Just in case you’re in a crunch for a date idea, here are four ideas that can be implemented with very little notice and that my wife has told me she found very successful.

- Dinner and Games. A candle lit dinner, made yourself or ordered in. Put on some romantic music and after dinner clear the table away yourself. Play some board games or card games for the rest of the evening and make sure you spend your time talking to her and listening to her. Easy to do, cheap, and she’ll cherish it. I promise.

- Argentine Tango Dancing. Even if you don’t know how to dance at all, Argentine Tango (the distinction is important - Argentine is very different from American Ballroom Tango) is the type of dance where you can pick up some simple steps fairly easily and spend the next couple of hours dancing. You can usually find a place that offers lessons before the main dancing starts. The Tango community is very welcoming and you might even make some great friends while you’re out. My wife and I went dancing for the first time just a month ago.

- Guilty Pleasure Night. Go to the video store and rent a season of a show that you both like to watch (like Scrubs, 24, Lost, or Gilmore Girls). While you’re out, go to the grocery store and buy obscene amounts of candy, ice cream, pop, chips, and chocolate. Go home and watch while you gorge yourselves, gab over the TV, and have a great time.

- Check into a Random Hotel Room. You can find some screaming good last minute deals on Hotwire - the catch is that you don’t know which hotel you booked until you have paid for it. You can pick general locales within your city and even the amenities you want. Find something with a jacuzzi and a view and don’t bother packing an overnight bag. The hotel provides soap and towels, so grab your toothbrush and go! Being in a new place provides a sense of mystery and fun.

I’d be interested in hearing from you, guys. What great dates (or terrible ones) have you taken your wife on, planned in advance or winged at the last minute? What worked and what didn’t?

Looking for more date ideas? click here.

Over the past few months I have had several friends and family members get divorces. At least part of the reason for these divorces has been pornography addiction. Pornography is an awful vice that causes little but heartache and pain.
Forerunner.com offers some useful information here about the effects of pornography on those who view it. The following pieces are some excerpts from that article.

Psychologist Edward Donnerstein (University of Wisconsin) found that brief exposure to violent forms of pornography can lead to anti-social attitudes and behavior. Male viewers tend to be more aggressive towards women, less responsive to pain and suffering of rape victims, and more willing to accept various myths about rape.1

That’s more aggressive towards your wives, men.

Dr. Dolf Zimmerman and Dr. Jennings Bryant showed that continued exposure to pornography had serious adverse effects on beliefs about sexuality in general and on attitudes toward women in particular. They also found that pornography desensitizes people to rape as a criminal offense.2

Pornography depicts acts that are not part of regular sexual behavior. Men might feel they are not manly if they do not look like the men on the show, or if the women they’re with don’t look that way.

These researchers also found that massive exposure to pornography encourages a desire for increasingly deviant materials which involve violence, like sadomasochism and rape.3

Feminist author Diana Russell notes in her book Rape and Marriage the correlation between deviant behavior (including abuse) and pornography. She also found that pornography leads men and women to experience conflict, suffering, and sexual dissatisfaction.4

Women experience sexual arousal differently than men do. A man might watch a pornographic video or look at a magazine and be aroused. For many women, arousal doesn’t come without some sort of emotional element as well. In other words, a woman often has to feel emotionally safe and cared for before she is aroused. Pornography doesn’t do this and many men don’t understand that fact.

Researcher Victor Cline (University of Utah) has documented in his research how men become addicted to pornographic materials, begin to desire more explicit or deviant material, and end up acting out what they have seen.5

According to Charles Keating of Citizens for Decency Through Law, research reveals that 77 percent of child molesters of boys and 87 percent of child molesters of girls admitted imitating the sexual behavior they had seen modeled in pornography.

Sociologists Murray Straus and Larry Baron (University of New Hampshire) found that rape rates are highest in states which have high sales of sex magazines and lax enforcement of pornography laws.6

Michigan state police detective Darrell Pope found that of the 38,000 sexual assault cases in Michigan (1956-1979), in 41 percent of the cases pornographic material was viewed just prior to or during the crime. This agrees with research done by psychotherapist David Scott who found that “half the rapists studied used pornography to arouse themselves immediately prior to seeking out a victim.”

The Final Report of the 1986 Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography lists a full chapter of testimony (197-223) from victims whose assailants had previously viewed pornographic materials. The adverse effects range from physical harm (rape, torture, murder, sexually transmitted disease) to psychological harm (suicidal thoughts, fear, shame, nightmares).

By the way, all of this research applies not only to use of pornography during marriage, but also to the use of pornography before marriage, even if you stop.

Much of the research that is quoted above talks about pornography addiction. Like most addictive substances, people think they can consume them in moderation and never have a problem.

How likely are men to become addicted to pornography?

There are no hard and fast numbers for the numbers of men who are addicted to pornography but psychologists often say that addiction is a sign of a deeper issue. If pornography is interfering with your personal or marital life, I suggest you seek professional help.

1 Pornography and Violence Against Women, 1980.
2 “Pornography, Sexual Callousness, and the Trivialization of Rape,” Journal of Communication, 1982.
3 “The Effect of Erotica Featuring Sadomasochism and Bestiality of Motivated Inter-Male Aggressions,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 1981. 4 Rape and Marriage, 1982.
5 “Where Do You Draw the Line?” 1974.
6 “Legitimate Violence and Rape: A Test of the Cultural Spillover Theory,” 1985.

Companionship Inventory

Each Sunday my wife and I sit down and hold a weekly review that we call Companionship Inventory. We’ve been doing this since the beginning of our marriage, just over five years. It’s important to do this with your partner weekly, independent of children. You can call it anything that you want, but it basically consists of the following four parts:

1. Weekly Planning

We whip out our calendars and (quickly) go over what we have planned for the week, one at a time. We skip repetitive things like work or classes and instead focus on what we’re doing during the evenings and weekends that will interfere with our time together or that we might need the other’s help or presence for. Specific items might include: dinner parties, things we need the car for, going out with friends so I can’t see you then, study groups, or a myriad of other things.

2. Business

Next we mostly talk about finances - what major expenditures we might have this week or in the near future, planning dates, housekeeping issues, future plans like long term goals.

3. Testimony Time

Companionship Inventory is a left over from when I was a full time missionary in Vancouver, Canada. As such, testimony time is a time to share with each other our feelings about what really matters - our spirituality. Some people may not feel comfortable with this, but for the two of us, it’s an intrinsic part of our lives and our marriage. Your testimony time could just include your thoughts on what’s really important to you or what you’ve been thinking about during that week. It’s often the most fulfilling part of our Companionship Inventory.

4. Compliment Time

My wife’s favorite part of our weekly review, we take turns telling each other one thing we admire about the other. We give at least 3 - 5 compliments every time, no matter how angry we might be at each other or how tired we are. It’s amazing how much complimenting the one you love does for your relationship. Whenever we have anyone staying with us we always include them in compliment time and they always enjoy it.

That’s pretty much it - it usually lasts less around 45 minutes. It may not be so for every couple, but Companionship Inventory is the single most important thing that we do that has helped our relationship.

1. Respect the Sanctity of Marriage

Put your marriage first. Whether you are religious or not, some things are just sacred. Marriage is very near the top of the list of sacred things. Society is built on successful families and successful families are built on a bedrock foundation of trust, love and fidelity. If every man in the world would treat his marriage like it was the most important thing in the world, above his career, friends, and hobbies, then so much of society’s problems would be solved.

2. Be Her Sounding Board

Listen to what your wife has to say. Sometimes she needs to talk to someone and that doesn’t necessarily mean she needs you to fix it. This has always been a difficult thing for me to do. Sometimes instead of having a problem fixed, women just want someone to listen to them so they can talk it out and work it out in their own minds and hearts. She might ask for suggestions or thoughts, but sometimes what she really wants is just a sounding board.

3. Show Respect and Withhold Judgement

Most likely (HOPEFULLY!) you respected your wife’s intelligence and capabilities when you married her. You should continue to do that. Women want to feel respected and cherished. They want to feel safe. If your wife makes a suggestion that you disagree with or find unreasonable, try asking her what she means, and do it in as kind a tone as possible. You might find that behind her unreasonable suggestion is a little nugget of wisdom that you did not recognize.

4. Know When to Make it About You

Every marriage should be built on the premise of making it about your spouse first. There are times, however, when an individual’s needs must be met before they can be capable of helping others. If you are really upset about something, don’t just bury it under manly silence. Tell her about it and ask for her help. Most wives will be more than glad to listen and care about you. You are not less of a man if you need help with a problem every once in a while, or if you just need to blow off a little steam. Indeed, I would say that most wives appreciate it a great deal when their husbands really open up to them about what’s troubling them.

5. Word Hard and Work Smart

Women are attracted to men who are able providers, protectors, and nurturers. They want a man who can and will be an able partner in life. It is fulfilling for a man to work hard and succeed at whatever he does. if the job requires more time than originally estimated, if it’s more strenuous than originally thought, a Good Husband will gird up his loins and redouble his efforts. Of course, working long and difficult hours when you don’t have to is less than effective. Think about what you’re doing and whether it’s actually worth it. Is there a better way to get it done? Can it be more efficient? Good Husbands use their intellect as well as their brawn.

6. Be A Leader

Do you have something you believe in? Do you hold to your convictions no matter what? If so, these are admirable traits in a man. I’m not talking about being obstinate or obtuse, I mean standing up for what’s right and convincing others to do the same. There is a whole industry built around learning how to lead, but let me just say this: if more men would take the time to help those who need a little direction, the world would be a better place.

7. Be Affectionate

Admit it. You like cuddling just a little bit. No? Fake it. Women need to feel loved and cared about. Give her a little pat when you walk by, compliment her when she’s doing some task, give her a kiss before you walk out the door. If you don’t know what kind of affection makes your wife happy, then I suggest you read The Five Love Languages. That book will show you how to find out what each of you needs in a relationship to communicate love and affection.

8. Care About Her Well Being

Not all of you will have to live with having a spouse who is chronically ill, but you will have to deal with illness, injury, and emotional distress. You should care about how your wife is feeling. She is delicate and sensitive. She needs to be cared for and it is your responsibility to do so. In addition to general health concerns, women feel better when they are allowed to be beautiful. Pamper her. I remember when I first got married and found out how much makeup and hair products cost. I almost went through the roof, but then I realized that it makes my wife happy, which in turn makes me happy.

9. Be Generous and Fair

I take care of the family finances in our household and I always make sure that my wife has some money. Whoever takes care of the money in your house, make sure that your wife is cared for and not deprived. Buy her treats and presents. Be liberal with your household budget and trust that she will be careful with the hard earned money. It’s amazing what a woman can do with a home when she is allowed free reign with decorating and arranging.

10. Think Like a Team

However you have worked out your roles within the household, whether one works and one stays home with the kids, or both work, you are a team working towards a common goal. Do you have goals? My wife and I sit down each Sunday afternoon and have family counsel. We talk about our plans for the week, how we can help each other, any business that needs to be discussed, and then we share at least 3 three things we like about each other. It usually takes about 30 minutes but it’s an integral part of our marriage.

Do you have any other suggestions?

Back in 1995, the leaders of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, announced a new document entitled The Family: A Proclamation to the World. With the definitions of family changing so much in the last 30 - 40 years there was a need for a proclamation like this. It’s a stand on what families are. Whether you believe in God or not these are principles of good relationships that every Good Husband needs to live by.

Since I am not a father I would like to just mention some of the Good Husband principles that appear in the Proclamation.

Marriage is ordained of God. Marriages are marked by ceremony to signify that both people in the relationship are making a lifelong commitment to each other. It is sacred and should be treated as such. It makes a big difference in a commitment if you are being held accountable for something that is bigger than you.

People are sacred. If you treat life with the sanctity that it deserves, you will never strike your wife. You’ll do your best to ensure her happiness and well being at all times. If she is sacred, then your marriage will also be sacred.

Gender is an inherent quality. If men and women are inherently different, then it’s possible that they have different roles in relationships. I think the best relationships recognize this and that couple will discuss what roles they will take in their relationships.

Families are eternal. The bond of marriage has the potential to last beyond this life, so decisions made here will affect whether or not families will be together beyond the realm of death.

Much has been spoken of keeping balance between work and family life. I’m not really an expert on balancing acts, but I do believe that I have been able to achieve a certain amount of balance in my own life.

There’s a picture, on Tim Ferris’ latest blog, of a Blackberry advertisement with the caption, “Take the whole company with you on this trip.”

…whoa…

Seriously? Why would you want to do that? I know it’s called the Crackberry and all, but I can’t believe how many people there are out there who refuse to take control of their own lives and stop allowing companies to dictate the terms of their own lives.

I’ll probably make some people angry by saying this, but if you think your life is being dictated by someone besides yourself…then you’re wrong. The only person who can dictate the terms of your life are you. You make the decision. You are the decider for your life.

You can make excuses. You can say, “But I need this job” or “I can’t find another job” but those are just your fears talking.

Decide what you want.

More time for personal hobbies?

Want to be an artist?

How about more time with your family?

I’m not yet 30 but I know that the answer to all of these questions is yes. When the company I worked for right out of college wanted to part ways with me because I didn’t want to work the same outrageous hours as the rest of the sales department I knew that it was time to go my own way.

I spent the Summer of 2007 traveling with my wife. We did the whole West Coast from Portland to Los Angeles and had a great time. On the left is a picture of me in the Redwood National Forest.

After arriving in Oregon it took a little bit of time to do it but I was able to find a job where I make a full time income on just 6 hours a day. Everyone goes home at 3 PM. Even the management. It’s a great company.

I don’t say that to brag about how great I am. What I mean to say is that I’m where I am at in my life because I intended it. I know what kind of lifestyle I want to live. I want to be able to pursue the Theatre as an art, to contribute to a meaningful world dialogue through my art, and I also want to be able to spend an exorbitant amount of time with my beautiful wife. I look at everything I do through this lens, then…

…if it doesn’t fit, then I must a-quit.

Balance comes not so much in scheduling everything the right way with Google Calendar, but in setting your sights and achieving. Right now my wife wants to play Backgammon, so I figure I’ve gone on long enough.

The Internet has provided a breeding ground for opinions. That’s one of the great things about it. Unfortunately with the proliferation of “Web 2.0″ there has come with it a proliferation of negativity.

I was totally shocked the other day to come across a blog that actually promotes the idea of husband bashing. At the top of the blog it says:

“Please do not assume to understand the relationships between the contributors and their spouses based on the content of this blog.”

Now, far be it from me to judge, but what is this girl thinking? She’s telling people not to judge what they say about their spouses…while they themselves pass rather harsh judgement on their own spouses.

This is exactly the kind of thing that I was talking about in my Where Do We Go From Here post. There are a great many web posts on how men are bad, cheats, or poor decision makers. Do we really need another one telling us?

The question then becomes this: Where do we find positive reinforcement that we so desperately need?