Right about now young couples the world over are traveling to a family member’s house to visit for the holidays.  Many husbands will be staying at their wife’s parents’ home - here are some tips to avoid blowing your top with family that was never yours to begin with.

It’s completely normal to feel nervous and overwhelmed at spending the holidays with your in-laws.  Just remember, the holiday is there to relax, have fun, and build relationships with your family.

1. Be pleasant to everyone. People react to you the way that you greet them.  No matter how your last encounter with in-laws and your spouse’s siblings went, be nice to them and smile when you see them.  Get things started off right, at least.  Compliment the girls on their new hairstyles, and ask the guys about their new tools/cars/other toys.

2. Make room for yourself. Your wife’s family has been together for a long time - much longer than you’ve known them.  They all know where they belong in the pecking order and who usually does what.  Find a way to contribute to the holiday festivities, whether it’s helping with food, clean up, or wrapping presents.  If the family has a holiday tradition like re-enacting the Birth of the Savior, figure out in advance how you get to participate, and ask for clarification on things that don’t make sense.

3. Befriend the siblings. Chances are at least one of your wife’s siblings also thinks that Mom’s tradition of hand making Christmas patterned sweater vests for the entire family is a little bit hokey.  Use that to build common ground.  Having one of the siblings as a friend is one of your best resources when things start to get really tense.  You might find that they can lighten the situation with a little humor on your side.  They might also be kind enough to quietly explain to you why Grandma’s Jello mold is eaten every year even though no one likes it and Grandma has been gone for 10 years.

4. Learn selective ignorance. Every family has their established feuds and hot button issues.  After you’ve been with your wife for a while, you’ll learn what they are.  Do yourself a favor and stay out of them.  When they come up, subtly leave the room.  Under no circumstances should you start laughing when Johnny starts arguing with your mother-in-law about having girls over - no matter how many times you’ve heard the argument - you’ve never heard the argument before and it’s not funny.  Bonus tip: don’t tell your in-laws how to raise their children.

5. Join the holiday traditions. Is there an annual Christmas Day game of Monopoly that lasts for six hours?  Does her family take pictures of every single present being opened?  Does her family always light candles and sing hymns on Christmas Eve?  Join in the craziness.  These seemingly inane or repetitive traditions are built-in traditions in her family’s house.  Learn to love them and adapt them for your own future family traditions.  Even though they seem simplistic, these are the things that build families.

6. Plan “we time.” No matter how much your wife loves your family, odds are that she would like some time with you while you’re on vacation.  Make sure you plan some time where the two of you can be alone and have some fun together.  Get a hotel room for one of the nights if it’s a long trip.  Go out on a walk with just the two of you.  Give each other a special gift when you’re alone together.

7. Bring electronic backup. Your laptop, iPod, NintendoDS, and other electronics are your friends.  Bring them along just in case things get too scary.  Every man needs cave time, and being with the in-laws naturally brings out insecurities and a need to get away.  Don’t use them to the point of ignoring family, but having them is helpful.

8. Set your boundaries. Your in-laws may be very touchy-feely or just gregarious.  Know your limits.  If hordes of screaming children are not your thing, then pull yourself out of the situation before your nerves explode and you find yourself tossing a small child into the Christmas tree.  Don’t make a scene, but just pull yourself away for a while and read, go for a walk, or play a video game.

This post goes out to my brother-in-law.  A few months ago he married a girl that he had met only a few months previously.  He was previously married and had two kids.  His new wife was also previously married and had four kids.  Now, together they have six kids.  My brother-in-law is the same age that I am, 28 years old.

Six kids at 28 years old.  Kinda crazy, right?

Yesterday we landed in Utah to visit family for the Christmas vacation.  The brother-in-law picked us up at the airport and we went to his house for the evening, where the craziness ensued.  If you’ve ever been in a confined area with six children under the age of 9, then you can imagine the pandemonium that broke out when all the kids came inside.

Through the maelstrom, my brother-in-law and his new wife were happy, harried, and in love.  Even as they wrangled food for the kids, helped them pack for a winter snowmobiling trip, set up a pen for the two dogs, and got out a board game for them, they found time to kiss, touch, and generally show appreciation and affection for each other.

I hope that when my wife and I have children that we’ll be as capable and loving as they are.

I’ve been completely distracted by the presidential election.  So have all of you, don’t try to deny it.

In case you haven’t been distracted (or you are sick of election news) and are in need of some really interesting material to read, I suggest some of these very interesting posts over the past couple of weeks:

• I’ve been following Darren Rowse from Problogger for some time now.  He started a new blog this week called Twitip - Twitter Tips for Beginners.  If you don’t know what Twitter is, or you do and you don’t understand how very useful it is, then take a look at Twitip, especially the post on why we love Twitter.
• If you don’t know about Movember, or if you do and you were wondering if there really were that many guys participating in such a silly fundraiser, then take a look at Derek, Tyler, and DChristian’s pages announcing their participation in the drive.  Give some money to Prostate Cancer research!
• If you’re newly married, you perhaps haven’t had the opportunity to cook your own Thanksgiving dinner.  Perhaps you’re even a little concerned about it.  If you want to know what equipment you might need for that first Thanksgiving dinner, you might try Caroline’s post on What You Might Need for Thanksgiving Dinner.
• For one of those short, tug the heart strings kind of posts, you should check out my new favorite Dad Blogger - Mike Henneke.  His post about missed opportunities with his son hits home - hard.

Off to do more celebrating.  I got about as much work done today as I did blogging.  Have fun & celebrate a lot!

Today is my 28th birthday.  I’m still a kid.  It’s amazing to me that anyone listens to me at all, to be perfectly honest.

What do husbands want for their birthdays?  I can think of a few things that most guys probably want;

whatever kind of food that’s bad for him & doesn’t usually get to eat, a happy wife, happy kids, a little party, some cake & ice cream, a power tool of some sort, a call from his mother, a day off from chores, a day off of work, co-workers who care, little happy birthday surprises that he would never ask for, a flat screen tv, a dremmel tool, cookies, a drill press, a hug from his kids, those little hand made cards that kids make with macaroni and elmer’s glue…

A little appreciation.  We’re not terribly hard to please.  Even though we don’t ask for it, we all just need a little appreciation.  Thanks, ladies.

Oh, and for those of you who want to wish me a happy birthday, go for it - but if you could do one more thing, it would be greaty appreciated.  Notice the picture of Dick Van Dyke on the right?  It’s there because of the HusbandsandDads.com traffic referral contest.  Do me a favor and click on over, read about the contest, and participate, if you have a website.  We’re giving away free stuff…

Thanks to CafePress

This has little to nothing to do with being A Good Husband, but I was talking with a few people yesterday on Twitter and they mentioned my editing of Jenny the Bloggess’ swearing on her answers to my questions about what makes A Good Husband. Jenny even felt a little bad about being edited.

Jenny, allow me to explain.

If you’ve ever spent any time in Utah, there is a very amusing culture of swearing without swearing. What do I mean? I think many of you know - you stub your down, and say “Fetch,” instead of … well, any other word that begins with F.

Mormons are experts at this kind of language manipulation. We don’t swear, so we have to find some other inventive way of expressing intense emotional anxiety.

I started digging into my memory of growing up as a teenager in a Utah high school and remembering what my peers used to say.

Got Down Sat On A Bench. Son of A Bishop. Oh My Heck. Aw Heck.

Okay, so those are the ones that I used to be guilty of saying. Oh, then there’s the one that I still use all the time:

I started asking my friends on Twitter which Mormon swears they remember, they came up with some good ones (no, they’re not all Mormon - you Gossip-Mo’s just stay away):

@LeislB jimminy christmas, holy shinola, frizz, sunny beaches, fudge … my favorite “Oh, my biggest freakin’ heck!”

@deguia The best “swearing” is from kids entertainment. Thomas the Train: “Cinders and Ashes!” SpongeBob: “Barnacles!”

@granata Hacking, Son of a Biscuit Eater, Son of a Mother, Holy Shinto, shiggles (s**ts and giggles). Reminds me of A Christmas Story.

@circa1978 My wife uses “Oh flip flap”. Some more of my favs: “What the frick”, “frackin’”, “What the doodle”, “oh, stink”, “oh suck” …

@BackpackingDad “Moroni’s Trumpet!” I just made that one up :} (worth honorable mention, just for the “what the…” factor)

So, you see, Ms. Bloggess, when you grow up in this kind of culture, you kinda can’t help ya’self. I’m not apologizing for the censoring per se, merely justifying. I hope you won’t be too upset.

Now back to your regularly scheduled constructive marriage advice blogging. Oh, if I missed any (which I know I did) you might as well comment so that the collection is complete.

I decided that it would only be fair to have women wage in on the issue as well. After all, women have to be get to be with their husbands forever. We men might want to read and carefully consider what they’re looking for in a good husband.

From MooshInIndy (who, btw, is one of my favorite bloggers - I just discovered her a month ago. Everyone go tell her that she should stop by more often. She’s fabulous. Casey, I’m sorry, but I had to use that pic. You’re the one that put it on your site…)

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

To me, being a good husband means that your wife trusts you completely. It means that you are the first one she wants to talk to when she wakes up and that you are the last one she is thinking about when she falls asleep, it means that when something happens, good or bad, you are the one she wants to share it with. It means that she has enough trust in you to tell you anything, to feel safe in anything she may have to say. If she has something ridiculous to say, a fear, a joke, a worry, it means she doesn’t fear you mocking her or ridiculing her. If she has a genuine concern she needs know that you will meet her halfway, and validate her concern no matter how minuscule it may seem. Being a good husband means recognizing that women and wives are completely different creatures than men, and learning to love, nurture and coexist with them without annoying the ever loving crap out of them.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

The role of father and husband is being downplayed, it is being challenged and mocked. The media and the world would have us believe that men who can conquer all and be admired by everyone without being attached to anyone is masculine. When in reality, it is a man who loves his family, who loves his wife, who lives for his children and isn’t afraid to look silly for the happiness of another is where real masculinity lies. A man so confident in himself that he’s willing to sacrifice his pride to help those whom he loves most. (If you’ve ever seen my purse you’ll know darn well that my husband is over his ego enough to hold the huge multicolored Mary Poppins bag.) A man who can’t wait to get home to be with those who hold him in highest esteem. I love that my husband is a serious attorney all day, and yet comes home to sing my daughter the Tigger song everynight before she goes to sleep. “The wonderful thing about husbands, is husbands are wonderful things…”

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Find out quickly what makes your fiance feel loved. And for the love of pete, don’t ASK. Try out different romantic gestures and see which one brings that sparkle and light to her eyes that only you should have the ability to do. Don’t be afraid to look silly. Write her cheesy love notes, leave her gushy post-its around the house. Whisper in her ear that she looks amazing, that she smells good, that you’re lucky to be her husband. Make her dinner, do the dishes, plan an unexpected date. The more out of your comfort zone it is for you the more memorable it will be to her, your gestures don’t have to be public or outlandish. Find something secret the two of you share. Kiss her in the same spot and say the same words to her everytime you part, or fall asleep. Give her a nickname. Make it just about you two. Forge a bond so strong between the two of you that loving her becomes as second nature as breathing. But don’t forget to remind yourself how important breathing is, and how you wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her giving you breath. Wow, cheesy much? Yeah, but dudes? Lots of girls love the cheese. Promise. Try and give her a reason everyday to be more in love with you than she was yesterday. After almost eight years I am more in love with my husband than I ever was before his socks were in the middle of my floor everyday and his sweaty gym clothes were stinking up my hamper. I love him so much my heart feels as if it will burst if I think about him for too long. Don’t you want that kind of hold on your lady’s heart?

From Jenny the Bloggess (who, if you don’t mind the swearing, is absolutely hilarious - and blunt…and Jenny, I’m sorry that you were transferred for reasons totally unrelated to your blogging):

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

I got nuthin’. Seriously, I have no idea because I’m not a dude but I guess what I look for in a husband is his ability to make me a better person. You can replace “a better person” with “a good amaretto sour” and it would still be just as valid.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

I don’t think there are any. Neil Patrick Harris just played a Shoe Fairy on Sesame Street and knocked it out of the [fetching] park. Seriously, he’s playing a fairy and he’s hot and everyone knows it. If an openly-gay dude playing a singing fairy with a shoe fixation can still come off as masculine then I really think all bets are off. Now put on something pink and stop worrying about what other people think.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Backrubs are the best foreplay. Not *you* getting a backrub. You *giving* a backrub. If I had to explain that, your wife is pretty much [fetched] . Also, that chair is not a closet. And close the door when you’re in the bathroom. And stop asking me why my car is so dirty. It just is. Wow. I just realized you only wanted one thing. How about this: Listen to your wife because she’s probably always right except sometimes when she’s wrong and then maybe you might need to slap her around. If that sentence sounded in anyway plausible to you then you should probably not be allowed to get married.

From Nan at Shawnanigans (if you don’t know what BragOnYourMan is, head over there and read, then let the world know how great your husband/boyfriend/significant other is - praise works wonders):

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

It means loving your wife sacrificially, owning up to your mistakes, making finding out how to love her better a hobby and a life-long pursuit… There are so very many things that being a good husband means. It means standing up boldly when boldness is needed and it means being humble when humility is called for. It means knowing when both of those times are. It means saying sorry first. It means setting a tone of respect for the rest of the family.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

I think some of the biggest challenges to masculinity today are those men who give masculinity a bad name; men who confuse machismo with with masculinity. I bet you thought I was going to say something about the “sensitive man” being more of a challenge but I don’t think so. I think masculinity gets a bad name when it is equated in large part with crudeness, sexual obsession, bulging biceps, as well as poor financial choices and bad behavior, both of which are often mislabeled with cutesy phrases like “boys and their toys” or “sowing wild oats.” A man can be far from any of those things and still be extremely masculine. He can even cook, wash dishes and do laundry and still be incredibly masculine.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Do the right thing first.

Liss from TheFascinatingWoman (who happens to be married to yours truly, and is one of the most loving, longsuffering women on the face of the planet - I adore her, funny faces and all):

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

At the most basic level a good husband is faithful (emotionally and physically), fun, and loving. The particulars will vary from woman to woman but if you can honestly say that you believe your husband to be fun, loving, and he’s faithful - emotionally and physically - you’ve got a good husband.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

Masculinity is too often defined by it’s negative aspects. Therefore, instead of self-assurance we see arrogance, instead of gallantry there’s bravado, instead of deference there is lewdness. Also, quite frankly, masculinity is having to be redefined for modern life. The sort of physical lifestyle that lent itself to daily displays of masculinity has been replaced with a swaggering machismo because that sort of lifestyle is not a part of many “modern” countries.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Think of compromise as a good thing. Too many couples think of marriage in terms of winning. I don’t know a single happy marriage where score is being kept. In the happiest marriages there is almost daily compromise - but they are having such a good time being married to one another, and are so full of love for each other that it doesn’t occur to them that they are compromise. Shoot for that - and be okay when it doesn’t happen.

I’m still here, and I’m still alive.  There should be some sort of rule that says if you’re not a web designer or otherwise technical person, then you aren’t allowed to do your own Blogger to Wordpress migration.  The site is pretty much done now.  I’ve got a few more posts to move over, and I’ve got a whole mess of comments to copy/paste, but you can all come and visit me again.  I’d like that.

To the 100 or so readers who left me this week: come back, I miss you.  I’ve worked through my issues, and I promise to give you the attention you deserve.

To those who have linked to me in the past: please update your links.  WP apparently stores the permalinks differently than Blogger does, so if you linked to any specific post, then that link is dead now.  You’ll do us both a favor by updating that link.

Onward and upward!  More great posts and advice coming this next week.

AGoodHusband.net is relaunching with new design, new posts, and a whole new attitude.  Thank you for your time and patience, and please come back to visit soon!

Update: This Blogger to Wordpress migration was supposed to go very smoothly.  WP even has a button built in to do it, but for some reason it didn’t work.  I’m re-posting each article by hand as we speak, so it looks like there’s going to be a day or two of down time for the site.  I’ve had some really great experts look at this thing, but it looks like there’s nothing to be done but do it all by hand.  So much for ease of use, eh?

I appreciate everyone’s support and encouragement, and I hope to have the site back up to speed soon, although I will probably lose a lot of comments by the time I’m done.  Thanks everybody!

What do you do after you get in a fight with your spouse?  Do you buy roses?  Do you buy candy?  Do you talk it out until you both feel better?  How about sitting up with your wife all night long, listening to her talk, sitting by her while she reads and just keeping her company.  Would that work?  It has for us, in the past.

You see, sometimes your spouse just wants to know that you care.  Sometimes it’s nicer to just be there.

Marriages work best when you are willing to put in something that isn’t necessarily easy or convenient.  Sometimes your partner is stressed out, maybe even a little bit unreasonable.  Be there for them anyway.  It’s that simple act of caring, that staying up all night even though you have work in the morning, with a big meeting and a deadline that won’t budge - that’s what says you love your partner.

One might argue that you’d be better off if you were good enough at communicating that you didn’t get into fights in the first place, and sure, you’d be right.  Marriages aren’t perfect.  Mine isn’t, anyway.  It’s not really supposed to be, though, and that’s the thing.  In practicality, however, there aren’t too many marriages that can say they don’t ever fight.  Some people might even consider marriage without fighting akin to playing flag football: what’s the point?  I don’t really subscribe to that philosophy, but it is definitely the rough moments in life that make us who we are.

Cheesy metaphor alert: When I was 19 years old, my bishop told me that river stones, prized for their beauty and smoothness, become the way they are because they spend their entire existence being tossed around by waves, bashed up against other rocks, and polished smooth by time and water pressure.  We are like those stones.  Life washes over us, tosses us around, but makes us beautiful.  Be like the river rock, and just roll with it.

Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do, like staying up all night (you new dads know what I’m talking about, right).  Good husbands do it all night long.

8 comments:

Brett Nordquist said…

That’s very good advice. Early in my marriage I’d sit by but I’d run my mouth, ask questions and basically make the situation worse. Only lately have I been able to just sit back and listen or rub her feet or just be in the same room with her instead of sitting at the computer. Great post.

September 11, 2008 12:21 AM

Anonymous said…

Your Bishop is one smart dude. That’s memorable advice, visual as well. I’ll add a bit more advice: If you can’t just sit and listen but feel you are drawn into the conversation, “Bite your tongue’. If still you feel a need to open your mouth please have the decency to ban from your mouth the words: I, but, always and never. Trust me!

September 11, 2008 10:38 AM

Tyler @ Building Camelot said…

I wish my wife and I had more time to just sit and talk. With two kids we barley have time to brush our teeth! I like the analogy of the river stone…I guess I have a long way to go to get smoothed out because I still have some rough edges.

September 11, 2008 1:39 PM

MammaDawg said…

YOU.

Are a sweet man. It’s incredible how clearly you can see what works.

See it. Accept it. Do it.

Loooove it!

September 11, 2008 9:59 PM

Scott @ The Passive Dad said…

Can I be a guy for a second and say, “What’s that gutter cleaner remote control thing?” Do you actually have one? I hate cleaning my gutters and paying someone else to do it.

Ok. Back to your post. Yep, I try and listen more, it’s tough, but I’m trying.

September 12, 2008 3:39 PM

A Good Husband said…

@Scott - I don’t own that robot thing. It’s just a picture that I found online. Pretty cool though. I don’t have gutters, but if I did, I’d clean them with that thing.

September 12, 2008 5:51 PM

TheFatherLife.com said…

You’re so right; we guys are usually so focused on the big things that we overlook the seemingly little things that matter most… good post! - Ben Murphy / TheFatherLife.com

September 12, 2008 6:14 PM

TheFatherLife.com said…

And wow! Yeah, I want a robo-gutter-cleaner! -B

September 12, 2008 6:15 PM

I’ve been working from wherever I could steal an internet connection for the last two weeks. You see, with the recent move, Comcast decided that they needed 3 weeks notice to turn on the Internet, and then when I had to reschedule, they needed to move it out another 2 weeks. Can anyone tell me why there has to be a person who comes to your apartment to turn on your cable internet, even though the person who was there previously had it so we know there’s no connection problems? Free 200×200 ad spot on this blog if you can give me a really good explanation.

Now, this week:

1. Decide what romantic thing you’re going to do for your spouse this week. Could be anything. From as simple as giving a foot rub to planning a romantic date, to planning a romantic vacation, the idea is for you to do something.

2. Let us know what you’re going to plan by leaving a comment below. If you want it to be a surprise, then just give a general idea (I’m planning a date), or, if it will help you get rolling, leave as much detail as you want to.

3. Let us know what will motivate you to make sure it happens. Plan a reward for yourself, or plan consequences if you fail, but make sure that it happens! My goal as A Good Husband is to help inspire all the guys out there to go the extra mile, and, even more so, to make sure that I go the extra mile. I want my wife to know that she is incredibly special, and this is a great way for me to do that.

Last week I said that I was going to be there for my wife to help her paint our apartment. Apparently last week was bad timing for both of us, because neither of us put forth much effort to get it done. Does it count as a strike against me if my wife didn’t want to paint either?

This week I need to do something extra nice for my wife. Some long time readers may remember me talking about the heart condition that she has. This week she’s visiting the doctor. It turns out there’s some new research that shows some improvements in treatment of her condition. We’re hoping it will apply to her case. If so, it could be huge for us, especially for her. I’m asking for your prayers and your support.

We’re still supposed to paint this week, but the really big thing is helping her through the mess that is our modern medical system. Wish us luck!

3 comments:

Hayden Tompkins said…

“Apparently last week was bad timing for both of us, because neither of us put forth much effort to get it done.”

It just means you wanted to enjoy your new love nest!

September 8, 2008 8:24 AM

orlund said…

Internet companies want to make sure the cable is tightly screwed on by a fully qualified tech. It requires a high school diploma which some people don’t have. OK that’s a bad reason but if you like it you are welcome to paste my face in the 200×200 ad spot on your blog.

September 8, 2008 12:21 PM

Russ said…

Re: Comcast

I don’t work for Comcast, but I work for another company in their high speed internet technical support department and I can only speak for the way we do things.

With us (and probably with Comcast, too), we measure our calls with “first call resolution” agenda. This means that when you call, we want to resolve the issue without requiring you to call back a second (or third, etc.) time. In order to achieve this goal, we need to verify that all the existing hardware is working. While the representative on the phone can activate your internet by flipping a switch, it is generally not done this way. The reason is that if there is a fault in the cable run somewhere, your internet might be spotty, slow, intermittent, or it might not even work at all. This could require a second call, which generally causes more frustration to the customer, and costs us more than if we had dispatched a technician to come out in the first place. So, to save the frustration of going through the “it doesn’t work” back and forth motions, we will generally dispatch a technician for new service, even if existing wiring is in place.

Unfortunately, if given the choice, most people would elect to “flip the switch” and if it doesn’t work, users would get frustrated and blame the service provider when it was the internal wiring that was at fault. It is much easier for everyone involved to have a technician dispatched to the location to verify the installation and test the connection on site.

As far as the two and three weeks out for a technician to come on site.. well, unfortunately, the cable and phone companies have been quite busy lately with all the upgrades to high speed internet. We aren’t quite that far out with dispatches, but I’ve seen them go out as far as 3 or 4 days.

Hope this helps. =P