During our roadtrip my wife and I were talking about her parents. They are wonderful people and I can’t help but respect them. I have a great relationship with them. Here are my tips for getting along with your in-laws:

• Respect your wife’s father. My father in law is a man of large stature and imposing disposition. It was easy to defer to him, because when I first started dating my wife he scared the heck out of me – he’s a very large man. Treat him like your own father and ask him for advice, help, or to sit and watch a football game.
• Compliment your wife’s mother. Remember men, in all likelihood, this woman is how your wife is going to be in 20 – 30 years. Get to know her and find a way to respect her and her opinions. My mother in law is an amazing seamstress, so I respect her talents and let her know. She also has a sense of humor that is similar to mine, so I laugh at her jokes.
• Remember that your wife is not her parents. When your in-laws do something that you might consider boneheaded, don’t relate that to your wife. She’s a different person and, like all of us, already knows the boneheaded mistakes that her parents make all the time. She’s probably making a conscious effort to not make those same mistakes.
• If you didn’t like your in-laws before you got married, change your attitude. You’re stuck with the in-laws for the rest of their lives, which, after watching the Barbara Walters special the other night, could be for the next 100+ years. If you believe in life after death, then you’re stuck with them forever. Do yourself a favor and realize that it takes two to argue, so just don’t do it. Find a way to change your thinking.
• Set your boundaries early. This one I learned from my wife. After we got married, my mother was constantly asking when we were going to have kids. Lissie had to have a little discussion with her to let her to let her know that it wasn’t okay to pry, and that we’ll let her know when we’re thinking about it. It was a respectful dialogue, but people still got a little upset. I know it’s hard, but you have to set those boundaries early. Trust me, you’ll be glad after 5+ years of marriage.
• Practice restraint. If something really irritates you, find some space and think about it for a day or two before you say something. My in laws have some rules in the house for their other kids that don’t make any sense to me and sometimes they seem a bit draconian, but I generally don’t say anything. They’re not my kids and I want to maintain peace between us. No one’s getting hurt or being deprived in a serious way, so I don’t say anything.
• Don’t tell your in-laws anything about your marriage. I know this seems crazy, but it’s another thing I learned from my wife and her family. We decided, at Lissie’s behest, to not tell her family about fights we were having or money problems. Some things slipped out, but for the past five years Lissie has come across as the “good daughter” in comparison with her siblings, and her parents love me. We never get unsolicited advice, and we never hear about her parents talking negatively about either one of us (and believe me, with Lissie’s 8 siblings, we would hear about it).
• Be loyal to your spouse. This may apply more to your spouse than you. Your wife needs to be loyal to you over her parents (and you to her over your parents). Marriage is about being completely committed to each other, before anyone else. If your in-laws are being rude to your spouse, it’s your responsibility to step in and defend your spouse. You can do it in a polite way, but it’s not okay to allow your parents to attack your spouse in any way.
• Don’t get involved in family disputes. There are some issues between your spouse and her parents that you shouldn’t step into: all of them. That’s just a quagmire that you have no business getting involved in. Trust me. You can talk to your spouse about it if she asks you, when the in-laws are not around (read: not in the same city), but I generally limit my response in these discussions to supportive head nods and short answers to direct questions.
• Have fun with the siblings. I like my wife’s siblings, most of them. I regularly kick her brother’s butt at chess, discuss fantasy novels with her other brother, wrestle with her sister, and play with most of the family. There’s going to be times when you don’t get along with some of them, but they’re family, for better or worse, so you had better learn to have fun with them, or you’re going to regret it.