If you’re the All-American family: house in the suburbs, nice cars, 2.5 kids, both parents working, kids on a team for soccer, baseball, dance, routine sex once a week (usually), then it’s probably safe to say that your schedules determine more of your life than you do. Even if you don’t consider yourself the All-American family, you are most likely still able to answer the question, “so how are things?” with simple reply of… “busy.” With something scheduled every night of the week and weekends being full of more activities, have you ever stopped and wondered if you’re too busy for your marriage?
If your answer is yes, why do you suppose we allow ourselves to stay so busy? I’ve seen many couples in my counseling practice who claim that their marriage is a priority but their actions show anything but this idea.
We make time for the important things in our life. I play basketball at lunch time several times a week. I have for years. It’s tough to take that time out of the middle of the day, but I find a way to make it happen. Golf may be the thing you find time for. Or trips to the bar. Guys weekends. Hunting. Whatever it is, if it’s important enough to us, we find a way to make it happen.
So the question to hit you right between the eyes… where does your marriage fit on your list of importance?
If you’re like I was, my wife went up and down my life importance list. When I was interested in sex, she would climb the ladder of importance. After that need was met, she would fall down the list again. When I was down about something, I would seek her out in order for her to help me feel better. Once my mood was propped up, I was off to my own agenda again.
If you desire a marriage that is fully alive, it requires you to be honest with yourself and be more present and involved in the important aspects of your life.
Making time for your spouse will require you both to face the issues that get the in way of the time together. It very well could be that you both stay busy in order to save the marriage. Your busyness keeps you together, because if you slowed down and spent time together, the issues, resentments, disappointments, frustrations, etc. would come front and center.
If you discover this is the case in your marriage, seek professional help. I’ve even created a guide to help in choosing the right counselor. At the very least, be honest with yourself, and then your spouse. If marriage is important to you, show it in your actions.
Learn to say no to other schedule filling items in order to be together. Do less. Limit your kids to one activity a week. Have a regular date night, that nothing short of the Lord’s return will alter.
Making time for marriage requires more from each spouse. But the beautiful thing is, you are both capable of giving more to the marriage. And in return, you get more out of the marriage.
