world, above his career, friends, and hobbies, then so much of society’s problems would be solved.

2. Be Her Sounding Board

Listen to what your wife has to say. Sometimes she needs to talk to someone and that doesn’t necessarily mean she needs you to fix it. This has always been a difficult thing for me to do. Sometimes instead of having a problem fixed, women just want someone to listen to them so they can talk it out and work it out in their own minds and hearts. She might ask for suggestions or thoughts, but sometimes what she really wants is just a sounding board.

3. Show Respect and Withhold Judgement

Most likely (HOPEFULLY!) you respected your wife’s intelligence and capabilities when you married her. You should continue to do that. Women want to feel respected and cherished. They want to feel safe. If your wife makes a suggestion that you disagree with or find unreasonable, try asking her what she means, and do it in as kind a tone as possible. You might find that behind her unreasonable suggestion is a little nugget of wisdom that you did not recognize.

4. Know When to Make it About You

Every marriage should be built on the premise of making it about your spouse first. There are times, however, when an individual’s needs must be met before they can be capable of helping others. If you are really upset about something, don’t just bury it under manly silence. Tell her about it and ask for her help. Most wives will be more than glad to listen and care about you. You are not less of a man if you need help with a problem every once in a while, or if you just need to blow off a little steam. Indeed, I would say that most wives appreciate it a great deal when their husbands really open up to them about what’s troubling them.

5. Word Hard and Work Smart

Women are attracted to men who are able providers, protectors, and nurturers. They want a man who can and will be an able partner in life. It is fulfilling for a man to work hard and succeed at whatever he does. if the job requires more time than originally estimated, if it’s more strenuous than originally thought, a Good Husband will gird up his loins and redouble his efforts. Of course, working long and difficult hours when you don’t have to is less than effective. Think about what you’re doing and whether it’s actually worth it. Is there a better way to get it done? Can it be more efficient? Good Husbands use their intellect as well as their brawn.

6. Be A Leader

Do you have something you believe in? Do you hold to your convictions no matter what? If so, these are admirable traits in a man. I’m not talking about being obstinate or obtuse, I mean standing up for what’s right and convincing others to do the same. There is a whole industry built around learning how to lead, but let me just say this: if more men would take the time to help those who need a little direction, the world would be a better place.

7. Be Affectionate

Admit it. You like cuddling just a little bit. No? Fake it. Women need to feel loved and cared about. Give her a little pat when you walk by, compliment her when she’s doing some task, give her a kiss before you walk out the door. If you don’t know what kind of affection makes your wife happy, then I suggest you read The Five Love Languages. That book will show you how to find out what each of you needs in a relationship to communicate love and affection.

8. Care About Her Well Being

Not all of you will have to live with having a spouse who is chronically ill, but you will have to deal with illness, injury, and emotional distress. You should care about how your wife is feeling. She is delicate and sensitive. She needs to be cared for and it is your responsibility to do so. In addition to general health concerns, women feel better when they are allowed to be beautiful. Pamper her. I remember when I first got married and found out how much makeup and hair products cost. I almost went through the roof, but then I realized that it makes my wife happy, which in turn makes me happy.

9. Be Generous and Fair

I take care of the family finances in our household and I always make sure that my wife has some money. Whoever takes care of the money in your house, make sure that your wife is cared for and not deprived. Buy her treats and presents. Be liberal with your household budget and trust that she will be careful with the hard earned money. It’s amazing what a woman can do with a home when she is allowed free reign with decorating and arranging.

10. Think Like a Team

However you have worked out your roles within the household, whether one works and one stays home with the kids, or both work, you are a team working towards a common goal. Do you have goals? My wife and I sit down each Sunday afternoon and have family counsel. We talk about our plans for the week, how we can help each other, any business that needs to be discussed, and then we share at least 3 three things we like about each other. It usually takes about 30 minutes but it’s an integral part of our marriage.

Do you have any other suggestions?

image courtesy RodneyMullins.Wordpress.com

Could you forgive your spouse for cheating on you?  Many people would say no way, it’s not worth it, there’s too much pain and too much trust lost.

Monday’s post about the signs of a cheating husband stirred up quite a bit of controversy - but not in the comments section.  I received a flood of emails from women who had experienced cheating husbands…and who had cheated themselves.  It was a stark reminder that men are not solely at fault for ruining relationships.

Some of you didn’t like that I suggested snooping in your husband’s personal affairs.  You thought that it was an invasion of privacy and a sign of mistrust.

“I completely disagree with you that wives should snoop on their husband’s computer and cell phone usage if they’re suspicious.  I find such behavior absolutely despicable, a major invasion of privacy.  I think any snooping automatically negates any supposed “misdeeds”  FYI, I’m a married woman (have been for a little over 12 years), and I would never, ever do this to my husband, no matter how suspicious or apprehensive I was.” - Sarah

Personally, I think that a good husband shouldn’t have anything to hide from his wife.  My wife knows the passwords to my computer and email accounts, and she knows how to check my call history, but I understand the sentiment.

I asked one reader to share her story about the affair that severely damaged their marriage.  Her husband cheated on her but she forgave him - or, is at least working on forgiving him.  Here are her responses:

1) How did it come out?

“My husband confessed his affair on his own. He had an affair with an old girlfriend who lives out of state. It had been through phone calls and texting and emails. Then he flew out for a visit (on business) and spent the last night of his trip with her. He came home, and told me the next day. Based on what he said to me, the way he described his feelings (and lack there of), I knew there was a bigger problem. I told him to look up signs and symptoms of depression and Bipolar disorder and consider calling a doctor.”

2) How & why did you decide to stay?

“He called a doctor the next morning, had an appt at 3, and was put in outpatient therapy for the rest of the week. He was urged by his doctors to ‘not make any major decisions’ until after being on medication a while and having some therapy. During that time, I did my best to stay calm and unintrusive.. all while completely falling apart inside and out. He ‘wanted space’, so I gave it to him. After some time on meds, and finding out he is Bipolar, things started to improve for him. He stopped talking to the other woman about 5 weeks after his visit and decided to work on repairing our marriage. I waited patiently for his decision, for more information, for answers.. I knew that if he did not do it on his own terms, I could not trust that it was authentic.”

3) How did you get past it & what is your relationship like now?

“Infidelity literally kills a marriage. In order for a couple to stay married and recover from it, both partners have to recognize that everything they had before is gone and dead. They have to start over and rebuild from the ground up rather than trying to ‘get things back to how they used to be’. It has been less than a year since my husband’s affair, and I’m still a complete mess (but I do have other issues too that contribute to that). Getting past an affair takes hard work and dedication - it sounds rather trite and cliche, but it is the truth. If either spouse is not 100% commited and ‘in it’ then they will soon give up in frustration. I still have days where I want to just get up and walk out, but I know that that is not what God wants for me and my family. So, when things get hard, I lean on Him.

A lot about our relationship is still the same.. but a lot is different. He is now more open with me, I’m more reserved with him. He is more trusting and expressive, I’m more closed and hesitant. Hopefully, someday, we will both be more open and trusting with each other.. but I know it will take time.”

So I ask you, reader.  Could you forgive your spouse for cheating on you?  What if, unlike the above example, your husband cheated without the influence of mental illness?  What if he simply messed up?  Would you be able to forgive him then?

It’s unfortunate, but cheating husbands are a reality, and it seems like it’s more permissible now than it ever was to cheat on your spouse.

1. Admit that it’s possible. If you’ve found this page via a search engine, you may already be ready to admit this.  If not, then you need to realize that you will probably find any reason to justify your husband’s actions until you can admit that it’s possible for him to cheat.

2. Observe personal behavioral changes. Has your husband suddenly developed an interest in finer clothes, better restaurants, and new activities, and he can’t explain where this interest came from?  Has he picked up a new cologne that you didn’t recommend?

3. Working extra hours. Many guys work extra hours, but if his schedule suddenly changes and he is unspecific about what the extra hours entail, then you could have a problem.  Extra trips and extra business lunches and dinners can also be a warning sign.  If all of the extra hours aren’t adding up to extra pay or extra responsibility (i.e. a promotion), then that could be a warning sign.

4. Observe relationship changes. Was your husband affectionate before and suddenly he stopped?  Is he suddenly more affectionate than before?  He could be acting out guilt over the affair.  Is he ignoring you or stopping conversations short for no apparent reason?  Does he appear distracted or is he picking fights?

5. Check the tech. Computers and cellphones leave trails.  Check browser histories to see if your husband is visiting dating sites or unknown email addresses.  Check cellphone call histories and see if there are repeated calls by numbers you don’t recognize.

6. Reality check. Are you finding hair that isn’t yours?  Lipstick?  Perfume scents?  Collect the evidence and keep a log of it.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your husband is keep a cool head.  Jobs ebb and flow in responsibility.  Marriage relationships change in their emotional dynamic.  Men can develop late life interest in looking better or discovering new hobbies.  Just because there is change or challenges, that doesn’t necessarily indicate an affair.

Cheating also don’t necessarily have to mean the end of your marriage.  You can recover from an affair, although it can be long and difficult.  Marriage is sacred and special, and if your cheating spouse is willing to admit their mistakes and make it work, you can have a long, happy marriage afterward.

I’d love to hear from couples who have recovered from infidelity, or from anyone who knows couples who have been able to put their marriages back together.  Leave a comment below or send an email to cory (@) agoodhusband.net.

All husbands are interested in skipping foreplay, right?

There are hundreds of thousands of husbands the world over who make it regular practice to get out of their own way.  One of the biggest traps that husbands can fall into is being too prideful to realize when it’s time to make it about what your wife needs, not about what you want.

A friend of mine and I were talking one day and he told me that he had this great evening planned where he was going to have a guitar lesson and then go race remote control cars.  Sounds like a great evening for guys, right?  I talked to him the next day and he told me that he ended up canceling the whole evening.  When I asked him why, he told me that his wife (who, by the way had her fabulous Nerdy Alphabet artwork featured on Arts Afire) had a bad evening and needed to be picked up.  So he just canceled his plans, just like that, to be with her.

Last night when I got home, my wife was knee deep in the middle of writing her final paper for one of her college classes.  She’s been sick for a week, so it was extra stress, and our apartment was a mess.  Without being asked I decided to clean up.  I threw out the trash & the mounds of used tissue, put away the clean & dirty clothes, organized the papers and books, and swept the floor.  It wasn’t much, but it made a huge difference in our stress level.  Then I left her alone to finish her paperwork.

I updated my Facebook status to say, “Cory is a Tidy Husband.”  One of my friends (a guy) asked what that meant, if that had something to do with Kitty Litter?  One of my other friends (a girl) gave a rather terse reply saying that it meant that I put away my socks and didn’t act like it was doing my wife a favor.

The difference between the way men and women think, right?

Husbands, do yourselves and your marriage a favor, and get out of your own way.  These little acts of service are what marriage is all about.  Oh, yeah, and I’ve heard a lot of women say that it’s the best kind of foreplay.

Just because the blog is titled A Good Husband doesn’t necessarily mean that I am that all of the time. Even the best of men can fall down and make a mess of things.

Sometimes it’s easy, after marriage has been going smoothly for a while, to become lax. How many guys dread hearing, “We need to talk?” It’s amazing how oblivious I can be about where my marriage is at in the eyes and heart of my wife. I think, and hope for my sake, that many men can identify with this feeling.

If “We Need to Talk” is a surprise to you, then that’s a warning sign. Just because you don’t think the relationship needs work, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t. I’ve found that a wife can figuratively beat her head against the wall trying to get something across to her husband - and he can one day hear it and say to her, “Well why didn’t you tell me you felt this way before?”

I’ve done myself, my marriage, and all of you a disservice. When I started writing, it was with a passion for improving my marriage. As I wrote, many things seemed to resonate with people and this site started to become popular. The allure of popularity is strong. Twitter and other social media sites made me feel like I was really getting better at marriage - when really, all I was doing was becoming a moderately well known blogger.
Becoming a well known blogger is not what makes a good husband. Improving yourself and caring for your wife make you a good husband.

Daily care, devotion, and attention to her feelings - that’s what makes a good husband.

Validating her feelings - making sure she knows that you care about what she thinks and feels - is more important than being right or winning.

She cares a great deal for you, and feeling rejected or belittled makes her feel ill.

Femininity is different than masculinity, and that’s a good thing.

Husbands, when your wife says We Need to Talk, please listen.

Yesterday I received an email from a well known dating website asking me to pitch a survey to my readers. Here’s the text (embedded links removed):

Hi Blogger!

We hope you had a great Thanksgiving weekend! It’s officially the start of Holiday Season and the entire staff at Date.com, Matchmaker.com and Amor.com have been thinking about shopping, gift giving and of course - parties! That gave us a great idea for a holiday survey.

If your office party is anything like ours, we know there’s plenty of water cooler gossip the morning after, and tales of who hooked up with whom is usually at the top of the office gossip list! While we know with the recession a lot of companies have shelved their annual holiday parties, we were wondering who you - and your readers - would have a drunken hook up with under the mistletoe. Click on the survey link to let us know!

Happy Holidays!

Shira Zwebner and the relationship advisors at Date.com, Matchmaker.com and Amor.com

shira@date.com (feel free to drop Shira an email and let her know what a good job she did pitching a dating website to a guy who blogs about marriage…)

What I want to know is why would you pitch a dating website to a guy who writes about the challenges of being married? Also, it’s obvious that this person has never read my blog, because the survey is all about “who would you rather have a drunken fling with…”

Give me a break. If fewer people would have drunken flings, then there would be fewer broken homes and more happy marriages.

To Shira and the rest of the people at Date.com: don’t bother me, learn your audience, and keep your emails about office gossip to yourself.

EDIT: Since I’m having such a great day, I’ll add this: If Shira and the Date.com people want lessons on how to effectively pitch bloggers & social media mavens, I’m open to give some advice.

Don Draper is the lead character from Mad Men - the hit Emmy Award winning show on AMC.  Don is smooth, good looking, and rich.  He’s also got a strange take on what being married means.

Not talking can lead to adultery. Don won’t talk to his wife about anything.  Instead, he visits his mistress Midge and tells her everything.  We get the impression that because he feels comfortable talking to her, he then feels comfortable having sex with her.  Everyone needs someone to trust, and if it’s not going to be your wife, it’s going to end up being someone.

Being a good provider does not mean you’re a good husband. Don is wealthy and he can afford many of the finer things in life.  He buys his wife beautiful clothes, jewelry, and a big house - but he doesn’t show her any love and she is stunningly unhappy.

Not trusting your wife can make you eat crow. When Don’s boss makes a pass at his wife and Don walks in the room just in time to see the awkward silence, he blames her for flirting with his boss.  The next day, Don is surprised by his boss apologizing for being inappropriate.

Chivalry is not the same as care. In the pilot episode, Don chastizes Pete Campbell for acting like an unmannered pig to Peggy.  He then goes home and ignores his wife.  While he’s seldom rude to her, Betty is unhappy in their marriage because he doesn’t show her he cares.

Working too much estranges you from your kids. Don’s daughter has a bad dream and jumps into bed with her family.  Later, he mentions to Betty that their daughter seems to cry a lot.  Betty looks at him strangely and tells him that no, she doesn’t.

Don’t spy on your wife. Don is paying for his wife to visit a psychologist.  He’s also calling the psychologist regularly and forcing him to tell Don everything about their sessions, without telling Betty that he’s doing it.  Later he uses the information that he gets from those sessions to insult and deride her.

Lack of love makes your wife ill. Don doesn’t show much affection for his wife.  He doesn’t talk to her about much of anything.  Betty has the shakes.  There’s not anything physically wrong with her.  She decides to see a psychologist, but the audience is meant to know that she’s supressing feelings of frustration and guilt over her marriage.

Not supporting your wife causes her to lie to you. Don kills Betty’s budding modeling career when he turns down a job offer with a bigger ad agency.  Instead of fighting for the ad agency to keep Betty as the model for the new Coca Cola campaign, he just lets it go.  Betty tells him later that she has decided not to model anymore, but she’s hiding a deep hurt that she was let go from the campaign.

Don’t have private lunches with female clients. Don has a private lunch with his client Rachel at the behest of his boss.  Then he has another one, and another.  Before you know it, she’s fallen in love with him, and he’s enamored of her.  She rebuffs him because she knows that he’s married, but he is insistent, which leads to the next point.

Your wife should be the person you turn to first…and last. Don has a rather rough night when his boss has a heart attack and he has to cover for the affair that his boss was having.  He calls his wife to tell her what happened, but she’s away on a trip.  She asks if he wants her to come home, but he declines, saying there’s nothing she can do.  Don gets drunk and shows up at Rachel’s apartment and they sleep together.