Companionship Inventory

Each Sunday my wife and I sit down and hold a weekly review that we call Companionship Inventory. We’ve been doing this since the beginning of our marriage, just over five years. It’s important to do this with your partner weekly, independent of children. You can call it anything that you want, but it basically consists of the following four parts:

1. Weekly Planning

We whip out our calendars and (quickly) go over what we have planned for the week, one at a time. We skip repetitive things like work or classes and instead focus on what we’re doing during the evenings and weekends that will interfere with our time together or that we might need the other’s help or presence for. Specific items might include: dinner parties, things we need the car for, going out with friends so I can’t see you then, study groups, or a myriad of other things.

2. Business

Next we mostly talk about finances - what major expenditures we might have this week or in the near future, planning dates, housekeeping issues, future plans like long term goals.

3. Testimony Time

Companionship Inventory is a left over from when I was a full time missionary in Vancouver, Canada. As such, testimony time is a time to share with each other our feelings about what really matters - our spirituality. Some people may not feel comfortable with this, but for the two of us, it’s an intrinsic part of our lives and our marriage. Your testimony time could just include your thoughts on what’s really important to you or what you’ve been thinking about during that week. It’s often the most fulfilling part of our Companionship Inventory.

4. Compliment Time

My wife’s favorite part of our weekly review, we take turns telling each other one thing we admire about the other. We give at least 3 - 5 compliments every time, no matter how angry we might be at each other or how tired we are. It’s amazing how much complimenting the one you love does for your relationship. Whenever we have anyone staying with us we always include them in compliment time and they always enjoy it.

That’s pretty much it - it usually lasts less around 45 minutes. It may not be so for every couple, but Companionship Inventory is the single most important thing that we do that has helped our relationship.

Last month I recommended my readers pick up The Five Love Languages, a book about the different ways people communicate love.

I mentioned how my wife and I have read quite a few books on relationships. The next book that I would like to recommend would be Safe Haven Marriage by Doctors Archibald Hart and Sharon Hart Morris. It made me see some things that I had heard before in a new light.

I was taught as a young man that the most important relationship you would ever develop would be the one between myself and my wife. In Safe Haven Marriage, I learned that a marriage reaches its highest form when this ideal is held true.

Men and women need to feel that they can trust their partner. They need to know they can confide their hopes and dreams in their partner, that those hopes and dreams will be safe. Safe Haven Marriage explains how to communicate with your partner and behave towards your partner so that they know that they, and their dreams, are safe.

There are literally thousands of good deeds my husband has done for me. I must confess that picking just one was no easy task. I could tell you how after a really long day on my feet yesterday, my husband, of his own accord, got the lotion and rubbed my calves and feet until I was almost asleep. Or, I could tell you how I was feeling overwhelmed this past weekend, and while I was in another room, he quickly gathered up the kids, put coats and shoes on all 3 of them, and took them to the store to do MY grocery shopping so I could have a nap (turns out he had a migraine too…MAN)! But, I think I’ll go for one of my classic favorites. When we were very first married, the hot water went out in our apartment. I was in serious need of a shower and was doing homework while debating taking a cold one. When I finally decided it was worth it, I went into the bathroom to find that my husband had drawn a hot bath for me…with water he had boiled on all 4 burners in the kitchen! I LOVE him SO much! He is the greatest husband.

See more Good Husband Deeds!

1. Respect the Sanctity of Marriage

Put your marriage first. Whether you are religious or not, some things are just sacred. Marriage is very near the top of the list of sacred things. Society is built on successful families and successful families are built on a bedrock foundation of trust, love and fidelity. If every man in the world would treat his marriage like it was the most important thing in the world, above his career, friends, and hobbies, then so much of society’s problems would be solved.

2. Be Her Sounding Board

Listen to what your wife has to say. Sometimes she needs to talk to someone and that doesn’t necessarily mean she needs you to fix it. This has always been a difficult thing for me to do. Sometimes instead of having a problem fixed, women just want someone to listen to them so they can talk it out and work it out in their own minds and hearts. She might ask for suggestions or thoughts, but sometimes what she really wants is just a sounding board.

3. Show Respect and Withhold Judgement

Most likely (HOPEFULLY!) you respected your wife’s intelligence and capabilities when you married her. You should continue to do that. Women want to feel respected and cherished. They want to feel safe. If your wife makes a suggestion that you disagree with or find unreasonable, try asking her what she means, and do it in as kind a tone as possible. You might find that behind her unreasonable suggestion is a little nugget of wisdom that you did not recognize.

4. Know When to Make it About You

Every marriage should be built on the premise of making it about your spouse first. There are times, however, when an individual’s needs must be met before they can be capable of helping others. If you are really upset about something, don’t just bury it under manly silence. Tell her about it and ask for her help. Most wives will be more than glad to listen and care about you. You are not less of a man if you need help with a problem every once in a while, or if you just need to blow off a little steam. Indeed, I would say that most wives appreciate it a great deal when their husbands really open up to them about what’s troubling them.

5. Word Hard and Work Smart

Women are attracted to men who are able providers, protectors, and nurturers. They want a man who can and will be an able partner in life. It is fulfilling for a man to work hard and succeed at whatever he does. if the job requires more time than originally estimated, if it’s more strenuous than originally thought, a Good Husband will gird up his loins and redouble his efforts. Of course, working long and difficult hours when you don’t have to is less than effective. Think about what you’re doing and whether it’s actually worth it. Is there a better way to get it done? Can it be more efficient? Good Husbands use their intellect as well as their brawn.

6. Be A Leader

Do you have something you believe in? Do you hold to your convictions no matter what? If so, these are admirable traits in a man. I’m not talking about being obstinate or obtuse, I mean standing up for what’s right and convincing others to do the same. There is a whole industry built around learning how to lead, but let me just say this: if more men would take the time to help those who need a little direction, the world would be a better place.

7. Be Affectionate

Admit it. You like cuddling just a little bit. No? Fake it. Women need to feel loved and cared about. Give her a little pat when you walk by, compliment her when she’s doing some task, give her a kiss before you walk out the door. If you don’t know what kind of affection makes your wife happy, then I suggest you read The Five Love Languages. That book will show you how to find out what each of you needs in a relationship to communicate love and affection.

8. Care About Her Well Being

Not all of you will have to live with having a spouse who is chronically ill, but you will have to deal with illness, injury, and emotional distress. You should care about how your wife is feeling. She is delicate and sensitive. She needs to be cared for and it is your responsibility to do so. In addition to general health concerns, women feel better when they are allowed to be beautiful. Pamper her. I remember when I first got married and found out how much makeup and hair products cost. I almost went through the roof, but then I realized that it makes my wife happy, which in turn makes me happy.

9. Be Generous and Fair

I take care of the family finances in our household and I always make sure that my wife has some money. Whoever takes care of the money in your house, make sure that your wife is cared for and not deprived. Buy her treats and presents. Be liberal with your household budget and trust that she will be careful with the hard earned money. It’s amazing what a woman can do with a home when she is allowed free reign with decorating and arranging.

10. Think Like a Team

However you have worked out your roles within the household, whether one works and one stays home with the kids, or both work, you are a team working towards a common goal. Do you have goals? My wife and I sit down each Sunday afternoon and have family counsel. We talk about our plans for the week, how we can help each other, any business that needs to be discussed, and then we share at least 3 three things we like about each other. It usually takes about 30 minutes but it’s an integral part of our marriage.

Do you have any other suggestions?

Whether you are a contractor, actor, business executive or anything else, do you wake up each morning with a smile on your face because of how you are going to spend your day?

I used to sell cell phones (check out that link by my buddy in the Phillipines). I was one of those guys in the mall that yells out to people, “Hey, do you like your cellphone plan?” Yeah, that guy. I made pretty good money at that job. Working part time I made enough to get myself through college, but there were many days that I did not like the job, or the stress, or, well, any of it.

I have a great job now. I really love it and it’s helped my marriage in the following ways:

Low Stress Level

When I worked at the cellphone store I was always stressed about how much money I was making. On a straight commission basis, there were guys who were making tons of money, but I was always worried about whether or not I would make it. I like technology, but I didn’t like the environment of retail, or the hours, or the people that I worked with. I detested going to work.

My current job is a commission based job selling internet marketing services as well as being an actor/director. My stress levels are significantly lower now because I’m doing something that I am really passionate about. I firmly believe that Blogging, Search Engine Marketing, and Social Media are the future. I also love performing and being involved in the theatre community.

Because I wake up each day and prepare to do something that I can get really excited about, my stress levels are the lowest they’ve been since I started college. I have little free time still, and my income is still commission based, but it’s easier for me to accept because I like what I do.

Increased Energy Levels

Being stressed out produces tension. This is something that I studied intensively as an actor/dancer. When you are unhappy that energy is held in bad posture, slouched shoulders, clenched teeth, and other energy stealing habits. Also, people who are unhappy tend to consume more simple carbohydrates to get that “sugar high” that makes them temporarily feel better, but which resolve in a sugar crash later that can take a long time to recover from.

Conversely, being happy allows you to release unnecessary tension from your body and your life. People stand up straighter, move faster, and laugh more - a sure way to release endorphins into your blood stream. This all translates into being someone who is easier to get along with, someone who is more able to listen and more able to care about his spouse.

Financial Success

When I didn’t like doing what I was doing, I always thought about the money. I was constantly assessing where I was financially and because I was always worried about not having money, I did not.

What I have noticed since I started doing the work that I enjoy doing is that I am doing better financially. Since I enjoy my job, I put my heart and mind into my job and I am more effective in the time that I spend at work. I am also willing to put in time to make up for deficiencies in my job.

General Happiness

When I like what I am doing and feel that I am receiving an appropriate financial renumeration for my work I become confident and more secure. My wife feels more secure as well since she knows where we stand and feels that confidence coming from me.

The thing is, with the way the world and the internet are operating now, there are so many opportunities to do something new and totally different, or to at least work from home. I am working on that myself right now, and it makes me happy to do what I do each day. I can honestly say that since I turned the corner a year ago and started really pursuing what I love doing that my life has been immeasurably happier. I highly recommend that each man out there figures out what he really wants to do with his life and then pursue it with great vigor.

I would love to hear from any of you on what things you have pursued career-wise that have brought you great happiness. Please share!

Hi friends. I wanted to apologize for the being down the last couple of days. I am moving A Good Husband over to a new Domain name - www.agoodhusband.net - and I’m having issues making the migration. If anyone is an expert in this area and is willing to help me, I would appreciate it.

In the meanwhile, please watch keep reading and watch for us over at www.agoodhusband.net

Angela Super writes:

Josh is always home before me and leaves for work before me, and since we’re a commuter couple that means he’s up before me making breakfast and coffee and home making dinner and cleaning the kitchen and house.

When I come home absolutely trashed after a 8.5-9.5 hour day because I don’t take lunches, and am damn near married to my boss and not my own husband, I want nothing more than a clean house, dinner ready, and a foot rub. Most nights, that’s exactly what I get, and to top it off, most of the time it’s with a kiss, a hug and a big huge smiling “I love you so much.”

Most people would gag and say, “Newlyweds,” but we’ve been living like this about a year before we got married. He still does it. I still love it, and I think this Valentine’s day, I might do something extra special for him (Note from AGoodHusband: check out Valentines Day gifts for him) . Nice breakfast in bed, dinner and a movie? He deserves it. He treats me like a queen every day.

See More Good Husband Deeds!

Is video game addiction real? It depends on who you ask. Psychologists and sociologists are debating this question as we speak.

I’ve had lots of people searching for answers to this question on my blog. Men love video games, right? In my last post about video games I mentioned that for many men it’s not an addiction, it’s just a passionate hobby.

Sometimes There Is A Bigger Problem

For other men, however, video games are a serious problem. There are three reported cases of men dying because they played video games for three days or more without sleeping, eating, or drinking. It should be pointed out that all of these deaths were gamers addicted not to XBOX or other consoles, but to Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Games (MMORPG’s) like World of Warcraft or Everquest.

There was a medical conference on the issue in 2007. Video game addiction has not yet become an official diagnosis like alcohol or pornography addiction, but it has not been ruled out either.

How to Tell If You or Your Spouse Is Addicted

If you have four or five of the following problems, you might need to seek professional addiction help with your gaming habits:

1. Persistent thoughts of the activity or performance of the activity. (Preoccupation)
2. Need for increased time spent on the activity to achieve satisfaction or diminished reward for the same amount of time spent on the activity. (Tolerance)
3. Inability to control, stop or diminish the behavior. (Loss of control)
4. Restlessness or irritability when prevented from partaking in the activity. (Withdrawal)
5. Lying to friends or family about extent of involvement with activity. (Continuance despite adverse consequences)
6. Committing illegal acts to sustain activity. (Continuance despite adverse consequences)
7. Relying on others to finance activity. (Continuance despite adverse consequences)

What to Do About It

There is just one official treatment center for video game addiction in the USA, and a facility has been opened in Amsterdam. China has one too.

Most scientists agree that video games do not physically cause addiction like drugs or alcohol. Games are instead the means of avoiding some sort of other problem. My recommendation is that if you feel that you are having a problem with gaming then talk to someone about it. Talk to your spouse, a friend, your mother, or a therapist. Find out what it is that you are trying to avoid. Face your problem.

Remember, for most people, video gaming is simply a serious hobby like boating, stamp collecting, or others. If your gaming is causing a problem with your life however, then you need to face up to and do something.

I’d like to introduce a new series on A Good Husband. I’ve noticed that I have quite a bit more female readership than I originally thought I would have. My thought is that while there are a lot of women looking for advice on how to improve their relationships, there are also a lot of women who have truly great men in their lives. This series is all about those great men.

Introducing Good Husband Deeds: a weekly series where women can do us all a favor by sharing stories of how the chivalrous men in their lives have made them so happy. Each post will feature a story shared by a woman about one thing that her husband did for her that made her feel special and loved. It can be any sort of deed, big or small.

Ladies, I know you’re reading my blog. Take a look below to see some examples of what some other men did for their wives. The first example is an unsolicited compliment from my wife. The Good Husbands are out there, and they feel truly appreciated when praised in public. If you have any Good Husband Deeds to share, please contact me via a comment, or send me an email at cory_huff at yahoo dot com.

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I have the greatest husband! it’s just a fact. and I like it. (hee hee, of course right?) So yesterday I was feeling so yucky, ucky, ill and then I was cranky because of it and well, it was all around a discouraging me that my dear husband was having to deal with in the evening. but wonderful man that he is he just went to work making everything “better,” so he propped me up on the couch tucked a blanket around me, put on my favorite show, made dinner, brought it to me, and snuggled next to me . . . then he continued to play “butler” getting me water, and a book to read, and then later tucking me into bed. He’s just the bestest!!