A Good Husband
Marriage Advice From A Man
What Does Religion Mean to Your Marriage?
Author: Cory H.19 Jun
Some time ago a friend of mine married a guy who is not of her faith. I was rather surprised. She is, by most standards, very active in her faith. She goes to church most Sundays, she attends mid-week meetings for her women’s group, she even does a little bit of missionary work. But she married someone not of her faith.
Corey over at The Simple Marriage Project recently did an article on Growing Deeper Spiritually and it got me thinking. You see, I am deeply religious and find it very gratifying. I think everyone needs to be spiritually aware. I think that most of modern society’s problems stem from not being in touch with their spirits and the being who created them.
Now, personally, I am Christian. I do think, however, that there is a great deal of worth in many different religions. One of the best men that I know is a Buddhist, and I think that people of all faiths bring their wisdom to the table in different ways.
Why is religion important to your marriage?
- The spiritual life is central to all life. Without taking care of your spirit, you cannot be centered and balanced in life. Your spirit is the very essence of who you are and needs to be fed.
- Common goals and aspirations. Those who hold the same religious beliefs have common goals inspired by those beliefs. As you draw closer to those goals, you naturally draw closer to each other.
- Ritual. There is something deeply important about rituals. Most people have their morning rituals (coffee, check the news, etc). How much more important are spiritual rituals?
- Harmony with extended family. Perhaps not a reason to pick a religion, but certainly something to consider when you considering marriage. Can you get along with those in-laws? Can they tolerate you and your beliefs?
If you don’t have the same religious beliefs, then you don’t have the same basic beliefs about life - the nature of being, what moral path to follow, how to raise children, how to behave on holy days, the list goes on and on. Granted, religious beliefs are a deeply personal decision, but to me that just means that you should be even more encouraged to find someone with similar beliefs.
Take advantage of the new poll to the right of the page. I’m interested to know how religion plays into your lives.
When our kids get old enough, we want to educate them in all beliefs and faiths and let them choose their own paths.
@Russ - I’d be interested in hearing you elaborate more on what you mean by “spiritual, but not religious.” How will your children choose for themselves when they are still too young to understand the consequences of their decisions?
I am the fifth generation Christian. My ancestor was introduced to Christianity by missionaries. His father tied him up and put him in a sack and dump him into the ocean. A fisherman rescued him. My grandmother passed on this story as well as many others to help us to hold on to the faith.
Organized religion, or attending church services is just not for me anymore. All of the reasons that turned me off to attending any church services or becoming a member of any church (any religion or denomination) are very painful for me, as I’ve discussed in varying degree on my blog.
While I do believe there are a lot of very good people going to church, including the ministers that preside, but after going through everything I’ve been through in my life and things my son was put through while in church, I can honestly say that I will never again feel safe or secure enough to ever go back to attending any church.
My personal trust and faith in God is very strong, but I have no faith or trust in the men that are there. I’m spiritual in a very personal way. Religious? Not so much.
In that time away from my Church, I dated a lot of girls of various faiths (including the daughter of a Lutheran minister who told me that her babies would never be “the Pope’s babies.”)
Eventually, through a lot of tough times, moments of grace, and the actions of friends, God led me back to the church where I grew up.
Literally weeks after going back, I re-met an old classmate who had also just returned.
She’s now my wife, and we’re thrilled to be raising our two young sons in our “home” parish family.
We both got as far as we could from our organized religion, but in His time, God called us back. Our faith in God is the most important part of our Marriage, and we’re certain that our vocation is our calling from Him. Our church is the outward expression of that faith and the community that co-supports in that regard.
We have a lot of friends who are at many different points along the journey, and it’s always exciting to talk with them and see where they are and what part God plays in their relationships.
For one, I’d have to say that until I stopped and realized that for me the “organized” part of what I had experienced growing up wasn’t all that was there was the moment I accepted the rest of it - most importantly, what God wanted of me in my life, and subsequently what he wanted of my wife and I as one.
As far as my children choosing a religion, I would stress to them that nothing is permanent and your faith will never stop growing and changing. What you believe at 17 may or may not be the same when you’re 30. Your life experiences change your worldviews. No matter what religion they chose to explore, I would support them and educate myself on the religion the best I could in hopes of being able to have an intellectual conversation about it. If I felt the religion was spiritually damaging (ie. Satanism) or physically dangerous (ie. a cult or Scientology), then I might step in and try to reason with them. For the most part, though, I would try my best to educate without bias, though I know that is almost impossible. Most children follow in their parents’ footsteps, so I am going to try to set the best spiritual example I can for them.
When they get to a point that they can seriously have discussions about religious ideas, I would relate to them my experiences with religion and how I came believe what I believe. When I was 17, I considered myself to be Wiccan. I committed myself to that and for a few years, only read Wiccan-based books, rejecting anything that was based on anything else. This severely limited my spiritual growth and education, as I was only reading and hearing about one side of things. As I grew older, my worldview started to expand beyond the “witchcraft” of Wicca, and I started to have trouble really buying the stuff I was reading. I started exploring books from other faiths, including Buddhism, Christianity, Jainism, Unitariansim, Taoism, etc. and my philosophies began to blend with other schools of thought, and now it is a combination of various worldviews.
These are my own personal ideas, here, and I hope I don’t offend, but I feel as though declaring yourself to one belief structure (ie. Wicca, Judaism, Islam, etc.) is limiting to one’s spirituality. I don’t think one is able to grow beyond the religious doctrine.
Laurie, I respect your values a great deal, since I share Christian beliefs with you.
Russ, while I respect and value your journey, and I do believe that Christ is the only way to Salvation, I also know that people make strange and long journeys to discover the truth. It took Paul many years to come to Christ, Brigham Young studied 4 years before he joined the LDS church, and the list goes on.
You can know things with a certainty, but that is perhaps a topic for a different post, or a different blog altogether.
@Lin - I deeply admire your work at Tellinitlikeitis.net. I’m sad that your experiences with people have ruined your connection with religious community - I think your comment and Michael Halbrook’s are for each other.
As someone who has wanted to be a marriage and family therapist for most of his adult life (and in 7 months I will be), the subject of spirituality is a fascinating one. In all of my research and studying, there are a few constants that will always be indicative of a successful marriage and family life. One of those is the level of spirituality in one’s home, regardless of denomination (the other’s are better discussed in a different post
).
If husbands and wives have committed spiritual beliefs, they have a better chance of staying together. In my opinion, I think it is because of the commitment they have to something other than themselves and their spouse. For spiritually devout couples, their marriage is seen as more than just a pronouncement of husband and wife by the local judge or mayor. They view it as a commitment between themselves and whoever/whatever their Higher Power is. In a sense, it makes the marriage a three-way contract rather than a two-way contract.
My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years and having that commitment to a Higher Power has gotten us through the little squabbles that, in the end, don’t matter a whole lot. Our view of marriage as more than just a legal contract but a binding spiritual agreement between us and God strengthens our marriage and our own personal beliefs.
@Chuck - It’s amazing how much life changes after you have that spiritual awakening - just don’t let it be your last or most intense.
@Chris - The religious community is great, isn’t it? I’m glad you and your wife are getting closer to being on the same page. Come back and share how things go in the future!
A deistic “Spiritual but not religious” approach to life is very common. I find it disingenuous that you “hope not to offend” after telling Russ (and by extension those like him) that we are condemned to hell because we picked the wrong path. I think you know very well how offensive that is. There are other monotheistic religions who say the same about your path. Are you not offended when they tell you the same?
Second quibble, religion is faith based. You cannot know anything about the afterlife any more than anyone else does. You can believe with all your heart and that’s fine. But it’s not the same as knowing, otherwise there would be no need for faith.
I sincerely hope you are not more offended by this than I was by your post.
It is hard to answer leading questions without sounding a bit glib so I apologize if I do. I don’t mean to.
In response to your question to Managmentboy the answer has to be that man (people) define what a marriage is. Look around the world and you will find marriage defined many many different ways. If it were defined by a god only adherents to that god would be alowed to wed. That clearly isn’t the case and wouldn’t be a good thing if it were. Would you want to be told that your marriage was null and void because a non-christian religion gained political power? Sorry for the leading question
It is we, humankind that determine how we will treat each other.
That answer and your answer to my question directed at ManagementBoy show an either/or mentality. Religion and the Gospel are not if/then, either/or beliefs. People work out their own salvation and they are held accountable by a just God for their own light and knowledge.
I dislike it when believers come here and condemn the non-believers. I also dislike it when the non-believers condemn the believers as well.
Be careful when you make assumptive statements that you are basing your assumptions on what was actually said, not on what’s implied.
I apologize for the tone. It’s always a good idea to cool off before replying and I didn’t do that. My goal is to contribute to the conversation, not to start a fight.
However, Russ didn’t refer to a specific Father. Indeed the entire point of his post was to draw attention to the generic divine. It was Laurie who made it specific and told him (and those like him) that we are wrong. True that she didn’t refer to hell, my bad for assuming [1], but it was clear that she is saying that her path is the only real path to the divine. I don’t mean to start a fight (and would politely point out that I didn’t start it) but I disagree that Laurie has absolute knowledge about the divine that most of the rest of the world lacks.
We are all seekers on our own path.
I’m optimistic that Laurie also didn’t intend her tone to be offensive so I’m happy to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Hugs all around
Footnotes:
1) In many (most?) Judeo-Christian traditions those who fail to achieve salvation are doomed to hell. The Catholics have a limbo too but that’s mostly for unbaptized babies. I respect that you are a Mormon but numerically speaking you are in the minority so it’s probable to assume someone believes those who don’t achieve salvation go to hell. I know that sounds harsh but it’s what a large number of people really believe.
@John- I said the line about not wanting to offend to mirror the comment right before mine where Russ had said he didn’t want to offend. To be honest, being offended is a choice. You chose to be offended by my comment. My tone with the other comment as well as with this one is not combative. It is one of being interested in sharing thoughts and beliefs.
Do I believe with 100 percent what I said about Jesus? Oh yes, with ALL of my heart. If that makes it not a belief but factual knowledge to me….OK. I also believe with all my heart the sun will come up in the morning. I only say that Jesus is the only way to the Father because that is what Jesus said about himself. Do I believe him? Yes I do. DO I believe that if you don’t believe this way you are bound for hell? That is between you and your God but I think that is a problem. While I have no responsibility to change your heart,(that is God’s job) I do have a responsibility to share my belief. I believe Mormons feel this same way as I have had many knock on my door to share. No, I am not a Mormon. I think there are many problems in the Mormon theology which I will not elaborate on here.
Am I offended when others think I am going to hell? No, why would I be? I am not sure why you are. It’s as if I pushed a sensitive button in your heart. If someone believes I am going to hell due to what I believe, ok, let them believe that. I am secure in what I believe and know that there will be persecution along the way.
I enjoy the dialogue discussing various beliefs. It educates me in what others think but it also invites me to study more and learn more about my own faith. I don’t feel I am religious. I believe I am spiritual. My focus is developing my relationship with God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I want to have the most intimate relationship with God that I can have. And I want to tell others so they can enjoy that kind of relationship as well. Why wouldn’t I share? It is good news.
@ Cory- Thanks for the defense. I can totally understand that your blog is not the avenue for a feud. I had no intention of starting one. I am truly sorry. :O) Keep up the great posts. They are great to ponder. An exercise of the brain.
Somewhere along the way though, she’s become happy without the need for religion or faith to provide answers, and recently admitted she’s glad to be free of it.
In the end, one thing I can agree though that religion, faith, or lack thereof is something that will be significant in a relationship. Whatever they are, opinions about the nature of the universe are bound to be very important to each of us, and as such must be treated with respect (like any other significant choices we make).