I feel like these strangers are in my home. My husband plays xbox more than anything else other than sleeping or working. I never said a word until he gave those men his phone number. Now I’m thinking of leaving him.

A month prior I found evidence of attempted infidelity accidentally when trying to save an email as a text file (while using his computer to watch the Daily Show & email.) I was blown away, he was trying to arrange sexual hookups with women FIVE DAYS BEFORE OUR 10th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!! in contrast, he’d made no plans for our anniversary. I was stunned, shocked by what I found and emailed all the women and told them they could have him and he’s trying to do this to a disabled mom of 2 days before our anniversary. Needless to say, one woman (at least) on each site must have contacted the site owner to shut his profile down, b/c it was deleted when he went to delete it w/me. (I didn’t ‘fess up LOL.)

The divorce stuff was hard, but just as hard was the emotional and verbal abuse & neglect over the past few years, fueled by (I believe) the porn addiction that encourages me to see women as little else than tools for their satisfaction, sexual or otherwise. I was distraught that a man raised in the church, a churchgoing man who attends a men’s bible study every week could find this ok. He was 100% repentant and I forgave him, but didn’t trust him. He was sweeter than he’d been since dating after that, but for a short while.

Then it descended into more emotional abuse, and then his deciding to leave me. I kept crying and begging him at first not to do this, then later to just make up his friggin mind already so I could get a place for me and the kids without him. (Remember, we had to move very soon.) He hummed and hawwed and killed me inside, raged at me, raged about me to his family and friends, then I held my ground, told him to shove it and divorce was A-OK with me, and THEN he decided he wanted to do marriage counseling!

We got back together but soon after I was moving photos off his old computer, my current yet-soon-to-be-dead computer when I found tons of porn photos. I just about died. He rushed home, apologized profusely, and began being honest. (I found out the porn was from 2006. This corresponded with his emotional abuse and the deterioration of our relationship and sex life. if I only had known! I had suspicions, but he always had lies to cover it up. I think I was being willfully blind b/c the truth was to painful to bear.

His newfound honesty was damn hard to hear though, and almost made me wish for ignorance. He said he was ADDICTED to porn, not a casual viewer he said, and had been forever. (I married him when he was 35 and as a Christian had not had pre-marital sex but he found other “outlets” so to speak for his sexual energy.) He said he looks at it and keeps looking and just can’t stop even though it no longer excites him (my stomach lurched at that,) he just can’t stop. The emphasis on “addiction” and hearing he spends so much time on porn sites broke my heart. Our sex life had been non-existent prior to my discovery of his attempted adultery b/c he treated me so poorly and b/c I felt inadequate b/c he was unable to ejaculate w/me. I once went 6 months w/out him being able to, and I’d dissolve into tears telling him I felt inadequate, and that wasn’t enough to make him stop! He always said he needed to go to the doctor, that his prostate might have problems. He finally got his checkup, and yup, another lie. It was b/c he masturbated so much he could not have an orgasm during intercourse anymore.

So before we moved together he swore to get help for his porn addiction, the abusiveness, and he’d stop. Well, he’s back to ignoring me and the last 2 times we’ve had sex he hasn’t been able to have an orgasm. I don’t know what to do. Complicating things is that my kids’ psychiatrist believes he is bipolar, and he FINALLY on my advice got his doc to stop prescribing antidepressants that made him rage and instead prescribe Lamictal (a mood stabilizer.) It has helped tremendously at first, then he started acting like a mean jerk again, with little impulse-control and treating the kids and I like we were burdens and w/out feelings that mattered. I searched his bag and found he had not been taking his meds. It was certainly not one of my finer moments when I confronted him. I was crying and screaming that all his promises are lies, tat he needed to get out b/c he didn’t keep his bargain. I threw pillows, clean clothes, anything I could find at him. I told him to leave the house but he refused. He’s started the meds again but it takes weeks to months to see an improvement. The risky sexual behaviors and insatiable sex drive is a symptom of bipolar, and since he has type II its not as severe but enough to ruin our marriage.

Another article I read said that porn addiction also ruins the lives of kids too, and its so true. They’ve suffered so much, seeing how he treats me, then him leaving us. I noticed even before this that when we don’t have sex he becomes an angrier person, literally. So when he’s nice & we haven’t had sex I know what he’s been up to.

The chemicals released during orgasm are as powerful as heroin. Now I feel I have to have sex enough and perform, wear sexy lingerie, to keep him away from the porn. I feel inadequate and so hurt inside. There is an article in Salon magazine about how to NOT have sex like a porn star, and explained that women feel the need to look and act like those women and men feel they should act and receive sex like in the movies. So true.

The porn was a slippery slope, leading him down where he almost cheated on me. Given more time to get used to the idea, I have no doubt he’d follow through. We had no sex life at that point. Part of me wonders if he’s only staying with me now because we’re having sex, and if we stopped he’d leave me again. He claims he has “no time” to look up counselors and support groups, yet sends me stupid links to things during the day and always finds time for Facebook. I don’t want to subject my kids to kicking him out again, and I cannot work and pay for this lease that we went into assuming we’d be together. Also I broke my foot tripping over my son at the bottom of the stairs (he was fine, I wasn’t) and cannot walk on it after surgery nor use the crutches b/c my neuromuscular disease makes my arms/wrists ache using them. I’m dependent on his help (which he has been giving.)

I feel like a bird in a cage, and that pornography has caused my once loving husband to view me as an object. Even if we divorced, he might be content to go back to his porn like before we were married and not even miss me. Porn is NOT natural. People say sexual desire is natural, men looking is natural. Yes, but cavemen didn’t have internet porn. They had sex with REAL women, women who were not just objects to please them but people. Even if they were not exclusive and “sowed their seed” so to speak, it was still with REAL women. Even though women’s rights have throughout history been small, they were still PEOPLE. The aristocracy had affairs, but with REAL WOMEN. I’m not condoning affairs at all, merely pointing out that this age of internet porn is bad for the human race. This ability to look up every type of perversion and find it instantly at your fingertips is NOT meant to be part of the “normal” male experience, which is why it is so destructive.

It’s high time for real heroes to be represented in the media - men who are strong, capable, intelligent, and committed to their wives and families.

I wrote a post after watching the Go Daddy ads during the Super Bowl: http://sahdinlansing.com/a-tale-of-two-daddys/

Glad to find your blog!

There is nothing wrong with breast staring.

I’m sure he’d be happy to write a blog post about REAL men, but he’s too busy being the fearless leader of our little kingdom.

My dad got a kick out of the Super Bowl commercials. So much so that my mom called to tell me about it. He has a classic Dodge Challenger so the engine roaring, anti-wife statements in that advert got a standing ovation. That’s a generation when it was “normal” to slap the flight attendant/ admin assistant (always female) on the butt and ask for coffee.

Misogyny is out of style. Advertisers know that women are responsible for 80% + of the spending in a married household. I’d much rather buy a product advertised for a man who is a full time dad, full time provider, full time Prince Charming (which is the reality I enjoy living in) than some body wash to rinse away my “nagging.”

My husband can fix a car, change a diaper, steam the carpets, re-shingle a roof… and no one has to “nag” him or bring him a beer to do it. This generation of men don’t want to be the butt slapping, starched suit wearing, professionally drinking, 15 hour work day, absentee fathers their dads were. They *like* being with their wives and children.