On a relationship forum that I participate in regularly, there seems to be a great deal of “divorce him” talk going on.

People visit these relationship forums because they are looking for advice and help. While I don’t expect online forums to deliver professional advice, I would expect people to give advice that isn’t damaging. People come to these forums and ask for help with difficult situations of all sorts. Many of them are beyond my scope to help with, but the people in these forums were quick to suggest divorce, among other options.

Divorce is an ugly thing. We all know that. The national divorce statistics hover (in many cases have dropped below) right around 40%. Divorce has some serious negative side effects for those involved including a lowered life expectancy for men, a lower financial standard of living for women (and their children by extension) caused by the gender gap in wages, and children suffer from a loss of interpersonal skills and a lack of correct interpersonal relationship modeling.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that while there are a few good reasons for divorce, like abuse or infidelity, suggesting divorce as an initial option is hardly conducive to helping. If there were ever a case for two people who could have felt justified in getting a divorce without using the excuse of abuse or infidelity, it was my wife and I.

Our first year was pretty darn rough. We both made pretty much every relationship mistake that you can make, plus we were really young, both in college, my wife was very sick, and we had no money.

We sought out advice. We were counseled to communicate better. We tried several different discussion formats. Some worked, some didn’t. I had to learn how to share my feelings. She had to learn that not every part of the relationship has to be perfect. We were told to lower our expectations. We were told “that’s just how it is” and that we’d better get used to it.

Despite all of the well meaning advice we were given, I know that the thing that kept us together and made us want to keep trying was not only did we love each other, but we recognized that marriage is a covenant. We had made a promise before God and each other that we would stay together forever. We endured a year of unhappiness, and a second year of uneasy discomfort, before we started to really figure marriage out.

Our marriage isn’t perfect now. We’ve been married about five and a half years and we still have the occasional disagreement. Feelings still get hurt, but we’ve figured out how to handle it. We could have gotten divorced but now we’re glad we didn’t. We both feel it was worth it to work through the hurt. Our greatest joy is each other, and I believe that it will stay that way for the rest of our lives because we are both willing to work at it rather than take the easy way out.

Inspired by this guy —>
I don’t know where he comes from, but he’s got some good ones.

“Aw, Honey, you look tired. Why don’t I make dinner tonight.”

“Can’t your mother stay another week?”

“Let’s just cuddle tonight.”

“Why don’t you drive the remote tonight?”

“You know, I don’t know where I’m going. I’ll pull over and ask for directions.”

“Can I do the dishes for you?”

“Would you like a footrub?” (my wife’s personal favorite)

I’m a trained actor. That’s what I studied in college and what I have planned on doing with my life for a long time. Recently I took a full time day job so that my chronically ill wife could have health insurance and so that we could pay off some debt. One night my beautiful wife asked me if I regretted working at a regular job instead of pursuing acting full time.

The answer is no, of course not. I love the theatre and it is my passion, but I also love my wife and I regard the promises that I made to her as sacrosanct. Husbands have certain duties and obligations that must be filled. Meeting these obligations is far more fulfilling than achievement in a chosen profession.

A very wise man that I know named Richard Moffat gave a lesson on priorities that reflected the duties of a husband. Those priorities are, in order of importance, as follows:

1. A Higher Power. Whether you are Christian, Jew, Muslim or something else you owe your respect and diligence to something outside of yourself. Even if you are an Atheist, you will find your life more fulfilling if you have something outside of you and bigger than you to believe in. Your duty to a Higher Power should be first in your life, before everything else. If it is, then you will have the proper perspective on life and your spirit will be fed, enlarged, and enlightened.

2. Self. You are not able to help others with all your capacity if you are not functioning at your highest level. You need to make sure you are healthy, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Jesus Christ told the hypocritical Pharisees that they were “whited sepulchres full of dead men’s bones and rotting flesh,” and that before they could tell others how to act they must first “cleanse the inner vessel.”

3. Spouse. The most important person in your life is your spouse. Not your boss, mother, father, or any other. If you treat your spouse as being important, and your marriage as sacrosanct, many problems will fall away without even being noticed.

4. Church/Volunteering. Rendering service is important and good. It builds character and perspective. Notice that I put duty to a higher power above duty to your church. They’re often separate.

5. Career. Far too many men obsess about their careers. They see it as what defines them. Many men do it without realizing they are obsessing. If your career is getting in the way of your spirit, your health, or your relationship, then something is wrong. I truly believe that placing your higher power, your self, and your spouse above your career is a true key to happiness.

6. Social. Friends, football games, and backyard barbecues are wonderful, enriching, and fun. They can also be very time consuming. A husband should not let any of these things interfere with his relationship with his higher power or with his spouse. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of friends and really enjoy spending time with them, but I know where my first priorities belong.

According to Feedburner I now have 25 daily subscribers.

I just wanted to thank all of my readers. I’m flattered and happy.

I like Dina over at ThisMarriageThing.com - I participate there as well as in her discussion group at TeeBeeDee.com. It’s all about marriage from the Baby Boomer generation’s perspective.

Dina and I had an interesting conversation a couple of weeks ago about her tagline, It Doesn’t Have to Suck. I asked her what message she thinks it sends. As a marketing tactic, I find it pretty good. It’s catchy, easy to remember. In terms of her blog’s message, however, I think it sets a negative context for the conversation.

Rather than merely acknowledging a problem exists, could we not instead present a solution?
I think a tagline that moves the discussion forward with positive words like “marriage is…” or “marriage does…” would be more conducive to a helpful discussion. Maybe even do away with is or does, and use a more active verb like “seeks,” “rocks,” or “celebrates.”
It’s a subtle distinction and perhaps I’m being a bit nitpicky, but I think that the frame of reference for marriage is all messed up for many people and we need to re-frame the discussion.
The Power of Positive Thought

The power of thoughts has been a subject that fascinated me for a long time. People feel, do, and become what they think. I recommend reading James Allen’s excellent essay As A Man Thinketh and, for those of you with a hard science bent, take a look at the recent cult hit What the Bleep do We Know?

One of the reasons that I started A Good Husband is that there is so much negative attention on the role of husbands and men in society. I hope that I can always maintain an air of positivity. It frames the very nature of the discussion.

I’d be interested in hearing from some of the other internet husbands that I admire, like Dad Balance and Be A Good Dad.

Just in case you’re in a crunch for a date idea, here are four ideas that can be implemented with very little notice and that my wife has told me she found very successful.

- Dinner and Games. A candle lit dinner, made yourself or ordered in. Put on some romantic music and after dinner clear the table away yourself. Play some board games or card games for the rest of the evening and make sure you spend your time talking to her and listening to her. Easy to do, cheap, and she’ll cherish it. I promise.

- Argentine Tango Dancing. Even if you don’t know how to dance at all, Argentine Tango (the distinction is important - Argentine is very different from American Ballroom Tango) is the type of dance where you can pick up some simple steps fairly easily and spend the next couple of hours dancing. You can usually find a place that offers lessons before the main dancing starts. The Tango community is very welcoming and you might even make some great friends while you’re out. My wife and I went dancing for the first time just a month ago.

- Guilty Pleasure Night. Go to the video store and rent a season of a show that you both like to watch (like Scrubs, 24, Lost, or Gilmore Girls). While you’re out, go to the grocery store and buy obscene amounts of candy, ice cream, pop, chips, and chocolate. Go home and watch while you gorge yourselves, gab over the TV, and have a great time.

- Check into a Random Hotel Room. You can find some screaming good last minute deals on Hotwire - the catch is that you don’t know which hotel you booked until you have paid for it. You can pick general locales within your city and even the amenities you want. Find something with a jacuzzi and a view and don’t bother packing an overnight bag. The hotel provides soap and towels, so grab your toothbrush and go! Being in a new place provides a sense of mystery and fun.

I’d be interested in hearing from you, guys. What great dates (or terrible ones) have you taken your wife on, planned in advance or winged at the last minute? What worked and what didn’t?

Looking for more date ideas? click here.

HeFragSheFrag - With everything I’ve written about how the Xbox and other video games affect relationships, along comes a site all about video games bringing couples closer (or at least ways that they can bring couples closer).

Evan Carmichael wrote a guest post over at ProBlogger.net about getting not just links, but effective links to your website. Worth more than it’s weight in gold, I’m sure Evan didn’t get paid enough for that article, because it’s a dense nugget for any newcomer to blogging, and even to the tried and true.

Emom strikes again with her post about writing bio pages. I’m going to have to take another look at my about me section so that I can make sure I’m writing in a consistent tone and style.

1. Good looking. With that square jaw, big muscles, and all-revealing spandex, women go weak in the knees when Superman’s around.

2. Understands the Agony of Runs in Stockings. Think that spandex maintains itself?

3. Super powers. Every woman wants a man who can protect her. Superman’s steel bending toughness and laser beam eyes can punch through any obstacle.

4. He Can Turn Back Time. Just in case you had any last minute errands that needed to be done.

5. Intelligence. When he’s not out saving the world, mild-mannered Clark Kent is a sharp reporter with the ability to turn a sharp phrase.

6. No Problem Opening Jars. Obviously.

7. Secret Identity. With all those other women batting their eyes at your man, you can be secure that they will never be able to figure out the identity of that mysterious man. Also, what woman does not love a little mystery?

8. Caring. Lois Lane never has to worry about whether or not anyone would rescue her. Superman is always there whenever she needs help.

Any additional suggestions?

Over the past few months I have had several friends and family members get divorces. At least part of the reason for these divorces has been pornography addiction. Pornography is an awful vice that causes little but heartache and pain.
Forerunner.com offers some useful information here about the effects of pornography on those who view it. The following pieces are some excerpts from that article.

Psychologist Edward Donnerstein (University of Wisconsin) found that brief exposure to violent forms of pornography can lead to anti-social attitudes and behavior. Male viewers tend to be more aggressive towards women, less responsive to pain and suffering of rape victims, and more willing to accept various myths about rape.1

That’s more aggressive towards your wives, men.

Dr. Dolf Zimmerman and Dr. Jennings Bryant showed that continued exposure to pornography had serious adverse effects on beliefs about sexuality in general and on attitudes toward women in particular. They also found that pornography desensitizes people to rape as a criminal offense.2

Pornography depicts acts that are not part of regular sexual behavior. Men might feel they are not manly if they do not look like the men on the show, or if the women they’re with don’t look that way.

These researchers also found that massive exposure to pornography encourages a desire for increasingly deviant materials which involve violence, like sadomasochism and rape.3

Feminist author Diana Russell notes in her book Rape and Marriage the correlation between deviant behavior (including abuse) and pornography. She also found that pornography leads men and women to experience conflict, suffering, and sexual dissatisfaction.4

Women experience sexual arousal differently than men do. A man might watch a pornographic video or look at a magazine and be aroused. For many women, arousal doesn’t come without some sort of emotional element as well. In other words, a woman often has to feel emotionally safe and cared for before she is aroused. Pornography doesn’t do this and many men don’t understand that fact.

Researcher Victor Cline (University of Utah) has documented in his research how men become addicted to pornographic materials, begin to desire more explicit or deviant material, and end up acting out what they have seen.5

According to Charles Keating of Citizens for Decency Through Law, research reveals that 77 percent of child molesters of boys and 87 percent of child molesters of girls admitted imitating the sexual behavior they had seen modeled in pornography.

Sociologists Murray Straus and Larry Baron (University of New Hampshire) found that rape rates are highest in states which have high sales of sex magazines and lax enforcement of pornography laws.6

Michigan state police detective Darrell Pope found that of the 38,000 sexual assault cases in Michigan (1956-1979), in 41 percent of the cases pornographic material was viewed just prior to or during the crime. This agrees with research done by psychotherapist David Scott who found that “half the rapists studied used pornography to arouse themselves immediately prior to seeking out a victim.”

The Final Report of the 1986 Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography lists a full chapter of testimony (197-223) from victims whose assailants had previously viewed pornographic materials. The adverse effects range from physical harm (rape, torture, murder, sexually transmitted disease) to psychological harm (suicidal thoughts, fear, shame, nightmares).

By the way, all of this research applies not only to use of pornography during marriage, but also to the use of pornography before marriage, even if you stop.

Much of the research that is quoted above talks about pornography addiction. Like most addictive substances, people think they can consume them in moderation and never have a problem.

How likely are men to become addicted to pornography?

There are no hard and fast numbers for the numbers of men who are addicted to pornography but psychologists often say that addiction is a sign of a deeper issue. If pornography is interfering with your personal or marital life, I suggest you seek professional help.

1 Pornography and Violence Against Women, 1980.
2 “Pornography, Sexual Callousness, and the Trivialization of Rape,” Journal of Communication, 1982.
3 “The Effect of Erotica Featuring Sadomasochism and Bestiality of Motivated Inter-Male Aggressions,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 1981. 4 Rape and Marriage, 1982.
5 “Where Do You Draw the Line?” 1974.
6 “Legitimate Violence and Rape: A Test of the Cultural Spillover Theory,” 1985.

My husband does many good deeds

1) he knew that when he went on deployment, and I was lonely he bought me a doggy so that we have a pet, but also so I am not lonley next time he goes on deployment.

2) I have a dentist appt this Thursday. Due to bad childhood, my teeth need some major work. My biggest fear is having to have all my teeth pulled and have false teeth before I’m 25. And him not loving me anymore. He’s gone above and beyond convincing me that he will love me no matter what!!!

3) In the begginning of our marriage I told him a story about how when I was really little, I had a bog cabbage patch kid and loved him so much. I described him well, and for our 1st christmas he went on ebay and found an exact replica nearly of the doll I had as a kid…I cried

Those are a few things he has done in our 1 1/2 of marriage!

See more Good Husband Deeds!