The Icon of Personal Development

Welcome to this week’s edition of the Carnival of Personal Development.  I’m happy and flattered to be able to post this week’s edition.

A note on how I picked entries, and we’ll call this my hat tip to personal development: I picked the first 10 posts that really grabbed me.  There were 68 entrants.  Some were good, some were really bad, and a few were completely off topic.  I read through the entrants until I found one that I felt was directly applicable to my life and I figured if it was applicable to me, then it probably was to someone else as well.  I limited myself to 10 because while reading about Personal Development is all well and good, going out and practicing is even better!

Enjoy this week’s posts!

Want to be a better trainer & leader?  Read Terry Norrington’s Become a Great Leader Using Your Optimism and Motivation.

Since I’m reading a book about Abraham Lincoln right now, I recommend Robert McHenry’s piece on What Abe Lincoln & Charles Darwin had in common.

Gabriel Girl hits the right note on Garage Sales and their cathartic value.  I’m a big fan of cleaning out my place once a year or so, just to get rid of all the clutter that is dragging me down.

Are you worried about someone making fun of you or interrupting you during your public speaking?  Check out Marcus Smith’s Will You Please Shut Up and learn how to maintain control of a room.

It often seems like some people get more done than others.  What’s the secret to being productive?  It’s not that hard, Writing for Your Wealth presents How to Be More Productive.

There is, perhaps, nothing more conducive to a well developed personality than gratitude.  Homemaker Barbi presents The 3 Minute Thank You Card.

One of the ways that we often find ourselves in difficult situations is by failing to act before a situation becomes a problem.  Evolve.Ever presents Be Proactive.

Another way to fall into difficult situations: Procrastination.  Super Sonic Success discusses this very topic in Stop Procrastinating.

After all that reading about being proactive and stomping out procrastination, you need to be a little kinder to yourself.  After all, you can only develop so much at a time.  Quantum Learning presents Have You Never Been Lazy?

End on a positive note.  Things are pretty crazy out there right now, with the world economy in a strange drift.  Momentor’s advice: Control What You Can Control.

This is a guest post from Khara, one of the cool folks over at CSNBaby.com.

Listen up Dads; get your own diaper bag! Gone are the days when Moms and Dads share the same pink, paisley diaper bag. Diaper bag manufacturers have heard the call and come to the rescue with stylish, man-approved diaper bags that seamlessly blend both form and function. Diaper bags are designed to make traveling with baby a breeze, packed with of all the baby essentials.

Choosing the right diaper bag is infinitely easier than choosing, lets say, cribs, where you have safety concerns as well as the style factor to worry about. Let’s outline some of the most popular diaper bags for men.

It used to be that diaper tote bags were the standard, however that’s not the case anymore. Dads can choose from messenger bag-style diaper bags as well as backpack-style diaper bags.

• Messenger Bag Diaper Bags: If you’re a working Dad, chances are you use a messenger bag or a briefcase on a daily basis. Just like a normal messenger bag carries all of your essential work supplies - lunch, newspaper, laptop - a messenger diaper bag carries all of the essential baby supplies you’ll need for a walk in the park or a trip across country.Messenger bag-style diaper bags can include everything from a changing pad, stroller hangers and a refillable wipes holder as well as a space to hold food, bottles and any other baby supplies. With messenger bag diaper bags, it’s all about the extra storage space. Pockets, pockets, pockets! Pockets for diapers, zippered pockets, bottle/sippy cup holders - pockets for everything.These diaper bags are also designed to be comfortable. While it’s a good idea not to over-stuff your diaper bag, choosing a bag with a comfortable padded strap is a must. Messenger diaper bags today are designed with the low-maintenance and stylish Dad in mind. Easy to clean and available in a variety of fabrics, colors, patterns and prints, there’s a messenger diaper bag to satisfy even the most discriminating tastes.
• Backpack Messenger Bags: Another diaper bag option Dads have is the backpack diaper bag. The biggest advantage of these bags is more storage space. Again, it’s important that you not over-stuff the diaper bag with non-essentials but this is a viable option for plane travel as well as outdoor family activities. Easier on the back, backpack diaper bags provide more support than the messenger bag-style which sits on the shoulder.Backpack diaper bags come with all of the benefits of messenger bag diaper bags with more pockets and storage space. There are generally at least two bottle holders which makes for easier traveling. Heavy duty, weather resistant and easy-to-clean fabrics are commonplace with back pack diaper bags. Also, just as with the messenger-bag style, there’s a fantastic variety of colors and patterns available for Dads to choose from.If you don’t like the look and feel of a standard double strap backpack diaper bag, consider a mono strap diaper bag. Just as stylish and durable as the double strap variety, mono strap backpack diaper bags can be slung over the shoulder but won’t slip off like a messenger bag might, held in place with Velcro or snaps.

Whether you consider yourself to be fashionably aware or not, your diaper bag options have just expanded. Just make sure you choose one that fits you and has ample storage space for all of your needs. Daddy diaper duty has never been so stylish!

What do you all think?  What kind of diaper bags do you prefer?  Name names, brands, and styles in the comments below.

The following is a guest post from Nathan Mcgee.

I have been married for 9 years (going on 10). I would love to say that we have been blissfully compatible since the day we got hitched, but far from it.  We have had our disagreements and, at times, heated arguments.  My grandpa told us, “You don’t really know a person until you’ve been married to them for 25 years.”  At times we hoped to make it just one more year.

The Cookie Dough Incident of 2000
One afternoon, early in our marriage, she was making some chocolate chip cookies. She had whipped up a batch of dough and I promptly started eating it as she dropped spoonfuls on the sheet.  My wife asked me to stop eating the dough.  I told her, “I like cookie dough,” as I took another bite.  What started as a simple request and honest rebuttal soon turned into a half hour “discussion.”  I pointed out that this was how my family made cookies, then she explained to me that if I eat all the dough then there won’t be any cookies.  Eventually we came to an understanding.  I still eat cookie dough (which is my favorite part), but she makes sure to double the recipe so that there are plenty of cookies (which is her favorite part).

Since then we have been learning how to communicate better, particularly when we don’t quite see eye to eye.  Here are the tips that I’ve found very helpful… (disclaimer:  I do not claim to be a master of these principles and find that I have to remind myself frequently to get back on path).

#1 Remember That You Love Each Other
I put this one first because it is the most important and, sometimes, the most difficult.  When tempers are high, love is often the last thing on your mind.  It helps to verbally state your love, “I am angry and frustrated with you right now, but I love you.”  It may not send you into a sudden frenzy of passionate kissing, but it will help tone down the situation.

#2 Stay Calm
No one knows how to push my buttons quicker than my wife!  If I am able to stay calm, she calms down and then we can solve the problem.  When we are both tense, then it just becomes a “you did…” match and nothing gets solved.

#3 Seek First to Understand
Most of the time, an argument starts with a simple misunderstanding.  When it isn’t a misunderstanding, people can still feel like they aren’t being understood.  The best way to combat this is the classic technique recommended by psychologists and conflict managers… restate.
Her: “It makes me so angry when you leave your shoes in the middle of the floor!”
You: “So you are upset because I left my shoes out?”

#4 Seek to Be Understood
This can be as simple as asking for her perception of your side of the story.
You: “Why do you think I keep leaving my shoes on the floor?”
Her: “Because you don’t care about keeping our home clean!”
Make sure to validate her concerns and clarify your reasoning, if necessary.
You: “I do want to keep the place clean, I just get distracted and do not think of shoes as clutter.”

#5 No One “Always” or “Never”
This can be an easy trap to fall into.  “You always leave your shoes in the middle of the floor and you never think to put them in the closet!” Truth is, no one always or never does something.  Maybe 90% of the time, but there are occasions when people veer from their habits, even if it is just momentarily.  Always and never are absolute words and in relationships, habits, behaviors and emotions can change.  You or your spouse do not want to feel confined into an absolute behavior.  “Most of the time” or “Hardly” while still emphasizing the frequency, or lack thereof, is more open and accepting.

#6 When You are Wrong, Promptly Admit It
This is good advice and probably one of the hardest to follow.  Be open to the possibility that you might be wrong. I do not mean that you should just cave to everything, but really look at the issue and if you are wrong, admit it. Followed by a sincere apology.

#7 Don’t Forget to Laugh
Laughter will lighten any mood.  There are times when feelings have been tremendously hurt and grave mistakes have been made, but for life’s little arguments, laughter can be a much needed comfort.  It can turn an argument into a building experience!

Marriage is a challenge.  You are two different people trying to ride through life together.  There are going to be disagreements which can make or break your marriage if you let them.  I do not think it’s impossible to master these principles, difficult as they may be, but perfection is not the goal. The goal is to experience consistent learning, growing and loving together.

Nathan McGee is a Social Media Strategist and trying to be a good husband to a beautiful woman who blessed him with two beautiful daughters.  He can be found at nathanmcgee.com or follow him on twitter, @nathanmcgee.

Check out my guest appearance on the Stay Happily Married podcast, where I talk about the 4 Step Relationship Review.  You can listen to it here, or you can download it on iTunes or download it here.  Listen and let me know what you think!

To those readers who came here from the Stay Happily Married podcast - welcome!  You can find my original post on the 4 Step Relationship Review here.  For a good idea of what this site is about, you might check out the most recent 5 posts.  They cover the most popular topics of the last year on A Good Husband.

To get more great tips on being A Good Husband, you can subscribe via email by typing your name in the box on the right, or subscribe via RSS.  Both options are, of course, free.

Also, you might check out the recent article featuring an interview with myself and my wife on CNN.  Thanks for stopping by!

I decided that it would only be fair to have women wage in on the issue as well. After all, women have to be get to be with their husbands forever. We men might want to read and carefully consider what they’re looking for in a good husband.

From MooshInIndy (who, btw, is one of my favorite bloggers - I just discovered her a month ago. Everyone go tell her that she should stop by more often. She’s fabulous. Casey, I’m sorry, but I had to use that pic. You’re the one that put it on your site…)

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

To me, being a good husband means that your wife trusts you completely. It means that you are the first one she wants to talk to when she wakes up and that you are the last one she is thinking about when she falls asleep, it means that when something happens, good or bad, you are the one she wants to share it with. It means that she has enough trust in you to tell you anything, to feel safe in anything she may have to say. If she has something ridiculous to say, a fear, a joke, a worry, it means she doesn’t fear you mocking her or ridiculing her. If she has a genuine concern she needs know that you will meet her halfway, and validate her concern no matter how minuscule it may seem. Being a good husband means recognizing that women and wives are completely different creatures than men, and learning to love, nurture and coexist with them without annoying the ever loving crap out of them.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

The role of father and husband is being downplayed, it is being challenged and mocked. The media and the world would have us believe that men who can conquer all and be admired by everyone without being attached to anyone is masculine. When in reality, it is a man who loves his family, who loves his wife, who lives for his children and isn’t afraid to look silly for the happiness of another is where real masculinity lies. A man so confident in himself that he’s willing to sacrifice his pride to help those whom he loves most. (If you’ve ever seen my purse you’ll know darn well that my husband is over his ego enough to hold the huge multicolored Mary Poppins bag.) A man who can’t wait to get home to be with those who hold him in highest esteem. I love that my husband is a serious attorney all day, and yet comes home to sing my daughter the Tigger song everynight before she goes to sleep. “The wonderful thing about husbands, is husbands are wonderful things…”

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Find out quickly what makes your fiance feel loved. And for the love of pete, don’t ASK. Try out different romantic gestures and see which one brings that sparkle and light to her eyes that only you should have the ability to do. Don’t be afraid to look silly. Write her cheesy love notes, leave her gushy post-its around the house. Whisper in her ear that she looks amazing, that she smells good, that you’re lucky to be her husband. Make her dinner, do the dishes, plan an unexpected date. The more out of your comfort zone it is for you the more memorable it will be to her, your gestures don’t have to be public or outlandish. Find something secret the two of you share. Kiss her in the same spot and say the same words to her everytime you part, or fall asleep. Give her a nickname. Make it just about you two. Forge a bond so strong between the two of you that loving her becomes as second nature as breathing. But don’t forget to remind yourself how important breathing is, and how you wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her giving you breath. Wow, cheesy much? Yeah, but dudes? Lots of girls love the cheese. Promise. Try and give her a reason everyday to be more in love with you than she was yesterday. After almost eight years I am more in love with my husband than I ever was before his socks were in the middle of my floor everyday and his sweaty gym clothes were stinking up my hamper. I love him so much my heart feels as if it will burst if I think about him for too long. Don’t you want that kind of hold on your lady’s heart?

From Jenny the Bloggess (who, if you don’t mind the swearing, is absolutely hilarious - and blunt…and Jenny, I’m sorry that you were transferred for reasons totally unrelated to your blogging):

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

I got nuthin’. Seriously, I have no idea because I’m not a dude but I guess what I look for in a husband is his ability to make me a better person. You can replace “a better person” with “a good amaretto sour” and it would still be just as valid.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

I don’t think there are any. Neil Patrick Harris just played a Shoe Fairy on Sesame Street and knocked it out of the [fetching] park. Seriously, he’s playing a fairy and he’s hot and everyone knows it. If an openly-gay dude playing a singing fairy with a shoe fixation can still come off as masculine then I really think all bets are off. Now put on something pink and stop worrying about what other people think.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Backrubs are the best foreplay. Not *you* getting a backrub. You *giving* a backrub. If I had to explain that, your wife is pretty much [fetched] . Also, that chair is not a closet. And close the door when you’re in the bathroom. And stop asking me why my car is so dirty. It just is. Wow. I just realized you only wanted one thing. How about this: Listen to your wife because she’s probably always right except sometimes when she’s wrong and then maybe you might need to slap her around. If that sentence sounded in anyway plausible to you then you should probably not be allowed to get married.

From Nan at Shawnanigans (if you don’t know what BragOnYourMan is, head over there and read, then let the world know how great your husband/boyfriend/significant other is - praise works wonders):

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

It means loving your wife sacrificially, owning up to your mistakes, making finding out how to love her better a hobby and a life-long pursuit… There are so very many things that being a good husband means. It means standing up boldly when boldness is needed and it means being humble when humility is called for. It means knowing when both of those times are. It means saying sorry first. It means setting a tone of respect for the rest of the family.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

I think some of the biggest challenges to masculinity today are those men who give masculinity a bad name; men who confuse machismo with with masculinity. I bet you thought I was going to say something about the “sensitive man” being more of a challenge but I don’t think so. I think masculinity gets a bad name when it is equated in large part with crudeness, sexual obsession, bulging biceps, as well as poor financial choices and bad behavior, both of which are often mislabeled with cutesy phrases like “boys and their toys” or “sowing wild oats.” A man can be far from any of those things and still be extremely masculine. He can even cook, wash dishes and do laundry and still be incredibly masculine.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Do the right thing first.

Liss from TheFascinatingWoman (who happens to be married to yours truly, and is one of the most loving, longsuffering women on the face of the planet - I adore her, funny faces and all):

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

At the most basic level a good husband is faithful (emotionally and physically), fun, and loving. The particulars will vary from woman to woman but if you can honestly say that you believe your husband to be fun, loving, and he’s faithful - emotionally and physically - you’ve got a good husband.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

Masculinity is too often defined by it’s negative aspects. Therefore, instead of self-assurance we see arrogance, instead of gallantry there’s bravado, instead of deference there is lewdness. Also, quite frankly, masculinity is having to be redefined for modern life. The sort of physical lifestyle that lent itself to daily displays of masculinity has been replaced with a swaggering machismo because that sort of lifestyle is not a part of many “modern” countries.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Think of compromise as a good thing. Too many couples think of marriage in terms of winning. I don’t know a single happy marriage where score is being kept. In the happiest marriages there is almost daily compromise - but they are having such a good time being married to one another, and are so full of love for each other that it doesn’t occur to them that they are compromise. Shoot for that - and be okay when it doesn’t happen.

With the redesign of A Good Husband I got to thinking about what I was doing when I started.  Originally I wanted to know what other guys were thinking about marriage and what it means to be a man.  At the time I asked friends and family what they thought. What does it mean to be a good husband, a good man?  What are the challenges that men face today?

One of the great things about blogging over the last 9 months has been meeting some of the great minds on what it means to be a man.  If you don’t know anything about these guys who are giving their opinions below, then you need to take a visit over to their sites and get some great insights.

Corey Allen, The Simple Marriage Project

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

According to who? The wife or the husband? There may be drastically different answers from each. To me however, that’s the beautiful thing about the differences between men and women. If we all say things the same, how boring would that be? So what makes a good husband? A man who leads his family by example. His yes means yes and his no means no. A man willing to accept his wife’s influence in his own life. It seems many men are threatened by their wife. If I “give in” to her, I’m a wimp. Wrong, it’s not about giving in, it’s about being honest with her and her doing the same with you.  The other component of a good husband is a man who treats his marriage as important. This may seem like a no-brainer, but many men seem to think being a goof father is enough. You were most likely a husband before you were a father, and the fact is, your kids will one day leave you and your wife. Love your wife, pursue her heart, fight for her, even if this means choosing her over your kids at times. It’s a great example of marriage for your children.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

Men today lack good role models of masculinity. Their dads have checked out, or never were in the game. What’s modeled in society and Hollywood is often poor masculinity. But the biggest threat today is for men to become the “nice guy” rather than live from his heart. It’s often easier to keep quite rather than speak up. To give up rather than lead. Masculinity is more than hunting on the weekends, playing sports in your 30s or owning a truck. It’s about following your heart and inspiring your family to do the same.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Spend time learning how to listen to your wife. Laugh with her, love her, invite her into an adventure larger than herself. Now that you’ve “won her” by getting her to marry you, your pursuit is not over. Pursue her everyday!

Brett McKay from ArtofManliness.com:

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

Being a good husband means being a rock for your wife. Be the man that gives your wife confidence that things will be just fine, even when it looks like the world is falling in.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

That we expect so little from men.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Find your best friend and marry her and don’t hold off to marry until you think things are “right.” If you’re with somebody, you love her, and you can imagine spending the rest of your life with her, take the plunge. No need to put it off.

Brett Nordquist, the Nordquist Blog:

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

It means being a good listener and being tuned in to the needs of my family. This was easier when we didn’t have children. But with 4 kids and many distractions, it’s more difficult to focus on listening because my first instinct is to fix the problem. But the better I’m able to listen to my spouse and my kids, the better husband I become.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

I’m not sure this counts as an actual challenge but my daughter’s teacher was surprised I was the only father to go on all three field trips throughout the year. Is it still more acceptable to have mom’s take part in those activities or do we live in a society that makes it difficult for men to take off work to participate in their children’s education?

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Decide early on what your priorities are and communicate that to your spouse. I decided early on that my top priority would be my family. This means I’ve had to sacrifice a few promotions that went to people willing to work 80 hour weeks. I’ve told my wife and my boss what my priorities are which has possibly hurt my career. But the benefits to my family have outweighed any issues at work. It’s good to get this out of the way earlier on before you’re in a career that’s controlling you and your time.

Tyler from BuildingCamelot.com:

What does is it mean to be a good husband?

Being a good husband today is challenging to men because it requires being both sensitive to the needs of your wife while being strong and protective of her at the same time. The balance between those two can often be thrown out of balance by many different factors and can cause serious harm to both the husband and the wife. A good husband must strive to find the right balance between strength and support so he can help move his marriage forward in the right direction.

What are the biggest challenges to masculinity today?

I think one of the biggest challenges men face is trying to define what masculinity really is. There are too many men out there between the ages of 20 and 40 that struggle with defining what masculinity really is because they didn’t have a father in their life. If they did have a father he probably wasn’t much of one to learn from. Combine these men with women who grew up in similar households and men really begin to struggle with how to be masculine without turning out like their own father.

If you could pick one piece of advice for men getting married, what would it be?

Just one piece of advice? After I wrote the five things that surprised me most about marriage and having my wife read it with mixed results, I’d have to say “be brutally honest with your wife”. Even if you’re scared of what she might say, it’s far better to be open and honest than trying to live your life with someone while trying to keep secrets. Honestly is not always easy but I’m beginning to realize that it’s easier than avoiding discussions and creating resentment in your marriage.

This is a guest post from BusyMom.

Men? Blogging? What will they think of next?

Kidding.

While I’m not married to a blogger, I’ve been blogging a long time and many of my oldest blog friends are guys. Some are dads, some aren’t.

Since I began the whole blogging process long before people spoke of “mommy” or “daddy” bloggers, I’ve just always had my friends and my favorite bloggers and I’ve never really given much thought to gender, I just enjoy reading about the people to whom I can relate or to whom I have a connection.

For example, I love Child’s Play x2, Metro Dad, for who they are and the fact that they are good writers rather than the fact they are “daddy” bloggers.

But, lately, since “mommy” and “daddy” blogger labels are all the rage, I’ve given it some thought and it’s nice to read the male perspective on things, especially parenting.

I don’t think it’s a novelty that men are writing about kids and parenting, though. As a matter of fact, I bristle a little when people make a huge fuss over dads sharing things about parenting with others through a blog. Though I’m not a guy, it just seems a little demeaning to me that it’s seen as so out of the ordinary or extreme for a dad to document his life with kids, but I could be wrong.

I think that most men and women alike have always shared pride in their families in their own ways and blogging just makes it easier than ever for those who enjoy writing. To me, it’s got nothing to do with what is “manly” or not, but everything to do with how someone enjoys expressing themselves and connecting with other people.

Again, though I could be wrong, since I’ve never actually been a guy, and I don’t play one on TV, either.

Maybe there is a prevalent stereotype that blogging about your kids and family isn’t “manly” and I just don’t get it, but it sure doesn’t stop me from enjoying some of my favorite blogs.

We have 3 kids, and my husband really isn’t a writer, but he enjoys telling stories about our kids to family and friends, as well as taking pictures. He knows about my blog, but blogging just isn’t his thing and that’s fine.

I do I wish more dads would give blogging a try, though, they might find they like it and I’m always up for making new friends and learning from good writers. I encourage people to be themselves and find their own voices because there’s a great parenting community out there, no matter who you are.

This is a guest post from Hayden at PersistentIllusion.

Ever since women started, rightly, demanding that America deliver upon the promises on which this country was founded, men have more and more lost their way. Unsure of how to meet a stronger woman, men psychologically retreated in confusion.

We used to think that women were less intelligent than men.
We used to think that women were incapable of protecting themselves.
We used to think that women were only good for taking care of children.
We used to think that women were only good for satisfying a man’s carnal pleasures.

We used to think that women were property.

We, men and women, had operated so long in this paradigm that when women started to shatter those ideologies, exercise their abilities, and assert their substance and strength, we found we didn’t know how to share power. To render equality unto women meant that power was ‘taken away’ from the men of this country.

The ‘manliness’ movement is a triumphant death knell to this either-or dynamic. No longer is it strong women at the expense of strong men. No longer do men withdraw. We are coming to a place, slowly but surely, where men and women can assert themselves without diminishing the authority of their partner.

The manliness movement, including ‘daddy blogging’, is redefining what is considered ‘manly’. Which is more manly? Benching 300 lbs. or being a good father? Is it manly to suppress the power of your wife, or to meet her in equal partnership? Truly which is stronger? A partnership founded on an imbalance of equality, or one that combines the power of two strong people.

Indeed, we have learned in the personal development movement that one’s personal happiness absolutely cannot be dependent upon another for then your ‘happiness’ is shallow and transient. Joy in living is expressed in fullness when two ‘happy’ people come together and magnify their joy through a loving partnership.

So it is also true for power. Power - strength - gained at the expense of another cannot last; it is insubstantial.

The manliness movement is, at its core, an evolution of masculinity. And daddy bloggers are at the forefront. Men today are using the digital marketplace of ideas to exhort their confederates into stepping up. This clarion call reverberates online, bouncing from byte to byte, blog to blog, man to man. It’s a call to arms and a ceasing of bitter refuge.

It’s a challenge to man up.

Women simply cannot effect this change. When a woman tries to prevent a man from shirking responsibility, when she attempts to insists on his equal involvement in their marriage and family, when she declares the injustice of doing it all by herself - she is a ‘nag’ and her husband resents her.

Thanks to the multitude of enlightened men, no longer is there a dearth of material on what it means to be masculine. No longer do we sit without direction. No longer must men flounder. In order to affirm the vision of this country, the resonant promise on which it was founded 232 years ago, women and men must step up.

And, thanks to the manliness movement, men across the country are taking up the mantle of leadership. Stepping forward so that others can more easily see the path of the modern day warrior. Creating a fellowship, a brotherhood, of knights who fight for more than macho self-interest but the possibility of what men and women can truly be for each other - for themselves. Better men inspire better women who will in turn inspire better men…and so on.

The reason for my exultation of the manliness movement? The demand for personal responsibility. The proposition that women are not creatures for disdain-ertainment, but partners to be fervently honored and fiercely cherished. The fulfillment of an idea I had when I was little girl, the dream that men and women could truly be equal.

The truth is this. We are all less when any of us are lessened, diminished when any one of us is second class, and -thusly - are all consummated when we fulfill the promise of our beings. We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.

This is a guest post from Lori at MamaNuggle.

What it’s it like to be married to a dad blogger?

Well, a few thoughts and words come to mind immediately:
Cool. Awesome. Pride. Strange. Intrusive. Jealous - like your husband has a not-so-secret mistress.

Unless you’re a blogger yourself, you really don’t “get” it.

Unless you’re a blogger or a writer by trade, you don’t understand your spouse’s ability to recount daily activities in a humorous and poignant light. The need to connect with “virtual strangers” and allow them
back-stage access to all areas of your mundane existence. The compulsion to post. The desire to sacrifice necessities like food and sleep just so you can finish your next post.

I certainly didn’t “get” it.

That is, until I became a blogger myself a few weeks ago.

Let me back up just a bit:
Jeremy’s blog evolved from a personal journal he began to keep when our son Ty was born in 2006. Called Daddy’s Diary, the journal chronicled Ty’s first 100 days with us.The Diary was a first hand glimpse into the way my husband really felt about being a spouse and dad for the second time around. I say “second time” but that is not entirely accurate.

Yes, Jeremy was married before. While unfortunately the relationship didn’t last, it was fortunate for me that he did take away some excellent life lessons and a true gift from his prior marriage - that of being a father.

You see, Ty really isn’t Jeremy’s second child. Jeremy had become a father twice before, in his prior marriage. Heartbreakingly, his first daughter passed away at 6 weeks from a congenital heart defect. His second daughter Chani was 12 when our son Ty was born.

With so much time elapsed between Chani and Ty’s births, Jeremy was in a much different place in his life by the time Ty arrived. He was no longer a fast-paced executive at a record label who traveled numerous weeks out of the year, touring with clients. Nope, he was now prepping to be a SAHD (Stay At Home Dad) with his own home-based inspection business.He was older, wiser, and I’d like to think happier with his life. Most impressively, by choice, Jeremy was determined to not miss out on our son’s formative years as he had with
Chani.

A journalist at heart, Jeremy was gifted at crafting stories, expressing thoughts and emotions, and capturing snippets of life by vividly recounting them for posterity. Thus, the idea of Daddy’s Diary was born. What better gift to give your child than an introspective, heart-rending, honest, funny tale of their first few days on earth?

Daddy’s Diary has never been read by anyone outside our close-knit family. But the content was so rich, I kept telling Jeremy it should be turned into a book. Or shared with others. Jeremy liked the certain aspects of idea of sharing the Diary, but didn’t want to ship it off to a publisher. Though the Diary was a rough draft at best, the driving force behind it led to the emergence of Jeremy’s popular blog Discovering Dad.

In essence, blogging became a way of “testing the waters” to see if he could connect with others in similar situations. To see if there were other fathers and husbands out there that were so enthralled with their roles
that they felt compelled to share their experiences. To get and give advice. To provide a sounding board for thoughts. To open up dialogue between husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, kids and parents, all
across the globe.

And boy, did it ever!

Fueled by Jeremy’s passion, Discovering Dad became a public record of our lives together. It chronicles the ups and downs of being a parent. It showcases the lives of other involved fathers. It helps to shatter the
popular stereotypical misconception (perpetuated by the media) that most dads aren’t or don’t want to be deeply involved in their kids lives. It serves as a sounding board for hot button issues, driven by content,
questions, responses, and comments from other bloggers. (Remember the “What Moms really think about…Porn!” series? Need I say more?)

I’ll admit, at times, it seems weird to me that someone on a Powerbook in Toronto knows what my husband and I think about porn. Or my post-baby body. Or our compulsive cleaning habits. Or the fact that our TV is always tuned to kids’ shows like Pingu or Little Einsteins. .

It’s a little like living in a fishbowl. It strikes me as both flattering and odd that people I’ve never met face to face followed our pregnancy journey this year. The blogosphere celebrated our daughter Caitlin’s joyous
yet premature arrival into the world with us. It was comforting to know the on-line community was faithfully praying for our family, for a miracle to happen, as Caitlin battled a life-threatening infection. The support that
other bloggers gave us during those 23 nerve-wracking, heart-stopping days meant more than Jeremy or I can ever possibly convey.

Is there a trade off for “putting it all out there”? Sure there is. It means that - like reality TV - the good, the bad, and the ugly may find its way to the pages of the internet, for all the world to observe, if they so choose.

But perhaps most importantly, Jeremy’s blog is his way of expressing and sharing those millions of random moments that, pieced together, form the foundation of our life together. As spouses. As parents, As lovers. As best friends. Blogging provides a positive outlet for his thoughts, and serves as a time capsule of the otherwise soon-to-be-forgotten moments. It gives Jeremy a sense of purpose and satisfaction. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

10 comments:

Dad of Divas said…

Kudos to you on the support that you have for Jeremy in this venture as it is a great show of devotion and pride for what he does. I am trying to let my wife understand what this is all about as she does not always understand why it is important to me and why I want to spend some of my time in this way…maybe I should have you talk to her!!! Great thoughts and a great post!

August 5, 2008 6:49 AM

Ron said…

This is a great post and a series I will be following. My sister actually got me started blogging and my wife who helped me understand the blog side of blogging.

As a man, blogging has allowed me to not just chronicle the events of my recent life, but it has also helped me think through and communicate my feelings in a way that makes me a stronger and better father/husband/friend/son.

I’ve really just gotten started “daddy-blogging” per say, and as I read the other dad’s out there it helps to know that I’m not alone in these feelings. This isn’t the sort of stuff you just share with your buds while playing ball or watching a movie, but it’s inside of us and has to come out somewhere.

Thanks MammaNuggle for sharing this and to all the wives and families who support their Daddy Blogger.

August 5, 2008 7:14 AM

Tom said…

You have to have a lot of patience and generosity, given what kinds of hours Jeremy puts toward his many blogging ventures. He is a busy guy… and you must be mighty busy as well. I’m glad you’re blogging too, and that you “get it” now! Keep on writing!

August 5, 2008 7:52 AM

A Good Husband said…

Thanks guys, for your early comments. I hope that the male bloggers out there can inspire the women in their lives to realize that there are a lot of men out there who don’t fit the male stereotype. They love their wives, are loyal, and care about their kids.

This series makes me feel good, and I didn’t have to do any writing!

August 5, 2008 8:14 AM

QJ said…

And aren’t we all glad Jeremy opened up the doors to his life? I sure am. And you, too, MN!

August 5, 2008 8:50 AM

Jeremy (Discovering Dad) said…

I’m very fortunate and thankful to have someone who is supportive of my blogging efforts. Discovering Dad has become not only an outlet for me, but also a way for good dads to connect and share their thoughts. If I didn’t have the love and support of Lori, it would be a much more difficult and less rewarding venture. I appreciate very much that Lori “gets” that it is important to me to promote healthy, involved and engaged fatherhood. I’m fortunate to have such an awesome wife!

August 5, 2008 8:59 AM

iVegasFamily said…

Great post. Jeremy is so lucky to have such a supportive and loving wife. Although my wife supports the blog and enjoys reading it she hates whenever I’m on the computer. I have to do most of my blogging in the early morning hours or during breaks at work.

August 5, 2008 9:06 AM

persistentillusion said…

“The need to connect with “virtual strangers” and allow them back-stage access to all areas of your mundane existence.”

LMAO, no kidding. This is a wonderful post.

August 5, 2008 11:23 AM

Tyler @ Building Camelot said…

My wife doesn’t “get it” either. She can’t fathom how I can spend all day in front of a computer and want to come home and blog…in front of a computer.

She’s fairly supportive…probably more than she tells me, but I have to use the PC pretty sparingly at home.

August 5, 2008 12:29 PM

Lin said…

Lori, your support of Jeremy’s blogging about your personal lives for the whole world to see is something I admire and respect about you.

My husband doesn’t quite “get it” either, but he is supportive of my writing (as long as I don’t name names…in posts that have something to do with in-laws/family stuff).

My hubby has said for years that I should write a book about my life, but my life is already splattered all over my posts, just written in more general terms for visitors, readers and family members.

August 6, 2008 4:50 AM

If you’re the All-American family: house in the suburbs, nice cars, 2.5 kids, both parents working, kids on a team for soccer, baseball, dance, routine sex once a week (usually), then it’s probably safe to say that your schedules determine more of your life than you do. Even if you don’t consider yourself the All-American family, you are most likely still able to answer the question, “so how are things?” with simple reply of… “busy.” With something scheduled every night of the week and weekends being full of more activities, have you ever stopped and wondered if you’re too busy for your marriage?

If your answer is yes, why do you suppose we allow ourselves to stay so busy? I’ve seen many couples in my counseling practice who claim that their marriage is a priority but their actions show anything but this idea.

We make time for the important things in our life. I play basketball at lunch time several times a week. I have for years. It’s tough to take that time out of the middle of the day, but I find a way to make it happen. Golf may be the thing you find time for. Or trips to the bar. Guys weekends. Hunting. Whatever it is, if it’s important enough to us, we find a way to make it happen.

So the question to hit you right between the eyes… where does your marriage fit on your list of importance?

If you’re like I was, my wife went up and down my life importance list. When I was interested in sex, she would climb the ladder of importance. After that need was met, she would fall down the list again. When I was down about something, I would seek her out in order for her to help me feel better. Once my mood was propped up, I was off to my own agenda again.

If you desire a marriage that is fully alive, it requires you to be honest with yourself and be more present and involved in the important aspects of your life.

Making time for your spouse will require you both to face the issues that get the in way of the time together. It very well could be that you both stay busy in order to save the marriage. Your busyness keeps you together, because if you slowed down and spent time together, the issues, resentments, disappointments, frustrations, etc. would come front and center.

If you discover this is the case in your marriage, seek professional help. I’ve even created a guide to help in choosing the right counselor. At the very least, be honest with yourself, and then your spouse. If marriage is important to you, show it in your actions.

Learn to say no to other schedule filling items in order to be together. Do less. Limit your kids to one activity a week. Have a regular date night, that nothing short of the Lord’s return will alter.

Making time for marriage requires more from each spouse. But the beautiful thing is, you are both capable of giving more to the marriage. And in return, you get more out of the marriage.