Having someone trained in listening, questioning and being neutral will allow you and your wife to concentrate on identifying key issues like why kayaking is so important and then create a plan for how to manage them in your real life.
You can learn more about this at http://www.mediationtostaymarried.com Laurie Israel, a colleague of mine, is a pioneer in this field.

Here’s hoping you find what you need.

Dinas last blog post..Thanksgiving madness and The Gratitude Project

We go lots of places together, in fact we are out of town around 50% of the time. I realize everyone needs their own space from time to time but it is the duration of her trips. A day or two, fine. But planning an 11 day trip 6 months in advance without even telling me..sheesh.

I/we (sometimes me alone) am seeing a therapist, we started this when she told me “she loved me but was not in love with me” a classic line so I hear. Anyway, she says she loves me now and I believe it but I sure get lonely when she is gone for an extended period of time.

I have made up my mind that when she goes, I am going to “get gone” too, whether it be a local hangout or a trip to to Alaska, I simply am not going to have a pity party for myself. A friend of mine called tonight wanting me to go to a local watering hole with him. I said no. As the saying goes: “opportunity knocks once but temptation leans on the doorbell”.

We/I am scheduled to see the therapist in Jan, her going is optional, I am going to leave it completely up to her.

Thanks for your reply,

RM

Sounds like the two of you have a lot of issues to work out. I would recommend seeking a therapist. Beyond that, I would say that if your wife is asking about opportunities to go somewhere or do something with you, you should do it. She has opportunities to do plenty with other people, but she is showing that she wants to go somewhere with you. If you really want to work things out, perhaps you should give that a go.

Any other suggestions from the community?

I had planned to go there and renew our wedding vows for our 25th anniversary. When I found out about the Green River trip I told her about my plans for our anniversary but that I had canceled them.

She brought up going to Prague for our anniversary last week. I flat out told her that was NOT going to happen.

Am I being too harsh? I am still annoyed about this third person in our marriage but realize I cannot change her.

RM

My wife and I have been married almost 25 years and I have been the sole provider for the last 19 years. I am retired at 48 and we have three kids in college. We are empty nesters now.

It seems now that the kids are out of the house that her interest are now the third party in our relationship. She LOVES to kayak, I couldn’t care less about it.

Recently she planned an overnight camping trip with one of her girlfriends and I was fine with that. I told her I was going on a motorcycle trip while she was gone and she let into me that I was just doing that because she was taking this trip.

I told her that was not so but I canceled my trip and stayed home, two of the kids came by from school and I never even got to throw a leg over the bike.

Last year (07) I had planned a trip to see the Northern Lights, something I’ve wanted to do for years. She let me know right quick that she was planning a trip to the Green River in Utah to go kayaking with her friends so she could not go see the Northern Lights with me. I was very upset that she had planned this trip this far in advance and had not even told me.

It started out as an all girl trip then morphed into a trip with two couples (not married) and two single guys. I told her I was very uncomfortable with this. She told me the trip was scheduled around her time (she does not work, hasn’t in 19 years) I am not saying raising kids is NOT work, just that she hasn’t had a formal job. So since the kids have left the roost, her entire calender is free.

By her telling me the trip was planned around “her time off” I begrudgingly said Ok. I said this even after I had severe reservations about her being in the wilderness and I am talking real wilderness here, only sat phones work, helo rescues, etc.. she was fine, everything was on go. She seemed oblivious about my feelings. All she was focused on was her trip. My feelings and thoughts were never on her radar best I could/can tell.

I then told her my REAL feeling that “when” not if word got out that my wife had been kayaking with a group that included single men conclusions would be made about the single men/women out in the wilderness. True or not, I would be made to feel like a chump (we live in a small town, word WOULD get around).

Perhaps I am off base here but I sure would see the potential for hankey-pankey as an outside observer even if it weren’t my spouse we are talking about here. I have no doubt rumors would flow and I’d feel like a fool. Until I revealed my true feelings she really didn’t care or was unaware of how the trip would be perceived locally once word got out.

I felt it rather strange that she would place the disappointment of a group of strangers by her not going over my feelings of betrayal of our relationship and my standing in the community. My son and I went out west for his high school graduation (just a father and son thing) and even he, at 18, realized that this just wouldn’t look right. I asked him if he had told his mother this, he hadn’t but shared it with me with no prompting whatsoever from me.

After I told her how I really felt and she canceled the trip. She just got back 3 months +/- ago from a 6 day all girl trip on a river here in FL. She has been gone the past 5 days on another trip and is planning another 6 day trip for spring 08.

She did all this after us having a long talk and me telling her that I came to the conclusion that kayaking was the third person in our marriage and she had free reign to do what she wanted in that regard. At this point I have completely acceded to her kayaking.

Boy did she jump on that, now the Green River trip is back on for 2010, all girl this time so far.

I DO NOT like being alone for days at a time and she knows this yet she goes anyway. I have no real hobbies except for reading, riding motorcycles and traveling. My wife and I have traveled a lot and we get along well while on the road.

However, I really don’t like to travel alone and don’t like large groups of people. I am not one to wallow in my pity. I am just sad that she KNOWS that I don’t like being alone but chooses to go anyway.

I have come to the conclusion that I will just have to start doing things alone. None of my friends can take off on a whim, they have jobs. My wife and I can and do, but she kayaks a lot without me. So far I have just stayed home and puttered around.

Not anymore. This past weekend I went to a party while she was gone and was rather surprised at the smiles a well dressed middle aged man could garner at a local watering hold. I have/had no intention to cheat, I just flat out got tired of reading, watching the tv and fooling around the house, I had to get out.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I am just kinda sad that my wife has put her hobby on par (or above) with our relationship. We still do things together and I do not suspect her of infidelity, however, from what I have read, if a marriage is rocky and you have two people that share the same passion (like kayaking) that is a recipe for disaster if they are put into certain circumstances and I can’t think of one worse than the Green River trip. I can only hope for the best as we have both committed to our marriage for life.

I could go on and on but enough for know.

Thanks for letting me vent.

RM

It takes serious work, to have a successful marriage. Wouldn’t it be nice, if love was all that was necessary?

I believe that there are some very specific elements, of successful marriages, that if applied – will ultimately ensure a happy marriage.

tDMg
LdsNana

Successful Marriages last blog post..Comment by LdsNana-AskMormon