All husbands are interested in skipping foreplay, right?

There are hundreds of thousands of husbands the world over who make it regular practice to get out of their own way.  One of the biggest traps that husbands can fall into is being too prideful to realize when it’s time to make it about what your wife needs, not about what you want.

A friend of mine and I were talking one day and he told me that he had this great evening planned where he was going to have a guitar lesson and then go race remote control cars.  Sounds like a great evening for guys, right?  I talked to him the next day and he told me that he ended up canceling the whole evening.  When I asked him why, he told me that his wife (who, by the way had her fabulous Nerdy Alphabet artwork featured on Arts Afire) had a bad evening and needed to be picked up.  So he just canceled his plans, just like that, to be with her.

Last night when I got home, my wife was knee deep in the middle of writing her final paper for one of her college classes.  She’s been sick for a week, so it was extra stress, and our apartment was a mess.  Without being asked I decided to clean up.  I threw out the trash & the mounds of used tissue, put away the clean & dirty clothes, organized the papers and books, and swept the floor.  It wasn’t much, but it made a huge difference in our stress level.  Then I left her alone to finish her paperwork.

I updated my Facebook status to say, “Cory is a Tidy Husband.”  One of my friends (a guy) asked what that meant, if that had something to do with Kitty Litter?  One of my other friends (a girl) gave a rather terse reply saying that it meant that I put away my socks and didn’t act like it was doing my wife a favor.

The difference between the way men and women think, right?

Husbands, do yourselves and your marriage a favor, and get out of your own way.  These little acts of service are what marriage is all about.  Oh, yeah, and I’ve heard a lot of women say that it’s the best kind of foreplay.

Just because the blog is titled A Good Husband doesn’t necessarily mean that I am that all of the time. Even the best of men can fall down and make a mess of things.

Sometimes it’s easy, after marriage has been going smoothly for a while, to become lax. How many guys dread hearing, “We need to talk?” It’s amazing how oblivious I can be about where my marriage is at in the eyes and heart of my wife. I think, and hope for my sake, that many men can identify with this feeling.

If “We Need to Talk” is a surprise to you, then that’s a warning sign. Just because you don’t think the relationship needs work, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t. I’ve found that a wife can figuratively beat her head against the wall trying to get something across to her husband - and he can one day hear it and say to her, “Well why didn’t you tell me you felt this way before?”

I’ve done myself, my marriage, and all of you a disservice. When I started writing, it was with a passion for improving my marriage. As I wrote, many things seemed to resonate with people and this site started to become popular. The allure of popularity is strong. Twitter and other social media sites made me feel like I was really getting better at marriage - when really, all I was doing was becoming a moderately well known blogger.
Becoming a well known blogger is not what makes a good husband. Improving yourself and caring for your wife make you a good husband.

Daily care, devotion, and attention to her feelings - that’s what makes a good husband.

Validating her feelings - making sure she knows that you care about what she thinks and feels - is more important than being right or winning.

She cares a great deal for you, and feeling rejected or belittled makes her feel ill.

Femininity is different than masculinity, and that’s a good thing.

Husbands, when your wife says We Need to Talk, please listen.

Today is my 28th birthday.  I’m still a kid.  It’s amazing to me that anyone listens to me at all, to be perfectly honest.

What do husbands want for their birthdays?  I can think of a few things that most guys probably want;

whatever kind of food that’s bad for him & doesn’t usually get to eat, a happy wife, happy kids, a little party, some cake & ice cream, a power tool of some sort, a call from his mother, a day off from chores, a day off of work, co-workers who care, little happy birthday surprises that he would never ask for, a flat screen tv, a dremmel tool, cookies, a drill press, a hug from his kids, those little hand made cards that kids make with macaroni and elmer’s glue…

A little appreciation.  We’re not terribly hard to please.  Even though we don’t ask for it, we all just need a little appreciation.  Thanks, ladies.

Oh, and for those of you who want to wish me a happy birthday, go for it - but if you could do one more thing, it would be greaty appreciated.  Notice the picture of Dick Van Dyke on the right?  It’s there because of the HusbandsandDads.com traffic referral contest.  Do me a favor and click on over, read about the contest, and participate, if you have a website.  We’re giving away free stuff…

January 26, 1925 – September 26, 2008

Paul Newman was an actor, philanthropist and race car driver.  He won dozens of awards for his acting, including an Oscar and three Golden Globes.  He also won awards for racing, and for his humanitarian work.

My favorite role that Newman played was in Cat On A Hot Tin Roof with Elizabeth Taylor.  Striking a scarily close image of Marlon Brando, Newman was absolutely heart-rending in the Tennessee Williams play turned movie.

Although I am an actor and I admired and emulated Newman’s work, the thing that I most admire about the man is how he made his marriage work.  After his first marriage, he married Joanne Woodward in 1958 and they stayed married for fifty years.  Famous for his quip about infidelity, “Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?” Newman was a family man through and through.  He lived with his family in Connecticut, far away from the busy life of Hollywood.

If there is a way that I could choose to be remembered it would in part be like this line from his official obituary:

A week ago Paul sat with his daughter in the arbor of the garden, breathed in all the late summer beauty, and said very quietly, “It’s been a privilege to be here.”

Newman’s five children remembered him as being a wonderful father.

The other way that I would want to be remembered is this, also from his obituary:

On hearing of Paul’s death, a friend said, “Now cracks a noble heart,” but knew that Paul would have laughed at that. The same friend wrote: “No one in his audience was ever privy to the tenderness and pride Paul had for Joanne and her talent. Watching him on the set watching her, from his seat by the camera, was to see a man transformed: his brave face taken all unawares, his lips parted in amazement, his eyes brimming with tears that never fell. It was a brief window into a man in perpetual love.”

Truly, Paul Newman was A Good Husband.  We’ll miss him.

Check out the ABC News article on how Dads, Husbands, and men in general are blogging, chatting, and social networking their way to better relationships.

Just like to point out that I wrote about this very thing two months ago, so I sort’ve scooped ABC News.

Sort of.

Have a happy Friday everyone, and you should check out the conversation on this article on Twitter.com

Men like to receive compliments and praise, ladies. Women may joke that men have fragile little egos that need to be stroked, but few things go as far for a man as a little recognition of his inherent worth.

Men, I’m here to tell you that is okay. Women, you should read this story from the Fascinating Woman about how simply complimenting your husband can change your marriage.

In my post on Companionship Inventory I mentioned that my wife and I give each other at least three to five sincere compliments each and every Sunday. This practice was a huge contributor to saving our marriage in those first two difficult years.

Speaking for myself, I find the following three points about praise to be true.

Even though I want it, I find it difficult to accept praise. I love to be told I did a good job. I love it when my wife says the food I made is good, thanks me for providing our income, or tells me I’m good looking. The problem is that I often turn this praise aside. I’ll say things like, “Anybody could have done that,” or “No, I’m not.”

We should receive praise graciously. I know men on the opposite end of the praise receiving spectrum. Their wife says they did a good job and they immediately reply, “Darn right I did.” Some men don’t know how to react when they’re praised.

Hint: Men, the correct response is to say “thank you,” or even “thanks.” Nothing else is necessary, as long as you are gracious. You could perhaps try adding a smile.

To get praise, you should give praise liberally and return praise sincerely. Let your wife know she’s beautiful. Tell her you appreciate her cooking. Rave about how good she is with the kids. Write her a note saying these things so that she can hold onto it. When you get a compliment from someone, try saying something nice about them back.

You don’t have to tell anyone this, but that last one is straight out of my wife’s Miss Manners book (it’s also in Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, if that’s more manly for you). If you can master the art of returning each compliment with something you sincerely appreciate about that person, you will become popular and have lots of friends.

What about all of you? Do you find it difficult to accept or give compliments?

In the spirit of Good Husband Deeds, A Good Husband is now launching the Hot Wives Series.

• Hottest.
• Best M.I.L.K.* (that’s Mother I’d Like to Kiss…)
• Best Muffins.
• Most Innocent & Pure.

I recently took a look at a Yahoo search that I was popping up under (keywords “good future husband”), and found something quite amusing. The rapper Ludacris was showing up in the number three spot on the search. I showed up somewhere near the bottom. Now, I’m sitting here trying to figure out what A Good Husband has in common with Ludacris and how we have crossover appeal, and I can’t make any sense of it.

Perhaps Yahoo knows something about Ludacris that I don’t know. Perhaps Ludacris would make a great husband (is he married?) and Yahoo simply wants everyone to know about it. If so, that’s awful kind of them (and rather prescient).

I guess it doesn’t make any sense to me with the kind of lyrics that come out of the hip hop culture. I took a look at some of Ludacris’ lyrics, and they seemed to be standard fare for the rapper culture, with a few exceptions. It’s pretty easy to villify rap and say that all rappers are bad, and I hate to do it, but cultivating a persona that is tough, mean, and “hard” just seems to promote that attitude.

If you’re going to promote that kind of persona, and you’re going to continue to use slurs like the “N-word” then I don’t know how good of a future husband you’re going to be.

I’m a trained actor. That’s what I studied in college and what I have planned on doing with my life for a long time. Recently I took a full time day job so that my chronically ill wife could have health insurance and so that we could pay off some debt. One night my beautiful wife asked me if I regretted working at a regular job instead of pursuing acting full time.

The answer is no, of course not. I love the theatre and it is my passion, but I also love my wife and I regard the promises that I made to her as sacrosanct. Husbands have certain duties and obligations that must be filled. Meeting these obligations is far more fulfilling than achievement in a chosen profession.

A very wise man that I know named Richard Moffat gave a lesson on priorities that reflected the duties of a husband. Those priorities are, in order of importance, as follows:

1. A Higher Power. Whether you are Christian, Jew, Muslim or something else you owe your respect and diligence to something outside of yourself. Even if you are an Atheist, you will find your life more fulfilling if you have something outside of you and bigger than you to believe in. Your duty to a Higher Power should be first in your life, before everything else. If it is, then you will have the proper perspective on life and your spirit will be fed, enlarged, and enlightened.

2. Self. You are not able to help others with all your capacity if you are not functioning at your highest level. You need to make sure you are healthy, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Jesus Christ told the hypocritical Pharisees that they were “whited sepulchres full of dead men’s bones and rotting flesh,” and that before they could tell others how to act they must first “cleanse the inner vessel.”

3. Spouse. The most important person in your life is your spouse. Not your boss, mother, father, or any other. If you treat your spouse as being important, and your marriage as sacrosanct, many problems will fall away without even being noticed.

4. Church/Volunteering. Rendering service is important and good. It builds character and perspective. Notice that I put duty to a higher power above duty to your church. They’re often separate.

5. Career. Far too many men obsess about their careers. They see it as what defines them. Many men do it without realizing they are obsessing. If your career is getting in the way of your spirit, your health, or your relationship, then something is wrong. I truly believe that placing your higher power, your self, and your spouse above your career is a true key to happiness.

6. Social. Friends, football games, and backyard barbecues are wonderful, enriching, and fun. They can also be very time consuming. A husband should not let any of these things interfere with his relationship with his higher power or with his spouse. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of friends and really enjoy spending time with them, but I know where my first priorities belong.

1. Respect the Sanctity of Marriage

Put your marriage first. Whether you are religious or not, some things are just sacred. Marriage is very near the top of the list of sacred things. Society is built on successful families and successful families are built on a bedrock foundation of trust, love and fidelity. If every man in the world would treat his marriage like it was the most important thing in the world, above his career, friends, and hobbies, then so much of society’s problems would be solved.

2. Be Her Sounding Board

Listen to what your wife has to say. Sometimes she needs to talk to someone and that doesn’t necessarily mean she needs you to fix it. This has always been a difficult thing for me to do. Sometimes instead of having a problem fixed, women just want someone to listen to them so they can talk it out and work it out in their own minds and hearts. She might ask for suggestions or thoughts, but sometimes what she really wants is just a sounding board.

3. Show Respect and Withhold Judgement

Most likely (HOPEFULLY!) you respected your wife’s intelligence and capabilities when you married her. You should continue to do that. Women want to feel respected and cherished. They want to feel safe. If your wife makes a suggestion that you disagree with or find unreasonable, try asking her what she means, and do it in as kind a tone as possible. You might find that behind her unreasonable suggestion is a little nugget of wisdom that you did not recognize.

4. Know When to Make it About You

Every marriage should be built on the premise of making it about your spouse first. There are times, however, when an individual’s needs must be met before they can be capable of helping others. If you are really upset about something, don’t just bury it under manly silence. Tell her about it and ask for her help. Most wives will be more than glad to listen and care about you. You are not less of a man if you need help with a problem every once in a while, or if you just need to blow off a little steam. Indeed, I would say that most wives appreciate it a great deal when their husbands really open up to them about what’s troubling them.

5. Word Hard and Work Smart

Women are attracted to men who are able providers, protectors, and nurturers. They want a man who can and will be an able partner in life. It is fulfilling for a man to work hard and succeed at whatever he does. if the job requires more time than originally estimated, if it’s more strenuous than originally thought, a Good Husband will gird up his loins and redouble his efforts. Of course, working long and difficult hours when you don’t have to is less than effective. Think about what you’re doing and whether it’s actually worth it. Is there a better way to get it done? Can it be more efficient? Good Husbands use their intellect as well as their brawn.

6. Be A Leader

Do you have something you believe in? Do you hold to your convictions no matter what? If so, these are admirable traits in a man. I’m not talking about being obstinate or obtuse, I mean standing up for what’s right and convincing others to do the same. There is a whole industry built around learning how to lead, but let me just say this: if more men would take the time to help those who need a little direction, the world would be a better place.

7. Be Affectionate

Admit it. You like cuddling just a little bit. No? Fake it. Women need to feel loved and cared about. Give her a little pat when you walk by, compliment her when she’s doing some task, give her a kiss before you walk out the door. If you don’t know what kind of affection makes your wife happy, then I suggest you read The Five Love Languages. That book will show you how to find out what each of you needs in a relationship to communicate love and affection.

8. Care About Her Well Being

Not all of you will have to live with having a spouse who is chronically ill, but you will have to deal with illness, injury, and emotional distress. You should care about how your wife is feeling. She is delicate and sensitive. She needs to be cared for and it is your responsibility to do so. In addition to general health concerns, women feel better when they are allowed to be beautiful. Pamper her. I remember when I first got married and found out how much makeup and hair products cost. I almost went through the roof, but then I realized that it makes my wife happy, which in turn makes me happy.

9. Be Generous and Fair

I take care of the family finances in our household and I always make sure that my wife has some money. Whoever takes care of the money in your house, make sure that your wife is cared for and not deprived. Buy her treats and presents. Be liberal with your household budget and trust that she will be careful with the hard earned money. It’s amazing what a woman can do with a home when she is allowed free reign with decorating and arranging.

10. Think Like a Team

However you have worked out your roles within the household, whether one works and one stays home with the kids, or both work, you are a team working towards a common goal. Do you have goals? My wife and I sit down each Sunday afternoon and have family counsel. We talk about our plans for the week, how we can help each other, any business that needs to be discussed, and then we share at least 3 three things we like about each other. It usually takes about 30 minutes but it’s an integral part of our marriage.

Do you have any other suggestions?