A Good Husband
Marriage Advice From A Man
Father Son Relationships and Marriage
Author: Cory H.27 Aug
I was born a bastard. I used to hate it when my friend Jeremy would call me that. He did it as a joke because he knew that I never knew my biological father. He and my mother weren’t married when I was conceived, and he took off when he found out my teenage mother was pregnant.
My mother’s string of bad boyfriends ended, when I was nine, in a marriage to a carnie – you know, the guys who work at the traveling carnivals, running those whirly rides and conning kids into throwing their money away. He was a piece of work as well. For nine years I shared a house with a man who mocked and derided my mother and I, drank himself to sleep at nights, and modeled abusive behavior. I spent nights listening to them fight with each other, hearing him hitting her, and understanding that this was marriage.
People are often surprised when they hear about my background. They often think that because I am now Mormon that I must come from a perfect Mormon background. You know, perfect parents who read the Bible daily, serve in the local PTA, and are fine upstanding citizens. Not quite.
People often ask me how I got out alive. What enabled me to break out of my family cycle? Here’s what I did.
Service.
The first thing that got me started on the path of the abuse cycle was service. I was blessed with the opportunity to do some community service work as a high schooler. From that I was presented with the opportunity to become a two year volunteer missionary with the Chinese community in Vancouver, British Columbia. The two years of service allowed me to see the world from a different perspective, get outside myself and away from my situation.
New Role Models.
One of the other great things that came from my missionary service was the opportunity to work with men who modeled good marriage behavior. The man who led the group of missionaries I was with was a kind, gentle, and financially wealthy man who treated his wife as if she were gold. It was a revelation to me. I had never seen men behave that way before, except in old movies. I had always thought that gentlemanly behavior was something of an anachronism that didn’t belong in our times. I learned what a good husband could be like.
Education.
A well rounded education gave me the tools that I needed to become more self aware. When I read the classic writings of the world’s great authors I started to get an understanding of my place in the human race and the history of the world. I can see how my behavior compares to the behavior of the great men of the world.
Escape from Poverty.
George Bernard Shaw said that the greatest sin in the world is poverty. While that may or may not actually be true, poverty is at the root of many social ills. Poverty is the primary cause for a lack of education. Poor people tend to be obese, more violent, and less open to change. I’m still experiencing my own emergence from poverty, but knowing that I have a good job that will provide for myself and my wife has allowed me to change the way that feel about situations that I am confronted with. There is less stress about where rent money is going to come from, a more relaxed attitude about bills in general, and a willingness on my part to give to others.
Prayer.
Last on my list, but certainly not least, communing with the divine has given me a sense of purpose in my life, as well as a direction to go. Prayer has not solved every problem I’ve had, but it has certainly given me the tools to get up and work at solving my own problems.
I still struggle with my childhood. There’s a lot of insecurity inside of me when it comes to marriage. I still have nightmares about being like my stepfather, and I still wish that I could have known my biological father. Sometimes I act a certain way towards my wife and I wonder what could have triggered it – then I remember my stepfather acting that way. Luckily for me, I have an infinitely patient wife who stands by me through all of these struggles.
Being born an illegitimate child may have formed the framework for how my life would go, but it certainly did not set that framework in stone. Anyone who wants to can change themselves. Anyone can move beyond selfishness and serve others. Anyone can recognize the good in others and try to emulate it. Anyone can pull themselves up out of poverty, get an education, and learn to rely on the merits of prayer. Not only can you, but you must. If you want to improve your marriage and your life.
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Mahatma Ghandi.
Announcing HusbandsandDads.com
Author: Cory H.18 Aug
I’m taking a break from Monday Morning Amour today to let you all know that the new project that I’ve been hinting at for the past month or so is finally up and running.
In collaboration with Jeremy from DiscoveringDad.net, I’d like to announce the launch of the new site, HusbandsandDads.com. Our tagline is “Where It’s Cool To Be A Family Man.”
Husbands and Dads was conceived during a conversation between Jeremy and I when we realized the needs a place that can be a go-to resource for men who want to be a better husband and father.
You’ll find HusbandsandDads.com to be a little bit different than the standard “Daddy Blog.” The focus of HusbandsandDads is on providing well researched, thorough articles with little editorializing. You’ll find articles on things like paternity leave, what wives want in a vacation, and getting your kids a head start on college savings.
The main difference between A Good Husband and Husbands and Dads? I get to write about more stuff than just being a husband, and do it in a more focused way. This site, AGoodHusband, will continue to function as a community and a “my opinion on marriage” type of site.
On HusbandsandDads, you will also find some of those things that have made AGoodHusband and DiscoveringDad so popular, like a thoroughly accessible and close knit community that you can join and help grow.
For the first time, there’s a stunningly dynamic forum for men to discuss nearly any issue. There you’ll find not only Jeremy and myself, but some of the top Daddy bloggers and experts on men’s issues. There’s also a fully integrated comment and rating system for the articles so that you can tell us which articles are most useful.
In addition to the forums and comment systems, there’s a rather unique chat feature built into the site at the bottom of each article that allows you have instant conversations with anyone else who is using the site. It’s still experimental, so check it out and let us know what you think.
So, now that I’ve let you all know about the site, please pop over and look around, subscribe to the feed, share the site with your friends and family, and let me know what you think!
What Women Think of Daddy Blogging - MamaNuggle
Author: Cory H.5 Aug
This is a guest post from Lori at MamaNuggle.
What it’s it like to be married to a dad blogger?
Well, a few thoughts and words come to mind immediately:
Cool. Awesome. Pride. Strange. Intrusive. Jealous - like your husband has a not-so-secret mistress.
Unless you’re a blogger yourself, you really don’t “get” it.
Unless you’re a blogger or a writer by trade, you don’t understand your spouse’s ability to recount daily activities in a humorous and poignant light. The need to connect with “virtual strangers” and allow them
back-stage access to all areas of your mundane existence. The compulsion to post. The desire to sacrifice necessities like food and sleep just so you can finish your next post.
I certainly didn’t “get” it.
That is, until I became a blogger myself a few weeks ago.
Let me back up just a bit:
Jeremy’s blog evolved from a personal journal he began to keep when our son Ty was born in 2006. Called Daddy’s Diary, the journal chronicled Ty’s first 100 days with us.The Diary was a first hand glimpse into the way my husband really felt about being a spouse and dad for the second time around. I say “second time” but that is not entirely accurate.
Yes, Jeremy was married before. While unfortunately the relationship didn’t last, it was fortunate for me that he did take away some excellent life lessons and a true gift from his prior marriage - that of being a father.
You see, Ty really isn’t Jeremy’s second child. Jeremy had become a father twice before, in his prior marriage. Heartbreakingly, his first daughter passed away at 6 weeks from a congenital heart defect. His second daughter Chani was 12 when our son Ty was born.
With so much time elapsed between Chani and Ty’s births, Jeremy was in a much different place in his life by the time Ty arrived. He was no longer a fast-paced executive at a record label who traveled numerous weeks out of the year, touring with clients. Nope, he was now prepping to be a SAHD (Stay At Home Dad) with his own home-based inspection business.He was older, wiser, and I’d like to think happier with his life. Most impressively, by choice, Jeremy was determined to not miss out on our son’s formative years as he had with
Chani.
A journalist at heart, Jeremy was gifted at crafting stories, expressing thoughts and emotions, and capturing snippets of life by vividly recounting them for posterity. Thus, the idea of Daddy’s Diary was born. What better gift to give your child than an introspective, heart-rending, honest, funny tale of their first few days on earth?
Daddy’s Diary has never been read by anyone outside our close-knit family. But the content was so rich, I kept telling Jeremy it should be turned into a book. Or shared with others. Jeremy liked the certain aspects of idea of sharing the Diary, but didn’t want to ship it off to a publisher. Though the Diary was a rough draft at best, the driving force behind it led to the emergence of Jeremy’s popular blog Discovering Dad.
In essence, blogging became a way of “testing the waters” to see if he could connect with others in similar situations. To see if there were other fathers and husbands out there that were so enthralled with their roles
that they felt compelled to share their experiences. To get and give advice. To provide a sounding board for thoughts. To open up dialogue between husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, kids and parents, all
across the globe.
And boy, did it ever!
Fueled by Jeremy’s passion, Discovering Dad became a public record of our lives together. It chronicles the ups and downs of being a parent. It showcases the lives of other involved fathers. It helps to shatter the
popular stereotypical misconception (perpetuated by the media) that most dads aren’t or don’t want to be deeply involved in their kids lives. It serves as a sounding board for hot button issues, driven by content,
questions, responses, and comments from other bloggers. (Remember the “What Moms really think about…Porn!” series? Need I say more?)
I’ll admit, at times, it seems weird to me that someone on a Powerbook in Toronto knows what my husband and I think about porn. Or my post-baby body. Or our compulsive cleaning habits. Or the fact that our TV is always tuned to kids’ shows like Pingu or Little Einsteins. .
It’s a little like living in a fishbowl. It strikes me as both flattering and odd that people I’ve never met face to face followed our pregnancy journey this year. The blogosphere celebrated our daughter Caitlin’s joyous
yet premature arrival into the world with us. It was comforting to know the on-line community was faithfully praying for our family, for a miracle to happen, as Caitlin battled a life-threatening infection. The support that
other bloggers gave us during those 23 nerve-wracking, heart-stopping days meant more than Jeremy or I can ever possibly convey.
Is there a trade off for “putting it all out there”? Sure there is. It means that - like reality TV - the good, the bad, and the ugly may find its way to the pages of the internet, for all the world to observe, if they so choose.
But perhaps most importantly, Jeremy’s blog is his way of expressing and sharing those millions of random moments that, pieced together, form the foundation of our life together. As spouses. As parents, As lovers. As best friends. Blogging provides a positive outlet for his thoughts, and serves as a time capsule of the otherwise soon-to-be-forgotten moments. It gives Jeremy a sense of purpose and satisfaction. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
10 comments:
Man Blogging Going Mainstream
Author: Cory H.13 Jun
Check out the ABC News article on how Dads, Husbands, and men in general are blogging, chatting, and social networking their way to better relationships.
Just like to point out that I wrote about this very thing two months ago, so I sort’ve scooped ABC News.
Sort of.
Have a happy Friday everyone, and you should check out the conversation on this article on Twitter.com
As a man, blogging has allowed me to not just chronicle the events of my recent life, but it has also helped me think through and communicate my feelings in a way that makes me a stronger and better father/husband/friend/son.
I’ve really just gotten started “daddy-blogging” per say, and as I read the other dad’s out there it helps to know that I’m not alone in these feelings. This isn’t the sort of stuff you just share with your buds while playing ball or watching a movie, but it’s inside of us and has to come out somewhere.
Thanks MammaNuggle for sharing this and to all the wives and families who support their Daddy Blogger.
This series makes me feel good, and I didn’t have to do any writing!
LMAO, no kidding. This is a wonderful post.
She’s fairly supportive…probably more than she tells me, but I have to use the PC pretty sparingly at home.
My husband doesn’t quite “get it” either, but he is supportive of my writing (as long as I don’t name names…in posts that have something to do with in-laws/family stuff).
My hubby has said for years that I should write a book about my life, but my life is already splattered all over my posts, just written in more general terms for visitors, readers and family members.