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When I was a teenager, I had a really, really bad temper. Throw chairs at people bad. I overcame it but every once in a while it sneaks back up on me. I had an experience yesterday that reminded me to be ever watchful of my temper.
I lost my temper on the basketball court.
What I usually do in this situation is brood about what I did and sulk for a little while. What I realized this time, however, is that I can take what I have learned about apologizing to my wife and apply it in this situation. With that said, here are my steps for apologizing:
Feel bad for what you’ve done. Remember when you were a little kid and you hit your sister? I don’t because I’m an only child, but for those of you who do, what happened when Mom found out? She told you to apologize, right? Most little kids will grudgingly acknowledge that they’re sorry, and we call it good. This doesn’t work for adults. In order for an apology to be effective, it must come from the heart.
Admit what you’ve done wrong. A personal pet peeve of mine is the propensity some people have to apologize for everything. They perceive someone getting upset and they automatically apologize, even if they haven’t actually done anything wrong. If you actually feel bad for something, at least to yourself, you should acknowledge what specifically you’ve done wrong.
In the context of my marriage, this is sometimes a challenge for me. Sometimes my wife is upset and I have no idea what I did wrong. These are the times when I have to just suck it up and ask what I did wrong, then try to listen very intently.
Ask for forgiveness. This is the step that many people just jump to right off the bat. As my wife so often tells me, saying “I’m sorry” just doesn’t cut it sometimes. Make it less about you and more about what the other person needs, which leads to my next point.
Make restitution. Just asking for forgiveness is often not enough. Sometimes you’ve cost someone an opportunity, you’ve ruined a beautiful dinner that your wife had planned, or broken your child’s favorite toy. It’s really only a true apology if you can make better what you’ve taken away.
Don’t do it again. Perhaps this seems a little bit obvious, but if you apologize for hitting someone, and then do it again, you’re not going to be seen as very sorry, are you? The same thing applies to ruining dinner, yelling at someone, or forgetting to respond to an email.
Some additional thoughts:
We must remember that apologizing is not weakness. I know a guy who refuses to apologize. He’s a real stereotypical “man’s man” kind of guy. Very full of himself, loud, obnoxious, and belligerent. He refuses to apologize and it drives every one around him crazy. If he would just apologize when he knew that he had done something wrong, then he’d probably be a lot more tolerant.
If you find yourself apologizing over and over for the same thing, you’re doing something wrong. Perhaps you keep doing that thing over and over again, or perhaps you’ve not properly made restitution.
