While looking around the internet I have found several different places to get relationship advice. If you type in “relationship advice” in Google, you get a bunch of top 10 lists and other basically useless information.

Doing a little bit more digging, however, can be rewarding. Searching for “relationship forums” yields a few interesting results.

Looking for blogs about relationships can be a bit scary. Even discounting the porn, there’s a lot of material that is questionable. I found several sites that claim to be promoting strong males, masculine males, and that they will help men get the girls that they want to…well, the girls they want to be with.

The thing that is so disappointing to me is how shallow so much of it is. I think there’s a certain tendency by some men to focus on the short term gain - the sex. Here at A Good Husband, men discuss the art of building long term relationships.

I don’t think that you can talk about building a long term relationship while at the same time being someone who wants to know how to, as one website put it, “find women for casual sex” or “friends with benefits.” I think they’re mutually exclusive.

There’s a faulty men’s movement out there that says that if men act more strong, more like the leaders that we were meant to be, then women will fall all over themselves in the rush to get to us. While it’s true that men should be okay with being men, with being strong, decisive leaders, it is also true that women want more than just strength. Women want men who care about them. This contemporary men’s movement is incredibly selfish. The movement is all about what the man wants. Women want a man who actually cares about them.

Put her needs first. Talk to her. Repeat what she’s saying and ask questions so that she knows you understand. I didn’t know these things at first, but they’re not that hard to learn.

Of course, if you’re the kind of man who only wants sex I’m not calling you a bad person. I’m saying that perhaps you’re not understanding what a real relationship brings. Besides having a partner you can lean on when times get tough, spend time with (and play Guitar Hero with), and who is a tireless cheerleader for you, the sex with someone you’re married to has a greater potential to be amazing.

Sure, it’s fun to be an alpha male. It’s fun to be the guy in charge. It’s actually fulfilling to at the same time be A Good Husband.

Women are looking for ways to help their husbands play less Xbox. I’ve received a fair amount of traffic to this post from people typing these searches:

It’s not that women want their husbands to stop playing altogether, but that many men are playing far too much. Well, I asked, how much is too much? I began taking informal surveys of women around me, young and old and came up with a few insightful responses.

One woman said that she read once in Ann Landers that anytime an activity takes time away from things that are important to you and you can’t change how much time you’re spending on it, then you’re addicted to it. Pretty good way to sum it up, if you ask me.

Another woman said that it’s not so much that her husband plays Xbox (or other video games) too much, it’s just that he spends more time on video games than he spends on her.

That’s the important point. She’s not concerned about the activity, but about her.

Men, this is what we have to understand. Our wives aren’t the whining nags that we sometimes think they are. They are sweet, beautiful, lovely women who crave attention from the man that they chose to devote the rest of their lives to. You.

Realizing this, I started asking some of my married guy friends about this problem. In typical guy fashion, the conversation wasn’t very long, but informative nonethless.

One male friend mentioned that while Xbox is just a game or a thing to do, it is also a way of escaping. Women for most part are relationship oriented, they deal with their problems by talking about them. Men deal with their problems by holing up in their cave until they have thought it out, or they’ve distracted themselves enough from the problem that it doesn’t seem as large anymore.

One friend even went so far as to say that if he didn’t have video games, his relationship with his wife and children would suffer. Why? Because when he has a long day at work, then comes home and helps with the kids, plays with them, listens to his wife for a while and shows her he cares about her, he needs some time to himself because he hasn’t been able to unwind and release the stress of the day yet. He does that by escaping into another world where he gets to be a hero or at least a superman of some kind.

Every man needs to feel appreciated and heroic. Video games fulfill this need in some strange, small way. Just enough to release the stress that comes from a regular day of slaying dragons.

So then the question that I come to, which I posed before (and still never really answered), is this: how much time is too much time in front of the video game console?

I think different couples have to work it out in different ways, but it’s true that it has to be worked out. The majority of video game players are over age 30. Halo 3 showed that video games can have bigger opening weekends than some movies. These statistics show that video games are quickly becoming a major part of our entertainment choices. Just like any other issue that comes up in a relationship, if it’s important to one spouse, then it should be treated with respect by the other.

Some suggestions for Good Husbands:

• Your wife comes first. If she needs your attention, assume that she respects you enough to ask only when it’s important.
• Talk to your wife about how much you like gaming, why you like it, and how it helps your relationship. Compromise with her on how much time is realistically okay to play.
• Don’t let games take away from family time. Plan your gaming time, your family time, and alone time with your wife, and don’t let one interfere with the other.
• Check in with your wife on occasion while you are playing, just to let her know you love her and care about her. After you’re done, go to her and let her know how much you appreciate her.

Some suggestions for wives:

• Don’t belittle your husband’s love of gaming. Many video games are mature, sophisticated and inspire a great deal of loyalty. Treat it like any other adult hobby. You can’t give a “no video games ever rule.”
• If your husband needs space, let him have it. Men don’t deal with problems the same way women do. Let them get some stress relief and fun. Don’t talk to him while he’s trying to game.
• Try playing a game with him. 38% of video games are played by women, and that percentage is growing as developers figure out ways to attract female players.
• Don’t automatically be available every time your husband is not playing video games. Find things you enjoy doing and schedule them when your husband is playing and you’ll be less stressed about his gaming.

We could use your suggestions. I’m sure I haven’t thought of everything, so I’d love to hear how you sorted it out in your relationships, or how you would sort it out.

I was watching So You Think You Can Dance last night. I’m a big fan of the show. My favorite from the last three weeks of auditions, Robert Muraine, just quit. I’m totally shocked. Before you read any further, you need to have an understanding of this man’s level of talent.

He’s a popper, a hip hop dancer who with major contortion skills and unbelievable showmanship. Nigel, the producer for the show, actually said that Robert was his favorite dancer of the year.

Robert, however, has never done choreography before. He’s a freestyle street performer. After sitting through the first round of choreography, before performing for the judges, he started telling the other contestants that he was going to quit. The judges heard about it and invited him on stage to perform a solo for the other judges, to encourage him. He performed and the other judges were blown away. Mia Michaels told him that he had a duty to the talent and gift that he had been given - that if he quit he would be s*****ng on his talent. They practically begged him not to quit.

But he walked away.

It’s not too much of a stretch for me to relate this to marriage.

I remember early in my marriage when my wife and I were having problems. I’ve talked about it before - even though it’s heart-breakingly painful, divorce is too easy.

Men, if you are considering giving up on your marriage, don’t do it. Your wife loves you, she believes in you, even if it’s just deep down. If your wife is still asking you stay, still trying to work it out with you, then you owe it to her and yourself to not quit.

Five years from now, when you look back on this moment, will you honestly be able to say that you gave it your best shot and went down pouring out your heart and soul? Did you wait for her final vote before you walked away?

Robert Muraine, wherever you are now, I hope that you find the courage to come back and try again.

Related Posts:
Divorce is Too Easy
Would You Divorce Your Wife for Her Health?
What Do You Contribute?

Back in 1995, the leaders of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, announced a new document entitled The Family: A Proclamation to the World. With the definitions of family changing so much in the last 30 - 40 years there was a need for a proclamation like this. It’s a stand on what families are. Whether you believe in God or not these are principles of good relationships that every Good Husband needs to live by.

Since I am not a father I would like to just mention some of the Good Husband principles that appear in the Proclamation.

Marriage is ordained of God. Marriages are marked by ceremony to signify that both people in the relationship are making a lifelong commitment to each other. It is sacred and should be treated as such. It makes a big difference in a commitment if you are being held accountable for something that is bigger than you.

People are sacred. If you treat life with the sanctity that it deserves, you will never strike your wife. You’ll do your best to ensure her happiness and well being at all times. If she is sacred, then your marriage will also be sacred.

Gender is an inherent quality. If men and women are inherently different, then it’s possible that they have different roles in relationships. I think the best relationships recognize this and that couple will discuss what roles they will take in their relationships.

Families are eternal. The bond of marriage has the potential to last beyond this life, so decisions made here will affect whether or not families will be together beyond the realm of death.

Much has been spoken of keeping balance between work and family life. I’m not really an expert on balancing acts, but I do believe that I have been able to achieve a certain amount of balance in my own life.

There’s a picture, on Tim Ferris’ latest blog, of a Blackberry advertisement with the caption, “Take the whole company with you on this trip.”

…whoa…

Seriously? Why would you want to do that? I know it’s called the Crackberry and all, but I can’t believe how many people there are out there who refuse to take control of their own lives and stop allowing companies to dictate the terms of their own lives.

I’ll probably make some people angry by saying this, but if you think your life is being dictated by someone besides yourself…then you’re wrong. The only person who can dictate the terms of your life are you. You make the decision. You are the decider for your life.

You can make excuses. You can say, “But I need this job” or “I can’t find another job” but those are just your fears talking.

Decide what you want.

More time for personal hobbies?

Want to be an artist?

How about more time with your family?

I’m not yet 30 but I know that the answer to all of these questions is yes. When the company I worked for right out of college wanted to part ways with me because I didn’t want to work the same outrageous hours as the rest of the sales department I knew that it was time to go my own way.

I spent the Summer of 2007 traveling with my wife. We did the whole West Coast from Portland to Los Angeles and had a great time. On the left is a picture of me in the Redwood National Forest.

After arriving in Oregon it took a little bit of time to do it but I was able to find a job where I make a full time income on just 6 hours a day. Everyone goes home at 3 PM. Even the management. It’s a great company.

I don’t say that to brag about how great I am. What I mean to say is that I’m where I am at in my life because I intended it. I know what kind of lifestyle I want to live. I want to be able to pursue the Theatre as an art, to contribute to a meaningful world dialogue through my art, and I also want to be able to spend an exorbitant amount of time with my beautiful wife. I look at everything I do through this lens, then…

…if it doesn’t fit, then I must a-quit.

Balance comes not so much in scheduling everything the right way with Google Calendar, but in setting your sights and achieving. Right now my wife wants to play Backgammon, so I figure I’ve gone on long enough.

In 2008 this Good Husband plans on making some waves. There are some exciting times ahead. Here’s a partial list of what you can look forward to this year:

• Even more great posts about being A Good Husband.
• A regular E-Newsletter containing everything that is posted here at A Good Husband. To subscribe to this newsletter, please enter your email address in the box at the top left of the main page.
• Guest posts by some interesting celebrity bloggers about how they maintain their Good Husband status.
• Links to useful relationship books and other info. One does not achieve Good Husband status by listening to just one source, and I fully intend to share some of the information that I find useful.
• A discussion forum for those who need a little more interaction or perhaps want some helpful advice from their fellow Good Husbands.

Check back often to see the exciting stuff that’s coming up!

This is part two of my series about modern day applications the Chivalric Code, I Wish I Were a Knight.

Knights were warriors. They trained in swordplay, horse riding, and dancing.

That’s right, dancing. Knights of old were required to know how to dance. The toughest most respected warriors knew every step to every dance and they knew how to make the ladies swoon.

From a young age noble boys were partnered with knights who taught them and trained them in what they were supposed to be doing. These young men, squires, learned everything they were supposed to learn from their older, more experienced brethren.

Years of swinging swords and wearing armor built up strong, tough muscles. Men of battle built up their stamina by carrying around the equivalent of 25 - 50 lbs of steel, running and jumping with it. Anyone seen A Knight’s Tale?

Growing up, I wanted to be a knight so that I could get all of the ladies to swoon over me. Now that I’m a little older, I aspire to the ideals of knighthood so that one particular lady will swoon for me.

Even though there’s no need for regular sword training (although a little stage combat training is fun), there’s still a need for men to be combat ready. While we’re not facing murderous savages bent on impaling us with spears, we are facing a corporate culture that is bent on profit at all costs. In order to keep up we have to make sure that we’re in top shape. Only those who are can keep up, provide for, and protect their families.

…and, you can’t dance your maiden around the floor if you don’t have the energy to stay light on your feet.

Tracy Hickman wrote an essay that I found seminal to understanding why I like books and movies like Lord of the Rings, Beowulf, and Star Wars.

The essay talks about the form of the mythic story in Western culture. From the story Beowulf to modern times, fantasy/sci fi stories contain common elements. A Hero figure leaves his home to go on a journey of unknown time or length. He goes in order to right some sort of wrong (in Beowulf’s case he’s avenging the monster’s attack on his homeland). While he is away he has experiences that force him to learn and grow as a person. After going on the journey (not always successfully completing the original task) the hero returns home, changed forever.

How does all of this relate to being a husband?

In two ways:
Men love this Fantasy of Manhood, and Husbands are often held to it.

Men love to be heroes. They like to right wrongs, fight evil, and be seen as strong. Think about “guy movies,” and all of the comic book and cartoon heroes from your childhood (some of my favorites). Little boys play as Superman, Batman, and other imaginary beings who can help save the world. They want to grow up to be just like these heroes.

As adults men we know that we don’t have superpowers, but we like to be seen as heroes to our ladies. When a woman lets us help her by fixing a problem for her, we love it. It somehow affirms out manhood. I know that whenever my wife comes to me with a problem I’m always eager to figure out how to fix whatever is wrong.

The difficulty with the Fantasy of Manhood is that it holds them to an ideal that often cannot be reached. Much has been made of how adult entertainment debases women and turns them into sex objects. The Fantasy of Manhood does the same thing to men, perhaps in an even more subtle way.

Women are turned on by relationships, by men who know how to communicate with them and are willing to go to great lengths to make them happy. It can take a long time to develop some of those skills. Also, many women like men who are able to take care of them and protect them. Those attributes are also skills that must be developed over time. The more experience a man has the better he is at communication, and the better he is at providing (his income goes up).

The Fantasy of Manhood is a useful concept in understanding relationships. It can help women better understand what motivates men, and help men understand that it’s okay to want to be a strong, heroic figure. Balance, however, must be achieved. We cannot be held to unrealistic ideals.

In future posts I am going to examine some of the mythic figures of manhood in popular culture and history. I’ll talk about what makes men like them so much, and how their stories can be related to the Fantasy of Manhood.

At my company work party they gave away a bunch of video game consoles. I won an Xbox 360. I’ve wanted an Xbox for a really long time now. I haven’t had one since the Sega Genesis (anybody else remember Shining Force, that game was awesome!).

I was absolutely ecstatic last night when I won. I made a bit of a fool of myself because I was so excited (but I do that on a regular basis, so no one was surprised). I jumped up and down and screamed a lot. My co-workers were excited for me so that I can join the ranks of after work online play.

My coworker’s wife said, “Does your wife know she’s never going to see you again?”

It made me stop and pause. I thought about how much some men that I know play Xbox. While her comment was said jokingly it held a kernel of truth. Her husband is a good guy. He works hard at work, and is a valuable employee. I also believe that he’s a good husband and father to their children.

It made me think. How much time is too much time in front of the video game console? It’s a serious issue. With so much media out there distracting our time, and treatment programs opening worldwide for video game addiction, men (and women) have to evaluate how much time they’re spending in front of the screen.

EDIT: Derek Semmler over at Dad Balance has made a note on how the Nintendo Wii can help you experience time travel.

Even if we’re not addicted, how much time is too much time? What do you think?

The Internet has provided a breeding ground for opinions. That’s one of the great things about it. Unfortunately with the proliferation of “Web 2.0″ there has come with it a proliferation of negativity.

I was totally shocked the other day to come across a blog that actually promotes the idea of husband bashing. At the top of the blog it says:

“Please do not assume to understand the relationships between the contributors and their spouses based on the content of this blog.”

Now, far be it from me to judge, but what is this girl thinking? She’s telling people not to judge what they say about their spouses…while they themselves pass rather harsh judgement on their own spouses.

This is exactly the kind of thing that I was talking about in my Where Do We Go From Here post. There are a great many web posts on how men are bad, cheats, or poor decision makers. Do we really need another one telling us?

The question then becomes this: Where do we find positive reinforcement that we so desperately need?