Run for the hills. That’s what you do.
Seriously.
I was feeling a bit cheeky when I wrote this, thought about deleting it, then thought, “Nah. How much trouble can it get me in?” We’ll see.
Don’t:
- Try to be a mediator. If your mother and your wife don’t get along, they need to work it out themselves. You might think you can fix it, but this would be a grave mistake. Getting between this dispute could get you crushed.
- Take sides. If they’re having a dispute and one of them turns to you and says, “What do you think,” you should probably say something like, “What? I wasn’t listening. I’m really involved with my macrame.”
- Compare your wife’s cooking to your mom’s. It’s also a good idea not to compare how they clean. In fact don’t compare anything. If your wife asks if her home made strawberry rhubarb chocolate tart compares to your mother’s slow cooked rosemary chicken pie, just pretend to pass out. Your wife will be so concerned that she will forget all about the food.
- Force them to like each other or even spend time together. This would be like trying to herd cats. Whenever I try to get my cat to do anything, her fur stands up on end, she starts that deep throated warning growl, and she tries to bite me.
Do:
- When you have time together, structure it. While some of you may be having visions of a refereed boxing match, I was thinking something more along the lines of seeing a movie, playing a board game, or hiking. When your wife and mother are together, do something that won’t allow for a lot of idle chit chat. That’s when things get catty (see above reference – sorry, couldn’t resist).
- Make sure they both know you love them. Tell them. Separately. Tell them when they’re in the same room. Find out what they want from you and do that – as long as it doesn’t involve sharp objects and the other woman in your life.
- Make sure they know that it isn’t fair for you to be in this position. Sit them both down, individually or separately, and tell them to grow up and get along. Your mom was there first, but your wife is with you for the rest of your life and she’s going to mother your own children. Tell them it’s not fair to make you choose, and it’s not fair to make you mediate. Then throw a pie at them.
- Make sure your wife knows she comes first. I know I said don’t choose sides, but in the long run, your wife has got to be your first priority. If you don’t understand why this is…well, write me and we’ll talk. I’m sure one of the ladies reading this will be happy to explain why your wife should be first in your life – maybe even in a nice long post on their own blog that links back to this post.
[...] it comes to your parent’s influence in your marriage? If you are the husband trying to figure out what to do if your mom and your wife don’t get along, you need to understand why your wife is so upset and why she’s having so much difficulty in [...]