Marriage Advice From A Man
26 Feb
Over the past few months I have had several friends and family members get divorces. At least part of the reason for these divorces has been pornography addiction. Pornography is an awful vice that causes little but heartache and pain.
Forerunner.com offers some useful information here about the effects of pornography on those who view it. The following pieces are some excerpts from that article.
Psychologist Edward Donnerstein (University of Wisconsin) found that brief exposure to violent forms of pornography can lead to anti-social attitudes and behavior. Male viewers tend to be more aggressive towards women, less responsive to pain and suffering of rape victims, and more willing to accept various myths about rape.1
That’s more aggressive towards your wives, men.
Dr. Dolf Zimmerman and Dr. Jennings Bryant showed that continued exposure to pornography had serious adverse effects on beliefs about sexuality in general and on attitudes toward women in particular. They also found that pornography desensitizes people to rape as a criminal offense.2
Pornography depicts acts that are not part of regular sexual behavior. Men might feel they are not manly if they do not look like the men on the show, or if the women they’re with don’t look that way.
These researchers also found that massive exposure to pornography encourages a desire for increasingly deviant materials which involve violence, like sadomasochism and rape.3
Feminist author Diana Russell notes in her book Rape and Marriage the correlation between deviant behavior (including abuse) and pornography. She also found that pornography leads men and women to experience conflict, suffering, and sexual dissatisfaction.4
Women experience sexual arousal differently than men do. A man might watch a pornographic video or look at a magazine and be aroused. For many women, arousal doesn’t come without some sort of emotional element as well. In other words, a woman often has to feel emotionally safe and cared for before she is aroused. Pornography doesn’t do this and many men don’t understand that fact.
Researcher Victor Cline (University of Utah) has documented in his research how men become addicted to pornographic materials, begin to desire more explicit or deviant material, and end up acting out what they have seen.5
According to Charles Keating of Citizens for Decency Through Law, research reveals that 77 percent of child molesters of boys and 87 percent of child molesters of girls admitted imitating the sexual behavior they had seen modeled in pornography.Sociologists Murray Straus and Larry Baron (University of New Hampshire) found that rape rates are highest in states which have high sales of sex magazines and lax enforcement of pornography laws.6
Michigan state police detective Darrell Pope found that of the 38,000 sexual assault cases in Michigan (1956-1979), in 41 percent of the cases pornographic material was viewed just prior to or during the crime. This agrees with research done by psychotherapist David Scott who found that “half the rapists studied used pornography to arouse themselves immediately prior to seeking out a victim.”The Final Report of the 1986 Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography lists a full chapter of testimony (197-223) from victims whose assailants had previously viewed pornographic materials. The adverse effects range from physical harm (rape, torture, murder, sexually transmitted disease) to psychological harm (suicidal thoughts, fear, shame, nightmares).
By the way, all of this research applies not only to use of pornography during marriage, but also to the use of pornography before marriage, even if you stop.
Much of the research that is quoted above talks about pornography addiction. Like most addictive substances, people think they can consume them in moderation and never have a problem.
How likely are men to become addicted to pornography?
There are no hard and fast numbers for the numbers of men who are addicted to pornography but psychologists often say that addiction is a sign of a deeper issue. If pornography is interfering with your personal or marital life, I suggest you seek professional help.
1 Pornography and Violence Against Women, 1980.
2 “Pornography, Sexual Callousness, and the Trivialization of Rape,” Journal of Communication, 1982.
3 “The Effect of Erotica Featuring Sadomasochism and Bestiality of Motivated Inter-Male Aggressions,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 1981. 4 Rape and Marriage, 1982.
5 “Where Do You Draw the Line?” 1974.
6 “Legitimate Violence and Rape: A Test of the Cultural Spillover Theory,” 1985.
8 Responses for "Effects of Pornography on Marriage"
Do ya’ll have any tips to stop watching porn.Me watching it hurts my wife and takes a toll on our marraige.
Ask the holy spirit for strengh because you can’t fight this battle all on your own. Go to God with a sincere heart and ask him to remove your desire to watch such marriage -killing images. You have love God and wife wife more than you love pornography
Women’s organization such as National Organization of Women indirectly support pornography or at least they don’t condemn it. Many feminist think pornography in movies or such display by women in public is empowerment of women. Something is seriously wrong with the mentality of today’s women.
pornography has disastrous consequences for everyone involved, including the women who act in them. It is evil. The women who act in those movies get paid lot of money therefore they falsely think of themselves as glamourous and famous, but actually they are degrading themselves to animal level. They are also making the whole society degrade.
What goes around, comes around. Some women such as who act in them for lot of money, feminist organizations etc. are promoting it and some other women who are good women, suffer because it.
pornography is exploitation of men and not women. You can’t fight this evil on your own. Anywhere you go such as convenient stores you will see magazines on the shelves with women exposing themselves for money. Only by surrendering to divine you have any hope of overcoming it.
This morning me and my husband were laying in bed and he rolled over and grabbed his phone and started watching porn, I caught him watching and confronted him… He quickly exited and denied the whole thing,i later looked in his phone and found 3 full length videos saved on his phone…
I dont know how to approach this situation I am only 19 and we have only been married a little over a year and have a six month child. I have told him before how I feel about pornography, but he didnt seem to care.
About a month ago he asked me to do anal which I refused and some other things I let him do, should I not let him do those things that’s out of the ordinary our will that just fuel his desire to watch..
I dont know what to do and I dont know who to talk to because this is a very personal subject im begging for some advice here
From all of the literature out there, the first thing you, as a spouse, must understand is his problem is not about you. Though his desire to look at pornography will effect you, it is not your fault! For him, there could a number of reasons for looking at porn. I will mention some of these, but the reason are not mentioned to encourage you to become his therapist. That is not realistic and not your obligation.
First, it could be he is not getting the kind of “sex” he would like to fulfill his fantasies. However, sexuality and intimacy in marriage is best when each participates in a way that is comfortable for both of them. If he, your husband, has things he would like to do that you are not comfortable with, he should respect that and even be willing to work with you, your needs, and your desires. Marriage, afterall, should be seen as a partnership between equals.
Second, his desire to participate in sexual behavior you are not comfortable with may be a result of what he is seeing in the porn he uses. Again, this is not your fault. If this is the case, you unwillingness to participate in his fantasies is his problem, not yours. He should consider the source of his information before expecting you to go along with what he has in mind. I can think of better places to get sex help that would be healthy. Such help, as far as I have seen, has never come from a porn magazine or other porn media.
Third, there may be some other issues with your husband that are not being addressed. Issues that may not be a result of a poor sexual relationship, but other issues where his sense of self and goodness are in question. In this case, his use of porn may be a “release” to deal with whatever negative feelings he is having. If this is the case, the use of pornography is more of a compulsive behavior than an addiction. If this is the case, professional, group, and ecclesiastical help is likely in order.
Whatever the reason your husband is using porn, he needs to understand your feelings on the issue. I know you stated you have told him your feelings about porn and you should continue to be firm and clear in expressing your dissatisfaction with it. He should respect your wishes, having agreed to remain faithful to you and to cling to none else. If porn has become more important to him than honoring his vow to cling to none else, he as violated that sacred contract.
You have some tough decisions to make. I applaud you for seeking help and advice and urge you to continue doing so. Seek professional, group, and ecclesiastical help if you must. I would recommend he seek help as well if he is destroying your relationship over porn; this would be a clear sign of deep problem with porn.
You may even have to consider how much of it you will tolerate. If he continues in this behavior, using porn, disregarding your feelings, and jeopardizing your marriage, you need to decide how much you will take. He needs to know you serious about the matter and that you will not tolerate it.
I wish you the best.
Courtnie:
Another good resource for you is http://www.combatingpornography.org.
Best wishes.
My husband had a problem with porn before we got married. I did not realize it, until I found magazines hidden in our home. He also viewed porn on the internet on a regular basis. We have been in counseling for almost a year because of this issue. He promised me he would stop and he said he was sorry for hurting me, but I recently discovered he has been doing it again. It is the deception that hurts me. I don’t know how many times I can be lied to. I think I want a separation to decide what I would like to do.
My marriage counselor said that he has a process addiction. He used to be addicted to heroin, and is now, I think, addicted to porn.
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