Reader Robertsm85 asked me, “Taking the whole experience, from the proposal to the end of the reception, when you think back to your wedding what few bits of advice would you give to a couple going through the process of getting married.”
I thought it was such a great question that it deserved its own post. Here’s my answer. Photo courtesy of www.ouroneheart.com.
Give a second thought to getting married young. Lissie and I were 19 and 21, respectively, when we were married. At the time, I didn’t really think it was that big of a deal to get married young, but you know what? It was. We were inexperienced in relationships, and perhaps a little too naive and idealistic. We were also both still in college and didn’t have good jobs. In the end, not that big of a deal. We got older and gained some experience. In some ways it actually benefited us because we went through all the ordeals of the 20′s together, and it made us stronger as a couple.
Have some money put aside. I had returned from a two year stint as a volunteer missionary less than a year before we were married, and we were both in college. Talk about being broke! Also, neither of us had parents that were in a position to help support us, so we were instantly poor. Luckily, we were able to take out student loans to help us get by while we finished our education. To do over again, I would have put aside 3 – 6 months living expenses, because now we have fairly large loans to repay.
Plan a great proposal. Every girl wants to have the story to tell her girlfriends, and for some reason every time you make friends with people, they eventually ask how you proposed to your wife. I didn’t really plan a very good proposal and six years later it’s still a bit of a sore spot for my wife. Believe me, it’s worth it to wait a little longer just so that you can have the story later. It’s really not so much about having a good story as making sure that she feels really loved and cared about.
Hire a better wedding planner. Our wedding planner didn’t think it was a big deal that her son was getting married the same day as our reception. She assured us time and time again that it wouldn’t be a conflict. When we showed up for the reception, she wasn’t there. Her assistant was arranging flowers and nothing else had been done with the decorations. She hadn’t even brought the sound system for the music. Luckily all of our friends pitched in and we got the decorations up, the food out, and Lissie’s dear friend from her church lugged her portable keyboard over and played for the entire reception, unasked and unpaid. What a mess!
Make sure you understand your partner’s health situation, and have health insurance. I knew that Lissie had a heart condition. I had known her for years and had seen her pass out dozens of times, but still wasn’t clear on how that would affect our relationship once we were living together. It was very stressful to realize that her health affected every aspect of her life and it was a much bigger burden than I initially thought. Plus, medical bills piled up from various situations and that left us with a fair amount of debt right at the beginning of our marriage since we didn’t have insurance. Things are better now. Lissie is still sick, but we have insurance and I have a good job, so we’re basically caught up on bills, but it was tough for those first few years.
All that said, there are a few things I would not change that I want to share.
Chastity before marriage. It’s just a fact that couples who cohabitate before marriage are 50 percent more likely to divorce. We were both virgins when we were married and that has blessed our lives with a high level of trust in each other.
Learning about marriage, from classes and books. We both took classes provided by our church on marriage before and after our wedding. We also spent a fair amount of time reading books about marriage, both together so we could discuss them, and separately.
A life built on faith. We are both members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and we both make that faith the central part of our lives. That faith has brought us innumerable blessings, chief of which are an abiding faith that our marriage is a covenant with God, and we cannot take that covenant likely. If it weren’t for that faith, we would have divorced in our first year of marriage.
Have the reception the day after the wedding. Weddings are exhausting enough, then there’s the luncheon and/or dinner. We had our wedding early in the morning, then a luncheon, and then we were done for the day. We were able to return to our apartment together in the early afternoon and spend some time relaxing and being together. The next day we had our reception and we had it in the early evening. We were so relaxed and happy (except for the part where the wedding planner didn’t do anything…but imagine if that had been the same day as the wedding) that we were able to really enjoy ourselves – in spite of all the hiccups.
How about the rest of you? What would you do differently about your proposal, wedding, and reception? What would you never change?
12 comments:
Don’t forget that it’s about the MARRIAGE, not the WEDDING: If the table cloths aren’t the same shade of ivory as your dress the world will not come to an end. If your heart doesn’t flutter when you lock eyes with your future spouse… well your marriage might.
Remember to eat and to enjoy yourself: You put a LOT of work into this event, you chose that food carefully, so don’t forget to enjoy it. Pick a person, wedding planner, maid of honor, great friend, and put them in charge for the day. Give them everything they might need ahead of time and let them know that you don’t want to worry about anything during your big day. They can deal with all the little crises that come up and you can focus on enjoying your day.
I’m sure I have more, but that’s all I can think of right now!
I hope you didn’t pay your wedding planner. That’s pretty inexcusable on her part, especially since she undoubtedly knew how important this day was going to be for you (how could she not, going through the same thing at the same time?).
www.the-common-man.com
I agree about the proposal too. A gas station rose may not cut it.
i pray they listen! bless you for your visit.
I wish I had had a rebellious youth and then settled down later in life. LOTS of people I know in their 30′s and 40′s that were good kids feel that way. That said, I am in a heathen state right now and maybe the grass is greener and all that, but still…
I enjoyed hearing everything you would/would not change though. The reception on a different day is very interesting. Something to discuss with my other half.
anyways a photogrpher….
after getting married I learned that cheaper was not the best choice with a photographer….you pay for what you get!
Oh. My. God. That is so true. I adore mu husband – you know that – I could sing his praises for days. But GEEZ.
First, he put off proposing for 8 MONTHS because he was obsessed with finding the perfect ring. I don’t even wear my ring on a regular basis!
Then he breaks down and asks me what I want (simple lab created or CZ diamond – I don’t believe in buying natural diamonds – on top of a white gold band) so he goes out and gets me a sapphire with bagguettes. I guess I should be thankful that it was white gold at least.
Then we were watching “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” (yes it was my idea, sheesh). In the movie the guy proposes to her all low-key in the bedroom. I remember, clearly, saying “Oh my God, couldn’t he have done it in a restaurant at least?! Please don’t propose to me like that!”
So what does he do? He proposes to me one night on the way out the door. In our bedroom.
Honestly, I felt like he obsessed WAY TOO MUCH over the whole thing. Buy a reasonable ring and make a crazy romantic proposal and you just can’t go wrong.
What would I change about my wedding? I would have have a very simple chaple wedding with no frills and spent that money on the honeymoon and setting up house.
Slightly related to this I am starting up a relationship blog (Cory, you are my inspiration for this) to share my thoughts and experiences as I start my life with my fiancee. If anyone would like to visit it I would appreciate it, I have the initial post up and you can check it out at http://blessthebrokenroad.effect47.com
Cory, I mostly just lurk and read but thank you very much for the inspiration you gave me.