I wanted to point out this comment that was recently made on an older post. That post talks about the negative effects of pornography on marriage. Some people have made comments to the effect that a little pornography doesn’t hurt, that it’s only bad if you lack self control, etc. In response to those comments, I’d like to point out a comment made yesterday by an anonymous commenter. I don’t need to add anything else to it.
- I have been married to a creative, talented, intelligent, funny (I could go on) guy for 30+ years. When we were engaged he told me he had been involved in both pornography (soft) and masturbation for (in his terms) a short period of time, but that he had stopped and wanted to stay stopped. He said he had as well spoken to someone about the “problem” as he did not feel great about it, and told me who it was.
- As married life went on it became clear–to me, not to him–he had emotional stuff going on. At about 8 years an event occurred with his anger while he was home with our kids and I was out that made it clear it was not my imagination, and the kids were a little scared. But he was in denial, and that continued. By the time they were in their teens, it was pretty tense, and I discovered for the first time that the pornography use had continued. Mind you, this was not nonstop use, nor was it violent pornography.
- He would try and try and try to not pick up pornography (before we had a computer at home) but finally break down and go on a small “spree.” Then there would be a period of abstinence. At about year 20 of our marriage he went to a clergyman for help; the individual told him not to tell his wife. That was a mistake. Working together has been the only way out, and would have solved the problem faster years earlier, and with far less anguish. He finally actually began to almost have emotional meltdowns at work; a nervous breakdown came pretty close, and once suicidal thoughts. It is an addiction of such sublety is is almost impossible for the sufferer to see what thoughts and feelings are, and have, been replaced with thoughts and feelings of other kinds.
- He could not tell that he became a very different person from the man I married, though I knew that guy was still in there, somewhere. I must have have some help from a source outside myself, because many, many things came together first, so that I discovered what was going on, how bad it really was, and was able to discover resources to help. Those included meetings for SA (Sexaholics Anonymous),Covenant Eyes software, and many, many other helps. Our clergy were not able to help, unfortunately, and that was very hard.
- My husband is a courageous man, and embarked upon recovery with everything he had. But addictions fight for their own “survival”, and he became abusive for a period of time, causing me briefly during several periods to be unable to live in my own home, for my own safety. He is aware that he has been involved in pornography since his early teens (initiated by family) making it some 40 years of use, and the longest he has made it without pornography is 13 months. He tells me that when this came out in the open between us about 4 years ago, his feelings were, regardless of what they looked like at any time in the past, that he hated me during the whole of our marriage. That is a terrible shock to hear from someone you love with your whole heart and have shared a life and a family with, and THAT is one–and only one–of the effects of pornography. He is, like an alcoholic, taking it one day at a time.
- What he alone has gone through is not worth thinking about. What I have gone through, and what we together have been through is worth lifetimes of pain. Please, do not make the mistake of thinking it is just about finding a way to have a “healthy” fantasy world in a non-repressed way that has no effect on real life. The particular effect that sexual feelings have are such that they change how we feel and think in every area there is, even affecting how memory and logic are processed, because they are at the root of life, even though you may not be aware of the changes on a one-time basis. Be very careful of what you do with them: they are powerful to one end or another. Lust and love may look like the same thing, but their effects are worlds and worlds aparts. My husband and I are just coming out of a dark universe back into the land of the living. We know.
i am a newly married man,i am 26 years old and my wife is 23 years,i recently discovered that she is addicted to porn and claims that it helps her relax after a hard day.the problem is that i am working in another country and i am afraid her porn might lead her to do something stupid.
how can you help us?
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