Comments on: Supporting Your Wife After Rape or Sexual Abuse

By: Frustrated-Fred

Frustrated-Fred — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 13:33:04 +0000

I’m 32 years old and have been married to my wife for almost 3 years. My wife and I had a very short courtship(3 months) and our sex life was vigorous, extremely intimate and adventurous. Shortly after our wedding and coinciding with her father’s death, our sex life diminished to almost nothing. I chalked it up to her pregnancy, we conceived shortly after our wedding, after our son was born our sex life did not return and any intimacy at all made her uncomfortable. We discussed it and she told me she felt like something happened to her but she can’t remember what, but she has horrible feelings with regards to sex and intimacy. Unfortunately I made all the mistakes described above in dealing with it and being supportive. My wife and I are both in recovery, and she relapsed last year. She went to a treatment center 7 months ago and stayed for 60 days, during which time she had an affair with another patient. When I confronted her she continued to deny it until confronted with evidence. I suspect she stayed the additional 30 days go continue the relationship. She claims nothing physical ever happened but I don’t know if its true.
She has been home for 5 months now and we are still not having much intimacy, she compromised by having sex with me on a set night each week, but spontaneous encounters are rare and our scheduled night is not real satisfying as it seems as if it is a chore that she has to do. She refuses to seek help and claims she is not ready.
I am at the end of my rope, I don’t want to lose my family, but between the possible affair and 3 years of a marriage lacking intimacy, I don’t know how much more I can take. The lack of trust, due go her year of drug use, makes me question if the sexual abuse story is real or if she just doesn’t love me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

By: LR

LR — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 16:22:29 +0000

Don’t accuse her of having affairs, not unless she was having one.

By: Mike D

Mike D — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 00:47:19 +0000

To Lorraine, Mike, John, Brett, Brad, Helpless, johndoe,

All,
I know your pain, and have also experienced a VERY similar situation. I have been in the military for 22 yrs now. My wife was assaulted 9 yrs ago and it has resurfaced approx 1.5 yrs ago. She is in so much pain, PTSD, and depression; I do not know what to do. She was assaulted by a mutual Military Supervisor when she was in an unconscious state. The perpetrator violated my wife in his own childs room while his kids were asleep. It is so painful to talk about, let alone deal with. I worked with this man for 4 years in the same office while married to my wife (over 5 years now). I can’t hold her hand, I can’t touch her without her being extremely aggravated, and have zero affection ability…just like you John. I don’t know how to help. We too have been to counseling, and (partially by my fault) it did not help. We struggle as of today, and she thinks I only have my own interest in mind, but I do not. I want to just fix it, but this is soooo complicated! People with PHD’s can barely help. I love her and my blended family of 3 children (2 step-sons and 1 of mine through help by invetro-fertilization). I have been sickened by the fact that I feel that there is nothing I can do, but there is one thing that is VERY clear to me…God has a reason why he put us all where we are, it is our mission to work through it with the Bible as our guide and the Holy Spirit’s direction in our hearts. There are many times I get selfish and want my wife’s submission, but it is so far deeper than that. We have to gain their trust and that may take years…are we committed enough for that? I can only ask God for help with that.
My wife is so beautiful and so committed to her children, I know that I owe her that. There are plenty of times we want to have pitty-parties on our own behalves, but in the end, what are our true reasons to be in the lives that we were put in to?
We are here for reasons WAY bigger than ourselves, and if we can find the ways we need to accomplish our missions, we will all be in a better place.
My Blessings to all of you, and especially my own wife that I have to put first before anyone.
With all the love He gave us on the cross…

Mike D.

By: Lorraine

Lorraine — Sun, 22 May 2011 00:12:36 +0000

thanks for this posting folks. Its been 33 years since it happened and I still dread intimacy with my husband if it is initiated by him. I always feel more willing when I am the one initiating. Its clear to me from all of your comments that its a control issue. Its clear to me that I prefer to be in control and have still to this day struggled with allowing him to have control of my body esp when he wants to do anything I consider unnatural or perverted. Its very sad for him and my faith in God and love for my husband has helped a lot but I have resigned myself to the fact that letting go of control and truly trusting another person with my body will never happen again. I pray for all victims of rape that healing will come to them and they will be free from fear especially with their husbands Mine has been patient and wonderful but not everyone is so fortunate. I always believe that if he decides to leave me, I wouldn’t blame him, because he has missed out on years of great s– because I have held myself back so much.

By: Johnm

Johnm — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 23:59:01 +0000

I am a former police officer and now married to a victim of rape. It occurred long before we met. She is intimate with me but only after counseling and understanding. They are right when it is said only you can decide how long is patient enough. Couples counseling is my suggestion and perhaps spiritual counseling if you desire. Loving her can not be measured by anyone but you. If you both believe you can work it out you will. If she refuses, get help yourself. You are also a victim. You both need to speak to people who know how to handle it. Sex is great but love and lovemaking are very different and you need to be whole as a couple to have that. My wife found strength in God. I believe that that is the reason she recovered to an extent. No one ever truly recovers they just adjust. As a police officer I investigated multiple rapes and child molestations and even as an investigator it effected me. Sometimes to a fault. Find what gives you strength to adjust. No matter what it may be because festering is going to kill your relationship. I thank God everyday for bringing my wife into my life. She is the strongest and greatest person I will ever know. Just remember she is a victim. You are too. Get as much help as you can. The right decisions and what to do will come to you. Love her back. It’s no worse than a debilitating disease. It is no better at times either. Good luck and God Bless.

By: Brad

Brad — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 21:42:32 +0000

Dear Kevin,

I am hearing how painful knowing your girlfriend was raped last month, and how confusing things are when she seems not to want to know about it.

My family is torn apart around intimacy issues and I wish I could point you in a direction for support. Depending on where you live rape crisis centres may have a support for partners, family members and friends.

Something I have learnt from sexual trauma and the brain that kind of helps me make sense of things, is that of the limbic brain which is not necessarily logical. The limbic brain controls the five responses to trauma for survival these being flight – fight – immobilise – detach – befriend

In my experience I can not help my now ex-partner at all, any mention of healing or experience is meet with anger. All I can suggest is patience and listening without judgement. I also found Peter Levine’s work with sexual trauma helpful in understanding things ..http://www.extatica.com/SexEducation/RS_PeterLevine_HealingSexualTrauma.htm

take care Kevin

By: Kevin

Kevin — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 06:50:17 +0000

I have a girlfriend who was raped last month. She remains in intense denial and was even more intimate with me after, without me knowing she was even raped. The authorities are involved and the case is pending but I have no closure and no answers. I have believed and trusted her but its so hard when she acts perfectly normal as if she just wants to pretend it never happened. I can’t pretend and it consumes me more than her. How do I have patience with her unwillingness to paint this guy as the bad guy. Where is the support for us who love the victims of these crimes? I can’t help her if I can’t help myself.

By: Mike

Mike — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 01:36:54 +0000

Brad & John.

I read your posts, they were very enlightening. I too am married to a victim of sexual abuse. We have gone through counseling together and she still goes on her own. The lack of intimacy is very hard to deal with at times. Vocalizing my feeling’s at times only get the response that my feelings, thoughts or concerns are simply “not true”. The fact that we have two small childred together is what keeps me going. I know that I made a vow before God and that I am supposed to uphold every effort to maintain this comitment to my marraige. It is really hard. I thought I would search the web for some reading materials to help me better cope and understand. I know there are places for victims but it seems there are few for the spouses who would like to offer support and know that their feelings are right or wrong. If anybody knows of anyplace or good reading materials for spouses of sexual victims. Please let me know.
I have read several statistics about the abuse victims and can concur on alot of the behaviors, patterns and feelings. The hard part is how to deal with it so that things do not become destructive to the marraige.
Thank You,
Mike

By: tabitha

tabitha — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 13:51:33 +0000

i have been a victim of Sexual abuse and recently, Thank you to this post because i was able to explain to my husband how this post relates because honestly if you have someone you care about look at this post they are a little more able to explain what it means to them.. Key thing is Be patient with us and don’t give up on us or push us because we need to feel safe and this doesn’t mean that we don’t feel safe with u.. it just means that we need to know that we wont be judged and we would be listened to and because we do need u..

By: Brett

Brett — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 21:24:55 +0000

Thanks John,

I am going through the same thing right now, wondering about patience. My partner and I also have two young children. I am not sure how to help shift the unwillingness for healing and to process the pain. I empathise with her that it must be scary to even think about moving through the pain fo the reality. – It is hard enough for me. Feeling very lonely with being shutout initimately and so many angry projections comign my way, it seems she has lost all trust in me.

Any further resources would be appreciated.

best

Brett