Today I found out that a friend of mine is getting a divorce.  I haven’t known him very long, but he’s an exceptionally likable person and very, very intelligent.  He also has children that he loves very much and as long as I’ve known him he has always expressed how much he loves them and how fun they are.  As far as I knew, his marriage was good.

Apparently I was wrong.

When my wife and I got married, we had neighbors across the hall that were married a week after we were.  We were both young couples, still in college, and under a lot of stress.  They started fighting almost immediately and ended up divorced after just a couple of months.

The thing that I found disturbing about these divorces is how insecure they make me.  Seeing other people’s marriages dissolve causes me to realize how fragile relationships really are.

So then I have to ask myself.  How can I make this experience a positive one?  What can I learn in order to improve my own marriage and keep it from ending?

Never Assume.  “If tomorrow never comes, will she know how much I loved her?”  These lyrics to the Garth Brooks song always make me wonder if I’ve done enough.  I think it’s good if I feel secure in my relationship, but I shouldn’t allow myself to become complacent.  Never assume that just because you are happy that she is too.

Talk with Her. When my wife and I were married, we were told over and over again that communication was the key to a strong and happy marriage.  If I’m feeling bad that friends are getting divorced, then I should talk with her about our own relationship and how we are doing.  Find out what her feelings are.  What is she happy with?  What would she like to see change?

Renew My Commitment. When I married my wife, I made a commitment that it would be for ever.  When I hear about someone I know getting a divorce, it makes me want to renew my dedication to my own marriage.  It’s a matter of pride to me that we’ve been able to stay married, and stay happy, for the last 6+ years.

Be Grateful. I’m exceptionally grateful that my wife still loves me.  I’m grateful that she still calls me her best friend, and I’m grateful that we can still make each other laugh and that we always come to each other first whenever something is difficult.

Realize Their Marriage is Not Mine. It’s easy to look at the number of people getting divorced and be discouraged.  In all reality, it doesn’t matter what happens to other people’s relationships if I am taking care of my own.  Even though it makes me feel insecure, in the end it comes down to what we do with our own relationship, not what others do.

The one year anniversary of A Good Husband came and went without much fanfare (first post here).  This has been a modest project by any measurement, but I am glad that it has been met with well wishes by so many of you.  For the next few days, until after the New Year, I want to share with you some of the best posts from the last year.

Divorce is Too Easy was a post that I wrote when I was feeling very passionate.  Many marriage advice forums around the internet are full of people who seem to think divorce is the right alternative far too often.  Marriage is sacred and should be treated as such.  Difficulties in marriage are opportunities for growth.  Here’s the post.

On a relationship forum that I participate in regularly, there seems to be a great deal of “divorce him” talk going on.

People visit these relationship forums because they are looking for advice and help. While I don’t expect online forums to deliver professional advice, I would expect people to give advice that isn’t damaging. People come to these forums and ask for help with difficult situations of all sorts. Many of them are beyond my scope to help with, but the people in these forums were quick to suggest divorce, among other options.

Divorce is an ugly thing. We all know that. The national divorce statistics hover (in many cases have dropped below) right around 40%. Divorce has some serious negative side effects for those involved including a lowered life expectancy for men, a lower financial standard of living for women (and their children by extension) caused by the gender gap in wages, and children suffer from a loss of interpersonal skills and a lack of correct interpersonal relationship modeling.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that while there are a few good reasons for divorce, like abuse or infidelity, suggesting divorce as an initial option is hardly conducive to helping. If there were ever a case for two people who could have felt justified in getting a divorce without using the excuse of abuse or infidelity, it was my wife and I.

Our first year was pretty darn rough. We both made pretty much every relationship mistake that you can make, plus we were really young, both in college, my wife was very sick, and we had no money.

We sought out advice. We were counseled to communicate better. We tried several different discussion formats. Some worked, some didn’t. I had to learn how to share my feelings. She had to learn that not every part of the relationship has to be perfect. We were told to lower our expectations. We were told “that’s just how it is” and that we’d better get used to it.

Despite all of the well meaning advice we were given, I know that the thing that kept us together and made us want to keep trying was not only did we love each other, but we recognized that marriage is a covenant. We had made a promise before God and each other that we would stay together forever. We endured a year of unhappiness, and a second year of uneasy discomfort, before we started to really figure marriage out.

Our marriage isn’t perfect now. We’ve been married about five and a half years and we still have the occasional disagreement. Feelings still get hurt, but we’ve figured out how to handle it. We could have gotten divorced but now we’re glad we didn’t. We both feel it was worth it to work through the hurt. Our greatest joy is each other, and I believe that it will stay that way for the rest of our lives because we are both willing to work at it rather than take the easy way out.

Deborah Shank was hit by a truck. At the time, she was an employee of Wal-Mart. Her health insurance covered her hospital and physical therapy bills. This makes sense, she was paying out of each check to have her health insurance. Her medical bills amounted to over $400,000, all covered by her health insurance.

On a relationship forum that I participate in regularly, there seems to be a great deal of “divorce him” talk going on.

People visit these relationship forums because they are looking for advice and help. While I don’t expect online forums to deliver professional advice, I would expect people to give advice that isn’t damaging. People come to these forums and ask for help with difficult situations of all sorts. Many of them are beyond my scope to help with, but the people in these forums were quick to suggest divorce, among other options.

Divorce is an ugly thing. We all know that. The national divorce statistics hover (in many cases have dropped below) right around 40%. Divorce has some serious negative side effects for those involved including a lowered life expectancy for men, a lower financial standard of living for women (and their children by extension) caused by the gender gap in wages, and children suffer from a loss of interpersonal skills and a lack of correct interpersonal relationship modeling.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that while there are a few good reasons for divorce, like abuse or infidelity, suggesting divorce as an initial option is hardly conducive to helping. If there were ever a case for two people who could have felt justified in getting a divorce without using the excuse of abuse or infidelity, it was my wife and I.

Our first year was pretty darn rough. We both made pretty much every relationship mistake that you can make, plus we were really young, both in college, my wife was very sick, and we had no money.

We sought out advice. We were counseled to communicate better. We tried several different discussion formats. Some worked, some didn’t. I had to learn how to share my feelings. She had to learn that not every part of the relationship has to be perfect. We were told to lower our expectations. We were told “that’s just how it is” and that we’d better get used to it.

Despite all of the well meaning advice we were given, I know that the thing that kept us together and made us want to keep trying was not only did we love each other, but we recognized that marriage is a covenant. We had made a promise before God and each other that we would stay together forever. We endured a year of unhappiness, and a second year of uneasy discomfort, before we started to really figure marriage out.

Our marriage isn’t perfect now. We’ve been married about five and a half years and we still have the occasional disagreement. Feelings still get hurt, but we’ve figured out how to handle it. We could have gotten divorced but now we’re glad we didn’t. We both feel it was worth it to work through the hurt. Our greatest joy is each other, and I believe that it will stay that way for the rest of our lives because we are both willing to work at it rather than take the easy way out.

I was watching So You Think You Can Dance last night. I’m a big fan of the show. My favorite from the last three weeks of auditions, Robert Muraine, just quit. I’m totally shocked. Before you read any further, you need to have an understanding of this man’s level of talent.

He’s a popper, a hip hop dancer who with major contortion skills and unbelievable showmanship. Nigel, the producer for the show, actually said that Robert was his favorite dancer of the year.

Robert, however, has never done choreography before. He’s a freestyle street performer. After sitting through the first round of choreography, before performing for the judges, he started telling the other contestants that he was going to quit. The judges heard about it and invited him on stage to perform a solo for the other judges, to encourage him. He performed and the other judges were blown away. Mia Michaels told him that he had a duty to the talent and gift that he had been given - that if he quit he would be s*****ng on his talent. They practically begged him not to quit.

But he walked away.

It’s not too much of a stretch for me to relate this to marriage.

I remember early in my marriage when my wife and I were having problems. I’ve talked about it before - even though it’s heart-breakingly painful, divorce is too easy.

Men, if you are considering giving up on your marriage, don’t do it. Your wife loves you, she believes in you, even if it’s just deep down. If your wife is still asking you stay, still trying to work it out with you, then you owe it to her and yourself to not quit.

Five years from now, when you look back on this moment, will you honestly be able to say that you gave it your best shot and went down pouring out your heart and soul? Did you wait for her final vote before you walked away?

Robert Muraine, wherever you are now, I hope that you find the courage to come back and try again.

Related Posts:
Divorce is Too Easy
Would You Divorce Your Wife for Her Health?
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