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This year I have only three goals. One of them is to be there for my wife as she pursues her dreams. She has recently had a renaissance in her life and has expressed to me her desire to accomplish certain things. It is easy, when someone reveals their Big Dream, to express dismay and doubt that someone can accomplish something that big.

I think that the way that I can show her I love her is by being there for her, encouraging her every step of the way. I can’t do these things for her, or even really give advice on how it’s done. Instead, I must resolve myself to always be positive, never doubt her.

While the physical resources that I can provide her are limited, I will do what I can in that area.

The emotional resources, however, I can provide far more of. I can pick her up when she’s down. I can be excited and enthusiastic when she shares her successes. I can listen, refrain from giving advice, and offer a shoulder to cry on when she shares her failures. While I can’t make all the hurt go away, I can certainly be her safe place to land. I can make sure I never hurt her more than the world will already hurt her.

Very few women are as spiritually and emotionally strong as my wife. Her strength has been forged through years of trial more difficult than most people can imagine. I can give her this gift in the New Year - I will be there for her.

Each year my wife and I have a tradition where we write each other a letter.  While I don’t actively maintain this site anymore, I thought a few of you might be interested in knowing that I still love my wife, and we are still happy to be with each other.  Here’s my anniversary letter to my wife this year.

Dearest Wife,

Several people have asked me about the seven year itch.  Not the Marilyn Monroe Movie, but the idea that seven years is the time when married couples start to feel constrained by their bonds of marriage.  I can honestly say I haven’t given the idea a second thought, other than to laugh at the idea that our marriage could somehow be constraining me.

As an artist, I’ve learned that you can’t just create willy-nilly without some sort of objective.  That objective forces constraints and those constraints are what bring true creativity.  Working within the bounds of medium bring a focus, a determination, and a platform from which to work.

So it is with our marriage.  We have the goal of being together forever, happily.  We know that after we pass on, if we have lived worthily, our spirits will be bonded together eternally in the hereafter as man and wife.  We know that true happiness comes from sharing life’s experiences together, and because we know these things, we strive to achieve that eternal happiness.

Over the last year I’ve changed jobs, you’ve graduated, and our lives have started to settle into a sort of beautiful rythim.   While I know that the peaceful state we’re in may only last a few months before the winds of change blow us into a new chapter, I appreciate knowing that we have a routine.

I love you now more than when we were first married.  While that first year was tough, it seems so much smaller now than it did even last year.  I feel so free with you, so happy.  I can share with you my deepest thoughts, my loveliest desires, and know that you will hold them safe in your heart.

Those who have not experienced the joy of being married can perhaps never know the safety, security, and peace that come from knowing that both parties are totally committed to each other, no matter what happens.  No matter how sick you are, no matter how frustrated I might become with work, we stick together and see each other through every tough situation.  I love you for that and hope each day that I can show you a little bit of that love.

It’s easy to find you sexy because you are.  While some may laugh and say that it’s because we’ve been together so long, you give me goosebumps sometimes…and I love it.

You are my darling.  My fresh, exquisite, beautiful, pristine darling wife and I am grateful each morning when I wake up next to you.  Seven years or seventy, your love is my treasure and I’ll never throw that away.

I love you, and happy anniversary.

A Good Husband

Here it comes.  V-Day.  Chocolates.  Roses.  Schmaltzy quotes and Hallmark cards.  Valentine’s Day.  My wife and I have always had fun on Valentine’s Day.  Up until this year, we’ve been financially poor, but relationship rich.  I never had to buy her love with a diamond ring, because we show each other love on a daily basis, but we’ve always celebrated the holiday by doing something special together, just the two of us.

The other day I asked readers, “What is romance?”  First time commenter Steven Fisher made a great point about romance.  It’s not the big events.  It’s buying her flowers for no special reason.  For us, it’s been things like building shelves for her, slow dancing in our apartment, cooking together, or making out while watching Star Trek.

You see, romance, and marriage, is not a single act, but the accumulation of little events and acts of love over the months, years, and decades of a relationship.  I remember as a child admiring men who could honestly say that they were more in love after 25 years of marriage than they were on their wedding day.  I didn’t grow up with that, but I longed for it, and now I can say that I’m well on my way there.

It was a bit of a rocky start, but Lissie and I learned how to communicate with each other.  Every interaction we have now is tinged with a bit of love and romance.  Every time we are together it brightens my mood and makes life a little bit lighter.  Even if we’re just in our apartment together, doing our own seperate thing, it makes life a little bit happier.

Lately I’ve been super busy rehearsing for the upcoming performance of my next play.  I’ve been away from my wife most evenings for the past two weeks.  I can honestly say that no matter what we do for Valentine’s Day (and I have plans…oh, I do) it will be special simply because I’m with her.  Can you say that about your marriage?  I hope so.

Gentlemen, take a moment to reflect on this latter question.  Can you say that your Valentine’s Day will be special simply because you will be with your wife?  If not, what can you do to make the day special for her and for you?

Last week’s free flower giveaway was a bit of an eye opener for me. When I asked men to leave their most romantic story, I was surprised that so many of the answers were so…not romantic. Initially, I thought it was just me, but then my wife commented on it after reading the entries…then a friend of mine was like, “Dude, the guys who read your blog are totally not romantic. Guess that’s why they think you can help them, huh?”

At first, I was a little offended at my friend’s insinuation, but after some thought I was like, “Well, Cory, you started this site because you thought it could be a resource.” So…yeah, I guess there are quite a few guys out there who have no idea that men & women think different things are romantic.

Men see romance as a task to complete.

Is it true? Many of the comments on that post were about the way that men proposed to their wives. A few were about what they did for their wives before they were married. I can’t be sure, but I don’t think any of the stories occurred within the last 2 - 3 years.

Is romance a list of set procedures? Can you maximize the return on investment of a romantic gesture and calculate out what you can get with the least amount of effort? I am guessing that any women reading this are repelled just by the idea of that last sentence.

Romance as relationship maintenance.

Responsible men know that they need to get their car serviced. You change the oil every 5000 miles, put gas in, and get the brakes checked. Romance is the equivilant of relationship maintenance. Take your wife out for a date, bring her a gift for no reason, praise her regularly, and touch her lovingly. Regular romance is better than any single gesture of love over time.

Last week, when I asked for a story of the most romantic thing you’ve done for your wife, perhaps I did you all a bit of a disservice by putting attention on that singular event. Attention should really be paid to what are you doing now?

What does ongoing romance mean to you?

Time to send some flowers to your loved one! Read people’s stories of romance here and then vote on the right hand side of the page for your favorite story. Each person gets four votes. Polls close on Saturday at Midnight!

If you are one of the people who entered their story in the contest, then make sure you tell all of your friends to come and vote for your story! You can do this easily by clicking on the Share This link at the bottom of this article, before the comments.

Winners will be announced on Monday morning and gift codes emailed to the winners. If you want to know who won, be sure to subscribe to A Good Husband updates for free!

UPDATE: ProFlowers.com loves AGoodHusband.net readers, and wants to give you an extra gift. From now through March 1, you can get a 20% discount off of any flowers & a free vase by clicking on this link. Let me know if you purchase anything. I’d like to know how it turns out!

Would you like to send flowers to your wife for free?  Do you want to be seen as the champion Good Husband who orders flower delivery for his beautiful bride at work?  I hold in my hands the power to give a lucky few of you (five, actually) a $70 gift certificate for Proflowers.com - just in time for Valentine’s Day!!

How to Win Free Flowers for Your Wife

A Good Husband is all about helping you become the best husband you can be.  So much good advice comes from the community that I thought I would invite you, the reader, to share some of your best romance advice.

In the comments below, tell the rest of us husbands what is the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for your wife.  The story can be as long or as short as you like, but make sure you tell us what you did and how she reacted.  Don’t wait, do it now, because contest entries received after midnight on Wednesday February 4th will not be eligible to win.  Be sure to give a real email address so I can contact you.

Win Free Flowers If You Are A Wife

Ladies are eligible too.  If your husband is too shy to visit the site and tell us all about how great he is, then give us a little blurb and we’ll consider you entered in the contest.

Readers will vote on the Most Romantic Stories

Make sure you tell your story well.  I will be selecting the top 10 - 15 stories and putting the contest to a reader vote.  The top five stories will receive $70 worth of flowers from Proflowers.com.  Guys, keep in mind that about half of the people who visit this site are women - mostly wives.

Voting will begin the morning of February 5th and continue through midnight on the 6th.  Winners will be announced on the site on the 8th and notified by email.  Be sure to subscribe to the site (it’s free) so that you can find out who won!  If you want to read the stories, subscribe to the comments and you’ll receive those as they’re updated.

Other Ways to Win Free Flowers for your Wife

Proflowers has been exceptionally generous this Valentine’s Day Season and is giving away flowers through other outstanding websites as well.  Here is a list of the other sites also giving away free flowers:

• You Served Military Blog
• Daddy Forever
• At Home Dad
• Patrick Says
• Building Camelot
• Art of Manliness
• Ploomy

There are several other sites participating in the giveaway, but you should be able to get going with those few.  I highly recommend all of them.

Come back tomorrow and the next day to read some of the stories, and to get some great advice on how to pick flowers for your wife after you win the contest!

UPDATE: The contest ended in February 2009 and is closed to new entries.

In 1915, Joseph F. Smith, then President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints introduced what has now come to be called the Family Home Evening program. The church encouraged every family to set aside Monday nights as a special time when the family would spend that time together in their home, strengthening their relationships and teaching each other.

Today Family Home Evening, or FHE, is an integral part of LDS church members’ lives. The program has been recognized by other churches, governments, and activist organizations the world over as a positive program that helps build strong marriages and raise healthy and happy children.

While FHE is primarily focused on families, FHE can be a strong marriage builder as well. My wife and I don’t have children, but we hold Family Home Evening each week.

How to Hold Family Home Evening.

Usually FHE includes an opening prayer, a song, scripture, lesson, activity, treat & finally a closing prayer. LDS.org has a really useful page for planning and running FHE, so there’s no need to recreate all of that information here, but know that it’s not intended to be a formal activity. You can add, take away, or change any of the steps. The point is for your family to be together and do something that will build relationships.

It’s not necessary for FHE to always be at your house, but the emphasis is on families together. It usually works best if it’s at the same time in the same place, with just a few variations on occasion.

How does Family Home Evening benefit your marriage?

Obviously any marriage benefits from more time together. Time together that is focused on something is even better. Guys, women love it when they know that there is a time set aside every week when you will be together. It’s reassuring and it makes them feel like your relationship is a high priority.

If you run FHE the way that it was originally created, putting God into your marriage will benefit your relationship as well. Any couple that has a strong spiritual life will be closer emotionally as well.

What kind of activities do you do for FHE?

Just about anything that your family would enjoy doing is a good FHE activity. As long as the whole family can participate and it builds rapport (no, watching a movie doesn’t count) you can do it!

There are legions of ideas for Family Home Evening activities. You can try here, here, or here.

My personal favorite FHE activities are Murder in the Dark, Settlers of Catan, or bike riding.

What do you do to engage your family and your marriage on a regular basis?

Do you have any sort of formalized activities that your family does? Do you have questions? Share them in the comments below.

Primer Magazine is running a feature on an old newspaper clipping that has been circulating the internet for years called The Good Wife’s Guide.  It’s an old school take on how wives are “supposed to” behave.  It’s positively medieval in some places, but I think a lot of it is not far off.  There’s nothing wrong at all with having dinner ready and looking nice - as long as you have time and your husband is good to you as well.  I’d be interested in knowing what you think about it.

My favorite bits of advice from Primer’s article: men should realize that her life is just as important as his, and it’s important for men to be honest.

Also, over at Simple Marriage Project, there’s a discussion going on about Steve Pavlina’s decision to enter a polyamorous relationship with his wife (read: he’s convinced his wife that it’s okay for him to cheat on her, and her to do likewise).  Corey asks what people’s Big Idea is about marriage.

Personally, I think that Corey’s picture at the top of the post says it all: I am yours.

Marriage is sacred.  There’s no getting around it, there’s no justifying otherwise, there’s no reason to excuse infidelity.  Marriage is the most important social convention (indeed, holy covenant) that we have, and the best way to raise a family.

To my wife: I am yours, and I promise to be only yours for all eternity.

Old traditions of marriage defined the way women were supposed to behave in domestic matters.  New traditions are breaking down the boundaries of sexual purity.  Where do you turn to figure out what is appropriate in your marriage and in your life in general?

It’s unfortunate, but cheating husbands are a reality, and it seems like it’s more permissible now than it ever was to cheat on your spouse.

1. Admit that it’s possible. If you’ve found this page via a search engine, you may already be ready to admit this.  If not, then you need to realize that you will probably find any reason to justify your husband’s actions until you can admit that it’s possible for him to cheat.

2. Observe personal behavioral changes. Has your husband suddenly developed an interest in finer clothes, better restaurants, and new activities, and he can’t explain where this interest came from?  Has he picked up a new cologne that you didn’t recommend?

3. Working extra hours. Many guys work extra hours, but if his schedule suddenly changes and he is unspecific about what the extra hours entail, then you could have a problem.  Extra trips and extra business lunches and dinners can also be a warning sign.  If all of the extra hours aren’t adding up to extra pay or extra responsibility (i.e. a promotion), then that could be a warning sign.

4. Observe relationship changes. Was your husband affectionate before and suddenly he stopped?  Is he suddenly more affectionate than before?  He could be acting out guilt over the affair.  Is he ignoring you or stopping conversations short for no apparent reason?  Does he appear distracted or is he picking fights?

5. Check the tech. Computers and cellphones leave trails.  Check browser histories to see if your husband is visiting dating sites or unknown email addresses.  Check cellphone call histories and see if there are repeated calls by numbers you don’t recognize.

6. Reality check. Are you finding hair that isn’t yours?  Lipstick?  Perfume scents?  Collect the evidence and keep a log of it.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your husband is keep a cool head.  Jobs ebb and flow in responsibility.  Marriage relationships change in their emotional dynamic.  Men can develop late life interest in looking better or discovering new hobbies.  Just because there is change or challenges, that doesn’t necessarily indicate an affair.

Cheating also don’t necessarily have to mean the end of your marriage.  You can recover from an affair, although it can be long and difficult.  Marriage is sacred and special, and if your cheating spouse is willing to admit their mistakes and make it work, you can have a long, happy marriage afterward.

I’d love to hear from couples who have recovered from infidelity, or from anyone who knows couples who have been able to put their marriages back together.  Leave a comment below or send an email to cory (@) agoodhusband.net.

Yesterday I received an email from a well known dating website asking me to pitch a survey to my readers. Here’s the text (embedded links removed):

Hi Blogger!

We hope you had a great Thanksgiving weekend! It’s officially the start of Holiday Season and the entire staff at Date.com, Matchmaker.com and Amor.com have been thinking about shopping, gift giving and of course - parties! That gave us a great idea for a holiday survey.

If your office party is anything like ours, we know there’s plenty of water cooler gossip the morning after, and tales of who hooked up with whom is usually at the top of the office gossip list! While we know with the recession a lot of companies have shelved their annual holiday parties, we were wondering who you - and your readers - would have a drunken hook up with under the mistletoe. Click on the survey link to let us know!

Happy Holidays!

Shira Zwebner and the relationship advisors at Date.com, Matchmaker.com and Amor.com

shira@date.com (feel free to drop Shira an email and let her know what a good job she did pitching a dating website to a guy who blogs about marriage…)

What I want to know is why would you pitch a dating website to a guy who writes about the challenges of being married? Also, it’s obvious that this person has never read my blog, because the survey is all about “who would you rather have a drunken fling with…”

Give me a break. If fewer people would have drunken flings, then there would be fewer broken homes and more happy marriages.

To Shira and the rest of the people at Date.com: don’t bother me, learn your audience, and keep your emails about office gossip to yourself.

EDIT: Since I’m having such a great day, I’ll add this: If Shira and the Date.com people want lessons on how to effectively pitch bloggers & social media mavens, I’m open to give some advice.