Wendy over at eMoms at Home got me thinking about failure. I have very diverse interests and I like to try a lot of different things. Most of the time I’m not very good at them when I start. Why do I keep trying new things?

A couple of years ago I took a clown class. That’s right, crazy clothes, red nose, makeup, the whole bit. As part of that class I had to do an exercise that the teacher called The Ring of Fire.

No, not that sort of Ring of Fire.

We had to stand in a circle of our peers and try to make everyone laugh. Not just laugh, but a full on belly laugh. It had to be everyone at the same time, and it had to be an honest, genuine, full on laugh, as judged by the instructor. If you don’t think this sounds difficult, try it sometime. Some people were able to do it fairly quick…it took me 45 minutes.

It’s interesting what you think about when you are in that kind of situation. Your attitude quickly becomes, “Do something, anything! Just do something to make it stop!” I was desperate for success.

Do you know this feeling?

Do you ever have that feeling in your relationships?

I remember several times, after hurting my wife’s feelings, seeing a mental image of that ring of fire exercise. Everyone staring at me while I poured sweat trying to think of something to fix what was going on. I wanted to say something, anything to make my wife feel better.

She now recognizes that face that I make when I’m in the Ring of Fire mode. Usually it makes her laugh, so then I’m off the hook. If the face doesn’t work, then I have to go through with the exercise.

How did people finally succeed at the Ring of Fire? By trying sincerely and failing miserably. You say things, do things, try things, until something works. You can’t be afraid to fall on your face. I try to take this same approach in my marriage. I love my wife and I’ll try anything to make her happy. Usually it doesn’t work and I’m back to starting over, but I think she recognizes that and values our relationship even more for it.

That, or she just enjoys that face I make when I’m in the Ring of Fire.

This is a guest post from Lissie, my beautiful wife, over at The Fascinating Woman.

score in the bathroom. More room and more time, who doesn’t love that? I grew up in a household with eight women - and only one bathroom. Getting married was a revelation in the glories of pampering. I had space for make-up, and skin creams and hair products and time to luxuriate in a bubble bath. From experience, I can promise that if you give yourself permission to revel in this newfound freedom your husband will respect - even want it for you - and he’ll take reasonable steps (read: hang up the wet towel, lower the seat, rinse the hair bits from the sink) to ensure that you remain blissfully feminine.

The Fine Line: Just because he lets it be “your” room don’t make him feel like he’s entered enemy territory; put your unmentionables away, stock bars of plain soap, allocate him his own area.

opening jars. There’s just something so reassuring about having someone around who can open the tough jars, reach the high shelves, move the heavy items and give piggy back rides. The best thing you can do here is let your husband help you and praise him lavishly when he does. My husband loves to be praised, but the words would get stuck in my throat or garbled by my tongue from lack of familiarity. So for a while I went overboard-on purpose-when he went outside to get my something from the car I’d say, “Look at my strong man going out to brave the elements for his little delicate wife. Such nice strong, rippling muscles to bring me the milk. And see how thorough he is, even putting away the milk and closing the door.” Take my word for it, it works.

The Fine Line: If you’re asking for help every few minutes you’ve taken it too far, either move things from the high shelf or get a step ladder. Of course you can-and should-ask, but just like you don’t want to be a short-order cook he doesn’t want to be a piece of heavy machinery.

warming. Even if you don’t know the scientific reason men are generally warmer than women (and actually shouldn’t it be the other way around since women have more body fat?) - the fact remains that men are generally warmer than men. When you borrow the sweater off his back it smells like him and it’s really, really warm. Or when you get in bed you have a really good reasoning for snuggling - so he can warm you up (warning: this can lead to him really warming you up). My good husband will even lie on my side of the bed to warm it up for me. I get warm bedding and he gets to be cooled off on his side - we both sleep better. It’s a win-win. So don’t complain that you’re so cold, just ask to be warmed up.

The Fine Line: Just because you want to walk around the house in December in shorts and a tee shirt doesn’t mean it’s fair to turn the thermostat way up (what’s he going to do walk around naked and still sweat?) You can wear more clothes. And there’s always exercise, intense house cleaning, baking, or a hot bath to warm you up as well.

taking out the trash. There’s something about smelly, heavy, exposure to the elements tasks that just screams “man!” (Although that ought to mean that men change more diapers . . .) Growing up I had to take out the trash on the days I did the dishes, but when it was bitterly cold or just plain gross I could usually sweet talk my younger brother into doing it for me - just call him a strapping boy and promise to make cookies for him later. I find that the same approach works on a husband (and I don’t want to hear any flip about “rewarding him” we reward dogs for sitting and husbands are way nicer to have around) An added tidbit: sweetly asking at the same time day after day means that he’ll eventually make a routine of it. Though I suggest you continue to be appreciative and regularly make cookies.

The Fine Line: Don’t nag! And don’t do it yourself. There have been two instances where the trash was left waaaaaay too long. Once in the bathroom and once in the kitchen. Instead of taking it out myself or nagging I just ignored it. There has been no problem since.

Hello helpful, loyal (thrifty, brave and kind) readers. I appreciate all of you and your insight. Some of you may not have noticed, but a woman posted a comment on one of my popular posts, The Xbox Conundrum, about how her husband won’t stop playing video games.

Perhaps you all might have some helpful suggestions for her?

“My husband get’s up in the morning and the first thing he does is turn on Guild Wars. He ignores his job until around 10:30 a.m. sometimes until noon or later, then finally takes off to do his rounds. But because he get’s such a late start, he’s out working until 7 p.m. at times. He is in pest control so he has appointment windows of 4 hours, and he’s usually late to most of them. So when you people out there are waiting for some guy to come over for an appointment, realize he might be at home gaming waisting your time. So,… when he get’s home at night, he gives me a kiss and says how was your day, pretends to show me his time. We tak about what food we will eat and sit for a minute. Which is really obvious that it’s applied behavior, only to passify me and can’t wait to go log into his Guild again. Of which he proceeds to play until 2 a.m. in the morning, or at least midnight. I go to bed alone almost every night. We have sex about twice a month. So what do you think?”

I responded to her asking for more details and she provided the following:

“oh yes,I have talked to him many, many, many times. The right way in the first 3 1/2 years, with love, patients and understanding. He kows I grew up with 5 boys and I don’t act like a reguar girl. I “get” men better than the average woman. I don’t just want to complain about something, I want answers and solutions just like a man cause that’s what my brothers taught me. So much so that I can hardly even relate to women very much. I also don’t put him through long, drug out conversations. I give him “cave time” etc, etc. I know the deal. Trust me. Then with the overwhelming frustration, I began to loose myself control with how I presented my feelings. I just can’t take it anymore. Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel now. I’m lost in absolute sorrow because he just doesn’t care. I’ve been reading about gamming addiction and he definately has that going on as far as I can tell. I’ve tried to talk to him about that too. He agreed, then fails to make good on his promises….. On any of his promises I’m afraid.”

Anonymous, I hope that you are still watching. The community here can provide some useful insight.

Any suggestions, anyone?

Have you ever read Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich? I highly recommend it.

For those of you who have never read the book, one of the things that Hill suggests is that you form a mastermind group for your life. Find people who have skills and attributes that you admire, or that you lack, and make them a part of your life.

Henry Ford was a great example of someone who did this. Ford grew up illiterate and uneducated. He had a dream of being rich, however, so he began to surround himself with skilled, educated people. They showed him how to get what he wanted.

I suggest that we do the same with relationships.

When I first got married, I can honestly say that I had no idea what kind of work goes into sustaining a long term relationship. I just didn’t know how it was done. I needed a lot of help. I got that help from not only my wife, but also from my bishop, a couple of good friends my own age, a couple of good friends who were older, and from reading several books on relationships.

The mastermind idea is different from my post on calling in the cavalry for particular situations. Calling in the cavalry means finding experts to take over for particular situations or events. You mastermind group doesn’t step in and do certain things for you. Instead, the relationship mastermind group performs two essential functions:

The mastermind group provides advice on particular subjects. Every once in while my wife does something that doesn’t make any sense to me. I can call up a member of my mastermind group and say, “Hey, my wife did this. What do you think I should do?”

The mastermind group becomes a think tank. When talking about relationships in general with your think tank, you should feel like they are providing useful, uplifting, and enlightening information and insights that will help you. They are the people you can bounce the “what ifs” off of.

In closing, some disparate thoughts on the relationship mastermind group:

- Business people often form mastermind groups to make sure their businesses succeed. There’s no reason that we can’t do the same for our relationships.

- Your mastermind group can be formal or informal, but you should definitely have one.

- Make a list of five to ten people who have relationships that you admire. Those people should be in your relationship mastermind group.

- You should evaluate the success of your mastermind group every year or so to make sure that its working.

- Be a part of someone else’s mastermind group. It’s called paying it forward.

Just in case you didn’t notice. There’s a new tagline here at A Good Husband. Up at the top. Right below the Title. It reads “Help for married men. Hope for married women.” What do you think?

I’m slowly working on some adjustments to the layout and design of A Good Husband. You’ll notice wider columns, different size text, and some other things. Your feedback is welcome!

It’s becoming a bit of a weekly tradition, but ya’all seem to enjoy it.

- On your way home, go to the bank and pick up two rolls of pennies. That’s one dollar total. Take your wife to the nearest public fountain. Hand her one of the rolls of pennies and then take turns tossing pennies into the well and making wishes. Make them out loud so that you can share them. After all of your pennies are gone (that’s 50 each, so this could take some time), go grab something to eat somewhere and talk about the most surprising/interesting/fascinating wishes that your partner made. You can find out why they made those wishes. It’s a great way to get to know something about your partner you never knew.

For more date ideas, click here.

I recently took a look at a Yahoo search that I was popping up under (keywords “good future husband”), and found something quite amusing. The rapper Ludacris was showing up in the number three spot on the search. I showed up somewhere near the bottom. Now, I’m sitting here trying to figure out what A Good Husband has in common with Ludacris and how we have crossover appeal, and I can’t make any sense of it.

Perhaps Yahoo knows something about Ludacris that I don’t know. Perhaps Ludacris would make a great husband (is he married?) and Yahoo simply wants everyone to know about it. If so, that’s awful kind of them (and rather prescient).

I guess it doesn’t make any sense to me with the kind of lyrics that come out of the hip hop culture. I took a look at some of Ludacris’ lyrics, and they seemed to be standard fare for the rapper culture, with a few exceptions. It’s pretty easy to villify rap and say that all rappers are bad, and I hate to do it, but cultivating a persona that is tough, mean, and “hard” just seems to promote that attitude.

If you’re going to promote that kind of persona, and you’re going to continue to use slurs like the “N-word” then I don’t know how good of a future husband you’re going to be.

Whether you are a religious person, Christian or otherwise, I ask you to hear me out on this one.

I prayed I’d be a good husband. I spent two years (1999 - 2001) as a missionary for my church over in Vancouver, British Columbia. During those two years I learned a lot about the power of faith in people’s lives.

- It puts your attention somewhere besides your problems. As the old saying goes, sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees. Prayer, done right, allows you to put your mind in a different place, gain some perspective, and return to the problem from a different angle. Often after prayer I find that a problem isn’t nearly as large as I thought it was.

- You align your will with something larger than yourself. It’s pretty easy, at least for me, to get caught up in focusing on what I need, what I want, and what’s happening to me. The purpose of prayer is not to bend the heavens to your will, but instead to allow your own will to sincerely seek out what is best for you to do. Understanding this brings humility and a stronger desire to help others.

- It brings an attitude of reverence. Life is precious. The lives of those around you, including your wife, children, and even yourself are a great responsibility to be entrusted with. Too often we are cavalier with the responsibilities we have as husbands and citizens of the planet. Prayer puts us in that peaceful, contemplative mood and allows us to see once again the sweet joy of being in the presence of those we love.

Some people may not know how to pray. You can pray out loud or silently in your heart. I personally find that out loud is better because it forces me to actually speak what’s going on. I find that prayer has the following steps:

1. Addressing the higher power. This gives you a starting point for your prayer. For me, I say “Dear Heavenly Father.” I believe that God is my Creator and in that sense, my Father, so I speak to Him as I would to a Father.

2. Thank the higher power for everything that is going well in your life. Whether you believe you got there with the help of a higher power or not, acknowledging that your life is the result of a combination of outside influences is humbling and good for you. Gratitude is good for the heart. Hopefully here you realize how much good there is in your life.

3. Ask your higher power for whatever it is you stand in need. Be sincere and humble. What is it that you really need? Do you really need that trip to Maui, or is it that you need some time to relax and contemplate life? This is where you unite your will with the universe.

4. Listen and close. Listen for those still, small whisperings that are the answers to your prayer. Little thoughts will occur to you, impressions and feelings about what to do, who to talk to, or just a simple reassurance will come into your life if you just stop and listen for a little while after sincere prayer. I close by saying, “In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.” I close like this because I believe Jesus Christ to be the intermediary between me and Heavenly Father.

You can pray for a long time, or a short time. Length doesn’t matter, just sincerity. I hope that this enriches your life like it has mine.

Back in the days when people still fought wars with swords, the elite units were called cavalry. The cavalry, or at least some of them, rode on armored horses and were usually held back in a battle until a fast, flanking, powerful strike was needed at a defining moment of a battle. Very few armies could stand before a cavalry.

My day job is a little bit like being a part of a cavalry. I spend a lot of time helping people use the internet to advance their business. They’re often very grateful for my outside expertise and help. It causes me to reflect a little bit. When I’m trying to do something that is outside of my area of expertise, do I consult outside experts?

You see, something I’ve noticed is that a lot of men refuse to ask for help, no matter how little they may know about a subject. I’m guilty of this at times. When I do have a little more sense, here is a partial list of my favorite cavalry:

- Graime at the Portland office of UBS. After I graduated from college I needed someone to help me get my finances in order. While Graime isn’t my immediate financial advisor, he pointed me in the right direction to get the help that I needed. My training isn’t in money, and money is one of my biggest sources of stress, so why not bring in an expert? Stress relieved.

- Aaron Wall over at SEOBook. While I help people at my job with online marketing, Aaron is my guru of sorts with all of his helpful information on Search Engine Optimization.

- My doctor. I have just recently discovered the joys of health insurance (more on life without health insurance later). Did you know that the average man spends only two to two and a half minutes with his doctor? Are you leveraging your doctor’s expertise? I doubt it.

What kind of things do you call in experts for? Who are the experts you recommend?

- Go to the theatre. For some reason, a lot of people automatically link the theatre with romance. Taking your date to see a play at the last minute is a great idea. You can usually check your local paper to find out what’s playing, and if you call the theatre, they will often have discount tickets or coupons available. Also, if you’re a student, you can get last minute tickets (with an hour of the show starting) at a steep discount. Since it’s last minute, make sure you call to see if it’s sold out.

- Go stargazing. It’s getting warmer now. On the way home from work, grab a roast chicken from your local grocery store, a loaf of bread from their bakery, and maybe some cheese and something to drink. Grab your wife and drive up a canyon or out to a rural area, spread a blanket out on the ground, eat dinner and watch the stars when it gets dark. If you want to do a little more planning, local universities often have stargazing parties

- Go Clubbing. If you’re feeling a little more adventurous, dress up and go to a night club. How long has it been since you did that? My wife and have done this a few times since we got married and it’s absolutely hilarious to us. I get a certain voyeuristic pleasure out of watching all the single people grope around trying to impress everyone….but I like to watch people. If you find the right club, you might even do a little dancing, eat some good food, and/or sing a little karaoke.

Just a reminder friends, there is no such thing as a sure fire, slam dunk date idea. The reason these dates work is because they have a huge potential for failure. That’s good for any date. It makes the best stories when something goes wrong. Couldn’t get to the theatre on time and they locked you out? The date then becomes about how well do you improvise, and how comfortable are you with your date?

I’d love to hear some of your stories.

Looking for more date ideas from A Good Husband? Click here.