Here it comes.  V-Day.  Chocolates.  Roses.  Schmaltzy quotes and Hallmark cards.  Valentine’s Day.  My wife and I have always had fun on Valentine’s Day.  Up until this year, we’ve been financially poor, but relationship rich.  I never had to buy her love with a diamond ring, because we show each other love on a daily basis, but we’ve always celebrated the holiday by doing something special together, just the two of us.

The other day I asked readers, “What is romance?”  First time commenter Steven Fisher made a great point about romance.  It’s not the big events.  It’s buying her flowers for no special reason.  For us, it’s been things like building shelves for her, slow dancing in our apartment, cooking together, or making out while watching Star Trek.

You see, romance, and marriage, is not a single act, but the accumulation of little events and acts of love over the months, years, and decades of a relationship.  I remember as a child admiring men who could honestly say that they were more in love after 25 years of marriage than they were on their wedding day.  I didn’t grow up with that, but I longed for it, and now I can say that I’m well on my way there.

It was a bit of a rocky start, but Lissie and I learned how to communicate with each other.  Every interaction we have now is tinged with a bit of love and romance.  Every time we are together it brightens my mood and makes life a little bit lighter.  Even if we’re just in our apartment together, doing our own seperate thing, it makes life a little bit happier.

Lately I’ve been super busy rehearsing for the upcoming performance of my next play.  I’ve been away from my wife most evenings for the past two weeks.  I can honestly say that no matter what we do for Valentine’s Day (and I have plans…oh, I do) it will be special simply because I’m with her.  Can you say that about your marriage?  I hope so.

Gentlemen, take a moment to reflect on this latter question.  Can you say that your Valentine’s Day will be special simply because you will be with your wife?  If not, what can you do to make the day special for her and for you?

I wanted to share with you two pieces of reading material that I recently came across.

Seeing the Everyday Magazine.  I believe that long term marriages are not built on doing great things, but instead on noticing your wife each day and appreciating the little things that make life wonderful.  Jared from Seeing the Every Day sent me a review copy of the magazine, and it’s definitely worth looking at.  The focus of the magazine is on the little pleasures that you remember.  You know, those stories that you sit around and talk about fondly years later?  It’s a very visual and tactile magazine (great photography and printed on fine paper).  Check it out!

The other thing is the Hero Principles E-Book.  I, like most men, have a bit of a hero complex.  I want to be seen as a knight in shining armor to my wife.  Justic Marshall sent me an email to let me know about his e-Book and his practice.  He’s a certified life coach and therapist who specializes in helping men.  Peruse his e-book and you might find some different takes on how men can turn around their relationships.

Last week’s free flower giveaway was a bit of an eye opener for me. When I asked men to leave their most romantic story, I was surprised that so many of the answers were so…not romantic. Initially, I thought it was just me, but then my wife commented on it after reading the entries…then a friend of mine was like, “Dude, the guys who read your blog are totally not romantic. Guess that’s why they think you can help them, huh?”

At first, I was a little offended at my friend’s insinuation, but after some thought I was like, “Well, Cory, you started this site because you thought it could be a resource.” So…yeah, I guess there are quite a few guys out there who have no idea that men & women think different things are romantic.

Men see romance as a task to complete.

Is it true? Many of the comments on that post were about the way that men proposed to their wives. A few were about what they did for their wives before they were married. I can’t be sure, but I don’t think any of the stories occurred within the last 2 - 3 years.

Is romance a list of set procedures? Can you maximize the return on investment of a romantic gesture and calculate out what you can get with the least amount of effort? I am guessing that any women reading this are repelled just by the idea of that last sentence.

Romance as relationship maintenance.

Responsible men know that they need to get their car serviced. You change the oil every 5000 miles, put gas in, and get the brakes checked. Romance is the equivilant of relationship maintenance. Take your wife out for a date, bring her a gift for no reason, praise her regularly, and touch her lovingly. Regular romance is better than any single gesture of love over time.

Last week, when I asked for a story of the most romantic thing you’ve done for your wife, perhaps I did you all a bit of a disservice by putting attention on that singular event. Attention should really be paid to what are you doing now?

What does ongoing romance mean to you?

And the winners are:

Matt Schmunk 51 Votes

CJ Grisham 32 Votes

Michael 31 Votes

Jude & Natasha 28 Votes

Weasel Momma 28 Votes

I will be emailing your your gift codes soon!  Congratulations and thanks for playing!

Even if you didn’t win, remember that you can still get 20% off and a free vase by ordering flowers via this link.  Offer expires March 1, 2009.

Time to send some flowers to your loved one! Read people’s stories of romance here and then vote on the right hand side of the page for your favorite story. Each person gets four votes. Polls close on Saturday at Midnight!

If you are one of the people who entered their story in the contest, then make sure you tell all of your friends to come and vote for your story! You can do this easily by clicking on the Share This link at the bottom of this article, before the comments.

Winners will be announced on Monday morning and gift codes emailed to the winners. If you want to know who won, be sure to subscribe to A Good Husband updates for free!

UPDATE: ProFlowers.com loves AGoodHusband.net readers, and wants to give you an extra gift. From now through March 1, you can get a 20% discount off of any flowers & a free vase by clicking on this link. Let me know if you purchase anything. I’d like to know how it turns out!

Thank you everyone for all of your awesome comments on the Proflowers Gift Card giveaway!  I will be compiling the list and creating a voting poll today.  Be sure to come back and vote for your favorite romantic story, and get a chance to win $70!

In the meanwhile, check out these two awesome articles on how to man up in your marriage.

Three phrases all husbands should use more often by Art of Manliness.

How to Spot & Defeat the Four Marriage Killers at Simple Marriage Project.

Reader JF left a comment on Could You Forgive Your Spouse for Cheating?

My wife had an affair (mostly an emotional affair and some kissing, but no sex) and I feel that we are dealing with it well except for one thing. The man she had an affair with is one of her only friends and they have swapped childcare together (we both have 3 year olds). They did a lot of childcare together and have swapped kids to give the other a break. I truly believe my wife is over him ad would not do anything again (we’ve had a lot of stress in our lives leading to the affair), but she wants to remain friends with him; he’s her only childcare support; and while she understands that I don’t want my kids near him, and while she accepts that, I know she wants me to move past it.

My question for you, readers, is this: Is it okay to remain friends with the person that you cheated on your spouse with?

As I advance further in my career, I am amazed at how a rising socioeconomic status changes my perspective.  When I was first married we fought about money.  We were young, poor, and in college.  There was a lot of pressure to make ends meet.

Fast forward a few years and what a difference.  Of course we’re not spectacularly wealthy, but I make a comfortable living.  Today I was reflecting on what money means to my marriage.

Physical Comfort. Giving plasma to pay for groceries is no way to live at all.  We live in a clean apartment with enough space.  We eat enough, drink enough, and can afford health insurance.  Our material needs are taken care of.  What a blessing it is to know that my wife is comfortable…and that I no longer have to stick a needle in my arm to pay for it.

Less Mental Stress. G.B. Shaw said that the greatest sin is poverty.  One of the worst things about being poor is the constant fear of where the next month’s rent is going to come from.  That fear causes people to exercise poor judgement sometimes.  When I am stressed I tend to lash out.  Having a little extra money gives you the ability to say no, or to make a third choice where before there might have been only two.

Better Service. With more wealth comes more ability to serve.  If you are always looking for a buck, your focus is not on how you can help others.  If you have more than you need, you can give to those who don’t.  This brings greater fulfillment in life, and thus more happiness in marriage.

Better Marital Skills. Ever attended a marital retreat? How about therapy or counseling? Read a self help book or listened to a tape?  Chances are, if you’re poor, you won’t have these opportunities.  Education brings opportunity and skill that you can’t acquire otherwise.

What do you think?  How has money blessed your marriage?  How do you think money will bless your marriage?

Also, don’t forget to enter the contest to send free flowers to your special one on Valentine’s Day!

Would you like to send flowers to your wife for free?  Do you want to be seen as the champion Good Husband who orders flower delivery for his beautiful bride at work?  I hold in my hands the power to give a lucky few of you (five, actually) a $70 gift certificate for Proflowers.com - just in time for Valentine’s Day!!

How to Win Free Flowers for Your Wife

A Good Husband is all about helping you become the best husband you can be.  So much good advice comes from the community that I thought I would invite you, the reader, to share some of your best romance advice.

In the comments below, tell the rest of us husbands what is the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for your wife.  The story can be as long or as short as you like, but make sure you tell us what you did and how she reacted.  Don’t wait, do it now, because contest entries received after midnight on Wednesday February 4th will not be eligible to win.  Be sure to give a real email address so I can contact you.

Win Free Flowers If You Are A Wife

Ladies are eligible too.  If your husband is too shy to visit the site and tell us all about how great he is, then give us a little blurb and we’ll consider you entered in the contest.

Readers will vote on the Most Romantic Stories

Make sure you tell your story well.  I will be selecting the top 10 - 15 stories and putting the contest to a reader vote.  The top five stories will receive $70 worth of flowers from Proflowers.com.  Guys, keep in mind that about half of the people who visit this site are women - mostly wives.

Voting will begin the morning of February 5th and continue through midnight on the 6th.  Winners will be announced on the site on the 8th and notified by email.  Be sure to subscribe to the site (it’s free) so that you can find out who won!  If you want to read the stories, subscribe to the comments and you’ll receive those as they’re updated.

Other Ways to Win Free Flowers for your Wife

Proflowers has been exceptionally generous this Valentine’s Day Season and is giving away flowers through other outstanding websites as well.  Here is a list of the other sites also giving away free flowers:

• You Served Military Blog
• Daddy Forever
• At Home Dad
• Patrick Says
• Building Camelot
• Art of Manliness
• Ploomy

There are several other sites participating in the giveaway, but you should be able to get going with those few.  I highly recommend all of them.

Come back tomorrow and the next day to read some of the stories, and to get some great advice on how to pick flowers for your wife after you win the contest!

UPDATE: The contest ended in February 2009 and is closed to new entries.

The following is a guest post from Nathan Mcgee.

I have been married for 9 years (going on 10). I would love to say that we have been blissfully compatible since the day we got hitched, but far from it.  We have had our disagreements and, at times, heated arguments.  My grandpa told us, “You don’t really know a person until you’ve been married to them for 25 years.”  At times we hoped to make it just one more year.

The Cookie Dough Incident of 2000
One afternoon, early in our marriage, she was making some chocolate chip cookies. She had whipped up a batch of dough and I promptly started eating it as she dropped spoonfuls on the sheet.  My wife asked me to stop eating the dough.  I told her, “I like cookie dough,” as I took another bite.  What started as a simple request and honest rebuttal soon turned into a half hour “discussion.”  I pointed out that this was how my family made cookies, then she explained to me that if I eat all the dough then there won’t be any cookies.  Eventually we came to an understanding.  I still eat cookie dough (which is my favorite part), but she makes sure to double the recipe so that there are plenty of cookies (which is her favorite part).

Since then we have been learning how to communicate better, particularly when we don’t quite see eye to eye.  Here are the tips that I’ve found very helpful… (disclaimer:  I do not claim to be a master of these principles and find that I have to remind myself frequently to get back on path).

#1 Remember That You Love Each Other
I put this one first because it is the most important and, sometimes, the most difficult.  When tempers are high, love is often the last thing on your mind.  It helps to verbally state your love, “I am angry and frustrated with you right now, but I love you.”  It may not send you into a sudden frenzy of passionate kissing, but it will help tone down the situation.

#2 Stay Calm
No one knows how to push my buttons quicker than my wife!  If I am able to stay calm, she calms down and then we can solve the problem.  When we are both tense, then it just becomes a “you did…” match and nothing gets solved.

#3 Seek First to Understand
Most of the time, an argument starts with a simple misunderstanding.  When it isn’t a misunderstanding, people can still feel like they aren’t being understood.  The best way to combat this is the classic technique recommended by psychologists and conflict managers… restate.
Her: “It makes me so angry when you leave your shoes in the middle of the floor!”
You: “So you are upset because I left my shoes out?”

#4 Seek to Be Understood
This can be as simple as asking for her perception of your side of the story.
You: “Why do you think I keep leaving my shoes on the floor?”
Her: “Because you don’t care about keeping our home clean!”
Make sure to validate her concerns and clarify your reasoning, if necessary.
You: “I do want to keep the place clean, I just get distracted and do not think of shoes as clutter.”

#5 No One “Always” or “Never”
This can be an easy trap to fall into.  “You always leave your shoes in the middle of the floor and you never think to put them in the closet!” Truth is, no one always or never does something.  Maybe 90% of the time, but there are occasions when people veer from their habits, even if it is just momentarily.  Always and never are absolute words and in relationships, habits, behaviors and emotions can change.  You or your spouse do not want to feel confined into an absolute behavior.  “Most of the time” or “Hardly” while still emphasizing the frequency, or lack thereof, is more open and accepting.

#6 When You are Wrong, Promptly Admit It
This is good advice and probably one of the hardest to follow.  Be open to the possibility that you might be wrong. I do not mean that you should just cave to everything, but really look at the issue and if you are wrong, admit it. Followed by a sincere apology.

#7 Don’t Forget to Laugh
Laughter will lighten any mood.  There are times when feelings have been tremendously hurt and grave mistakes have been made, but for life’s little arguments, laughter can be a much needed comfort.  It can turn an argument into a building experience!

Marriage is a challenge.  You are two different people trying to ride through life together.  There are going to be disagreements which can make or break your marriage if you let them.  I do not think it’s impossible to master these principles, difficult as they may be, but perfection is not the goal. The goal is to experience consistent learning, growing and loving together.

Nathan McGee is a Social Media Strategist and trying to be a good husband to a beautiful woman who blessed him with two beautiful daughters.  He can be found at nathanmcgee.com or follow him on twitter, @nathanmcgee.