A Good Husband
Marriage Advice From A Man
Could You Forgive Your Spouse for Cheating?
Author: Cory H.17 Dec
image courtesy RodneyMullins.Wordpress.com
Could you forgive your spouse for cheating on you? Many people would say no way, it’s not worth it, there’s too much pain and too much trust lost.
Monday’s post about the signs of a cheating husband stirred up quite a bit of controversy - but not in the comments section. I received a flood of emails from women who had experienced cheating husbands…and who had cheated themselves. It was a stark reminder that men are not solely at fault for ruining relationships.
Some of you didn’t like that I suggested snooping in your husband’s personal affairs. You thought that it was an invasion of privacy and a sign of mistrust.
“I completely disagree with you that wives should snoop on their husband’s computer and cell phone usage if they’re suspicious. I find such behavior absolutely despicable, a major invasion of privacy. I think any snooping automatically negates any supposed “misdeeds” FYI, I’m a married woman (have been for a little over 12 years), and I would never, ever do this to my husband, no matter how suspicious or apprehensive I was.” - Sarah
Personally, I think that a good husband shouldn’t have anything to hide from his wife. My wife knows the passwords to my computer and email accounts, and she knows how to check my call history, but I understand the sentiment.
I asked one reader to share her story about the affair that severely damaged their marriage. Her husband cheated on her but she forgave him - or, is at least working on forgiving him. Here are her responses:
1) How did it come out?
“My husband confessed his affair on his own. He had an affair with an old girlfriend who lives out of state. It had been through phone calls and texting and emails. Then he flew out for a visit (on business) and spent the last night of his trip with her. He came home, and told me the next day. Based on what he said to me, the way he described his feelings (and lack there of), I knew there was a bigger problem. I told him to look up signs and symptoms of depression and Bipolar disorder and consider calling a doctor.”
2) How & why did you decide to stay?
“He called a doctor the next morning, had an appt at 3, and was put in outpatient therapy for the rest of the week. He was urged by his doctors to ‘not make any major decisions’ until after being on medication a while and having some therapy. During that time, I did my best to stay calm and unintrusive.. all while completely falling apart inside and out. He ‘wanted space’, so I gave it to him. After some time on meds, and finding out he is Bipolar, things started to improve for him. He stopped talking to the other woman about 5 weeks after his visit and decided to work on repairing our marriage. I waited patiently for his decision, for more information, for answers.. I knew that if he did not do it on his own terms, I could not trust that it was authentic.”
3) How did you get past it & what is your relationship like now?
“Infidelity literally kills a marriage. In order for a couple to stay married and recover from it, both partners have to recognize that everything they had before is gone and dead. They have to start over and rebuild from the ground up rather than trying to ‘get things back to how they used to be’. It has been less than a year since my husband’s affair, and I’m still a complete mess (but I do have other issues too that contribute to that). Getting past an affair takes hard work and dedication - it sounds rather trite and cliche, but it is the truth. If either spouse is not 100% commited and ‘in it’ then they will soon give up in frustration. I still have days where I want to just get up and walk out, but I know that that is not what God wants for me and my family. So, when things get hard, I lean on Him.
A lot about our relationship is still the same.. but a lot is different. He is now more open with me, I’m more reserved with him. He is more trusting and expressive, I’m more closed and hesitant. Hopefully, someday, we will both be more open and trusting with each other.. but I know it will take time.”
So I ask you, reader. Could you forgive your spouse for cheating on you? What if, unlike the above example, your husband cheated without the influence of mental illness? What if he simply messed up? Would you be able to forgive him then?
52 Responses for "Could You Forgive Your Spouse for Cheating?"
I agree that our wives have the right to know anything (and vice versa). If everything is right then what is there to hide? I think it is important to stay a way from all appearances of wrong. Sometimes it means telling your wife something that really isn’t a big deal just so she knows from you rather than from someone else or by other ways.
Get it out in the open. Besides that your supposed to be a team!
orlunds last blog post..Yammy Food
Honestly, I wouldn’t know how I truly would react if it happened, but I like to think I would forgive him. I know that people make mistakes, and if my husband cheated, I would be the first person to say, “What did I do that contributed to this situation?” He would have made the final mistake, but I know so many couples who have gone through this where the wife wasn’t physically affectionate, emotionally connected and often spoke ill of her husband to his face and behind his back. There are of course the couples that don’t fall into this category, but from what I’ve seen, and what I believe, a marriage is a partnership. If my husband cheated, I would learn to forgive him, grow with him in our marriage, and I would earnestly learn more about myself and how I might have contributed to him straying. Happy husbands don’t cheat in my opinion.
Untypically Jias last blog post..Twas a Very Stressful Christmas
Wow, I missed a doozy! Well, my only comment would be that you shouldn’t have to snoop through your spouse’s stuff because you should already have total access. Chris and I have equal access to each others’ email and cell phones.
In fact, that is how I found out an old girlfriend had emailed him. I was clearing out mountains of spam from his AOL accounts. He hadn’t even seen the email yet.
Trust has to be total.
A lot of times guys won’t share information like that (”Oh, it’s not important.” “It’ll only upset her.” etc) but what men don’t understand is that if your wife finds out you have had any kind of correspondence from a woman you have been romantically involved with - and you didn’t tell her - she’ll feel betrayed. Even if you pressed the ‘delete’ button, it is still important.
Be what the government should be: totally transparent.
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I agree that it’s not really “snooping” when someone looks at their spouses emails, internet history, or phone calls. It shouldn’t be hidden from each other in the first place. If my husband didn’t want me looking at what he’s been up to online, that would be a BIG red flag for me. And vice versa. The marriage relationship is different from any other relationship - it should be the most open and trusting of any other relationship you have or have had.
As far as forgiving, I think it’s probably hasty to assume how I would act, because situations can vary tremendously (Is he sorry? Has it stopped? Does he want the marriage to continue?) All I know is that with the help of the Lord, a person can forgive almost anything - not because they are necessarily able to, but because He is. It’s a bridge I never hope to cross, but I hope that I would at least be able to do whatever was right and good for myself and my marriage.
I have nothing to hide from my wife, but I would feel a lack of trust if she was reading through my email and text messages. I won’t prevent her (she knows my passwords), but if she can’t just ask, trust has already been lost. Broken trust needs to be worked out or it will continue to fester until the relationship itself breaks.
Trust and openness are not the same thing. Trust is the confidence to not need to know all of the details.
I would absolutely be able to forgive my husband and vice versa. I know that I speak for my husband too, in everything I’m about to say.
People do bad things for a reason. Very rarely does anyone sin just for the fun of it. Even in cases where a spouse is continually cheating, there is a much deeper problem creating the situation than “He likes sex and wants to have his cake and eat it too.”
People can legitimately have sex addictions and the source of the problem is usually a huge lack of love. People who didn’t get enough love and affection when they were kids OR, they got too much. When you don’t get enough, you have a deep hole of emptiness you try to fill with intimacy. When someone gets too much affection and praise as a child, they can (if personalities are pre-disposed to this kind of reaction) feel empty when they grow up and don’t have the world repeated back to them what they’ve heard their whole life. They don’t understand why everyone doesn’t recognize their specialness like their parents did.
Ultimately, we make our own decisions and yes, we should be held accountable for them. But even very intelligent, otherwise together adults, can make stupid choices out of a deep need and hurt. Even intelligent adults can be confused.
I’ve concluded that no one really does bad things when they truly understand the consequences of their actions. If this woman’s husband could see into eternity, could FEEL how she would feel after he cheated on her, could feel how he would feel and how the other woman would feel– if he knew everything before he sinned– he wouldn’t have done it. He likely got confused and allowed himself to be blinded by Satan. He may have had the best intentions every step of the way. And chances are, he probably feels pretty dumb and embarrassed that this happened.
It’s too easy to forget that grown ups are like little children. It’s too easy to get married and forget to pour love into our marriages everyday. We seem big and tough and we can get to the point where we’re so numb that even we don’t realize how much we’re hurting inside.
Sometimes it can take an affair to realize how much love we’ve been lacking.
When a married person has an affair with another married person, it’s usually the case that four people contributed to that situation, unknowingly.
If my husband cheated on me, I would examine whether or not I had been giving him enough love and security and emotional intimacy. If I really felt that I had, I would think that he had a deep hurt inside, a deep need for which he needed professional help. I would recognize that he’s a good person and he loves me but that his ability to love as fully as he should is impaired by the deep hurt and need HE has inside. And that would not be my problem, it would be his. And so, I wouldn’t take the affair personally. I wouldn’t sit and dwell and imagine what they did together. Sex is just sex. It’s the emotions we attach to the act that can hurt people involved.
If my husband had shared his heart with someone else, I’d recognize that it would take time to let go of his feelings for the other person. Letting go of contact would be necessary but would probably be very hard. As wrong as it would be for him to love someone else, it’s human. People are lovable. I would give him time to get over it, not expecting his heart to work like a light switch, and I’d work to create a closer relationship.
While it’s completely natural for this woman to pull away from her husband who hurt her, and it’s natural for her to have trouble trusting him with her thoughts and emotions, it is hindering the relationship. She’s creating distance between her and someone who’s already demonstrated that he’s vulnerable to seeking love elsewhere. He needs to find it with her.
Problems are opportunities to the Lord. An affair can be a catalyst to creating a far better relationship than you ever even had to begin with. And I disagree that the old relationship has to die. The problems that caused the situation need to die. The good stuff can be kept.
I’ve seen people overcome affairs with grace and great charity.
Natashas last blog post.."Everything’s amazing, nobody’s happy."
Simply, NO. And I wouldn’t expect him to, either, if the roles were reversed. In my mind, there is no excuse for infedility - you’re either committed to each other or you’re not. You don’t get to have it both ways.
I’d like to comment on the “snooping” aspect of the conversation. People need privacy and couples need appropriate boundaries.
I have a couple email accounts that my wife has access to, and one that she doesn’t. I use it to talk to my brother–about my wife. And my wife has friends that she talks to about our marriage. I want her to, because people need other peoples’ perspectives. It’s a good thing! The fact that many of these conversations are digitally traceable doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for the spouse to see all their content.
This whole blog is about marriage advice - would you insist your spouse not get any private counseling without you eavesdropping? If they knew you were listening, they would definitely change the questions they would be willing to ask a therapist, or a friend. The effectiveness of the therapy would be lessened and the marriage would be jeopardized as a result of the very thing you’re doing to try to protect it.
Furthermore, snooping doesn’t work. You can’t know everything your spouse is doing and you certainly can’t prevent them from doing it; the best you can be is a cop at the scene of the crime–too late. At worst, snooping makes the spied-upon person feel untrusted. That won’t build up the relationship. Intimacy is not taken by force, it has to be offered.
What’s the alternative? Knowing the state of your relationship, and being willing to have difficult conversations when it isn’t going well or you suspect your spouse is tempted. Voluntary openness.
You know, if my husband were to ask to read emails I write to other men (blog commenters, for example) I would let him. No problem. But I don’t like the idea of him secretly snooping through my email account. If he feels he needs to snoop, there’s a trust issue. And if I feel like there’s something I don’t want to share, there’s a problem. It’s that simple.
Natashas last blog post.."Everything’s amazing, nobody’s happy."
Leisl - while I think you’re right, that there’s no excuse for infidelity, I often wonder if there’s not some merit to what Natasha says. People don’t do things to be mean or malicious. Is there really not ANY circumstance where you could forgive?
Natasha - beautiful comment. Here’s hoping you never have to put it to the test.
Jeff - highly relevant comment. Snooping really doesn’t work and it probably causes more stress than it cures. Voluntary openness is great. What happens, though, if you have a spouse who is very, very private by nature and doesn’t want to share that openly?
Hey, emailing wife here…
I should have added in one thing I tell people often who are answering the ‘Would you forgive?’ question..
There isn’t really a way to know whether or not you would or would not forgive. My husband remembered back to a time in our relationship when I had told him point blank that if he ever cheated, I would leave. I told him I would not stand for that and that I would not be able to live with someone who could betray me like that. (I don’t remember saying it to him.. but he does, and I believe him). He came home expecting to be sent packing. He told me at the risk of losing me. Why? Because he was so emotionally numb that he was actively seeking to ‘hit bottom’ and have God break his heart.. he wanted to hurt. He wanted to feel something, anything. It didn’t work.
He had blinders on when it came to seeing who I was, as his wife, his partner, his friend. I would feel better if I were able to say that I played a part in all of it (and he does agree with me on all of this), but I did not. It hurts more knowing that I did not deserve this at all.. and being someone who was sexually abused as a child, I have enough issues with trust and relationships.
It is very true that affairs that are reconciled can bring about stronger deeper relationships. But I would be lying if I told you that we are so much better off now. Sure, there are parts of our marriage that are indeed stronger. But there are parts that still need healing. I know it will happen, but it will take time.. and I don’t think that my honesty about my lack of trust is ‘hindering’ our healing. It is simply saying ‘I am still working on this.’ As I said, it has been less than a year.. only about 9 months, since this happened. The kind of trust (especially coming from someone like me) can not be regained over night.. Even if forgiveness has been given.
I am happy to see so many say they WOULD forgive. Some close friends of ours dealt with infidelity only months after we did.. they are now divorced. It breaks our hearts to see how hurt they are. Often, when I see the topic discussed, the overwhelming majority is in the ‘absolutely no forgiveness’ camp. I can’t help but wonder how many would reconsider if they were actually faced with losing their chosen life partner, their best friend.
Natasha, you’re right that there’s a problem if one wants to talk to somebody about something but they don’t want to share it with their spouse. Sometimes it’s you–you’re not willing or able to share. Other times the problem in the marriage comes first, and the private discussion is an attempt to solve it.
Here’s an example: in the past I’ve had the tendency to invalidate my wife’s feelings by listening to her complaints–some about me, some not–and then reframing the situation in terms of the facts. Maybe to defend myself, if it was a complaint about me. I might have been factually right but I wasn’t acknowledging her feelings. My wife tried many times to tell me that that needed to change, but she couldn’t communicate it in a way that I could understand. So she asked her friends how to communicate better with me. If I had heard those conversations, they wouldn’t have helped me understand the problem between us, but I would have felt manipulated and I would have resisted all of the ideas they discussed.
I’m a flawed person. A lot of people are, and I think my wife would say she is too. Our relationship toolboxes are missing some parts. The good news is, it works. Getting someone else’s perspective and advice, frankly and privately, can make a world of difference.
Cory - people need different degrees of privacy. It’s important to make sure you’re compatible that way before you get married. Some amount of openness is necessary to have a working marriage, so nobody can be completely clammed up.
“I completely disagree with you that wives should snoop on their husband’s computer and cell phone usage if they’re suspicious. I find such behavior absolutely despicable, a major invasion of privacy.”
I completely disagree. If you have valid suspicions you need to check it out. I have no problem with my wife ‘checking.’. Obviously I’d prefer she talk to me if she has those concerns. That being said, some people go to great lengths to hide and protect an affair — I’ve seen this, and depending on who you are some are very good at it.
If you are honestly suspicious and not paranoid, and have reasons to be suspicious, examples of coming home late, receipts, phone calls whatever, and you investigate and find out it is true then good for you, and if it is not true the partner should be able to understand why you did it … if they can’t based on the reasons for your suspicions then that is a sign of a different problem.
I always trust my ‘little voice’, it has never failed me. Usually it is bang on and the few times it has not been, it is always ‘in the ball park’.
-mike
I have to have some privacy. I work out my feelings in writing and couldn’t do it if I felt they were going to be read by my spouse. Some of you feel that your are an open book. I disagree. You can never fully know a person. You cannot climb into their brains and hear their inner voice. How many of your have shared thinking about another person during sex? Bet not. That is an emotional affair.
We have all assumed that to stay in the marriage = forgiveness. I believe a person can forgive their spouse and still choose to leave the marriage. And likewise, a person can chose to stay and never forgive.
Could I forgive? I believe I could forgive but I don’t know if I could stay. I have forgiven some huge things in the past and stayed. But even though I have forgiven (I’m going with the definition where forgiveness means you release them from the offense) even though I have forgiven, I continue to struggle with the pain that it caused. I also believe that you can forgive and continue to have trust issues. If I forgave you for snatching my cookie, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t watch the plate more carefully.
Our friend who answered Cory’s questions in the post is very brave. I understand her pulling away to protect herself emotionally. If her husband is repentive, he’ll give her time to heal. He needs to pave the way to make it safe for her to open up.
There are things that can happen in a marriage that are worse than an affair. The death of a child. A couple I knew never recovered from their teenage son committing suicide. They each wanted to blame the other and it all feel apart. Being able to forgive and heal, no matter what caused the injury, is a gift that God gives us. I wonder how people make it without God’s love and power over the process of forgiveness and healing a marriage.
That’s certainly a difficult question to answer having not been in the actual situation.
Like many of the others here, I would like to believe that I could forgive her, and I think that over time I actually could. At the same time though, I know that I can hold onto anger and distrust for years. I also have a horrible temper that I am usually able to control quite well. But, if I saw the guy I’m sure my initial thoughts would lean heavily towards all the violence I could possibly inflict upon him, and I’m not entirely sure I could hold back all of that.
Part of that is based on my temper, and part on my upbringing as well. Growing up in a small town in Texas, one of the first rules of life that a man teaches his son here is to never touch another man’s wife (which applies both ways). If another man ever touches your wife then you use the fullness of your power to defend her. Now, that’s generally meant to be applied to situations where your wife is unwilling, but that reaction still crops up when she is willing.
So, while I would like to hope that I could because of how much I love her, I know that I would react quite strongly to it and that it would take a long time for me to forget about it and move on. And knowing myself as I do, I wouldn’t be surprised if I was never able to really let it go. I wouldn’t keep bringing it up and shoving it in her face, but there would always be that sense of distrust eating away at me and it would certainly impact the relationship.
So, to sum all of that up. I do think that I could forgive and carry on, but it would take a long time for trust to be reestablished (assuming I could trust again at all). And while I have some chance of forgiving my wife, I seriously doubt that the man would ever receive true forgiveness from me as he likely just got himself a life-long supply of hostility.
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I don’t like the idea of people snooping around in my stuff, but I also have nothing to hide. My wife knows all of my passwords, and I know hers. But we aren’t going to go around digging through emails and such. If you have a solid prompt that something’s aloof, then it’s probably time to sit down and talk to your spouse rather than sneaking through their stuff. If you’re looking through my things and hiding it from me, then trust is already lost to some degree because you’re hiding something from me now.
Snooping around after I’ve assured you nothing is going on is a lot like blaming for something I didn’t do. And I very much dislike being blamed for something that I didn’t do. If you accuse me of something and I tell you that I didn’t do it, and then you keep insisting that I did then you probably just pissed me off. And when I’m falsely accused, I generally have a desire to go out and do what you just accused me of just to slap you in the face with it. “You obviously couldn’t get over the fact that I didn’t do it, so I decided to actually go and do it just so you can move on with your life.” I got accused of being too rough playing with one of my friends and trying to hurt him on purpose by both him and his mom. I told them I didn’t and they didn’t believe me, so my response was to go and beat the crap out of him so that they had a valid reason for all the finger pointing. There you go, now you have something to gripe about. I’m certainly not the best person, but I’m not going to lie to you when we’re talking about something serious.
If my wife were to accuse me of cheating on her and refused to accept that I didn’t, then I have no doubt that I would be tempted to go out right then and do it. Having said that, I’m almost positive that I could actually resist that temptation because my marriage is so important to me, but I have absolutely no doubt that the temptation would be there. I use “almost positive” because I’m aware that this is a weakness in me and if I were angry enough it’s possible that my anger would burn through my resistance to it. And my wife is already aware of this aspect of my personality as well.
I forgot to add to my comment that everything I said presupposes there’s repentance.
I think you CAN know for certain how you’d react when you understand things about human nature right to your heart. When it’s no longer an intellectual understanding but a deep soul understanding. I think my forgiving some things that are hard, you can know how you’d forgive other things that are hard. For example, I was mistreated over and over by my mother. So much of what she did is even more hurtful than an affair because she was my MOTHER. She should have loved me more than anyone else on earth, right? I finally have forgiven her because I understand deeply how much she didn’t understand. I understand so much more about human nature and frailty now that can be applied to any situation.
And I’ve had other things to forgive my husband for. The key has always been to understand his heart. I know him. I know he wouldn’t hurt me out of a complete selfish disregard.
That said, there are people who marry without a real commitment in their heart. They marry on false pretenses and they don’t think it’s a big deal to cheat and hide it so they can have selfish pleasure. Those people are asses. There’s a good reason for why they are such, I’m sure, but people like that should maybe be left by the wayside. I don’t think that most affairs fall into this category.
Natashas last blog post.."Everything’s amazing, nobody’s happy."
(That was supposed to say “by forgiving things that are hard”, not “my”.)
Natashas last blog post.."Everything’s amazing, nobody’s happy."
Emailing wife: I was sexually abused as a child, too. Then later raped by my teenage boyfriend. I get the trust issue. My trust issue is that I don’t trust that people will love me because I haven’t seen it much in action, even though I think I’m very lovable.
Natashas last blog post.."Everything’s amazing, nobody’s happy."
I am not marrried yet (engaged) but I recently found out my fiance’ - who is a recovering alcoholic - got drunk and slept with his ex while he was working out of town. I was devastated, not so much because he cheated but because he lied about it for a week. Even when she sent me pictures (I asked her for proof).
I could forgive the cheating, NEVER the lying. I did not think I would be able to ever let him touch me again. I told him the only way I would be able to forgive him was if he went to church with me and confessed to God. He went, out of desperation. When he finally did admit the affair to me - after a week of calling her a “lying whore” who was just trying to break us up - I tried to forgive him. It didn’t work; I was still a wreck. So I ended the engagement.
We got back together last week but I do have trust issues with him now that I am working on. I do answer his cell phone every now and then but I refuse to follow him around to see whether or not he is seeing someone else. If I felt the need to baby-sit him for the rest of our relationship I would move on. I know that he really does love me, he just made a mistake. Through that I have managed to find some peace. For his part,he has stopped drinking - and continues to go to church (on his own). I am not sure what will happen in the future but I do know that hatred and anger is exhausting and will only destroy you.
My husband told me 2 weeks ago that he had cheated on me. I was always one to say “You cheat you go.” Simple. But. when you truely love someone its a lot harder than you may think. I am really stuck now trying to figure out how to deal with this emotionally. I love my husband, and he is truely sorry for what he did. The fact that he came out and told me, instead of me finding out elsewhere makes a world of difference.Though it does not change the pain and feeling of worthlessness.
Yes I agree with Sharita , the lying is even harder to deal with. Hopefully one day i will trust him, but it may never happen. I dont think giving up on our marriage is the answer I think that You made the wows for better for worse. Well its worse now and one day will get better. I know my writing jumps around alot. probably from confusion.
My point is You may think you know how you would react but every situation is different .
@Sharita- I am so sorry that happened to you. I can only imagine the pain you must feel. I believe the easy solution is to leave. It is much braver to stick it out like you are doing and work on what ever set it into motion. You are an admirable person. For better or worse, yes. May your “better” come soon!
Correstion: My message was for Nem. Sorry. Old eyes….
If I am the one to say I did cheat on my wife and she new something was wrong when I got back from my business trip. She has never checked my cell phone before but did this time and found a text message from the person in question.
She immediately wanted to bash my head in and did a good job of hitting me instead with a pillow multiple times until she was tired. She then told me at first she had to divorce me because she was that hurt by what I had done. What ultimately saved our marriage was the kids and the fact that she could not think of them being without their father. So we decided to get professional help instead of divorcing.
I am now in a 16 week program for sex addicts. My wife is in a similar program for spouses of sex addicts. A book that was my wife’s saving grace through all of this was one written by Richard Blankeship called S.A.R.A.H. SPOUSES OF ADDICTS REBUILDING AND HEALING http://www.sarahbook.com/Welcome.html My wife and I are now in the process of rebuilding our marriage. I suffer from a very bad case of Adult ADD that contributed to my sexual addition. I have learned in my men’s group program that many men suffer from this same ailment which can lead them to think that having an affair would make them feel better but in the end just makes things worse. This program also helps people like me get a better understanding of what else in our adult and especially in our childhood could have been another contributor to my addition.
It all started with seeing my first sexual encounter on television at my friends house when I was only 10 years old. I then lead to girly/porn magazines and then my first sexual encounter at 14 years old.
So for all the men who feel they may be feeling an urge to do more than just successively look at porn I suggest getting tested for Adult ADD and seeking some professional help to understand why.
There’s no way in hell my wife would ever forgive me (not that she has any reason to). She had (and still has) some issues with her father growing up and is already very skittish when it comes to trust and I might as well pack my bags if I ever cheated.
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I am going through this situation of having my husband cheat. I found out about it almost a year ago. At first my reaction was to throw him out which, I did for almost a week. We have been with each other for 20 years, married for 12 at the time I found out. We also I have 4 children. My parents divorced because my father cheated and my younger brother divorced recently because both had cheated. I don’t really understand why it happened. I know that my husband had changed over the past few years alot of things happened. We lost our home to forclosure which was our first home that we had just bought 2 years prior. He was a compulsive gambler and drinker. I love him
and I knew he loved our family. I believe that I have forgiven him but the hardest part is forgetting. Many things have changed with him. His family is definetly the
most important part in his life now. I thing that if you love someone you can learn to forgive and at sometime when it is right with you you will forget.
I’m not sure i can forgive my husband. It has only been 3 months since I found out. I may be able to accept the fact that he cheated but not forgive. We are working hard to repair our marriage but it will never be the same.I am most dissappointed because i thought he would never have feelings for another woman other than me.He traveled out of town a lot which gave him opportunity. I wish there was a way to forgive but I found out 4 days before our 8th wedding anniversary.
@kilby-
I am so sorry that you have been hurt like you have. While you feel that you cannot forgive, it is possible. Forgiveness is not about a feeling, it is a choice you make. You have to wake up every day and choose to forgive him that day. Can you forgive him right now in this moment? Forgiveness is not shielding him from the natural consequences of his actions but not holding it against him. It is giving him the opportunity to rebuild the trust, earn your respect again, and work on himself and why he felt the need to reach out to another like he did. It is about him and not about you. It has nothing to do with your worth. HE will suffer some natural consequences like being more accountable for his time etc but that is a part of rebuilding the trust. If you continue in your marriage without forgiving him, your commitment will be the bars of your prison. Think of forgiveness as a choice and not a feeling. If you are a Christian, think about how God graces us with his forgiveness everyday even though we don’t deserve it. See if you can choose to forgive for just one day or one hour or even one minute. It will be a gift you give yourself more than your spouse. Forgiving him is really about nurturing yourself. Be kind to yourself and choose forgiveness.
I forgave my wife for cheating.
It was VERY difficult I learned of this on the night of our 17th wedding anniversary…. her “lover” called our home ( to his surprize) I happened to answer the phone, I figured the point of the call was to wish “us” a Happy Anniversary since , He and my wife were co-workers and good friends (like the previous others callers had done) …….I felt was if my life had flashed before my eyes….when he explained -not only were they friends…. “I have been dating your wife for 2yrs”
I thought this was some cruel joke/prank…(Okay ya got me)……….My wife confessed …it was true…she was in tears (and me too) sayin it was a big mistake, it was off and on for about 2yrs , he was married w/kids (just like us)…however ,unlike us ,he was not happy in his marriage ….he and my wife began to get closer - discussing “the world….etc”…she said one thing lead to another………figured secret would be safe ‘cos they’re married and both had something to lose.
She ended the affair,but he wasn’t ready. She said he keep making threats of exposing this to me to ruin our marriage (guess misery does love company)…my wife didn’t believe he really do that………..he waited until our anniversary to drop that bombshell.
I forgave her, I haven’t forgotten….cos she didn’t JUST cheat on me …..she CHEATED on our family.
Love conquers all
I forgave my wife , not the easiest thing to do.
We talked it through [all the how,when,where and why(s)]….She did say that - If I were to cheat on her (revenge) then there would be nothing she could say…….
I did think of that for a moment….but two wrongs don’t make a right…….My luck I would catch an std/or pregnate some chick on a fling….
There is hardly a day that goes by that I don’t think of what my wife has done to our family….surely she feels the same….at times I can see it on her face and when I do ….I hold her and tell ” I love her” and everythings gonna be okay….not ‘cos it seems like the thing to do…but ‘cos its true……
We have been thru a get deal together….good times and bad…I have never cheated on her…I am a very attractive man …lot of women hit on me from time to time …but, Ive never acted on it (temptation is really sumtin)…..
Good Luck.
I have been married for nearly 9 years, with 2 children and I always thought an affair was an absolute deal breaker…until my my husband admitted to having one during my last pregnancy while we lived apart for 2 months. This was only last month that he admitted to it so I can’t say for sure how it will work out but this is what I do know. When he moved back home he as EXTREMELY secretive about his phone, which he had never been prior. I knew something had happened without snooping, although I must say I tried but he deleted all texts and didn’t keep names in his contacts. I did tell him I did this, and he was very upset, which just further fueled my suspitions. Well, I didn’t think our marriage had problems before but since then I have taken it as an opportunity to reclaim who I was before I got married. Now I take care of myself much better, even when I don’t leave the house…no sweats at home, etc. I buy fancy underwear again, and just have been rejuvinating my spirit and indivuality. It’s driving my husband crazy, in a good way. Our spark has been re-lit and of course there is still pain and anger I am working through, our relationship is looking better than it has in years. My husband also has mental illness that he has begun getting treatment for, he just got diagnosed with celiac disease which had been left untreated his whole life and led to severe malnutrition and depression. I am sure it was a factor in our problems but I don’t accept it as an excuse for cheating.
My wife had an affair (mostly an emotional affair and some kissing, but no sex) and I feel that we are dealing with it well except for one thing. The man she had an affair with is one of her only friends and they have swapped childcare together (we both have 3 year olds). They did a lot of childcare together and have swapped kids to give the other a break. I truly believe my wife is over him ad would not do anything again (we’ve had a lot of stress in our lives leading to the affair), but she wants to remain friends with him; he’s her only childcare support; and while she understands that I don’t want my kids near him, and while she accepts that, I know she wants me to move past it.
JF,
It may be difficult for her but she gave up that luxury when she took their relationship too far. There are always ups and downs in marriages and the next down you may experience should be personal and he shouldn’t be around. If they had been emotionally close I think that is a bigger reason to distance themselves from each other. My husband’s affair was with a co-worker and also mainly emotional. Like you, I know he’s over her and she over him (she is also married) but to remain friends is not healthy. In my opinion, you need to put your marriage above all else, including babysitting. It may be difficult but their are ways in most communities to find good childcare wether it be through other parents at your child’s preschool or activities, or through a service or word of mouth. This is not an unfair request of yours and your wife should understand that, despite how she now feels about this man.
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No, I read somewhere that only God forgives..My husband cheated on me(we had been married 30+ years). I found out on my own, he tried to lie his way out, but I had evidence.Later, under cconstant pressure from me he admitted his infidelity. After 4 years, I still suffer from the depression and heartache it has caused.
I found this while searching for a way to forgive my husband for cheating… it has been 7 months since I found out that he cheated on me and I am still a mess. I intially kicked him out, I did not want it to be over, but I needed him out of the house while I went through all the emotions I needed to go through. We were forced to spend a weekend together shortly after that for a wedding and a family reunion (I did not feel up to answering the many questions of his whereabouts) and we were able to sort things out… at least so I thought.
I seem to be going through waves of forgiveness, and I can not seem to get over it. I can not even decide if I really forgive him or not. Some days I do, most days I do not.
I found out by going on his Facebook page… oh, Facebook. I had never snooped before, but I had a feeling for over a year that he was cheating on me, so I had to see if I could find something to either prove it, or prove me wrong… I just needed an end to it. Well, right away I found my answer. He had been cheating on me with a “kid”… it started while she was still in University!!! They worked together (well, she was a summer student) and I could not believe what I was reading! He wrote things to her that he had never even said to me… he was a completely different person.
I confronted him right away and he denied it, until I showed him the Facebook thread I had printed up (he thought he had deleted everything). It had already ended, but it had still happened and that was enough to kill me emotionally. He said it was like looking at a porn magazine for him, just a release and nothing more. I still can not accept this, but this is the only reason he can give me. They only fooled around once, but emotionally they had an affair for over a year… while I was pregnant with our 2nd child and into the first few months of her life.
I still question if I would have forgiven him if we did not have children together… I honestly can not answer that. I want to forgive him, I want to trust him… but I am not sure either are ever going to happen.
I agree that a spouse is entitled to their privacy, and I had never snooped before this, but if a spouse is giving you enough of a reason to snoop than the trust is already gone.
If anyone has any advice on how to forgive someone for cheating, I would love to hear it… I just need to know if there is any hope of ever fully forgiving and trusting him again. I can not live my life like this forever!
S
Dear S,
I saw this woman on Oprah and checked out her site. I found it great for giving hope and there is also free newsletters you can sign up for. I haven’t read her book yet but I am ordering it. I have gone through and read the articles on the site and they were very helpful to my husband and I. The link is http://www.beyondaffairs.com Her article on what forgiveness is and how to get there was very insightful and worth the read. I am not to that point yet but hope to be some day. Good luck on your journey!
[...] JF left a comment on Could You Forgive Your Spouse for Cheating? My wife had an affair (mostly an emotional affair and some kissing, but no sex) and I feel that we [...]
I don’t believe this sort of thing is forgivable. I mean it will always be in your subconscious, and nothing you can do will ever make you forget what happened.
Early January my husband of 26 years started being grumpy. This lasted for a couple of weeks until I told him we needed to talk and asked him what was going on. He said that he had had an affair and that the guilt was killing him. I had no idea as he had been acting the same as normal. We are usually very close and contact each other during the day just to say love you and hello. We are comfy and intimate together all the time.
I was shocked and he told me he did not feel needed at home anymore ( our kids are 20, 18 and 14) and that I do everything for them anyway. He said the affair had ended and he just needed time to sort himself out.
This was nearly 2 months ago. I am hurting so bad each day but I love him so much and want to make things work. My problem is that I keep finding out that he is still having an affair but he denies it and says that if I can’t trust him he does not want to be at home. He keeps threatening to leave but he has not done it so something must be holding him at home.
I now know who the other person is and she is still currently married with children also. I had no reason to doubt my husband before but now I do check his phone and see messages they send to each other every day. He has excuses about being late home after work which are getting more obvious. He seems obsessed by this other woman (and she with him) and is blinded by the weak excuses he comes up with. He is also drinking and driving, speeding and is acting like a defiant teenager (came home with a tattoo last weekend, proudly showing it off).
I want to hold on more than anything because I know that if he can come to his senses we can work through this and I believe our marriage is worth it. I just don’t know whether he is just using me until he can get set up with her or whether he is just confused and really does need time.
At the moment he has all the power because if I doubt anything he says, I am not showing trust. If I tell him how much I love him and shower him with all the love I can, it is emotional blackmail. So are tears.
I want to stay with him and he does still love me but will not now tell me if he intends staying or not because he says that if he says anything at all I will use it against him.
At this stage I will try being positive (even though it is hurting me so much inside) and if he can decide that it is not so bad at home, he may come around. He did comment that he now hates coming home to tears and accusations.
Wendy, I’m so sorry to hear about that. Your husband obviously has an issue. In order to work through it, the affair must stop. No healing can happen until the affair ends. You need to tell him you’re leaving unless it ends - and then follow through with it. Go to your parents, a hotel, a friend, but go somewhere. He has to be made to choose between you and her.
One more thing Wendy - your situation is unique, just like everyone’s. What I said was merely a suggestion. You need to think & pray about what to do, and God will guide you. Best of luck.
Mary - Thank you for the link, I have been reading some of the articles… hopefully I can get there one day. I have started dreaming a lot at night and every night involves my husband with another women, not cheating, but there is always another women close by… almost like a shadow… this is pretty much exactly how I feel… there is always another women in my mind while I am spending time with my husband.
Wendy - Of course you do not trust him, he destroyed that trust! He has to understand that, but if he is drinking and going through some life-issues, he will not be able to see that. He obviously needs to see someone about his issues, by himself. He needs to get himself sorted out before you guys can work on your marriage. I also feel very strongly that he has to cut off all contact with the other women… if they work together, something has to change. Good luck with everything!
Sandi
@Wendy- I am so sorry this is happening to you. I agree with the comments of Cory and Sandi. I would like to add, get some advice on what you need to do to take care of yourself. Do you have money? Can you set up your own bank account and put some of your joint money in it? I think I would see a counselor myself to make sure I wasn’t being a codependent in the situation and was making sure to put myself in the best situation possible. Please comment back with how you are doing in this. Once again, I am so sorry. The pain you are experiencing has to be tremendous. Take care…
I suspected my husband of cheating and so I did look through his phone and computer accounts. He caught on and put a pass code on his cell and computer, telling me he has nothing to hide but I just shouldn’t be snooping. No more than a few weeks later, his friend tells me he is in fact cheating on me with another woman. I confront him and he admits it. A woman always knows, trust your insticts.
It is also killing me being away from him (he has since moved out) but I can’t trust him anymore. No matter what he says or does that trust is gone. Even if he did come back home, I would make our relationship worse b/c he would be constantly accused of cheating. The right thing for me to do was to let him go. He should’ve said no…then we wouldn’t have been in that position.
I ve been cheating on my wife since 1998. i feel no remorse cause I don’t love her.
@Marco- than show your wife some respect and let her go make a life for herself.
I always said that I would never forgive anyone for cheating on me, that I could never tolerate that. Then I grew up, got married, had kids and my husband had an affair!
Oh I was angry and hurt but I realized that I loved him and he loved me and that by leaving we would be doing more than hurting each other. Things are still not great with us but we are working on it together. It has been a long slow process!
As for snooping…I agree that he should have nothing to hide. I know all of my husbands passwords and how to check internet history and phone records. That is how I found out about his affair! I think that if you suspect he is cheating he probably is and you have every right to know!
It will be 18 years we have been married. I found out a little over a month that my husband has cheated on me. I knew something was up becasue he wasn’t touching me the same or kissing me the same. I tried to check his phone but he locked it which he had never done before. I confronted him demanded to know what was going on. He told me that he was talking to another woman for a month and a half. Started on myspace then they started texting and calling each other. He wouldn’t tell me who she was that it would be a big mess if I were to find out. After 2 weeks of him telling me that they never met up and that he was sorry that it was just a friend. I just had a feeling that there was something more. I found out that his e-mail password had been changed. We always had each others passwords but I never checked up on him. He refussed to give me his password so I changed it to be able to get access. I found a picture of him and her in bed. Both us and her are married with 2 kids. Our kids are the same age and are good friends. I confronted both of them. They stated it only happened that one time and promised only that one time. They knew what the did was a mistake and couldn’t do it again. The worst part of all this is that I was their babysitter the night that it happened. She asked me eariler that week if her son could come sleep at my house that night. I think I would be able to handle it much better if it was something that just happened but for something like this to be planned hurts.
I had told him from the beginning of our marriage, if he were ever to cheat on me that I could never take him back. Now that I am going through this I am willing to try to work this out but I will never let him put me through this again. My oldest son is taking this pretty hard. He is a momma’s boy.
Interesting question. I can tell you right now that I suspected that my husband was having an affair and asked him about it. What a joke, all I did was give him a heads up. He denys it to this day. I feel as if we can’t move forward, but he is calling me crazy and wants me to “shut up” about it. I asked him in 2004, dropped it and then flat out accused him in 2005. I believe he ended the affair in 2006 when I took some actions to learn the truth. Now I will never know and we will never be able to work on the cause. He how ever will get to continue to be abusive to me anytime he feels like I am “checking up.” I am a stay at home mom. We agreed when our children were small and I gave up my career. All I can say is, good job men! Our children will never forget this family secret that was never resolved.
I will also say that I don’t believe that b.s. about it being the fault of the faithful spouse. We have every right to ask for a separtation or a divorce if we truly feel that our spouse is abusing our love and commitment to them or at the very least to suggest counciling as a way to renegotiate terms of the relationship.
Would I forgive him, yes, if he asked for forgiveness, but he does not want to have any boundaries that he is not willing to set for himself.
A cheating husband broke my heart..and then crushed it. I know a mistake can happen ..but after 10 years of marriage how can someone have their supposedly first affair on your wedding anniversary..He has lied over and over..I try to forgive..I know God has forgiven him but it is so hard..I can not even enjoy our wedding anniversary..they say time heals..but sometimes I think a broken heart can never be mended..He also knew I had been severly hurt by my father in the past..I pray every day for God to heal my pain and for me to completely trust my husband again…..
i just found out yesterday that my husband is having an affair. i have been suspecting for some time now but we have only been married for 7 months am crushed & whats worse is that he says he doesnt even know the same woman they just chat on the internet, i dont no whatto do help me
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