One woman in three will be raped or abused as a child. Odds are, men, that your wife could be one of them. People who have been through sexual abuse display symptoms of anger, flashbacks, disassociation, guilt, grieving, lack of trust, low self esteem and more.

Victims of abuse need intense support in order to work through their pain and shame. Unfortunately many men seem to think that women should just “toughen up” and get past it. What many men, and anyone who hasn’t been through abuse, don’t understand is that you can’t just get past it.

After speaking with many men who are married to women with wives who were abused as children, and speaking with some wives about their experiences, I humbly offer the following suggestions for supporting your wife:

Listen. Most victims of sexual assault won’t want to talk about or do anything about their abuse at first. They need to know someone will listen to what happened to them, and believe them without judging.

Be patient. One friend of mine told me that his wife waited for years before she was willing to seek counseling, let alone confront her attacker. During this time their marriage suffered from the stress of dealing with the assault, but he was kind and loving to her. Eventually she was able to work through her problems and they now enjoy a happy marriage.

Don’t push your spouse into intimacy. Victims of sexual trauma can go for years without experiencing aversion to intimacy. I’m not a psychologist, but what it comes down to is disassociating from the event. After a while a victim may let their guard down, and that’s when they start to feel scared. You may notice that your spouse suddenly becomes averse to sex or touching. If this is the case, then you must be patient and allow things to proceed at her pace - even if that means forgoing sex for a while.

Be fiercely loyal. Some men like to make fun of their wives when out with the guys. Don’t do this. When someone says something disparaging about women, say something complimentary. If someone makes a comment about your wife in particular, step in and make sure that person knows it is not okay to disparage your wife. When your wife knows that you are loyal to her, she will be more likely to trust you and your marriage will benefit because of it.

Avoid pornography. Linked to rape, abuse, incest, and a host of other evils, pornography is an insidious problem that causes women to be victimized and wives to despair.

Empower your spouse. Help her get counseling. Help her confront her abuser, but do it in her time and at her pace. Visit www.rainn.org for more details on how to help victims of sexual abuse.

A final note to women everywhere: You can get past your abuse experience. Healing is available, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Find the courage to seek that healing.

During our roadtrip my wife and I were talking about her parents. They are wonderful people and I can’t help but respect them. I have a great relationship with them. Here are my tips for getting along with your in-laws:

• Respect your wife’s father. My father in law is a man of large stature and imposing disposition. It was easy to defer to him, because when I first started dating my wife he scared the heck out of me – he’s a very large man. Treat him like your own father and ask him for advice, help, or to sit and watch a football game.
• Compliment your wife’s mother. Remember men, in all likelihood, this woman is how your wife is going to be in 20 – 30 years. Get to know her and find a way to respect her and her opinions. My mother in law is an amazing seamstress, so I respect her talents and let her know. She also has a sense of humor that is similar to mine, so I laugh at her jokes.
• Remember that your wife is not her parents. When your in-laws do something that you might consider boneheaded, don’t relate that to your wife. She’s a different person and, like all of us, already knows the boneheaded mistakes that her parents make all the time. She’s probably making a conscious effort to not make those same mistakes.
• If you didn’t like your in-laws before you got married, change your attitude. You’re stuck with the in-laws for the rest of their lives, which, after watching the Barbara Walters special the other night, could be for the next 100+ years. If you believe in life after death, then you’re stuck with them forever. Do yourself a favor and realize that it takes two to argue, so just don’t do it. Find a way to change your thinking.
• Set your boundaries early. This one I learned from my wife. After we got married, my mother was constantly asking when we were going to have kids. Lissie had to have a little discussion with her to let her to let her know that it wasn’t okay to pry, and that we’ll let her know when we’re thinking about it. It was a respectful dialogue, but people still got a little upset. I know it’s hard, but you have to set those boundaries early. Trust me, you’ll be glad after 5+ years of marriage.
• Practice restraint. If something really irritates you, find some space and think about it for a day or two before you say something. My in laws have some rules in the house for their other kids that don’t make any sense to me and sometimes they seem a bit draconian, but I generally don’t say anything. They’re not my kids and I want to maintain peace between us. No one’s getting hurt or being deprived in a serious way, so I don’t say anything.
• Don’t tell your in-laws anything about your marriage. I know this seems crazy, but it’s another thing I learned from my wife and her family. We decided, at Lissie’s behest, to not tell her family about fights we were having or money problems. Some things slipped out, but for the past five years Lissie has come across as the “good daughter” in comparison with her siblings, and her parents love me. We never get unsolicited advice, and we never hear about her parents talking negatively about either one of us (and believe me, with Lissie’s 8 siblings, we would hear about it).
• Be loyal to your spouse. This may apply more to your spouse than you. Your wife needs to be loyal to you over her parents (and you to her over your parents). Marriage is about being completely committed to each other, before anyone else. If your in-laws are being rude to your spouse, it’s your responsibility to step in and defend your spouse. You can do it in a polite way, but it’s not okay to allow your parents to attack your spouse in any way.
• Don’t get involved in family disputes. There are some issues between your spouse and her parents that you shouldn’t step into: all of them. That’s just a quagmire that you have no business getting involved in. Trust me. You can talk to your spouse about it if she asks you, when the in-laws are not around (read: not in the same city), but I generally limit my response in these discussions to supportive head nods and short answers to direct questions.
• Have fun with the siblings. I like my wife’s siblings, most of them. I regularly kick her brother’s butt at chess, discuss fantasy novels with her other brother, wrestle with her sister, and play with most of the family. There’s going to be times when you don’t get along with some of them, but they’re family, for better or worse, so you had better learn to have fun with them, or you’re going to regret it.

Work was ending yesterday and I was excited because I was heading out with a coworker for an evening of watching manly men beat each other with their fists (UFC is a guilty pleasure). Before logging off of my work computer I checked my personal email.

Message from my wife. She was asking me to come home for a while before I headed out with my friends. She wasn’t feeling well and needed a little tender loving care.

At this point, like most men, several thoughts run through my head. “She knew I had plans this evening … What could be this important … Is she actually ill …” and, of course, the king of these kind of thoughts, “What would happen if I didn’t go home…?”

All of these thoughts passed through my head in a moment. I turned to my coworker and told him that my wife needed me to come home and I would catch up to him later. He was kind enough to not even laugh at me (He’s married and therefore understands…I think).

As some of you know, my wife has a chronic heart condition. After I got home my wife really was rather unwell. She had a bad day. I sat with her and listened to her for about 45 minutes. I just sat and listened, and after she asked questions I made her laugh a little, then made a few suggestions. I didn’t try to fix her problem and I mostly just listened, held her, and made sure she knew that I cared.

By the time we were done, she was smiling and laughing. She even thanked me profusely for coming home and for caring and being kind, acknowledging that she knew that I had plans that evening and didn’t want to keep me from them any longer. It wasn’t that the problem was all gone, but that she felt listened to and cared about.

All told, it took about 90 minutes from the time I walked in the door. After I left, I made it to the UFC fight on time to catch the whole thing and had a great time.

I share this story not because I want to toot my own horn, but because it was a wonderful day in my married life. It was simple, easy, and it brought my wife and I both great joy.

How could you not love that?

The thing is, this story makes it seem so simple. It almost makes our marriage seem perfect. While our marriage is wonderful, it took a lot of work to get to that point, and it’s not perfect yet. Last month I wrote a post about the duties of a husband. In that post I mentioned that your spouse has to be a higher priority than your work, volunteer organizations like church, or your social calendar. The only thing that comes before your spouse is God, and taking care of your self.
Putting my wife first is something that I had to learn the hard way. Shortly after we were married I was working at a retail job and had the responsibility of closing up the store. My wife was really upset and not feeling well and she called and asked me to come home right away. I told her I couldn’t because I had to close the store. We got into a big fight about it on the phone and when I eventually did get home, we fought about it more. It was a sore spot in our marriage for months afterward.

In retrospect I see that the mistake was mine. Of course my wife has to come before my job (it’s not like I was performing surgery on someone), and of course my wife should come before fight night with the guys.

It seems obvious, but I can say the difference between the two situations is that at some point I made the decision to put her first. There have been many instances when I have needed to put my wife first since that early point in our marriage, and every time I put her first, I have never regretted it. I have, however, regretted the times that I did not put her first.

I said it before, and I’ll say it again: No one ever gets to the end of their life and says, “I wish I had spent more time on my career.”

I went to bed last night with a clear conscience, peace of mind, and a loving wife next to me. I am grateful that I made the choices I did and hope to make the same ones in the future.

The following is a guest post by Scott Hepburn

We’ve all heard the cliché that a job interview is a lot like courtship. There’s that awkward period when you meet. You get to know each other, loosen up a little, and if there’s a connection, you make a commitment – the marriage of employer and employee.

Scott Hepburn is a veteran copywriter for PRstore, a full-service retail marketing franchise with 41 stores in 18 states. He has been married for six years and, much to his surprise, hasn’t been kicked to the curb yet. He blogs at http://prstore.typepad.com.

This is a guest post from Lissie at The Fascinating Woman.

First off, there is no such thing as a “time of the month.” It does not matter that you have years of evidence to counteract my statement. Want a smooth home life? Then there is no time of the month, instead there are bad days, even a bad week or two. Everybody has those - even men.

Secondly, the only way to make real strides with your wife’s behavior on her bad days is to give her the loving support she needs on her good days. The areas with the biggest impact will be listening ( i know, groan,) general helpfulness and speaking her love language.

Listening. Raise your hand if you’ve ever heard, “you never listen!” Great! Which of course means that you are capable of listening, otherwise you wouldn’t have known to raise your hand, right? Here’s a secret, “you never listen” is code for “you don’t give me your undivided attention when I’m talking to you” and “you aren’t remembering what I said which must mean that I’m way less important to you than the guys on Sports Center, so why don’t you just marry them! They can clean your dirty socks!” But those are both a bit long, so instead we say, “you never listen.”

Here’s what you do to fix the problem. Every day-every single day-you give your wife 10 minutes of your undivided attention. Set a timer. Maybe it will be at the same time, maybe not, but it must be every day and it must be undivided - no playing with the dog, looking at Facebook, catching the basketball highlights, scanning the newspaper - UNDIVIDED attention. Then you listen. When 10 minutes is up you’re “off the hook.” She can finish her sentence, but not start a new one. Do this for one month and two amazing things will happen - your wife will talk less and you’ll remember what it is she said.

When she’s having a bad day set the timer for 30 minutes, or have several 10 minute sessions. She will get upset. She will say something like, “I’m not a boiled egg. I don’t have a timer on my feelings or on how long I want to talk.” Just let it roll right off you. Tell her you love her and of course she’s not a boiled egg (resist the impulse to make a joke here…RESIST IT!). Tell her it has nothing to do with her, you just love her so much you want to make sure that you are giving her your undivided attention - which can only last so long. She’ll sniff and say something like, “You seem fine to give your undivided attention for three hours to a game.” I know she’s just baiting you, but don’t bite, instead take a deep breath and say, “what do you want me to do?” “I don’t know,” she’ll plaintively say. Think of how much you wanted to be with this woman forever and gently say to her, “would you like a bath, or some pizza, should we watch a movie, etc.” This is the correct response. Offer something she generally likes but won’t involve you having to listen anymore - what’s that? Yes, this is the same tack you used while you were dating. Yes, it still works.

General Helpfulness. This means something different to every woman. But I bet you know the ones that matter to your woman. Go on, tick them off. (Let’s see . . . be home on time, take the trash out, clear the table when I’m done, put the socks in the dark colors hamper, hang up my towel, return library books on time, etc.) Here’s how it works, imagine you’re a supervisor or you work in some sort of hierarchal environment, now imagine that almost every day the same employee won’t put the paperwork in the right slot, won’t put the tools back in the toolbox, won’t speak kindly to the customers, etc. Is he your favorite? Of course not.

Speaking Her Love Language. I understand that “A Good Husband” already recommended The Five Love Languages. It’s an excellent book, but you don’t necessarily need to read the whole thing, instead take the quiz. Only the really confused won’t know what their love language is. Personally, I like to be praised, to be helped, to have quality time with my husband, to receive love letters and chocolates and I may be sad on occasion if I’m not getting enough, but the only thing that is going to make me really crabby is not being touched enough. For this reason I tend to be clingy when I’m having a bad day (or standoffish but it’s really obvious which way I’m feeling) I mean attached at the arm, side, hip and leg clingy. Can’t get enough attention. It happens every time, but it happens much, much more if during the preceding weeks I wasn’t touched enough. For this reason my husband’s go-to response when I won’t be comforted is, “May I give you a foot rub?”

Thirdly, and lastly, sometimes you just need reinforcements. Which means other women, something sweet (usually chocolate,) and something salty. If she won’t call her friends you can call them for her - she may even be annoyed with you at first, but it’ll pass. (If her friends are busy though don’t tell her you called them and they couldn’t come, not unless you want a gelatinous mess of her tears, your sweat and ground up tooth enamel to deal with.) When she isn’t having a bad day encourage her to hang out with her girl friends (or to make some.) Depending on the woman it may take some time. Remain encouraging, it’s in your best interest. A woman who regularly has time with uplifting girl friends is generally happy, cheerful, kind and less talkative at home.

For Wives:

Just because he now remembers what you said does not mean that he agrees with you, that’ll have to be worked out on it’s own. But don’t accuse him of “never listening” instead say what you actually mean, example: “the fact that you refuse to ever buy me something I want for my birthday makes me feel like you don’t care. if you want to surprise me on my birthday then I would like to receive other gifts, or at least spending money, throughout the year”

Praise his helpfulness. Any helpfulness.

Respect his time and attention. Ask politely on days you need more attention, and don’t ask when he’s in the middle of something. If after three months you find that you need a larger chunk of undivided attention daily, ask for it politely. Be aware though, what you really might need is something else. Like for everyone to eat dinner together at the table. Or to go out on dates. Or to have the children spend two-four hours quality time with their Father so you can have quality time with yourself. (Start with two hours, and add more.)

Get a pain reliever that helps you if you need it. Personally, I use Pamprin Multi-Symptom, and I take at least one every day during “that” week to help me be more rational. Also, if your method of birth control is making things worse consider getting a different one.

Have girl time. You need it. Your husband needs you to have it. Have girl time.

This is a guest post from Lissie, my beautiful wife, over at The Fascinating Woman.

score in the bathroom. More room and more time, who doesn’t love that? I grew up in a household with eight women - and only one bathroom. Getting married was a revelation in the glories of pampering. I had space for make-up, and skin creams and hair products and time to luxuriate in a bubble bath. From experience, I can promise that if you give yourself permission to revel in this newfound freedom your husband will respect - even want it for you - and he’ll take reasonable steps (read: hang up the wet towel, lower the seat, rinse the hair bits from the sink) to ensure that you remain blissfully feminine.

The Fine Line: Just because he lets it be “your” room don’t make him feel like he’s entered enemy territory; put your unmentionables away, stock bars of plain soap, allocate him his own area.

opening jars. There’s just something so reassuring about having someone around who can open the tough jars, reach the high shelves, move the heavy items and give piggy back rides. The best thing you can do here is let your husband help you and praise him lavishly when he does. My husband loves to be praised, but the words would get stuck in my throat or garbled by my tongue from lack of familiarity. So for a while I went overboard-on purpose-when he went outside to get my something from the car I’d say, “Look at my strong man going out to brave the elements for his little delicate wife. Such nice strong, rippling muscles to bring me the milk. And see how thorough he is, even putting away the milk and closing the door.” Take my word for it, it works.

The Fine Line: If you’re asking for help every few minutes you’ve taken it too far, either move things from the high shelf or get a step ladder. Of course you can-and should-ask, but just like you don’t want to be a short-order cook he doesn’t want to be a piece of heavy machinery.

warming. Even if you don’t know the scientific reason men are generally warmer than women (and actually shouldn’t it be the other way around since women have more body fat?) - the fact remains that men are generally warmer than men. When you borrow the sweater off his back it smells like him and it’s really, really warm. Or when you get in bed you have a really good reasoning for snuggling - so he can warm you up (warning: this can lead to him really warming you up). My good husband will even lie on my side of the bed to warm it up for me. I get warm bedding and he gets to be cooled off on his side - we both sleep better. It’s a win-win. So don’t complain that you’re so cold, just ask to be warmed up.

The Fine Line: Just because you want to walk around the house in December in shorts and a tee shirt doesn’t mean it’s fair to turn the thermostat way up (what’s he going to do walk around naked and still sweat?) You can wear more clothes. And there’s always exercise, intense house cleaning, baking, or a hot bath to warm you up as well.

taking out the trash. There’s something about smelly, heavy, exposure to the elements tasks that just screams “man!” (Although that ought to mean that men change more diapers . . .) Growing up I had to take out the trash on the days I did the dishes, but when it was bitterly cold or just plain gross I could usually sweet talk my younger brother into doing it for me - just call him a strapping boy and promise to make cookies for him later. I find that the same approach works on a husband (and I don’t want to hear any flip about “rewarding him” we reward dogs for sitting and husbands are way nicer to have around) An added tidbit: sweetly asking at the same time day after day means that he’ll eventually make a routine of it. Though I suggest you continue to be appreciative and regularly make cookies.

The Fine Line: Don’t nag! And don’t do it yourself. There have been two instances where the trash was left waaaaaay too long. Once in the bathroom and once in the kitchen. Instead of taking it out myself or nagging I just ignored it. There has been no problem since.

Hello helpful, loyal (thrifty, brave and kind) readers. I appreciate all of you and your insight. Some of you may not have noticed, but a woman posted a comment on one of my popular posts, The Xbox Conundrum, about how her husband won’t stop playing video games.

Perhaps you all might have some helpful suggestions for her?

“My husband get’s up in the morning and the first thing he does is turn on Guild Wars. He ignores his job until around 10:30 a.m. sometimes until noon or later, then finally takes off to do his rounds. But because he get’s such a late start, he’s out working until 7 p.m. at times. He is in pest control so he has appointment windows of 4 hours, and he’s usually late to most of them. So when you people out there are waiting for some guy to come over for an appointment, realize he might be at home gaming waisting your time. So,… when he get’s home at night, he gives me a kiss and says how was your day, pretends to show me his time. We tak about what food we will eat and sit for a minute. Which is really obvious that it’s applied behavior, only to passify me and can’t wait to go log into his Guild again. Of which he proceeds to play until 2 a.m. in the morning, or at least midnight. I go to bed alone almost every night. We have sex about twice a month. So what do you think?”

I responded to her asking for more details and she provided the following:

“oh yes,I have talked to him many, many, many times. The right way in the first 3 1/2 years, with love, patients and understanding. He kows I grew up with 5 boys and I don’t act like a reguar girl. I “get” men better than the average woman. I don’t just want to complain about something, I want answers and solutions just like a man cause that’s what my brothers taught me. So much so that I can hardly even relate to women very much. I also don’t put him through long, drug out conversations. I give him “cave time” etc, etc. I know the deal. Trust me. Then with the overwhelming frustration, I began to loose myself control with how I presented my feelings. I just can’t take it anymore. Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel now. I’m lost in absolute sorrow because he just doesn’t care. I’ve been reading about gamming addiction and he definately has that going on as far as I can tell. I’ve tried to talk to him about that too. He agreed, then fails to make good on his promises….. On any of his promises I’m afraid.”

Anonymous, I hope that you are still watching. The community here can provide some useful insight.

Any suggestions, anyone?

Have you ever read Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich? I highly recommend it.

For those of you who have never read the book, one of the things that Hill suggests is that you form a mastermind group for your life. Find people who have skills and attributes that you admire, or that you lack, and make them a part of your life.

Henry Ford was a great example of someone who did this. Ford grew up illiterate and uneducated. He had a dream of being rich, however, so he began to surround himself with skilled, educated people. They showed him how to get what he wanted.

I suggest that we do the same with relationships.

When I first got married, I can honestly say that I had no idea what kind of work goes into sustaining a long term relationship. I just didn’t know how it was done. I needed a lot of help. I got that help from not only my wife, but also from my bishop, a couple of good friends my own age, a couple of good friends who were older, and from reading several books on relationships.

The mastermind idea is different from my post on calling in the cavalry for particular situations. Calling in the cavalry means finding experts to take over for particular situations or events. You mastermind group doesn’t step in and do certain things for you. Instead, the relationship mastermind group performs two essential functions:

The mastermind group provides advice on particular subjects. Every once in while my wife does something that doesn’t make any sense to me. I can call up a member of my mastermind group and say, “Hey, my wife did this. What do you think I should do?”

The mastermind group becomes a think tank. When talking about relationships in general with your think tank, you should feel like they are providing useful, uplifting, and enlightening information and insights that will help you. They are the people you can bounce the “what ifs” off of.

In closing, some disparate thoughts on the relationship mastermind group:

- Business people often form mastermind groups to make sure their businesses succeed. There’s no reason that we can’t do the same for our relationships.

- Your mastermind group can be formal or informal, but you should definitely have one.

- Make a list of five to ten people who have relationships that you admire. Those people should be in your relationship mastermind group.

- You should evaluate the success of your mastermind group every year or so to make sure that its working.

- Be a part of someone else’s mastermind group. It’s called paying it forward.

On a relationship forum that I participate in regularly, there seems to be a great deal of “divorce him” talk going on.

People visit these relationship forums because they are looking for advice and help. While I don’t expect online forums to deliver professional advice, I would expect people to give advice that isn’t damaging. People come to these forums and ask for help with difficult situations of all sorts. Many of them are beyond my scope to help with, but the people in these forums were quick to suggest divorce, among other options.

Divorce is an ugly thing. We all know that. The national divorce statistics hover (in many cases have dropped below) right around 40%. Divorce has some serious negative side effects for those involved including a lowered life expectancy for men, a lower financial standard of living for women (and their children by extension) caused by the gender gap in wages, and children suffer from a loss of interpersonal skills and a lack of correct interpersonal relationship modeling.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that while there are a few good reasons for divorce, like abuse or infidelity, suggesting divorce as an initial option is hardly conducive to helping. If there were ever a case for two people who could have felt justified in getting a divorce without using the excuse of abuse or infidelity, it was my wife and I.

Our first year was pretty darn rough. We both made pretty much every relationship mistake that you can make, plus we were really young, both in college, my wife was very sick, and we had no money.

We sought out advice. We were counseled to communicate better. We tried several different discussion formats. Some worked, some didn’t. I had to learn how to share my feelings. She had to learn that not every part of the relationship has to be perfect. We were told to lower our expectations. We were told “that’s just how it is” and that we’d better get used to it.

Despite all of the well meaning advice we were given, I know that the thing that kept us together and made us want to keep trying was not only did we love each other, but we recognized that marriage is a covenant. We had made a promise before God and each other that we would stay together forever. We endured a year of unhappiness, and a second year of uneasy discomfort, before we started to really figure marriage out.

Our marriage isn’t perfect now. We’ve been married about five and a half years and we still have the occasional disagreement. Feelings still get hurt, but we’ve figured out how to handle it. We could have gotten divorced but now we’re glad we didn’t. We both feel it was worth it to work through the hurt. Our greatest joy is each other, and I believe that it will stay that way for the rest of our lives because we are both willing to work at it rather than take the easy way out.

Inspired by this guy —>
I don’t know where he comes from, but he’s got some good ones.

“Aw, Honey, you look tired. Why don’t I make dinner tonight.”

“Can’t your mother stay another week?”

“Let’s just cuddle tonight.”

“Why don’t you drive the remote tonight?”

“You know, I don’t know where I’m going. I’ll pull over and ask for directions.”

“Can I do the dishes for you?”

“Would you like a footrub?” (my wife’s personal favorite)