The one year anniversary of A Good Husband came and went without much fanfare (first post here).  This has been a modest project by any measurement, but I am glad that it has been met with well wishes by so many of you.  For the next few days, until after the New Year, I want to share with you some of the best posts from the last year.

The Effects of Pornography on Marriage is probably the most controversial post that I’ve written.  For some reason, despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary, many people feel that pornography is a good aphrodisiac or a harmless diversion.  The post elicted dozens of emotional comments before I changed servers.  You should also check out the Overcoming Porn Addiction guest post series by Covenant Eyes community manager Luke Gilkerson.

Over the past few months I have had several friends and family members get divorces. At least part of the reason for these divorces has been pornography addiction. Pornography is an awful vice that causes little but heartache and pain.
Forerunner.com offers some useful information here about the effects of pornography on those who view it. The following pieces are some excerpts from that article.

Psychologist Edward Donnerstein (University of Wisconsin) found that brief exposure to violent forms of pornography can lead to anti-social attitudes and behavior. Male viewers tend to be more aggressive towards women, less responsive to pain and suffering of rape victims, and more willing to accept various myths about rape.1

That’s more aggressive towards your wives, men.

Dr. Dolf Zimmerman and Dr. Jennings Bryant showed that continued exposure to pornography had serious adverse effects on beliefs about sexuality in general and on attitudes toward women in particular. They also found that pornography desensitizes people to rape as a criminal offense.2

Pornography depicts acts that are not part of regular sexual behavior. Men might feel they are not manly if they do not look like the men on the show, or if the women they’re with don’t look that way.

These researchers also found that massive exposure to pornography encourages a desire for increasingly deviant materials which involve violence, like sadomasochism and rape.3

Feminist author Diana Russell notes in her book Rape and Marriage the correlation between deviant behavior (including abuse) and pornography. She also found that pornography leads men and women to experience conflict, suffering, and sexual dissatisfaction.4

Women experience sexual arousal differently than men do. A man might watch a pornographic video or look at a magazine and be aroused. For many women, arousal doesn’t come without some sort of emotional element as well. In other words, a woman often has to feel emotionally safe and cared for before she is aroused. Pornography doesn’t do this and many men don’t understand that fact.

Researcher Victor Cline (University of Utah) has documented in his research how men become addicted to pornographic materials, begin to desire more explicit or deviant material, and end up acting out what they have seen.5

According to Charles Keating of Citizens for Decency Through Law, research reveals that 77 percent of child molesters of boys and 87 percent of child molesters of girls admitted imitating the sexual behavior they had seen modeled in pornography.

Sociologists Murray Straus and Larry Baron (University of New Hampshire) found that rape rates are highest in states which have high sales of sex magazines and lax enforcement of pornography laws.6

Michigan state police detective Darrell Pope found that of the 38,000 sexual assault cases in Michigan (1956-1979), in 41 percent of the cases pornographic material was viewed just prior to or during the crime. This agrees with research done by psychotherapist David Scott who found that “half the rapists studied used pornography to arouse themselves immediately prior to seeking out a victim.”

The Final Report of the 1986 Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography lists a full chapter of testimony (197-223) from victims whose assailants had previously viewed pornographic materials. The adverse effects range from physical harm (rape, torture, murder, sexually transmitted disease) to psychological harm (suicidal thoughts, fear, shame, nightmares).

By the way, all of this research applies not only to use of pornography during marriage, but also to the use of pornography before marriage, even if you stop.

Much of the research that is quoted above talks about pornography addiction. Like most addictive substances, people think they can consume them in moderation and never have a problem.

How likely are men to become addicted to pornography?

There are no hard and fast numbers for the numbers of men who are addicted to pornography but psychologists often say that addiction is a sign of a deeper issue. If pornography is interfering with your personal or marital life, I suggest you seek professional help.

1 Pornography and Violence Against Women, 1980.
2 “Pornography, Sexual Callousness, and the Trivialization of Rape,” Journal of Communication, 1982.
3 “The Effect of Erotica Featuring Sadomasochism and Bestiality of Motivated Inter-Male Aggressions,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 1981. 4 Rape and Marriage, 1982.
5 “Where Do You Draw the Line?” 1974.
6 “Legitimate Violence and Rape: A Test of the Cultural Spillover Theory,” 1985.

I am all for being green.  I love the beauty of the environment, and I definitely think that farmer’s market food is better than the under-ripe stuff you buy at the supermarket chains.  Other than that though, I’m not much of an environmentalist.

My wife, on the other hand, is totally into the whole, organic, slow cooked, home garden movement…thing.  She’s even reading this book, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle:

Where does the Turkey Porn part come in?  She was reading this book and wanted to share something with me.  I was engrossed in something else (probably writing for this blog), and wasn’t listening.  She insisted, and after a while, I gave in and listened.  She then went on to read, from the book, about how Barbara Kingsolver tried to get her turkeys to have sex.  It was a mystery to her as to why they wouldn’t breed, and she described, in great detail, trying to get the turkeys in every sort of…um, well, position, that she could think of.

Apparently five years ago there were no turkey sex manuals available.  Of course, now there are turkey sex manuals all over.

We were both laughing so hard that it hurt.

Lesson?  Be interested in what your spouse is interested in, even if it’s just in passing.  These are the moments that make for great memories.

Hi there! If you’ve come to A Good Husband with questions about pornography and your marriage, you might find the following guide helpful:

The Effects of Porn on Marriage - a quick review of clinical studies of pornography use. Pay especially close attention to the reader comments at the bottom. It’s a sad list of the devastation that pornography leaves in its wake.
Any Amount of Porn is Bad for Marriage - the title says it all. Pornography has no clinically proven positive effects on marriage.
6 Myths About Pornography - It’s not harmless, it doesn’t healthily stimulate sexual function, and it’s just as addictive as heroin. Covenant Eyes blogger Luke Gilkerson busts these myths, and others, wide open.
Overcoming Porn Addiction Part 1 - Luke Gilkerson’s great advice on how to combat porn addiction.
Overcoming Porn Addiction Part 2 - The conclusion of Luke’s series on how to fight porn.

There are also some great resources for overcoming pornography addiction:
Covenant Eyes - They distribute a software that will block pornography from your computer.
Traffic Control - a documentary on regular citizens’ war on internet porn.

You can also join the ongoing discussion on pornography at the HusbandsandDads.com message board:
Message board discussion on marriage and pornography.

If you have further links and resources that you would like to add to this page, please contact me via my About Page.

This is the third and final post in a series on overcoming pornography addiction. Luke Gilkerson is the community manager for Covenant Eyes.

In my last post I asked the addict several pressing questions. What do you yearn for—really yearn for? What is pornography medicating and distracting you from? Why are we so screwed up?
As a recovering addict, I am still hit hard with these questions. At one time, I was out of control, plain and simple. I wanted to know why I was out of control and what could be done about it.
Often just facing these questions is a daunting task. Asking them means we’re looking past the addiction and looking to its root causes, the sin beneath the sin. But this is where finding support from other people is vital.
Counseling
Professional counselors are an incredible gift to the world. Our hearts are like deep oceans of experiences, memories, agendas, and twisted beliefs. “A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out” (Proverbs 20:5). Good professional counselors are skilled persons of understanding. They can come alongside the addict and draw out the deep and hidden issues.
For many, a professional counselor can be a great step to unearth hidden sins and root problems—and I would highly recommend it for the porn addict—but the church must be cautious it doesn’t play the referral game all the time. Part of the reason why counselor’s offices are flood with Christian people is because many leaders of the church have backed out of their responsibility to teach and lead others the way Jesus did.
This is where the community of the church comes in.
Community
The addict must be nurtured in a community. There you can live out the incredible promise of James 5:16, to love each other through mutual confession of sins and prayer, and thus find real healing. Enter into a small group that has a vision for this sort of community. I strongly recommend that the addict find a community with age and experience diversity. It can be a very powerful thing to have a multi-generational group getting together with one another regularly.
Covenant Eyes
Live out Job 31:1, “I have made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.” I recommend the following steps:

1. Get accountability software on your computer. Covenant Eyes accountability program (www.CovenantEyes.com) will monitor all of your Internet use and send detailed reports to accountability partners of your choosing. This has helped thousands of people begin the process of recovery by helping them take their sin out of the dark of secrecy and into the light of a community.
2. Join or start a “covenant community.” Find others who struggle, who have struggled, and others with some years and maturity under their belt and begin a covenant community. As a part of that community, have everyone download the accountability software and share your reports with one another on a regular basis.
3. Collectively make a covenant with your eyes. Deepen your obedience to God: don’t simply stop with a clean accountability report. The goal is not just not looking at porn. The goal is to use your eyes in a God-honoring manner. Help one another to see deeper sins beneath the surface addictions. Make it your goal to help one another to grow in love.

This post is the second in a series of guest posts by Luke Gilkerson on how pornography addiction affects marriage and how to overcome that addiction. Check out yesterday’s post on the myths of pornography.

I wanted to point out this comment that was recently made on an older post. That post talks about the negative effects of pornography on marriage. Some people have made comments to the effect that a little pornography doesn’t hurt, that it’s only bad if you lack self control, etc. In response to those comments, I’d like to point out a comment made yesterday by an anonymous commenter. I don’t need to add anything else to it.

Anonymous said…

I have been married to a creative, talented, intelligent, funny (I could go on) guy for 30+ years. When we were engaged he told me he had been involved in both pornography (soft) and masturbation for (in his terms) a short period of time, but that he had stopped and wanted to stay stopped. He said he had as well spoken to someone about the “problem” as he did not feel great about it, and told me who it was.

As married life went on it became clear–to me, not to him–he had emotional stuff going on. At about 8 years an event occurred with his anger while he was home with our kids and I was out that made it clear it was not my imagination, and the kids were a little scared. But he was in denial, and that continued. By the time they were in their teens, it was pretty tense, and I discovered for the first time that the pornography use had continued. Mind you, this was not nonstop use, nor was it violent pornography.

He would try and try and try to not pick up pornography (before we had a computer at home) but finally break down and go on a small “spree.” Then there would be a period of abstinence. At about year 20 of our marriage he went to a clergyman for help; the individual told him not to tell his wife. That was a mistake. Working together has been the only way out, and would have solved the problem faster years earlier, and with far less anguish. He finally actually began to almost have emotional meltdowns at work; a nervous breakdown came pretty close, and once suicidal thoughts. It is an addiction of such sublety is is almost impossible for the sufferer to see what thoughts and feelings are, and have, been replaced with thoughts and feelings of other kinds.

He could not tell that he became a very different person from the man I married, though I knew that guy was still in there, somewhere. I must have have some help from a source outside myself, because many, many things came together first, so that I discovered what was going on, how bad it really was, and was able to discover resources to help. Those included meetings for SA (Sexaholics Anonymous),Covenant Eyes software, and many, many other helps. Our clergy were not able to help, unfortunately, and that was very hard.

My husband is a courageous man, and embarked upon recovery with everything he had. But addictions fight for their own “survival”, and he became abusive for a period of time, causing me briefly during several periods to be unable to live in my own home, for my own safety. He is aware that he has been involved in pornography since his early teens (initiated by family) making it some 40 years of use, and the longest he has made it without pornography is 13 months. He tells me that when this came out in the open between us about 4 years ago, his feelings were, regardless of what they looked like at any time in the past, that he hated me during the whole of our marriage. That is a terrible shock to hear from someone you love with your whole heart and have shared a life and a family with, and THAT is one–and only one–of the effects of pornography. He is, like an alcoholic, taking it one day at a time.

What he alone has gone through is not worth thinking about. What I have gone through, and what we together have been through is worth lifetimes of pain. Please, do not make the mistake of thinking it is just about finding a way to have a “healthy” fantasy world in a non-repressed way that has no effect on real life. The particular effect that sexual feelings have are such that they change how we feel and think in every area there is, even affecting how memory and logic are processed, because they are at the root of life, even though you may not be aware of the changes on a one-time basis. Be very careful of what you do with them: they are powerful to one end or another. Lust and love may look like the same thing, but their effects are worlds and worlds aparts. My husband and I are just coming out of a dark universe back into the land of the living. We know.

Every Good Husband wants his marriage to last and to be strong. Wendy Piersall’s latest call to action for CrowdSourcing inspired this post.

While I currently work as a sales manager for an internet marketing company, when I was in college I had just married my wife and I worked out of my home as a sales rep for a telecommunications company. The following is what I learned from my own experience and the stories of colleagues.

Focus on your family first. The reason most of us work is so that we can support our families. While our jobs hopefully bring us a great deal of satisfaction, we need to remember that when we’re old and feeble we want our spouse and kids to know us well enough that they want to take care of us. A good way to do this is to have a weekly family council.

Have defined roles for family members and for employees/coworkers. If your family members are involved in the family business, give them a defined set of tasks so that they don’t feel like the business consumes all life within its vicinity. Employees and coworkers should have defined roles as well so that there is not friction between them and family members. Set goals and have celebrations when you hit those goals!

Make sure you have a work area. It’s tempting to sit in front of the TV when working at home and just work while you watch. The problem with this is that it doesn’t put you in the proper frame of mind to be productive. You may get your work done, but you won’t be focused, you may make mistakes, and it’ll get done faster if you buckle down without distractions. Plus, when you have kids, a set work area that they can’t enter will allow you to work unbothered.

Make sure you have work hours. While one of the benefits of working at home is that you can set your own hours, having set office hours is a real blessing. One of my friends, we’ll call her Betty, works from home as a programmer, but she often works late hours simply because she gets up late or takes a long break in the middle of the day. Now, there’s nothing wrong with changing things up every once in a while simply because you can, but setting a regular schedule for yourself will let your spouse and kids know when you are available to play.

Leave work at work. Easier to do for 9 - 5 employees, but important for you too. For at least a few hours each day (and I don’t mean at bedtime), turn off the Blackberry, mentally put away your to do list, and focus on your family. Make sure your kids know you love them. Make sure your wife knows you have your priorities in order.

One woman in three will be raped or abused as a child. Odds are, men, that your wife could be one of them. People who have been through sexual abuse display symptoms of anger, flashbacks, disassociation, guilt, grieving, lack of trust, low self esteem and more.

Victims of abuse need intense support in order to work through their pain and shame. Unfortunately many men seem to think that women should just “toughen up” and get past it. What many men, and anyone who hasn’t been through abuse, don’t understand is that you can’t just get past it.

After speaking with many men who are married to women with wives who were abused as children, and speaking with some wives about their experiences, I humbly offer the following suggestions for supporting your wife:

Listen. Most victims of sexual assault won’t want to talk about or do anything about their abuse at first. They need to know someone will listen to what happened to them, and believe them without judging.

Be patient. One friend of mine told me that his wife waited for years before she was willing to seek counseling, let alone confront her attacker. During this time their marriage suffered from the stress of dealing with the assault, but he was kind and loving to her. Eventually she was able to work through her problems and they now enjoy a happy marriage.

Don’t push your spouse into intimacy. Victims of sexual trauma can go for years without experiencing aversion to intimacy. I’m not a psychologist, but what it comes down to is disassociating from the event. After a while a victim may let their guard down, and that’s when they start to feel scared. You may notice that your spouse suddenly becomes averse to sex or touching. If this is the case, then you must be patient and allow things to proceed at her pace - even if that means forgoing sex for a while.

Be fiercely loyal. Some men like to make fun of their wives when out with the guys. Don’t do this. When someone says something disparaging about women, say something complimentary. If someone makes a comment about your wife in particular, step in and make sure that person knows it is not okay to disparage your wife. When your wife knows that you are loyal to her, she will be more likely to trust you and your marriage will benefit because of it.

Avoid pornography. Linked to rape, abuse, incest, and a host of other evils, pornography is an insidious problem that causes women to be victimized and wives to despair.

Empower your spouse. Help her get counseling. Help her confront her abuser, but do it in her time and at her pace. Visit www.rainn.org for more details on how to help victims of sexual abuse.

A final note to women everywhere: You can get past your abuse experience. Healing is available, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Find the courage to seek that healing.

Over the past few months I have had several friends and family members get divorces. At least part of the reason for these divorces has been pornography addiction. Pornography is an awful vice that causes little but heartache and pain.
Forerunner.com offers some useful information here about the effects of pornography on those who view it. The following pieces are some excerpts from that article.

Psychologist Edward Donnerstein (University of Wisconsin) found that brief exposure to violent forms of pornography can lead to anti-social attitudes and behavior. Male viewers tend to be more aggressive towards women, less responsive to pain and suffering of rape victims, and more willing to accept various myths about rape.1

That’s more aggressive towards your wives, men.

Dr. Dolf Zimmerman and Dr. Jennings Bryant showed that continued exposure to pornography had serious adverse effects on beliefs about sexuality in general and on attitudes toward women in particular. They also found that pornography desensitizes people to rape as a criminal offense.2

Pornography depicts acts that are not part of regular sexual behavior. Men might feel they are not manly if they do not look like the men on the show, or if the women they’re with don’t look that way.

These researchers also found that massive exposure to pornography encourages a desire for increasingly deviant materials which involve violence, like sadomasochism and rape.3

Feminist author Diana Russell notes in her book Rape and Marriage the correlation between deviant behavior (including abuse) and pornography. She also found that pornography leads men and women to experience conflict, suffering, and sexual dissatisfaction.4

Women experience sexual arousal differently than men do. A man might watch a pornographic video or look at a magazine and be aroused. For many women, arousal doesn’t come without some sort of emotional element as well. In other words, a woman often has to feel emotionally safe and cared for before she is aroused. Pornography doesn’t do this and many men don’t understand that fact.

Researcher Victor Cline (University of Utah) has documented in his research how men become addicted to pornographic materials, begin to desire more explicit or deviant material, and end up acting out what they have seen.5

According to Charles Keating of Citizens for Decency Through Law, research reveals that 77 percent of child molesters of boys and 87 percent of child molesters of girls admitted imitating the sexual behavior they had seen modeled in pornography.

Sociologists Murray Straus and Larry Baron (University of New Hampshire) found that rape rates are highest in states which have high sales of sex magazines and lax enforcement of pornography laws.6

Michigan state police detective Darrell Pope found that of the 38,000 sexual assault cases in Michigan (1956-1979), in 41 percent of the cases pornographic material was viewed just prior to or during the crime. This agrees with research done by psychotherapist David Scott who found that “half the rapists studied used pornography to arouse themselves immediately prior to seeking out a victim.”

The Final Report of the 1986 Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography lists a full chapter of testimony (197-223) from victims whose assailants had previously viewed pornographic materials. The adverse effects range from physical harm (rape, torture, murder, sexually transmitted disease) to psychological harm (suicidal thoughts, fear, shame, nightmares).

By the way, all of this research applies not only to use of pornography during marriage, but also to the use of pornography before marriage, even if you stop.

Much of the research that is quoted above talks about pornography addiction. Like most addictive substances, people think they can consume them in moderation and never have a problem.

How likely are men to become addicted to pornography?

There are no hard and fast numbers for the numbers of men who are addicted to pornography but psychologists often say that addiction is a sign of a deeper issue. If pornography is interfering with your personal or marital life, I suggest you seek professional help.

1 Pornography and Violence Against Women, 1980.
2 “Pornography, Sexual Callousness, and the Trivialization of Rape,” Journal of Communication, 1982.
3 “The Effect of Erotica Featuring Sadomasochism and Bestiality of Motivated Inter-Male Aggressions,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 1981. 4 Rape and Marriage, 1982.
5 “Where Do You Draw the Line?” 1974.
6 “Legitimate Violence and Rape: A Test of the Cultural Spillover Theory,” 1985.