A Good Husband
Marriage Advice From A Man
Archive for the ‘Guest Post’ Category
6 Myths About Pornography
Author: Cory H.5 Jun
This is a guest post from Luke Gilkerson, the community manager at Covenant Eyes, makers of a software that monitors and blocks online pornography from your computer.
Myths About Pornography
I spend the bulk of my working hours surfing the Web to listen to the chatter about porn. Addicts, wives of addicts, parents of addicts, porn stars and pastors and priests, the tempted and the tried: many people are talking about how habitual pornography viewing has affected them and those they love.
Still there are some widespread myths about pornography in the world, and in our culture. Those myths can be, at times, crippling to those who watch pornography without reservation.
Myth #1: Pornography is harmless entertainment.
Entertainment, by definition, is amusement or diversion provided especially by performers; something diverting or engaging. Pornography is certainly entertainment by this definition: for many it is amusing; it offers a diversion from the ordinariness of life; hired performers create an atmosphere and setting that is designed to engage with our sexuality. It has long been touted by relationship therapists that a little pornography can spice up our boring sex lives.
The myth is in the word “harmless.” Harm is injury brought to someone, either mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. When we turn to the advice of physicians and mental health experts, we find a growing opinion among them that habitual pornography viewing is harmful. We’ll explore this as the other Myths unfold.
Myth #2: Pornography is a healthy way to stimulate ourselves sexually.
Let’s examine this myth by asking an imperative question: What is real sexual health?
Better sex, some say, is a function of better orgasms. All things being equal, what is the optimal sexual experience? In a culture saturated with sexual stimulus (as much of Western culture is) it seems natural to give a pleasure-oriented answer: bigger and longer times of arousal.
But healthy sexuality is primarily an integrated sexuality; we are sexual beings and our sexuality touches many aspects of our personality, our identity and our relationships. Better sex is not pleasure-oriented but intimacy-oriented. Our sexuality is ultimately designed to connect us in deeper ways to the other person and create what only sex can create: family.
Pornography teaches us a different picture of great sex. Right before the explosion of the Internet porn industry, the Journal of Sex Research reported that in pornography “depictions of other basic aspects of human sexuality—such as communication between sexual partners, expressions of affection or emotion (except fear or lust) . . . and concerns about . . . the sexual consequences of sexual activities—are minimized.” Today, the Internet delivers that false message at high speeds into our homes.
Gary R. Brooks, Ph.D., describes what he observes as a “pervasive disorder” linked to the consumption of even soft-core pornography like Playboy. Returning to porn again and again produces a disorder of “voyeurism”—an obsession with looking at women rather than interacting with them. The more we drink of the “sexuality-on-tap” in the media around us, the more the pleasure chemicals in our brains reward us for simply “seeing.” This disorder trains us toward objectification, an attitude by which we rate others by size, shape and harmony of body parts. Soon we are wired to emotionally respond only to certain images. Brooks says, this all leads to emotional unavailability, dissatisfaction and a fear of true intimacy.
In the end, pornography leads to impotence, it doesn’t solve it. By impotence I don’t mean an inability-to-be-turned-on impotence, but an intimacy disorder. Dr. MaryAnne Layden writes so poignantly, “I have also seen in my clinical experience that pornography damages the sexual performance of the viewers. Pornography viewers tend to have problems with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Having spent so much time in unnatural sexual experiences with paper, celluloid and cyberspace, they seem to find it difficult to have sex with a real human being. Pornography is raising their expectation and demand for types and amounts of sexual experiences at the same time it is reducing their ability to experience sex.”
Myth #3: Pornography is not addictive.
Pornography is a powerful form of sexual education. Not only does it drastically shape our beliefs about sex, but it does so by tapping pleasure chemicals in our brain to reinforce those beliefs.
Dr. Jeffrey Satinover writes that “modern science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction.” When we return to porn again and again these pleasure chemicals in our brains pave a neuro-pathway that make us more and more dependent on the sexual stimulus. Just like a drug addiction, it is more toxic the more we consume. Just like a drug addiction, it leads us to crave greater varieties and amounts of the stimulus. It is very common to find pornography viewers moving from soft-core to hardcore, to other outlets such as phone sex, cyber-sex and other forms of acting out.
Myth #4: Pornography is healthy for couples to watch together.
Many couples do watch pornography together as a part of their love-making. Many do not report any problems with this habit, so this myth can appear to be true on the surface.
Without trying to sound like I have an inside look at every couple’s relationship dynamics, I am willing to admit that if a couple’s use of porn is minimal, there may be no perceived negative effects. In the grand scheme of things, pornography use may be the last concern on their radar.
Still, perceived effects and actual effects are often different things. Just because a porn-watching couple still has sex often and still enjoys it does not mean that the sex is all it could be.
When a couple relies on porn to create “better” sex, does this foster real intimacy? Again, I won’t pretend to to know you, reader; I won’t pretend that I’ve been in your bedroom (nor do I want to pretend). However, I would have you ask some searching questions on this matter. When you watch porn with your partner, is it the porn that stimulates you or the connection you have with your lover? Is your partner becoming nothing more than a means of masturbation? When you make love, do you need to close your eyes, turn your head and imagine a fresh pornographic scene in order to bring you to orgasm? Does the porn facilitate a deeper appreciation of your partner, or do you find yourself wishing he or she were more like the porn fantasies you’ve built up in your head?
Interesting fact: at a 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in divorces, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half such cases. Why is this? Because pornography has a powerful psychological effect on the habitual viewer: it reshapes belief systems about sex and intimacy and this ultimately boils down to how we relate to our spouses.
Neurobiologist Peter Milner writes, “Most stimuli become less attractive . . . as they become familiar and predictable,” such as intercourse between familiar couples. “Thus, novelty has an effect similar to that of reward.” Pornography offers a virtually endless reservoir of sexual novelty. Any type of person you can picture, any position, any situation, any setting. The presentation of sexual novelty naturally makes our bodies respond to the familiar partner with less excitement. Is this the way we really want to wire our brains? Is this what our marital relationships really need?
Myth #5: Pornography is a good form of sexual education for the inexperienced.
If we can see the effects of habitual porn viewing on adult populations, the effects are even more problematic for younger minds.
Certainly, most people would agree that we need to keep our young children away from pornography. There is something we know intuitively about the potential negative effects of this. Yet, for the very same reasons, when adolescents are exposed to pornography again and again, this can interrupt natural sexual development of teenage years.
The largest group of viewers of Internet porn is children between ages 12 and 17. According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, prolonged exposure to pornography leads to:
· Diminished trust between intimate couples
· The abandonment of the hope of sexual monogamy
· Belief that promiscuity is the natural state
· Cynicism about love or the need for affection between sexual partners
· Belief that marriage is sexually confining
· Lack of attraction to family and child-raising
Pornography is dangerous for teens not just because it shows too much, but because it shows too little. There is no context for the sex they see. No displays of lasting commitment, love, devotion, or a the perseverance of lifelong love through good times and bad, arguments and diaper changes, sickness and health, richer and poorer.
Myth #6: Pornography has been around since cavemen drew on walls, so there is no sense in turning it into a recent sexual problem.
I would agree that pornography has been around a long time. However, the last 50 years, and in particular the last 15 years (since Internet developments), has seen a huge culture shift in the mainstreaming of porn.
The year 1953 is a significant year for the porn industry: the year the first issue of Playboy was released. Until this time pornography was a cultural taboo, an underground industry, but with Playboy came the first example of pornography distributed through the main channels of American capitalism.
This was the commercial genius of Playboy. Hugh Hefner created a “lifestyle” magazine for the upwardly mobile men of the 50s. He created an identity for them: the image of the playboy. It was a consumer’s magazine. The first few editions of Playboy offered articles on the best ice-buckets on the market and the best recipes for chicken and rice . . . And very few images of women. The images of women were meant to be the sort of high class, very beautiful women one could merit if they took Hefner’s advice. He carved out the soft-core industry.
In 1969 Penthouse came along and became the first real competitor to the Playboy market. Penthouse was willing to push the limits of what was acceptable (to the public and to the advertisers who made these magazines possible). Alas, the hardcore of Hustler hit the market. And the list goes on.
Then you have the adult video market. In 1990, a little over 1,340 hardcore pornographic titles were released in the U.S. Market. In 2005, that number was 13,588: a growth of over 900 percent in 16 years.
And magazines and VHS tapes were only the beginning. Pornography and the growth of certain technologies go hand-in-hand. Certain technological advancements help consumers get their porn closer to home and protect their anonymity; thus, pornographers implement major investments in the advancement of their products. From the camera to video recording devices to the Internet, the adult industry was always a major contributor to the advancement of technology in the 20th century.
The Internet is unquestionably the most rapidly expanding segment of the adult entertainment market today. The Internet brings in about $3 billion a year online. Pornography pioneered technologies such as streaming audio and video, flash, the pop-up window, high speed Internet connections, and security improvements for ala cart pay services.
Today, we have a mutli-billion dollar worldwide porn industry. Pornography production and distribution is done by businesses that run like Fortune 500 companies. Pornography isn’t just a haphazard collection of images that kids find through scrambled cable channels and websites run by perverts living in their parents’ basements. No. Pornography is a business, and a pretty successful one at that. About 20 large U.S. companies are responsible for at least 70% of the hundreds of millions of pornography images online.
And why is this a problem? Up until recently those more likely to be predisposed to sexual addiction were those who had subconscious motives to act out sexually, such as victims of physical or sexual abuse. Now the Internet has changed that statistic greatly. Thirty years ago, when Patrick Carnes studied the neurochemistry of sex addiction, he was testing in a pre-Internet world. Carnes says today, “There are now people struggling with sexual compulsivity who never would have been if not for the Internet.”
We must take our heads out of the sand. Cavemen may have used cave walls as their pornographic canvas, but there are no limits to the canvas of the Internet.
Overcoming Pornography Addiction Part 1
Author: Cory H.5 Jun
This post is the second in a series of guest posts by Luke Gilkerson on how pornography addiction affects marriage and how to overcome that addiction. Check out yesterday’s post on the myths of pornography.
Some of you are reading this now because you have this nagging sense your obsession with pornography is more controlling than you’d like to admit. Some of you are under no illusion: your obsession is an addiction, pure and simple. Some of you are the wife, husband, parent or good friend of an addict, and you hate what you see them going through . . . and what they are putting you through.
Some of you hate reading blog posts that have the words “part 1” in it. Great, you think, that means there’s going to be “part 2” and who knows how many parts. I’m looking for quick information and answers. I don’t have time to read all of this. I never knew freedom from addiction involved so much paperwork.
Please, remember, it took time to get addicted, and it will take time to overcome it. You have the time, trust me.
With the scores of books and articles written on this subject, what will one more blog post do? My prayer is that it will be a helpful step in the right direction.
First things first . . .
Yes, you can be addicted to porn. Addiction to pornography is one variety of many sexual-relational addictions. An addiction is a compulsive physical or psychological need for and use of a habit-forming substance. In this case, the addictive substance is one’s own neurochemistry, the “feel good” chemicals released during a sexual encounter.
You may be wondering, “But isn’t it normal and natural for people to have sex and release those chemicals.” Yes, it is. It’s also normal to satisfy hunger pains with food, but eating the wrong kinds of food or too much food can be hazardous. Porn is like that: it taps a natural part of us in an unnatural and unhealthy way.
As in other addictions, one can develop a “tolerance” to porn. An addiction to porn is an addiction to sexual novelty. This means the same images, sounds, or video clips may not produce the same “high” as when they were first viewed, so one begins to search for a greater variety and amount of pornographic content. It may start with the accidental glance at a Victoria Secret ad, but this turns to an intentional search for sexual images online, which can eventually lead someone to search for images, video clips, or cyber-sex encounters that would have originally made someone gag.
Moving away from this addiction often proves to be a long journey for many. This addiction touches us at the core of our being: our psycho-sexual identity. The quest for freedom just might take you deeper than you imagined.
The Physical Addiction
Pornography addiction is akin to heroin addiction, except you carry the drugs around in your body—the chemicals you naturally crave don’t require a syringe. This means that you not only have access to the chemicals whenever you want, but also that these natural drugs are more habit forming.
It is wise for the addict to face this side of the addiction with some gut level honesty: I need a break from this chemical high to be healthy again. Understand, as in any addiction, you will need to go through a period of detoxification. Depending on the depth of the addiction, you may need to step away from sexual stimulation altogether for a period of time. It is best to consult a licensed counselor about how to do this.
Psychological Dependency
In this addiction, you have grown deeply dependent on a whole series of activities and emotions stemming from those activities. It isn’t just about looking at porn, is it? It’s also about the pursuit. It’s the anticipation of seeking out your source of pornography, waiting for the right moment to seek the thrill and heightened energy that comes from browsing through images, video thumbnails, social networking profiles, DVDs, magazines, or whatever is your preference. Your routine of looking for porn may have become quite involved. You may spend hours doing it, hours that seem to go by in a blur. Why?
Because it isn’t just about masturbation and release, is it? You love the variety available to you in the world of pornography. You love the idealized settings, circumstances and people that this imaginary world offers. It’s the search for the ultimate fantasy experience. In this fantasy YOUR needs are first, and it feels SO GOOD to have things your way. Returning to the real world of obligations and messy relationships can seem disenchanting after repeated encounters like this.
Depending on how long this routine has been going on, you have probably grown dependent on the series of emotions that come from this entire experience. You are attracted to the “forbidden aspect” of the whole pursuit. You may even “enjoy” some of the fear and paranoia of possibly “getting caught.” Most of all, viewing pornography taps something deeply rooted inside—a primal yearning. It feels so good to crave something and, for a brief moment, to have that craving met.
How do we overcome this addicting process?
First, we must face it and admit it. You have grown dependent on the emotional high from these pursuits. You love the escape.
Second, we must start the journey inside. We must begin to ask ourselves what motives and hidden issues are underneath our addiction.
Third, we need to bring others into the process. Make a list right now of one or two people you think might be able to help you ask the hard questions.
Porn addicts (who know they are addicts) may be among the most tapped-in people in our society. Their addiction has uncovered a deep longing for satisfaction. There is something deeply dissatisfying about their world; nevertheless, they enjoy porn as an escape, and yet there is this deep, long-term dissatisfaction about the escape as well.
Let me finish this post with this concluding thought: Don’t waste your addiction. There are some who are looking to end the pain of their addiction and find the quick cure that will leave them unburdened. And that is, of course, understandable. But don’t be one of many who trade this addiction for yet another series of mind-numbing distractions. Your addiction has ripped a hole in your heart and has provided a window for you to ask some searching questions: What do you yearn for? What is pornography medicating and distracting you from? Why are we so screwed up?
Don’t waste your addiction. Be brave and take the inside look.
Related Posts:
Any Amount of Porn is Bad for Marriage
Supporting Your Wife After Rape or Sexual Abuse
Effects of Pornography on Marriage
A Good Husband Makes A Good Husband
Author: Cory H.20 May
My wife sweetly requested that she be given an opportunity to say something…
I just don’t think it’s fair that A Good Husband is putting up good deeds of other husbands without his own wife spotlighting him.
As far back as before we were engaged I’ve heard the refrain, “wow! you’ve got him trained well.” Usually I’ll hear this when my husband gives me a foot rub, brings me water without me asking, asks if I’d like to go home early, makes dinner, does the dishes, takes me out dancing, or offers me a bite of his cheesecake. I want to set the record strait. There’s been no training.
My wonderful husband (and seriously one of the reasons I married him) made the choice that I was going to come first in his life and so when I make a request he will do as much as he can to fulfill it. Sometimes he tells me no or we compromise, but most of the time he’ll do what I ask and many, many times he picks up on my regular requests and will do them for me without asking.
For example, my husband
loves his cell phone, partly because he gets the internet on it and he loves the internet. When we’re out and about he’s constantly checking his phone. This used to make me feel unimportant and so, I would ask him to put away his phone, which he would obligingly do. Now, if we’re out and about, when my face gets a certain look away goes the phone - no matter how close the game is. To get the record straight: my amazingly good husband. is observant, self-motivated, caring, loving, and persistent but he is not trained.Avoid Cheating, Wandering Eyes
Author: Cory H.15 May
This is a guest post by April who writes for Normal Mormons.
As everyone knows, the carnal nature of humans is unquestionable. The very thing that tends to first attract us to our spouse is the same thing that gets us in trouble after marriage. The phenomenon known as “wandering eyes” can be a real problem for many couples. For both the men and women. However, in American culture it seems that men tend to be the ones who are constantly on trial for this offense. From a simple glance at an attractive woman, to more serious and sometimes dangerous physical advances – there are always repercussions for activity like this. A good husband knows better.
Some wives don’t mind when their husbands comment on how attractive a woman is. Many of us even ask our husbands the classic question like, “Do you think she’s pretty?” - which, as every man knows, can be a land mine. Other wives tend to be quite jealous or set strict boundaries on what is, and is not appropriate.
It’s a sign of respect to make a conscious effort NOT to look at other women. It shows that you really love your wife. Even though you notice said “hot blonde in the red dress” doesn’t mean you need to rubberneck as she walks by your table.
“Looking” is also not the only offense made by husbands. Thinking about other women is even worse. It’s just as bad as looking at pornography.
Something my husband will sometimes do is “joke.” He’ll get caught looking at a girl, then say “Oh I was just joking – I just wanted to see what you would do.” Or one of his friends will report that he checked out some chick while they were hanging out, and he will say “I was just kidding around!” He now knows this is not okay. Just because you’re joking, or kidding doesn’t take away the fact that you were staring at someone in a sexual way.
So how do you be a good husband when it comes to looking at other women? Have open communication with your wife! Ask her what is okay and what isn’t. You’ll never know if you don’t ask, and she will never be happy if you are stepping across that line. If she says she never wants you to look at any women like that, take her seriously. Just because you are a “man” doesn’t mean you have an excuse to act like a barbarian. Respect your wife’s desires when she asks you not to look. It’s a small price to pay for marital happiness. If you can’t bear the thought of diverting your eyes, be single.
Image by Veruka Dolls.
Marriage Advice from a Donkey & His Wife
Author: Cory H.2 May
This is the fourth post in a series of guest posts from different female bloggers around the net. The ideas for these posts sprang from the question, “What do wives wish good husbands knew?”The Donkey (he’s a bit clueless) and The Wife (she’s pretty patient) share funny stories from their marriage at WifeAdvice.com
He Said
Can a husband ever be too busy to compliment his wife? I like to hope so since I am terrible at complimenting my wife, but the fact is no one is that busy. Women need and love to be complimented. It’s a simple truth that wives need encouragement and praise because they have one of the hardest jobs: dealing with us husbands. Wives are sweet people by nature and need to be nurtured by their husbands. They look to their husbands for that support and thrive on that special complimenting whisper from the ones they love the most. So what can husbands like us do? What do our wives need? Allow me to shed some light on the situation.
Getting out of the compliment-less frame of mind
For those of you who just can’t seem to turn the compliment corner, I have a solution: make it a habit. Some husbands may have forgotten how to compliment their wives while others may have never regularly complimented them. If you fall within these categories, then you will benefit from a compliment checklist. Simply create a checklist that will be easy to access (paper based or electronic). Start out with a goal to make 2-3 compliments per day. Don’t get crazy and make a goal for 10 right off the bat. You want to be slick about this, not overtly obvious that you are forcing the compliments. After several days of success, you can turn it up a notch and go for 3-5 complimentary statements. Experts claim that habits take 2 weeks to form, so you should begin to see some automatic behavior by day 7. After 2 weeks you can throw your reminder cards away and enjoy a natural approach to complimenting your wife.
If you are really clueless you can use some of my favorite compliments. I have provided some starter compliments and some expert ones once you get the hang of it. Again, you don’t want to be too obvious in the beginning
Starter Compliments:
- The house looks great today. Maybe tomorrow you can make it two in a row.
- It’s been great to have you in such a good mood recently. I haven’t heard any yelling all day.
- I never knew you could cook?? What a delicious dinner!
- What a nice dress! I can’t believe you can fit into that again.
Expert Compliments:
- You looked so nice when I left this morning that I couldn’t wait to see you again after work.
- I appreciate the time and effort you put into raising our children. The work you do will influence generations to come.
- How did I get so lucky to marry such a great woman?
- Why should we ever go out to eat when you make great food like this?
She Said
Wow. I’m so excited for my husband to start complimenting me now! It’s true, we love and need compliments. I think it’s even broader than that, though; it may be a bit more accurate to say that we want positive feedback. Instead of just being complimented, I love any kind of good feedback that I can get from my husband.
Examples of positive feedback:
- Compliments: See The Donkey’s list above, or come up with your own
- Validation: Listen to your wife’s concerns and feelings and show that you understand
- Encouragement: Let your wife know that you believe in her, and encourage her in areas where she may be unsure.
- Affection: A quick pat on the knee, a kiss on the cheek, or a hug are great ways to give your wife positive feedback.
Sometimes husbands aren’t perfect at doing this type of stuff. My husband couldn’t understand why I didn’t take it as a compliment when he rated my looks a 6 out of 10 (while we were on our honeymoon!). So you may need to be a bit patient with them, and model some positive feedback yourself. But, if I can love a donkey, anyone can.
Grandma’s Wisdom
Author: Cory H.1 May
This is the third post in a series of guest posts from different female bloggers around the net. The ideas for these posts sprang from the question, "What do wives wish good husbands knew?" This post was written by Granny Sykes, who is a newspaper columnist and author of the book Operations and Maintenance Manual of Female Homosapiens.Bad news, guys. The top things a woman wants from a man are all emotional things. We want to feel cherished, secure, romanced, and connected. The good news is I stopped at four.
And even better news. I can decode our amorphous “feelings” into actual actions you can deliver
CHERISHED.
We want to be the reason you get up and slay dragons. Tell us that. Rave about how we inspire you to be a better man in front of others. Compliments are more potent in front of others.
Find a physical attribute that is germane to only us (which weight and age won’t ruin) that sends you over the moon—our dimples, our belly button, our pouty lower lip, the widow’s peak in our hairline, the shape of our fingernails. All other women should be lesser in comparison to us.
Even when caught noticing a younger, prettier woman, she is to remind you of us. No matter what she is wearing or doing inspires you to apply it to us. We would look good in it or doing it.
SECURE.
Don’t let us live in fear. Never, ever threaten to divorce us. Don’t bully us, shame us, hit us, or curse at us.
Live within your budget. Then we can relax and can help you reach your dreams. You don’t like it when we gain weight? We don’t like when it you have bill collectors calling day and night.
Be a soft place to fall for our troubles. We need to know you are in our corner—not our boss’ or colleague’s. Take our side even when we are wrong, which only means you say our point of view is valid. When you first acknowledge our point of view is valid, we can then be reasonable and listen to other solutions that might work better.
ROMANCED.
Translation: jewelry, flowers, exotic vacations, hand made gifts, love notes, long walks together, back rubs, candlelight dinners. Keep courting us like you did when we were dating. You got married thinking life would be a constant source of sex? We got married thinking life would be a constant flow of romance.
There’s a payoff. Romance from you equals sex from us.
CONNECTED.
Give us your undivided attention at least one hour a day. Touch us often (groping, fondling, and grabbing don’t count).
You know how we always tell you all our problems and then don’t let you fix them? Well, we do want our action-adventure husbands to fix something—us. You can do that by simply saying, “I’m sorry that happened to you.” That line says you felt our pain. Then hug us. We were on tilt and the hug put us upright again. Now we were empowered to go fix our problem. See? You can fix our feelings.
And we don’t want you to be faithful just because you are virtuous. When looking at a pretty woman, say instead, “Sex with her would be empty. Only you make my heart glow.”
How to Change Your Thinking on Marriage
Author: Cory H.29 Apr
This is the first post in a series of guest posts from different female bloggers around the net. The ideas for these posts sprang from the question, "What do wives wish good husbands knew?" This post is by Glorybeam, author of the blog, "Why I Love My Husband." “You never…” (take me out; compliment me; help with the housework, etc.) “You always…” (go out with your friends; put me down; make a mess, etc.) Without realizing it, I had fallen into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking. I had a negative perspective, filled with pessimistic thoughts, towards my relationship with my husband, and towards life. I was caught in a downward spiral of depression. Alaska is a land of extremes — severe cold and darkness throughout much of the year, and endless daylight for a short summer. Long, dreary, dark, winter days play havoc on the minds of people; alcoholism, depression, and suicide are rampant. I came to Alaska, knowing that I struggled with depression. My father, a minister, had been diagnosed with severe clinical depression, and died at age 48, ending a life of pain and disability. I grew up reading my father’s counseling books, and going to counseling. I had met my husband, a future minister, at Bible School, and together we ministered to others. With fifteen years of marriage and ministry behind us, we knew that a calling to Alaska, “The Final Frontier,” would be no easy task. Going into our third winter, I rapidly descended into the vortex of depression. I sought help from every direction, from the medical profession, psychological counseling, behavioral coaching, and spiritual intervention. I believe that healing came because of my intense motivation for relief, along with treatment from professionals, and most of all, the attribution of God’s Divine power to change and heal. I also believe that one powerful tool was deeply effective in healing not only my mind but also my marriage. As I was browsing the web, I came across a blog one day, called “Why I hate my husband.” My jaw dropped, as I read the daily rants about the stupidity and crassness of the man this woman had (willingly?) married. What a sad story! Yet, just that morning I had been thinking negatively about my own relationship with my husband. I decided, then and there, to put into action a thought I had about focusing on the good things. I have always written letters in journal-form, to God, to people I was angry with or offended by, and mostly, to my husband. Before we were married, I had compiled a notebook full of letters, never sent. It was good therapy. So, I set about to start another notebook, online — a journal for the world to read. But this time I planned to force myself to write about 100 reasons why I love my husband. Before I was even one-third of the way through my goal, an amazing thing happened. I started to love my husband even more! It was quite evident to my husband, of course, and he was most thankful for the transformation. He started telling our friends about my blog. Only then did I realize how powerful and instrumental my blog had been in changing my perspective. It was good therapy!
A Stay at Home Mom’s Wish List
Author: Cory H.29 Apr
This is the first post in a series of guest posts from different female bloggers around the net.
The ideas for these posts sprang from the question, "What do wives wish good husbands
knew?" This post was written by Kathryn who authors her family blog and also co-owns Ekko Mobiles
with her husband, Matt.
When I told my husband Id be writing a guest post for A Good Husband’s What Wives Wish Good Husbands Did series, he was nervous. Justifiably, considering my Wish List started something like this:
I wish my Good Husband would:
* volunteer to do laundry
* fold laundry without being asked
* wash the dishes promptly each night
* vacuum more often
instead of saying wow, this place is a mess, just clean the mess instead
make the bed…
My list didn’t get much longer before I realized: Hey! These aren’t Good Husband traits, theyre Good Housekeeper traits. And as much as Id love it if my husband loved housework as much as I hate it, those aren’t necessarily the top traits necessary in my lifelong (and beyond) companion.
So my wish list got revised. And realistic. The traits I’d actually like in my husband have less to do with making my life easier and more to do with keeping our relationship strong. That’s a better source of long term happiness for us both. And besides, when a relationship is good, life is good, which makes those mundane tasks like laundry a little less…mundane.
So, dear husband:
Be observant: Since its not fair to wish for a mind reader, this is the next best thing, right? Just notice stuff. Like the nice dinner I prepared, or the extra effort I made to run that errand for you, or the kids stinky diaper, or the hug I could really use right about now. Then take those keen observations and act on them.
Be appreciative: Thank me. Sincerely. For anything and everything. Like that dinner or the errand. Knowing I’m appreciated will make it easier for me to appreciate you and all your thoughtful diaper changes and hugs.
Be open: Since I’m not requiring you to be a mind reader, please don’t expect it from me. I can’t guess what you’re thinking, so you’re just gonna have to tell me. Things always go smoother when we communicate openly. And just think how much better it’d be if I didn’t have to coerce you into it.
Be attentive: I spend all day with a toddler who listens only when the topic concerns doggies, milk, or Elmo. So when you’re around, I crave your listening ear. And, so long as you don’t mention Elmo, I’ll gladly give you mine.
Now, Ive got to give my Good Husband credit. Hes pretty darn good at this stuff. We’ve been happily married for 6 1/2 years, and we’ve both made major progress toward becoming Good Spouses.
But since my particular Good Husband tends be an over-achiever, heres a bit of extra credit: Ill never complain about a clean kitchen…
Learning from Anne of Green Gables
Author: Cory H.4 Apr
This is a guest post written by regular contributor Lissie from The Fascinating Woman.
My favorite book series is Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery. Part of the reason they are still my favorite is because there’s a book for every stage of life. Anne’s House of Dreams covers early marriage. Near the end of the book Gilbert (Anne’s husband) gives “rules for the management of a husband” to Miss Cornelia who will soon be married. In his own words, here they are:
“Since you are determined to be married, Miss Cornelia,” said Gilbert solemnly, “I shall give you the excellent rules for the management of a husband which my grandmother gave my mother when she married my father.”
“Well, I reckon I can manage Marshall Elliott,” said Miss Cornelia placidly. “But let us hear your rules.”
“The first one is, catch him.”
“He’s caught. Go on.”
“The second one is, feed him well.”
“With enough pie*. What next?”
“The third and fourth are–keep your eye on him.”
“I believe you,” said Miss Cornelia emphatically.
* Lissie’s Note: Acceptable substitutions include cookies, potatoes, brownies, bratwurst, steak, and bacon.
Confessions of an Underperforming Husband
Author: Cory H.2 Apr
The following is a guest post by Scott Hepburn
We’ve all heard the cliché that a job interview is a lot like courtship. There’s that awkward period when you meet. You get to know each other, loosen up a little, and if there’s a connection, you make a commitment – the marriage of employer and employee.
Of course, a marriage is a lot like a job, too. There are responsibilities, lots of room for growth, and of course, the perks. Good marriages even have performance reviews – temperature checks, if you will.
Last December, my wife Carolyn and I decided to see a marriage counselor. The arrival of our son, Riley, in June had been a big adjustment for us. Parenting brought us closer, in some ways, but drove a wedge between us in others. It was time for some “training.”
One valuable insight we gained is that I had been “underperforming” and that Carolyn had been “overperforming.” She’s a hardcore Type A personality – take charge, get-it-done, have a plan. I’m more the laid back, spontaneous type. And over the first 6 months of parenthood, those traits had become exaggerated.
As Carolyn grew more task-obsessed, I retreated to my cave and became uncommunicative. I grew irritated with her inability to relax. She got frustrated that I wouldn’t take on some of the workload. We didn’t fight, per se, so much as dislike each other. I even threatened to leave. I still regret that.
With Dr. Matt’s help, we found our way back to each other. She gave me more freedom; I now have a weekly “Guy’s Night.” In turn, I learned to be more responsible – around the house and emotionally. We have daily temperature checks to foster communication. Most importantly, we’ve learned to recognize each other’s needs.
If you’ve ever had a job you hated, you know how hard it is to drag yourself out of bed. That’s where our relationship was. But with a little hard work, we realized we were both responsible for the breakdown and we committed to working past it. It was the best career decision I’ve ever made.
Scott Hepburn is a veteran copywriter for PRstore, a full-service retail marketing franchise with 41 stores in 18 states. He has been married for six years and, much to his surprise, hasn’t been kicked to the curb yet. He blogs at http://prstore.typepad.com.
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