I was born a bastard. I used to hate it when my friend Jeremy would call me that. He did it as a joke because he knew that I never knew my biological father. He and my mother weren’t married when I was conceived, and he took off when he found out my teenage mother was pregnant.

My mother’s string of bad boyfriends ended, when I was nine, in a marriage to a carnie – you know, the guys who work at the traveling carnivals, running those whirly rides and conning kids into throwing their money away. He was a piece of work as well. For nine years I shared a house with a man who mocked and derided my mother and I, drank himself to sleep at nights, and modeled abusive behavior. I spent nights listening to them fight with each other, hearing him hitting her, and understanding that this was marriage.

People are often surprised when they hear about my background. They often think that because I am now Mormon that I must come from a perfect Mormon background. You know, perfect parents who read the Bible daily, serve in the local PTA, and are fine upstanding citizens. Not quite.

People often ask me how I got out alive. What enabled me to break out of my family cycle? Here’s what I did.

Service.

The first thing that got me started on the path of the abuse cycle was service. I was blessed with the opportunity to do some community service work as a high schooler. From that I was presented with the opportunity to become a two year volunteer missionary with the Chinese community in Vancouver, British Columbia. The two years of service allowed me to see the world from a different perspective, get outside myself and away from my situation.

New Role Models.

One of the other great things that came from my missionary service was the opportunity to work with men who modeled good marriage behavior. The man who led the group of missionaries I was with was a kind, gentle, and financially wealthy man who treated his wife as if she were gold. It was a revelation to me. I had never seen men behave that way before, except in old movies. I had always thought that gentlemanly behavior was something of an anachronism that didn’t belong in our times. I learned what a good husband could be like.

Education.

A well rounded education gave me the tools that I needed to become more self aware. When I read the classic writings of the world’s great authors I started to get an understanding of my place in the human race and the history of the world. I can see how my behavior compares to the behavior of the great men of the world.

Escape from Poverty.

George Bernard Shaw said that the greatest sin in the world is poverty. While that may or may not actually be true, poverty is at the root of many social ills. Poverty is the primary cause for a lack of education. Poor people tend to be obese, more violent, and less open to change. I’m still experiencing my own emergence from poverty, but knowing that I have a good job that will provide for myself and my wife has allowed me to change the way that feel about situations that I am confronted with. There is less stress about where rent money is going to come from, a more relaxed attitude about bills in general, and a willingness on my part to give to others.

Prayer.

Last on my list, but certainly not least, communing with the divine has given me a sense of purpose in my life, as well as a direction to go. Prayer has not solved every problem I’ve had, but it has certainly given me the tools to get up and work at solving my own problems.

I still struggle with my childhood. There’s a lot of insecurity inside of me when it comes to marriage. I still have nightmares about being like my stepfather, and I still wish that I could have known my biological father. Sometimes I act a certain way towards my wife and I wonder what could have triggered it – then I remember my stepfather acting that way. Luckily for me, I have an infinitely patient wife who stands by me through all of these struggles.

Being born an illegitimate child may have formed the framework for how my life would go, but it certainly did not set that framework in stone. Anyone who wants to can change themselves. Anyone can move beyond selfishness and serve others. Anyone can recognize the good in others and try to emulate it. Anyone can pull themselves up out of poverty, get an education, and learn to rely on the merits of prayer. Not only can you, but you must. If you want to improve your marriage and your life.

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Mahatma Ghandi.

Hey everyone!  The Manival is back!  It was such a rousing success last time, that I have gladly accepted the opportunity to host again.  Just in case you don’t know, the Manival was started by Brett at ArtofManliness.com and for the past 3 months has been circulating around the internet, showcasing the best articles on Manliness that manly bloggers have to offer.


BTW, the pic to the left is from PersistentIllusion.  It was used for the Manival before, but I love it so much I had to bring it back.  Thanks Persistent!

Relationship Advice:

A Husband presents Make Out With Your Wife posted at iamhusband.com.

Bob presents Don’t Axe Me About That posted at Stormbringer’s Thunder.

Fatherhood:

Apparently some men are feeling a little need to lay down the law as Derek presents Discipline :: Stick To It posted at The Man Page and Dad of Divas presents Maniverse #9 - On Becomming a Disciplinarian posted at Dad of Divas.

Mike Carr presents Dadosphere Launch Contest posted at Dadosphere.

Corey Allan presents Man Up: Tuck Your Kids Into Bed posted at The Simple Marriage Project.
  
Some great (and slightly off-beat) how to’s:

Kevin presents Manliness Trait: Treat The Speaker As The Most Important Person In The Room posted at Return To Manliness.

Dr. Awesome presents Dog Names posted at To Every Man A Manswer.

John presents a great self searching post, Harrowed Parent: How to Be a Man posted at Harrowed Parent.

Dustin Boston presents How Ditching My Gas Lawn Mower Made Me Love Cutting the Grass posted at dBlogIt.

Andrew presents A Gentleman’s Guide to Dinner Manners posted at Primer.

Well written musings on manhood:

Scott Moore presents House Arrest posted at Always Leave You Wanting “Moore”.

Jeff Tincher presents Why Can’t I Relax? | Daddy`s Toolbox posted at Daddys Toolbox.

Israel presents Don’t Ignore the Man Boobs on My Chest posted at Fat Man Unleashed.

James Hills presents Rock and Roll, Video Games, and Uber Chic? It’s Hotel Sax Chicago! | Mancation Hotels | Man Tripping posted at Man Tripping - Guys Weekends and Mancations.

babbo presents Time: The Slippery, Fleeting Thing That Doesn’t Really Exist posted at Daddy Brain.

Men like to receive compliments and praise, ladies. Women may joke that men have fragile little egos that need to be stroked, but few things go as far for a man as a little recognition of his inherent worth.

Men, I’m here to tell you that is okay. Women, you should read this story from the Fascinating Woman about how simply complimenting your husband can change your marriage.

In my post on Companionship Inventory I mentioned that my wife and I give each other at least three to five sincere compliments each and every Sunday. This practice was a huge contributor to saving our marriage in those first two difficult years.

Speaking for myself, I find the following three points about praise to be true.

Even though I want it, I find it difficult to accept praise. I love to be told I did a good job. I love it when my wife says the food I made is good, thanks me for providing our income, or tells me I’m good looking. The problem is that I often turn this praise aside. I’ll say things like, “Anybody could have done that,” or “No, I’m not.”

We should receive praise graciously. I know men on the opposite end of the praise receiving spectrum. Their wife says they did a good job and they immediately reply, “Darn right I did.” Some men don’t know how to react when they’re praised.

Hint: Men, the correct response is to say “thank you,” or even “thanks.” Nothing else is necessary, as long as you are gracious. You could perhaps try adding a smile.

To get praise, you should give praise liberally and return praise sincerely. Let your wife know she’s beautiful. Tell her you appreciate her cooking. Rave about how good she is with the kids. Write her a note saying these things so that she can hold onto it. When you get a compliment from someone, try saying something nice about them back.

You don’t have to tell anyone this, but that last one is straight out of my wife’s Miss Manners book (it’s also in Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, if that’s more manly for you). If you can master the art of returning each compliment with something you sincerely appreciate about that person, you will become popular and have lots of friends.

What about all of you? Do you find it difficult to accept or give compliments?

In the spirit of Good Husband Deeds, A Good Husband is now launching the Hot Wives Series.

• Hottest.
• Best M.I.L.K.* (that’s Mother I’d Like to Kiss…)
• Best Muffins.
• Most Innocent & Pure.

Do your male emotions get in the way of a successful marriage?What do you fear in your marriage or about your marriage?

I have always feared that somehow my wife would wake up and realize that she can do better than me. I’m not the smartest guy, nor the best looking. I grew up in a family situation that was less than ideal, and as such I feel like I often make mistakes that are just unbelievable in retrospect.

I think many men are amazed that their wives put up with them on a day to day basis. What with all of the feminists out there telling women they can go it their own and they don’t need a man to be secure.

It’s amazing, sometimes, how that fear drives me. I can honestly say that sometimes (not all the time, but sometimes) it’s not so much love that motivates me to do all the little things in my marriage that make it work, but fear. I fear that if I don’t spend an evening with her when I really just want to be left alone that her feelings will be hurt and our marriage damaged.

This has been a difficult post for me to write. It’s taken me several attempts over several days, and liberal use of the backspace key. Why is it so difficult for men to admit what they are afraid of?

When I was in drama school I went through some seriously challenging exercises in acting classes where we had to reveal some of our deepest fears and be able to deal with them. When in that kind of situation it’s amazing how supportive my fellow students and actors were. We all cried together and helped each other out. We gave each other suggestions and took advice that was given.

In this online community, however, it is a little more difficult to open up, and if it’s difficult for me, then I have to understand that it may be even more difficult for all of the other men out there who are walking around with tremendous burdens on their shoulders. We all know that a burden shared is a burden halved, but it’s still a scary thing to share our fear.

I fear to share because I fear being humiliated or being seen as less than a man.

If what we want is for our fear to be assuaged and our burdens to be made lighter, then we must risk that humiliation. It takes risk to achieve our goals. Men are taught to risk in business, in play, but not emotionally. That’s too dangerous for most of us.

It would be ideal if AGoodHusband.net were a place where men were able to open up and ask questions about their relationships that they don’t dare talk about in other places. I hope that can happen, but if not I understand. I put the time into writing posts like these because I hope that it will inspire other men to participate in the discussion.

So, men, what do you think? What are your biggest fears in your relationships?

I recently took a look at a Yahoo search that I was popping up under (keywords “good future husband”), and found something quite amusing. The rapper Ludacris was showing up in the number three spot on the search. I showed up somewhere near the bottom. Now, I’m sitting here trying to figure out what A Good Husband has in common with Ludacris and how we have crossover appeal, and I can’t make any sense of it.

Perhaps Yahoo knows something about Ludacris that I don’t know. Perhaps Ludacris would make a great husband (is he married?) and Yahoo simply wants everyone to know about it. If so, that’s awful kind of them (and rather prescient).

I guess it doesn’t make any sense to me with the kind of lyrics that come out of the hip hop culture. I took a look at some of Ludacris’ lyrics, and they seemed to be standard fare for the rapper culture, with a few exceptions. It’s pretty easy to villify rap and say that all rappers are bad, and I hate to do it, but cultivating a persona that is tough, mean, and “hard” just seems to promote that attitude.

If you’re going to promote that kind of persona, and you’re going to continue to use slurs like the “N-word” then I don’t know how good of a future husband you’re going to be.

Back in the days when people still fought wars with swords, the elite units were called cavalry. The cavalry, or at least some of them, rode on armored horses and were usually held back in a battle until a fast, flanking, powerful strike was needed at a defining moment of a battle. Very few armies could stand before a cavalry.

My day job is a little bit like being a part of a cavalry. I spend a lot of time helping people use the internet to advance their business. They’re often very grateful for my outside expertise and help. It causes me to reflect a little bit. When I’m trying to do something that is outside of my area of expertise, do I consult outside experts?

You see, something I’ve noticed is that a lot of men refuse to ask for help, no matter how little they may know about a subject. I’m guilty of this at times. When I do have a little more sense, here is a partial list of my favorite cavalry:

- Graime at the Portland office of UBS. After I graduated from college I needed someone to help me get my finances in order. While Graime isn’t my immediate financial advisor, he pointed me in the right direction to get the help that I needed. My training isn’t in money, and money is one of my biggest sources of stress, so why not bring in an expert? Stress relieved.

- Aaron Wall over at SEOBook. While I help people at my job with online marketing, Aaron is my guru of sorts with all of his helpful information on Search Engine Optimization.

- My doctor. I have just recently discovered the joys of health insurance (more on life without health insurance later). Did you know that the average man spends only two to two and a half minutes with his doctor? Are you leveraging your doctor’s expertise? I doubt it.

What kind of things do you call in experts for? Who are the experts you recommend?

I’m a trained actor. That’s what I studied in college and what I have planned on doing with my life for a long time. Recently I took a full time day job so that my chronically ill wife could have health insurance and so that we could pay off some debt. One night my beautiful wife asked me if I regretted working at a regular job instead of pursuing acting full time.

The answer is no, of course not. I love the theatre and it is my passion, but I also love my wife and I regard the promises that I made to her as sacrosanct. Husbands have certain duties and obligations that must be filled. Meeting these obligations is far more fulfilling than achievement in a chosen profession.

A very wise man that I know named Richard Moffat gave a lesson on priorities that reflected the duties of a husband. Those priorities are, in order of importance, as follows:

1. A Higher Power. Whether you are Christian, Jew, Muslim or something else you owe your respect and diligence to something outside of yourself. Even if you are an Atheist, you will find your life more fulfilling if you have something outside of you and bigger than you to believe in. Your duty to a Higher Power should be first in your life, before everything else. If it is, then you will have the proper perspective on life and your spirit will be fed, enlarged, and enlightened.

2. Self. You are not able to help others with all your capacity if you are not functioning at your highest level. You need to make sure you are healthy, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Jesus Christ told the hypocritical Pharisees that they were “whited sepulchres full of dead men’s bones and rotting flesh,” and that before they could tell others how to act they must first “cleanse the inner vessel.”

3. Spouse. The most important person in your life is your spouse. Not your boss, mother, father, or any other. If you treat your spouse as being important, and your marriage as sacrosanct, many problems will fall away without even being noticed.

4. Church/Volunteering. Rendering service is important and good. It builds character and perspective. Notice that I put duty to a higher power above duty to your church. They’re often separate.

5. Career. Far too many men obsess about their careers. They see it as what defines them. Many men do it without realizing they are obsessing. If your career is getting in the way of your spirit, your health, or your relationship, then something is wrong. I truly believe that placing your higher power, your self, and your spouse above your career is a true key to happiness.

6. Social. Friends, football games, and backyard barbecues are wonderful, enriching, and fun. They can also be very time consuming. A husband should not let any of these things interfere with his relationship with his higher power or with his spouse. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of friends and really enjoy spending time with them, but I know where my first priorities belong.

Whether you are a contractor, actor, business executive or anything else, do you wake up each morning with a smile on your face because of how you are going to spend your day?

I used to sell cell phones (check out that link by my buddy in the Phillipines). I was one of those guys in the mall that yells out to people, “Hey, do you like your cellphone plan?” Yeah, that guy. I made pretty good money at that job. Working part time I made enough to get myself through college, but there were many days that I did not like the job, or the stress, or, well, any of it.

I have a great job now. I really love it and it’s helped my marriage in the following ways:

Low Stress Level

When I worked at the cellphone store I was always stressed about how much money I was making. On a straight commission basis, there were guys who were making tons of money, but I was always worried about whether or not I would make it. I like technology, but I didn’t like the environment of retail, or the hours, or the people that I worked with. I detested going to work.

My current job is a commission based job selling internet marketing services as well as being an actor/director. My stress levels are significantly lower now because I’m doing something that I am really passionate about. I firmly believe that Blogging, Search Engine Marketing, and Social Media are the future. I also love performing and being involved in the theatre community.

Because I wake up each day and prepare to do something that I can get really excited about, my stress levels are the lowest they’ve been since I started college. I have little free time still, and my income is still commission based, but it’s easier for me to accept because I like what I do.

Increased Energy Levels

Being stressed out produces tension. This is something that I studied intensively as an actor/dancer. When you are unhappy that energy is held in bad posture, slouched shoulders, clenched teeth, and other energy stealing habits. Also, people who are unhappy tend to consume more simple carbohydrates to get that “sugar high” that makes them temporarily feel better, but which resolve in a sugar crash later that can take a long time to recover from.

Conversely, being happy allows you to release unnecessary tension from your body and your life. People stand up straighter, move faster, and laugh more - a sure way to release endorphins into your blood stream. This all translates into being someone who is easier to get along with, someone who is more able to listen and more able to care about his spouse.

Financial Success

When I didn’t like doing what I was doing, I always thought about the money. I was constantly assessing where I was financially and because I was always worried about not having money, I did not.

What I have noticed since I started doing the work that I enjoy doing is that I am doing better financially. Since I enjoy my job, I put my heart and mind into my job and I am more effective in the time that I spend at work. I am also willing to put in time to make up for deficiencies in my job.

General Happiness

When I like what I am doing and feel that I am receiving an appropriate financial renumeration for my work I become confident and more secure. My wife feels more secure as well since she knows where we stand and feels that confidence coming from me.

The thing is, with the way the world and the internet are operating now, there are so many opportunities to do something new and totally different, or to at least work from home. I am working on that myself right now, and it makes me happy to do what I do each day. I can honestly say that since I turned the corner a year ago and started really pursuing what I love doing that my life has been immeasurably happier. I highly recommend that each man out there figures out what he really wants to do with his life and then pursue it with great vigor.

I would love to hear from any of you on what things you have pursued career-wise that have brought you great happiness. Please share!

I’m a baby when sick. Yes, Derek, I’ve officially been persuaded. I got sick today and I feel like crap. I find myself whining incessantly and wishing that my wife would wait on me hand and foot. Luckily she’s nice enough to just laugh it off and bring me some food, then leave me alone.

I was writing earlier over at The Abundant Artist about not forcing things to happen. I have found that when I get sick I have to allow it to run its course or else it just becomes much, much worse. I once got sick and tried to go out and work. After being out for about three hours I had to go home. I went to bed and slept from 10 am until the next morning at around 8 am.

Sickness is a sign that something is wrong. The scientific among you may say that illness is merely the result of microbes invading the human body and while this is correct, there is more to it. A person’s health is directly related to their emotional and spiritual health. You might be interested in reading Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol Truman for more information about the relationship between mind, emotion, and body health.

Until then, I’m going to take a rest and allow myself to recover from whatever is going on with me. YouTube always makes me feel better when I’m sick. I leave you with this bit of enjoyment: