I don’t know exactly what happened in the last few months, but I’ve been reading a lot of chatter from various male bloggers that I admire. We’re getting tired of the ridiculous advertising pushed on the American man. Perhaps it was the Superbowl ads and their pandering to neanderthal men.

How many men are there that are just sick and tired of it? We are MEN, not beer swilling, breast staring buffoons who have been whipped into submission by our nagging wives. Most of us are intelligent, capable, loving husbands and fathers (except me - I’m not a father). Why do these ads not target our demographic?

Are you one of those guys that agrees with me? In the last month I’ve had conversations with several of them. I’d love to hear your agreement in the comments.

Brett McKay from Art of Manliness told me that he’s focusing on working with small advertisers who are responsive to the interests of more enlightened men (read: most of us).

Ben Martin from The Father Life told me he has reams of data showing that men are more interested in advertisements that don’t make men look dumb.

I recently read this post from Natural Papa where he talks about the need to focus on the good things men are doing.

I know Tyler Wainright from Building Camelot agrees with me.

So here, the question:

What the heck are we going to do about it? Is there an organization that we can all join to help advertisers wake up? Do we form our own?

The only way that these companies are going to change is if we make if financially feasible for them to do so. Why don’t we all just raise a big stink? How about something like a Blog Carnival about advertising to men and what modern men are now (and what we’re not)?

What do you think guys? (this was cross-posted at CoryHuff.com)

The Icon of Personal Development

Welcome to this week’s edition of the Carnival of Personal Development.  I’m happy and flattered to be able to post this week’s edition.

A note on how I picked entries, and we’ll call this my hat tip to personal development: I picked the first 10 posts that really grabbed me.  There were 68 entrants.  Some were good, some were really bad, and a few were completely off topic.  I read through the entrants until I found one that I felt was directly applicable to my life and I figured if it was applicable to me, then it probably was to someone else as well.  I limited myself to 10 because while reading about Personal Development is all well and good, going out and practicing is even better!

Enjoy this week’s posts!

Want to be a better trainer & leader?  Read Terry Norrington’s Become a Great Leader Using Your Optimism and Motivation.

Since I’m reading a book about Abraham Lincoln right now, I recommend Robert McHenry’s piece on What Abe Lincoln & Charles Darwin had in common.

Gabriel Girl hits the right note on Garage Sales and their cathartic value.  I’m a big fan of cleaning out my place once a year or so, just to get rid of all the clutter that is dragging me down.

Are you worried about someone making fun of you or interrupting you during your public speaking?  Check out Marcus Smith’s Will You Please Shut Up and learn how to maintain control of a room.

It often seems like some people get more done than others.  What’s the secret to being productive?  It’s not that hard, Writing for Your Wealth presents How to Be More Productive.

There is, perhaps, nothing more conducive to a well developed personality than gratitude.  Homemaker Barbi presents The 3 Minute Thank You Card.

One of the ways that we often find ourselves in difficult situations is by failing to act before a situation becomes a problem.  Evolve.Ever presents Be Proactive.

Another way to fall into difficult situations: Procrastination.  Super Sonic Success discusses this very topic in Stop Procrastinating.

After all that reading about being proactive and stomping out procrastination, you need to be a little kinder to yourself.  After all, you can only develop so much at a time.  Quantum Learning presents Have You Never Been Lazy?

End on a positive note.  Things are pretty crazy out there right now, with the world economy in a strange drift.  Momentor’s advice: Control What You Can Control.

Today is my 28th birthday.  I’m still a kid.  It’s amazing to me that anyone listens to me at all, to be perfectly honest.

What do husbands want for their birthdays?  I can think of a few things that most guys probably want;

whatever kind of food that’s bad for him & doesn’t usually get to eat, a happy wife, happy kids, a little party, some cake & ice cream, a power tool of some sort, a call from his mother, a day off from chores, a day off of work, co-workers who care, little happy birthday surprises that he would never ask for, a flat screen tv, a dremmel tool, cookies, a drill press, a hug from his kids, those little hand made cards that kids make with macaroni and elmer’s glue…

A little appreciation.  We’re not terribly hard to please.  Even though we don’t ask for it, we all just need a little appreciation.  Thanks, ladies.

Oh, and for those of you who want to wish me a happy birthday, go for it - but if you could do one more thing, it would be greaty appreciated.  Notice the picture of Dick Van Dyke on the right?  It’s there because of the HusbandsandDads.com traffic referral contest.  Do me a favor and click on over, read about the contest, and participate, if you have a website.  We’re giving away free stuff…

Image courtesy of sweepdaleg.wordpress.com

Over the last few days I have been watching the news intently.  I have had a keen interest in the financial situation and whether or not Congress would approve the proposed bailout plan.  With the failure of the bailout plan yesterday, there is a great deal of uncertainty in the market, and many people are wondering where to go.

I was discussing it with my wife last night and over the weekend.  She expressed some concern over the market and wondering what it means for our lives.  I have many of the same concerns.  I told her it would be okay.  I wondered to myself, however, if it really would be.

Without taking away from stay at home mothers, single mothers, or any other family situation I laud those men who are sole providers for their families.  It’s not easy.  There’s a great deal of career pressure when you are the provider.  It’s times like these that test men and force them to stand up and be accounted for.  Many men are wondering:

How will I lead my family in times of uncertainty?

How can I reassure my wife that things will be fine?

Will I still have my job a year from now, and if not, how will I provide for my family?

What will I teach my children about the economy, about money and credit?  Do I understand it myself?

Hats off to those men who tackle these questions head on without burying their head in the sand.  Hats off to those men who reach out to help not only their own families, but those around them as well.

Men, what do you think?  How do you answer these questions?  What other questions do you have in this time of uncertainty?

I decided that it would only be fair to have women wage in on the issue as well. After all, women have to be get to be with their husbands forever. We men might want to read and carefully consider what they’re looking for in a good husband.

From MooshInIndy (who, btw, is one of my favorite bloggers - I just discovered her a month ago. Everyone go tell her that she should stop by more often. She’s fabulous. Casey, I’m sorry, but I had to use that pic. You’re the one that put it on your site…)

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

To me, being a good husband means that your wife trusts you completely. It means that you are the first one she wants to talk to when she wakes up and that you are the last one she is thinking about when she falls asleep, it means that when something happens, good or bad, you are the one she wants to share it with. It means that she has enough trust in you to tell you anything, to feel safe in anything she may have to say. If she has something ridiculous to say, a fear, a joke, a worry, it means she doesn’t fear you mocking her or ridiculing her. If she has a genuine concern she needs know that you will meet her halfway, and validate her concern no matter how minuscule it may seem. Being a good husband means recognizing that women and wives are completely different creatures than men, and learning to love, nurture and coexist with them without annoying the ever loving crap out of them.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

The role of father and husband is being downplayed, it is being challenged and mocked. The media and the world would have us believe that men who can conquer all and be admired by everyone without being attached to anyone is masculine. When in reality, it is a man who loves his family, who loves his wife, who lives for his children and isn’t afraid to look silly for the happiness of another is where real masculinity lies. A man so confident in himself that he’s willing to sacrifice his pride to help those whom he loves most. (If you’ve ever seen my purse you’ll know darn well that my husband is over his ego enough to hold the huge multicolored Mary Poppins bag.) A man who can’t wait to get home to be with those who hold him in highest esteem. I love that my husband is a serious attorney all day, and yet comes home to sing my daughter the Tigger song everynight before she goes to sleep. “The wonderful thing about husbands, is husbands are wonderful things…”

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Find out quickly what makes your fiance feel loved. And for the love of pete, don’t ASK. Try out different romantic gestures and see which one brings that sparkle and light to her eyes that only you should have the ability to do. Don’t be afraid to look silly. Write her cheesy love notes, leave her gushy post-its around the house. Whisper in her ear that she looks amazing, that she smells good, that you’re lucky to be her husband. Make her dinner, do the dishes, plan an unexpected date. The more out of your comfort zone it is for you the more memorable it will be to her, your gestures don’t have to be public or outlandish. Find something secret the two of you share. Kiss her in the same spot and say the same words to her everytime you part, or fall asleep. Give her a nickname. Make it just about you two. Forge a bond so strong between the two of you that loving her becomes as second nature as breathing. But don’t forget to remind yourself how important breathing is, and how you wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her giving you breath. Wow, cheesy much? Yeah, but dudes? Lots of girls love the cheese. Promise. Try and give her a reason everyday to be more in love with you than she was yesterday. After almost eight years I am more in love with my husband than I ever was before his socks were in the middle of my floor everyday and his sweaty gym clothes were stinking up my hamper. I love him so much my heart feels as if it will burst if I think about him for too long. Don’t you want that kind of hold on your lady’s heart?

From Jenny the Bloggess (who, if you don’t mind the swearing, is absolutely hilarious - and blunt…and Jenny, I’m sorry that you were transferred for reasons totally unrelated to your blogging):

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

I got nuthin’. Seriously, I have no idea because I’m not a dude but I guess what I look for in a husband is his ability to make me a better person. You can replace “a better person” with “a good amaretto sour” and it would still be just as valid.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

I don’t think there are any. Neil Patrick Harris just played a Shoe Fairy on Sesame Street and knocked it out of the [fetching] park. Seriously, he’s playing a fairy and he’s hot and everyone knows it. If an openly-gay dude playing a singing fairy with a shoe fixation can still come off as masculine then I really think all bets are off. Now put on something pink and stop worrying about what other people think.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Backrubs are the best foreplay. Not *you* getting a backrub. You *giving* a backrub. If I had to explain that, your wife is pretty much [fetched] . Also, that chair is not a closet. And close the door when you’re in the bathroom. And stop asking me why my car is so dirty. It just is. Wow. I just realized you only wanted one thing. How about this: Listen to your wife because she’s probably always right except sometimes when she’s wrong and then maybe you might need to slap her around. If that sentence sounded in anyway plausible to you then you should probably not be allowed to get married.

From Nan at Shawnanigans (if you don’t know what BragOnYourMan is, head over there and read, then let the world know how great your husband/boyfriend/significant other is - praise works wonders):

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

It means loving your wife sacrificially, owning up to your mistakes, making finding out how to love her better a hobby and a life-long pursuit… There are so very many things that being a good husband means. It means standing up boldly when boldness is needed and it means being humble when humility is called for. It means knowing when both of those times are. It means saying sorry first. It means setting a tone of respect for the rest of the family.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

I think some of the biggest challenges to masculinity today are those men who give masculinity a bad name; men who confuse machismo with with masculinity. I bet you thought I was going to say something about the “sensitive man” being more of a challenge but I don’t think so. I think masculinity gets a bad name when it is equated in large part with crudeness, sexual obsession, bulging biceps, as well as poor financial choices and bad behavior, both of which are often mislabeled with cutesy phrases like “boys and their toys” or “sowing wild oats.” A man can be far from any of those things and still be extremely masculine. He can even cook, wash dishes and do laundry and still be incredibly masculine.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Do the right thing first.

Liss from TheFascinatingWoman (who happens to be married to yours truly, and is one of the most loving, longsuffering women on the face of the planet - I adore her, funny faces and all):

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

At the most basic level a good husband is faithful (emotionally and physically), fun, and loving. The particulars will vary from woman to woman but if you can honestly say that you believe your husband to be fun, loving, and he’s faithful - emotionally and physically - you’ve got a good husband.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

Masculinity is too often defined by it’s negative aspects. Therefore, instead of self-assurance we see arrogance, instead of gallantry there’s bravado, instead of deference there is lewdness. Also, quite frankly, masculinity is having to be redefined for modern life. The sort of physical lifestyle that lent itself to daily displays of masculinity has been replaced with a swaggering machismo because that sort of lifestyle is not a part of many “modern” countries.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Think of compromise as a good thing. Too many couples think of marriage in terms of winning. I don’t know a single happy marriage where score is being kept. In the happiest marriages there is almost daily compromise - but they are having such a good time being married to one another, and are so full of love for each other that it doesn’t occur to them that they are compromise. Shoot for that - and be okay when it doesn’t happen.

With the redesign of A Good Husband I got to thinking about what I was doing when I started.  Originally I wanted to know what other guys were thinking about marriage and what it means to be a man.  At the time I asked friends and family what they thought. What does it mean to be a good husband, a good man?  What are the challenges that men face today?

One of the great things about blogging over the last 9 months has been meeting some of the great minds on what it means to be a man.  If you don’t know anything about these guys who are giving their opinions below, then you need to take a visit over to their sites and get some great insights.

Corey Allen, The Simple Marriage Project

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

According to who? The wife or the husband? There may be drastically different answers from each. To me however, that’s the beautiful thing about the differences between men and women. If we all say things the same, how boring would that be? So what makes a good husband? A man who leads his family by example. His yes means yes and his no means no. A man willing to accept his wife’s influence in his own life. It seems many men are threatened by their wife. If I “give in” to her, I’m a wimp. Wrong, it’s not about giving in, it’s about being honest with her and her doing the same with you.  The other component of a good husband is a man who treats his marriage as important. This may seem like a no-brainer, but many men seem to think being a goof father is enough. You were most likely a husband before you were a father, and the fact is, your kids will one day leave you and your wife. Love your wife, pursue her heart, fight for her, even if this means choosing her over your kids at times. It’s a great example of marriage for your children.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

Men today lack good role models of masculinity. Their dads have checked out, or never were in the game. What’s modeled in society and Hollywood is often poor masculinity. But the biggest threat today is for men to become the “nice guy” rather than live from his heart. It’s often easier to keep quite rather than speak up. To give up rather than lead. Masculinity is more than hunting on the weekends, playing sports in your 30s or owning a truck. It’s about following your heart and inspiring your family to do the same.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Spend time learning how to listen to your wife. Laugh with her, love her, invite her into an adventure larger than herself. Now that you’ve “won her” by getting her to marry you, your pursuit is not over. Pursue her everyday!

Brett McKay from ArtofManliness.com:

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

Being a good husband means being a rock for your wife. Be the man that gives your wife confidence that things will be just fine, even when it looks like the world is falling in.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

That we expect so little from men.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Find your best friend and marry her and don’t hold off to marry until you think things are “right.” If you’re with somebody, you love her, and you can imagine spending the rest of your life with her, take the plunge. No need to put it off.

Brett Nordquist, the Nordquist Blog:

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

It means being a good listener and being tuned in to the needs of my family. This was easier when we didn’t have children. But with 4 kids and many distractions, it’s more difficult to focus on listening because my first instinct is to fix the problem. But the better I’m able to listen to my spouse and my kids, the better husband I become.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

I’m not sure this counts as an actual challenge but my daughter’s teacher was surprised I was the only father to go on all three field trips throughout the year. Is it still more acceptable to have mom’s take part in those activities or do we live in a society that makes it difficult for men to take off work to participate in their children’s education?

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Decide early on what your priorities are and communicate that to your spouse. I decided early on that my top priority would be my family. This means I’ve had to sacrifice a few promotions that went to people willing to work 80 hour weeks. I’ve told my wife and my boss what my priorities are which has possibly hurt my career. But the benefits to my family have outweighed any issues at work. It’s good to get this out of the way earlier on before you’re in a career that’s controlling you and your time.

Tyler from BuildingCamelot.com:

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

Being a good husband today is challenging to men because it requires being both sensitive to the needs of your wife while being strong and protective of her at the same time. The balance between those two can often be thrown out of balance by many different factors and can cause serious harm to both the husband and the wife. A good husband must strive to find the right balance between strength and support so he can help move his marriage forward in the right direction.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

I think one of the biggest challenges men face is trying to define what masculinity really is. There are too many men out there between the ages of 20 and 40 that struggle with defining what masculinity really is because they didn’t have a father in their life. If they did have a father he probably wasn’t much of one to learn from. Combine these men with women who grew up in similar households and men really begin to struggle with how to be masculine without turning out like their own father.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Just one piece of advice? After I wrote the five things that surprised me most about marriage and having my wife read it with mixed results, I’d have to say “be brutally honest with your wife”. Even if you’re scared of what she might say, it’s far better to be open and honest than trying to live your life with someone while trying to keep secrets. Honestly is not always easy but I’m beginning to realize that it’s easier than avoiding discussions and creating resentment in your marriage.

You know exactly who I’m talking about. I might be a little bit late to the game talking about this, but internet interruptions aside (I just moved and my connection in the new place is spotty at best until Monday, but I digress), I had to take a moment to respond to some of the morons that commented on Derek Semmler’s fantastic post on 8 Tips for More Action in the Bedroom.

It’s not what you think. Most articles with titles like these end up in magazines like Men’s Health or Maxim, and the articles are about getting vapid, shallow little girls to sleep with vapid, shallow little you. Derek’s not like that. He wrote an eye popping title for a post that basically amounted to saying something like, “Treat your wife like you love her, pay attention to what she likes in bed, and she’ll respond better than you think.” Many men know this. I thought most men knew this.

Boy, was I wrong.

Derek’s post hit the front page of Digg.com, which means he had about a zillion visits to that post in an hour, and while most of the female comments were pretty positive, it seems as though every cretin on the Internet found his way to the comment section and decided to let all of us know why the feminist movement started in the first place.

Take this comment for instance:

Apparently a man has to club a woman over the head and drag her by her hair back to his cave in order to be a real man. Wait, I thought that ended with Neanderthals. If these are the people who use Digg, then I don’t need their traffic.

And, finally:

It’s guys like these that give the rest of the good men in the world a bad name. Good husbands everywhere should feel angry about these men. Perhaps if we could just find them, drag them into the street and …well, not euthanize them, but just educate them, the world would be a better place.

8 comments:

Anonymous said…

Let me begin by saying that I agree completely that those comments are chauvinistic, and that we men should do all they can to show the loves of their lives just how important they are to us.

On the other hand, I don’t think we get anywhere good by comparing and competing. 10 hours more housework? Well, that’s just asking to be reminded of just how much other work a husband does, too.

We each have different roles to play. But when there’s love between two people, you learn to stop counting the chores and favors. That post IS great, in that it encourages men to give not only money and things, but also time and thought. Sometimes it takes that reminder.

But the title is the real problem. It marginalizes the roles by implying that her expressions of love are won by playing the game her way. Tit for tat. Favors for sex. It’s attention-grabbing. I really wouldn’t expect that post to make the front page of Digg with a more accurate/tame title. But don’t be surprised when it grabs the attention of the wrong sorts of people. Though, getting this message out to those sort of men is a noble cause.

The best comment on that post? Here it is:
“If you need this article, you have never had sex a second time with any woman.”

September 5, 2008 6:51 AM

Russ said…

Meh, thats the Digg mentality for you. Considering Digg users marked the Art of Manliness as spam, the comments aren’t really surprising. I’m with you; if that is the kind of traffic Digg brings in, I’d rather not have their visits.

I sort-of agree that the original article was more about showing your wife you care, but that in itself can lead to more (or better) sex, so the list was quite accurate and gave good advice.

September 5, 2008 7:28 AM

Untypically Jia said…

I’m honestly amused by all the men who can proudly stand up and say, “We don’t need to trade favors for sex!” But do you ever wonder how often your women trade sex for favors?

In plenty of relationship books, tapes, DVDs for women, they always say that if we want more emotional connection, help around the house, etc, we need to be having more sex. It’s not that sex bothers us, or it’s not great, but you better believe that if afterward we catch you doing the dishes, you’re gonna get it A LOT more often! So in a sense, we do work on a trade, and YES you do need to work with us.

And if listening to us talk, or heaven forbid taking out the trash, maybe those types of “macho” men should dish out hundreds of dollars to catch some STD from a hooker, just don’t bring it back home!

September 5, 2008 9:54 AM

Hayden Tompkins said…

Um. Can I just say I am TOTALLY turned on when my husband does some housework? It makes me feel appreciated and loved and cared for. I am filled with my love for him and our relationship and want to connect with him as deeply as possible.

It’s not so much the housework, as what it represents.

@Cory, this was HYSTERICAL.

“…the articles are about getting vapid, shallow little girls to sleep with vapid, shallow little you.”

September 5, 2008 10:19 AM

Tyler @ Building Camelot said…

Nice write up Cory. I didn’t realize that his article hit the front page of Digg. This article is the final nail in the coffin for Digg for me. I get nothing out of reading Digg anymore.

I just can’t believe that you’re calling Randy Savage a Neanderthal Macho Man…oh wait…nevermind.

September 5, 2008 9:29 PM

Laurie said…

Great points. I’m with Hayden. It’s what the help represents. And you guys need to remember, women are like crock pots. The more you pay attention to your wife during the day with a kiss as you pass, a sweet word, a special look, the more eager she is to be with you later in the day. It’s like having foreplay all day long! You guys wouldn’t oppose that would you?

September 6, 2008 9:12 PM

orlund said…

Good post. There are lots of men who don’t know how to treat women. That’s why I think it is so important for us dad’s to model a good relationship with our wives for our daughters to learn what a good man is. It is also important to build a relationship with our daughters where they will be open to talk about boys with their dad so we can provide them with our wisdom and influence.

September 7, 2008 8:51 AM

Derek said…

Cory, thanks for taking a look at my post and breaking down the reaction of both the men and women. If you want more alarming comments, take a look at those left on the digg site. Yikes!

I think that there is a growing group of men, including you and me, that are trying to educate and enlighten the men that act like this through the words on our blogs. As a father, I work hard to educate both of my boys as well to ensure that they learn how to treat a woman and have a healthy relationship with the love of their life.

Thanks again Cory!

September 7, 2008 1:59 PM

I was born a bastard. I used to hate it when my friend Jeremy would call me that. He did it as a joke because he knew that I never knew my biological father. He and my mother weren’t married when I was conceived, and he took off when he found out my teenage mother was pregnant.

My mother’s string of bad boyfriends ended, when I was nine, in a marriage to a carnie – you know, the guys who work at the traveling carnivals, running those whirly rides and conning kids into throwing their money away. He was a piece of work as well. For nine years I shared a house with a man who mocked and derided my mother and I, drank himself to sleep at nights, and modeled abusive behavior. I spent nights listening to them fight with each other, hearing him hitting her, and understanding that this was marriage.

People are often surprised when they hear about my background. They often think that because I am now Mormon that I must come from a perfect Mormon background. You know, perfect parents who read the Bible daily, serve in the local PTA, and are fine upstanding citizens. Not quite.

People often ask me how I got out alive. What enabled me to break out of my family cycle? Here’s what I did.

Service.

The first thing that got me started on the path of the abuse cycle was service. I was blessed with the opportunity to do some community service work as a high schooler. From that I was presented with the opportunity to become a two year volunteer missionary with the Chinese community in Vancouver, British Columbia. The two years of service allowed me to see the world from a different perspective, get outside myself and away from my situation.

New Role Models.

One of the other great things that came from my missionary service was the opportunity to work with men who modeled good marriage behavior. The man who led the group of missionaries I was with was a kind, gentle, and financially wealthy man who treated his wife as if she were gold. It was a revelation to me. I had never seen men behave that way before, except in old movies. I had always thought that gentlemanly behavior was something of an anachronism that didn’t belong in our times. I learned what a good husband could be like.

Education.

A well rounded education gave me the tools that I needed to become more self aware. When I read the classic writings of the world’s great authors I started to get an understanding of my place in the human race and the history of the world. I can see how my behavior compares to the behavior of the great men of the world.

Escape from Poverty.

George Bernard Shaw said that the greatest sin in the world is poverty. While that may or may not actually be true, poverty is at the root of many social ills. Poverty is the primary cause for a lack of education. Poor people tend to be obese, more violent, and less open to change. I’m still experiencing my own emergence from poverty, but knowing that I have a good job that will provide for myself and my wife has allowed me to change the way that feel about situations that I am confronted with. There is less stress about where rent money is going to come from, a more relaxed attitude about bills in general, and a willingness on my part to give to others.

Prayer.

Last on my list, but certainly not least, communing with the divine has given me a sense of purpose in my life, as well as a direction to go. Prayer has not solved every problem I’ve had, but it has certainly given me the tools to get up and work at solving my own problems.

I still struggle with my childhood. There’s a lot of insecurity inside of me when it comes to marriage. I still have nightmares about being like my stepfather, and I still wish that I could have known my biological father. Sometimes I act a certain way towards my wife and I wonder what could have triggered it – then I remember my stepfather acting that way. Luckily for me, I have an infinitely patient wife who stands by me through all of these struggles.

Being born an illegitimate child may have formed the framework for how my life would go, but it certainly did not set that framework in stone. Anyone who wants to can change themselves. Anyone can move beyond selfishness and serve others. Anyone can recognize the good in others and try to emulate it. Anyone can pull themselves up out of poverty, get an education, and learn to rely on the merits of prayer. Not only can you, but you must. If you want to improve your marriage and your life.

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Mahatma Ghandi.

This weekend, I’m taking everything I own and sticking it in someone’s truck and asking them to drive across town with it. That’s right, I’m moving. I hate moving. You hate moving. Let’s just get that out of the way, right now.

As a husband I find it difficult to maintain my cool with my wife when I’m moving. It’s stressful, and it’s expensive. Every time we move I think, “We have way too much stuff. Ugh.” Luckily for me, my wife, and our marriage, I have learned the fine art of asking for help.

No Man is an Island

It is the stereotypical male that stands around silently suffering doing things he doesn’t want to do, which are necessary, without asking for help. Old schools of thought imply that asking for help is weakness, less than manly. Guys, that’s just not true.

Wives are amazing. Especially my wife. She has got all the goods when it comes to intellect. When we decided to move, she swung into action, planning how we would pack, and she did all the packing herself while I was at work during the day. There was some limited help from me with the heavy lifting, but for the most part, it was all her. Seriously? Wow. She deserves that Cheesecake Factory Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake that I bought for her last night. Her only rule was that if she asked me to help with something during the packing process, I had to just say, “That’s a genius idea honey. Of course we’ll do it your way!” I then added a big cheesy smile like Dick Van Dyke.

The Law of Reciprocity

One of the funny things about the not asking for help thought process is that many of those men who won’t ask for help are more than willing to sacrifice to help others, but they refuse to ask for themselves. If you are willing to help other people, you should receive help in return. That’s how the universe operates. Luckily for me, I’ve always been the kind of guy that’s willing to show up for others when they need help moving. I can’t even count the number of times that I’ve helped friends move. I’ve moved a lot of pianos, washing machines, chunks of solid iron…and I’m not a very big guy, people!

My friends are there to help me out. I have to be one of the luckiest guys in the world. When Lissie and I decided that we were moving, we mentioned it to a few friends, and now we have 4 - 6 strong guys coming over Saturday to help us move our stuff. My wife has girlfriends willing to help her come and clean up. How great is that? We even have a friend who just moved into town, literally days ago, who is willing to come and help us.

God is good, and he blesses me. Prayer is a mighty form of asking for help. Plus, how can you feel less manly asking God? You already know he’s bigger, faster, stronger, and smarter than you. There’s no shame in asking someone like that! Of course, it helps that our church has Articles of Faith that deal with this situation. You Mormons out there know about the Fourteenth Article of Faith which states, “We believe in helping people move. Any size of house, any size of moving van. Yea, verily, and verily thus if there is a person within the sound of our voice who hasn’t yet moved, we will help them move and the Relief Society shall then bake them funeral potatoes.” If you’re not Mormon and you get that joke, well, then you must live in Utah.

Working at being an island is hard work. An acquaintance of mine knew that he and his wife were moving last week. He knew weeks in advance. On the day of the move, it was over 100 degrees. He didn’t ask anyone for help. He didn’t reschedule the move for a weekend so that the heat would be less or so that a few people could help. He and his wife moved everything on their own. I remember how cranky doing that made me. I can’t imagine what it was like in that kind of heat.

In all seriousness, fellas, it’s okay to ask for help. If my friends weren’t helping us, I’d be a angry, stormy mess and this whole moving into a new apartment experience would be much less pleasant.

This is a guest post from BusyMom.

Men? Blogging? What will they think of next?

Kidding.

While I’m not married to a blogger, I’ve been blogging a long time and many of my oldest blog friends are guys. Some are dads, some aren’t.

Since I began the whole blogging process long before people spoke of “mommy” or “daddy” bloggers, I’ve just always had my friends and my favorite bloggers and I’ve never really given much thought to gender, I just enjoy reading about the people to whom I can relate or to whom I have a connection.

For example, I love Child’s Play x2, Metro Dad, for who they are and the fact that they are good writers rather than the fact they are “daddy” bloggers.

But, lately, since “mommy” and “daddy” blogger labels are all the rage, I’ve given it some thought and it’s nice to read the male perspective on things, especially parenting.

I don’t think it’s a novelty that men are writing about kids and parenting, though. As a matter of fact, I bristle a little when people make a huge fuss over dads sharing things about parenting with others through a blog. Though I’m not a guy, it just seems a little demeaning to me that it’s seen as so out of the ordinary or extreme for a dad to document his life with kids, but I could be wrong.

I think that most men and women alike have always shared pride in their families in their own ways and blogging just makes it easier than ever for those who enjoy writing. To me, it’s got nothing to do with what is “manly” or not, but everything to do with how someone enjoys expressing themselves and connecting with other people.

Again, though I could be wrong, since I’ve never actually been a guy, and I don’t play one on TV, either.

Maybe there is a prevalent stereotype that blogging about your kids and family isn’t “manly” and I just don’t get it, but it sure doesn’t stop me from enjoying some of my favorite blogs.

We have 3 kids, and my husband really isn’t a writer, but he enjoys telling stories about our kids to family and friends, as well as taking pictures. He knows about my blog, but blogging just isn’t his thing and that’s fine.

I do I wish more dads would give blogging a try, though, they might find they like it and I’m always up for making new friends and learning from good writers. I encourage people to be themselves and find their own voices because there’s a great parenting community out there, no matter who you are.