Sometimes another person has an idea so good that you just have to evangelize it a little bit.  Corey from the Simple Marriage Project wrote two great posts (links at the bottom of this post) recently about where Lifestyle Design and Marriage intersect.

For those of you unfamiliar with the buzzword Lifestyle Design, it’s a term popularized by Tim Ferriss’ best selling book, The Four Hour Work Week.  The term denotes taking control of your life and living deliberately.  Not in some vague, new age, hippy, indefinable way, but instead taking concrete steps (little ones) each day to work towards a definable, measurable goal.

Much has been written on goals, and I am a goal setter myself, but what amuses me is hearing so many young men (and women) talking about wanting to hit certain goals before they get married.  A person might want to pay off their student loans, travel the world, have adventures, live a little…all before they get married.

This attitude is lacking one fundamental concept: the real adventures in life begin after you get married.  How many people have you heard talk about how much they grew, how much they changed, how much of a better person their spouse made them?  The real adventures in life are the adventures of the soul, the travels and travails of parenthood, and making that journey with the one you are formally devoted to.  There’s something about that formal commitment that joins two people together in a way that is unable to be imitated, and no other form of cooperation can compare to a focused married couple acting as one.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating everyone go out and get married as early as possible.  I was married at 21 and that was a little bit tough.  You know what, though?  It was worth every moment of it.  I would do it again.

It took us a couple of years, but my wife and I discovered a way to help make sure that we were always on the same page.  I’ve talked about it here before, and I’m going to take you all on the journey again, starting with my next post.  What is it?  I’ll give you a hint: it has to do with Lifestyle Design.

In the meantime, check out Corey’s posts LifeStyle Design for Married People and Passionate Life to A More Passionate Marriage

Today’s topic has little to do, at least little directly, with being a husband.  Humor me.

I grew up poor. Not the shoe-less, living in a mud hut, everyone-else-is-poor-because-that’s-our-culture kind of poverty, but the good ol’ American kind of poverty. You know, the one where you live in a trailer park with the fleas and roaches, eat tuna and gravy over Wonder Bread, and Jeff Foxworthy makes jokes about you that hit a little too close to home.

Surely the devastation of poverty in the Phillipines, the AIDS orphans in Kenya, and the malnourished of Ethiopia are pitiable situations. Surely we should do all we can to alleviate these situations.

My personal issue with poverty, however, is one that is often overlooked, I think. We pay a lot of attention, in the USA, to those who are homeless. What about those who are nearly homeless? We like to make jokes about rednecks, white trash, trailer trash, but do we understand how destructive that culture can be? Neil Labute’s play The Distance from Here illustrates in brutal fashion the tough world that kids who grow up in these neighborhoods have to endure. Lack of opportunity, lack of education, and lack of parents with the skills to help their children rise above creates a giant black hole in the rural sections of our suburbs that sucks life, happiness, and health out of the neighborhood.

It’s fashionable to blame these people for their own inability to get it together. It’s the USA, they have every opportunity, right? Perhaps they do, but how can they take advantage of that opportunity if they don’t know where to turn? George Bernard Shaw is famous for saying that the greatest sin in the world is poverty. His play Arms and the Man carries the conflicting message between building big business and using that business to help the poor. Do we carry on as usual with our businesses the way that they have always operated, or do we use the abundance generated from our success to succor those in need?

I was lucky. Even though I grew up in a white trash neighborhood, trailer park and everything. I was given, not a handout, but a hand up. When I was 19 years old I had the opportunity to serve as a full time missionary for two years with the Chinese people of Vancouver, BC. It never would have been possible for me to do that if a kind soul had not decided to fund that trip for me. I still have no idea who it was, but I’m eternally grateful.

I learned things on my mission that helped me overcome the poverty I grew up in. I learned hard work, thrift, balancing a checkbook, serving others, and networking. Those skills have continued to serve me well and I can say that I am well out of the poverty mindset that I grew up in as a child.

Since it’s Blog Action Day I feel as though some sort of call to action is needed. My only call to action is this: what can you do to help someone around you step out of poverty? You may or may not choose to help those in third world countries, but can you reach across town, across the neighborhood, or even across the street?

This will be my view later this afternoon.  I had a great birthday, it was tons of fun.  Saturday morning I woke up, however, to a painful mouth.  Thanks to my wonderful dental insurance, I couldn’t get in until today.  Yee-haw!

A few of you haven’t been around since the last time I posted the rules of Monday Morning Amour:

1. Decide what romantic thing you’re going to do for your spouse this week. Could be anything. From as simple as giving a foot rub to planning a romantic date, to planning a romantic vacation, the idea is for you to do something.

2. Let us know what you’re going to plan by leaving a comment below. If you want it to be a surprise, then just give a general idea (I’m planning a date), or, if it will help you get rolling, leave as much detail as you want to.

3. Let us know what will motivate you to make sure it happens. Plan a reward for yourself, or plan consequences if you fail, but make sure that it happens! My goal as A Good Husband is to help inspire all the guys out there to go the extra mile, and, even more so, to make sure that I go the extra mile. I want my wife to know that she is incredibly special, and this is a great way for me to do that.

My dear wife really went the extra mile with me this weekend.  She helped my party run smoothly, took care of me, and made some delicious squash soup.  She deserves something special.

Unfortunately, I’ll probably be out of it for the next day or two.  I think flowers are in order, what do you think?  If I don’t do something nice for her…I’ll blame it on my raging toothache.

Today is my 28th birthday.  I’m still a kid.  It’s amazing to me that anyone listens to me at all, to be perfectly honest.

What do husbands want for their birthdays?  I can think of a few things that most guys probably want;

whatever kind of food that’s bad for him & doesn’t usually get to eat, a happy wife, happy kids, a little party, some cake & ice cream, a power tool of some sort, a call from his mother, a day off from chores, a day off of work, co-workers who care, little happy birthday surprises that he would never ask for, a flat screen tv, a dremmel tool, cookies, a drill press, a hug from his kids, those little hand made cards that kids make with macaroni and elmer’s glue…

A little appreciation.  We’re not terribly hard to please.  Even though we don’t ask for it, we all just need a little appreciation.  Thanks, ladies.

Oh, and for those of you who want to wish me a happy birthday, go for it - but if you could do one more thing, it would be greaty appreciated.  Notice the picture of Dick Van Dyke on the right?  It’s there because of the HusbandsandDads.com traffic referral contest.  Do me a favor and click on over, read about the contest, and participate, if you have a website.  We’re giving away free stuff…

So yesterday my post on what men think makes a good husband hit the front page of StumbleUpon. For those of you who don’t know, StumbleUpon is another one of those sites that allows you share your favorite websites with your friends, vote the site up in popularity, and can potentially send a ton of traffic your way. AGoodHusband has always done well on StumbleUpon, so if you like this site, you might want to give us a thumbs up. Find the little icon at the bottom of this post that says “share this” and click on it.

On Monday I told you how I was going to drink a lot of water in support of the doctor’s directive given to my wife. So far it’s been a little bit of an adjustment. 3 gallons is a lot of water.

Monday = 7 Liters (1.85 gallons)

Tuesday = 5 Liters (1.32 gallons)

Wednesday = 4 Liters (1.06 gallons)

As one might surmise, drinking a ton of water is a little bit challenging. I have found, however, that drinking room temperature water is easier than cold water, soup counts, and eating salt makes you thirsty. Wifey has done a little better than me, but still not regularly at 2 gallons. We’re working our way up, we say.

Oh, and tomorrow is my birthday. Yay.

Query: What was the best birthday present your wife ever got you?

It recently came to my attention that a post that I wrote some time ago about how men are killing chivalry gained a little bit of attention.  Seems that the debate around chivalry is still alive and well.

it’s well known at this point that men are in a state of uncertainty when it comes to knowing what their role is in modern society.  With all of the success of modern feminism, women have made great strides in the areas of work and home equality.  Those achievements, however grand and beneficial, have created a great big question mark in the minds of modern men.  If women can do everything a man can do, then what should men be doing?

The discussion has not yet played itself out.  While the perception of men in the media is certainly changing, it has taken on a negative spin that many individuals and organizations have begun to protest.  Every day men are questioning everything from what kind of work they should be doing, to should they be stay at home dads, to how they should dress, to should they open the door for ladies at the mall?

The discussion isn’t going away.  I propose bringing it out in the open.  I propose the first Chivalry Blog Carnival.

The Chivalry Blog Carnival will last just 8 weeks, beginning October 21st and running through Dec 16th.  The deadline to submit articles for consideration is the Saturday before the carnival you wish to submit for.

What kind of articles should be submitted for the Chivalry Blog Carnival?

Some ideas include, but are not limited to:  the history of chivalry, history of knighthoods, how chivalry is played out in modern times, in-depth analysis of current knightly orders, a run down of the Society for Creative Anachronism, is chivalry dead, how men can incorporate the ideals of knighthood into their daily lives.

Who should submit to the Chivalry Blog Carnival?

Anyone who has a website and writes anything about chivalry.  We’re looking for a diverse view, from experts on medieval history, to modern day ladies in waiting.  We want to hear from you: is chivalry really dead?

I’ll have a badge for the carnival up soon.  Let me know if you have any additional questions.

How do I submit for the Chivalry Blog Carnival?

You can email posts to coryhuff at gmail.com.  NOTE: You must make the subject line Chivalry Blog Carnival or I probably won’t see it.  You can also use this handy submission form.

The old adage about drinking eight glasses of water that are eight ounces each is somewhat true. It varies person to person, depending on health and activity level.

Apparently the appropriate amount of water for my wife’s health is three gallons per day!

Long time readers have read about my wife’s chronic health condition before.  Over the last year, we had done quite a bit of searching and discovered some new research that could help her.  Over the past couple of months, my wife has been visiting with the doctor, having tests run, and hoping that this new treatment could help her.  Last week we went to the doctor with high hopes that he was going to tell us that she’s ready for this new treatment and that it would work.

We were severely disappointed.  It turns out that a pacemaker will not help someone with the type of heart condition that my wife has.

The doctor’s recommendation?  Nothing is going to make it go away, but we can mitigate the symptoms.  How do we mitigate my wife’s low blood pressure?  Eat salt.  Lots of salt.  Ridiculous amounts of salt.  Salt tablets, chips, and hard cheeses.  Then drink a heck of a lot of water.

So, here we are, Monday morning of the following week and my wife has asked me to join with her in drinking excessive amounts of water.  Three gallons a day.  We’re working our way up to it.  Today I’m going for 2 gallons.

1 Gallon = 3.78 Liters.  That means I’m going to drink seven and a half water bottles by the time I go to bed tonight.

Want to join me?

Thanks to CafePress

This has little to nothing to do with being A Good Husband, but I was talking with a few people yesterday on Twitter and they mentioned my editing of Jenny the Bloggess’ swearing on her answers to my questions about what makes A Good Husband. Jenny even felt a little bad about being edited.

Jenny, allow me to explain.

If you’ve ever spent any time in Utah, there is a very amusing culture of swearing without swearing. What do I mean? I think many of you know - you stub your down, and say “Fetch,” instead of … well, any other word that begins with F.

Mormons are experts at this kind of language manipulation. We don’t swear, so we have to find some other inventive way of expressing intense emotional anxiety.

I started digging into my memory of growing up as a teenager in a Utah high school and remembering what my peers used to say.

Got Down Sat On A Bench. Son of A Bishop. Oh My Heck. Aw Heck.

Okay, so those are the ones that I used to be guilty of saying. Oh, then there’s the one that I still use all the time:

I started asking my friends on Twitter which Mormon swears they remember, they came up with some good ones (no, they’re not all Mormon - you Gossip-Mo’s just stay away):

@LeislB jimminy christmas, holy shinola, frizz, sunny beaches, fudge … my favorite “Oh, my biggest freakin’ heck!”

@deguia The best “swearing” is from kids entertainment. Thomas the Train: “Cinders and Ashes!” SpongeBob: “Barnacles!”

@granata Hacking, Son of a Biscuit Eater, Son of a Mother, Holy Shinto, shiggles (s**ts and giggles). Reminds me of A Christmas Story.

@circa1978 My wife uses “Oh flip flap”. Some more of my favs: “What the frick”, “frackin’”, “What the doodle”, “oh, stink”, “oh suck” …

@BackpackingDad “Moroni’s Trumpet!” I just made that one up :} (worth honorable mention, just for the “what the…” factor)

So, you see, Ms. Bloggess, when you grow up in this kind of culture, you kinda can’t help ya’self. I’m not apologizing for the censoring per se, merely justifying. I hope you won’t be too upset.

Now back to your regularly scheduled constructive marriage advice blogging. Oh, if I missed any (which I know I did) you might as well comment so that the collection is complete.

Image courtesy of sweepdaleg.wordpress.com

Over the last few days I have been watching the news intently.  I have had a keen interest in the financial situation and whether or not Congress would approve the proposed bailout plan.  With the failure of the bailout plan yesterday, there is a great deal of uncertainty in the market, and many people are wondering where to go.

I was discussing it with my wife last night and over the weekend.  She expressed some concern over the market and wondering what it means for our lives.  I have many of the same concerns.  I told her it would be okay.  I wondered to myself, however, if it really would be.

Without taking away from stay at home mothers, single mothers, or any other family situation I laud those men who are sole providers for their families.  It’s not easy.  There’s a great deal of career pressure when you are the provider.  It’s times like these that test men and force them to stand up and be accounted for.  Many men are wondering:

How will I lead my family in times of uncertainty?

How can I reassure my wife that things will be fine?

Will I still have my job a year from now, and if not, how will I provide for my family?

What will I teach my children about the economy, about money and credit?  Do I understand it myself?

Hats off to those men who tackle these questions head on without burying their head in the sand.  Hats off to those men who reach out to help not only their own families, but those around them as well.

Men, what do you think?  How do you answer these questions?  What other questions do you have in this time of uncertainty?

January 26, 1925 – September 26, 2008

Paul Newman was an actor, philanthropist and race car driver.  He won dozens of awards for his acting, including an Oscar and three Golden Globes.  He also won awards for racing, and for his humanitarian work.

My favorite role that Newman played was in Cat On A Hot Tin Roof with Elizabeth Taylor.  Striking a scarily close image of Marlon Brando, Newman was absolutely heart-rending in the Tennessee Williams play turned movie.

Although I am an actor and I admired and emulated Newman’s work, the thing that I most admire about the man is how he made his marriage work.  After his first marriage, he married Joanne Woodward in 1958 and they stayed married for fifty years.  Famous for his quip about infidelity, “Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?” Newman was a family man through and through.  He lived with his family in Connecticut, far away from the busy life of Hollywood.

If there is a way that I could choose to be remembered it would in part be like this line from his official obituary:

A week ago Paul sat with his daughter in the arbor of the garden, breathed in all the late summer beauty, and said very quietly, “It’s been a privilege to be here.”

Newman’s five children remembered him as being a wonderful father.

The other way that I would want to be remembered is this, also from his obituary:

On hearing of Paul’s death, a friend said, “Now cracks a noble heart,” but knew that Paul would have laughed at that. The same friend wrote: “No one in his audience was ever privy to the tenderness and pride Paul had for Joanne and her talent. Watching him on the set watching her, from his seat by the camera, was to see a man transformed: his brave face taken all unawares, his lips parted in amazement, his eyes brimming with tears that never fell. It was a brief window into a man in perpetual love.”

Truly, Paul Newman was A Good Husband.  We’ll miss him.