Few things are more difficult to deal with than the death of your own child. The pain of loss is staggering and can quickly overcome an individual’s ability to cope with every day life.
I recently received an email from a man named Jerry. In November, Jerry and his wife lost their four month old boy to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Jerry says:
“My question is if you have any advice on keeping the lines of communication open after a death of a child when the last thing anyone wants to do is talk. My wife and I do our best to communicate but sometimes there are no words or the pain is too great. Just wondering if you have any advice on dealing with death in a marriage.”
Now, I’ve never lost a child, but let me see if I can shed a little bit of light on the situation. Sometimes all one needs is a little outside perspective.
About three weeks ago I saw a production of Rabbit Hole, a play written by David Lindsay-Abaire. In the play Becca and Howie lose their child in a tragic automobile accident. The play begins several months after the accident.
Becca is dealing with the loss by cleaning up the house. She is packing away her son’s possessions, and getting rid of all of the things that remind her of her son. Howie is dealing with the loss by attending group therapy and trying to spend time with his pet dog. There are several scenes where Howie tries to talk to Becca about their son. Becca can’t discuss it. Howie can’t understand why she can’t discuss it, and he can’t understand why she won’t talk to him about anything else either.
Without giving away the entire play, we see Howie and Becca dealing with their grief in their own separate ways. They go through their days finding healing in the mundane day to day activities. It’s only after several more months of finding healing on their own that they are able to communicate with each other.
Even when they do finally communicate with each other, it’s not directly about their child. They talk about what they’re doing with the house, with their family members, or what’s on television. I think this is the key here, at least for them. Howie and Becca were able to find common ground on things that weren’t emotionally charged (or at least, not as charged as the subject of their child). After they were able to find this common ground is when they were finally able to talk about their child.
The play ends without a final resolution of their grief over their son. I think this is appropriate. You’ll always miss your son, and probably always feel a little bit sad about him being gone, but if you can find common ground on other subjects, you should be able to build your communication back up.
Some other things to consider:
- How good was your communication as a couple before this happened? If it wasn’t very good, then it could take longer to build it to a working point.
- Being able to talk to someone besides your spouse is a good thing. Do you have a family member or a very close friend that you can talk to?
- If you really having a hard time, seeking professional counseling is a good idea.
Do any of you have any other suggestions? How do you care for your marriage after the death of a child?
UPDATE: I would also recommend checking out the “Losing a Child” group over at TeeBeeDee. They have ongoing discussions about how difficult it is. These are real people who are currently going through these experiences.
