I think there’s a self-reinforcing cycle at play here, too. Men tend to go where they find respect. As you accomplish more in gaming and less in real life, you’re probably more likely to want to spend more time gaming. If your spouse is telling you you’re a loser in real life, you’ll want to go where you can get an ego boost. I think that’s the reality for some of these guys. I don’t think the answer is faking respect, but getting more active in channeling his energy. It doesn’t need to be about less time on the Xbox, but about more time doing ______. Be specific, and maybe even plan it out for him. It probably feels like you shouldn’t have to plan your dates out together, but you might need to do it to get started. You might need to do the legwork to hook him up with someone that can teach him how to play the guitar, fix a car or whatever, so he can feel the pride of real life accomplishment. I would think that will naturally translate into being more present for most guys. Help steer him towards something that he’s expressed interest in, and applaud his efforts in that direction. And find ways to work on your emotional connection. Chances are he’s hiding out because your relationship is uncomfortable and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. I’d also point out that wives need to be careful with their hobbies, too. After the kids were old enough to not require constant attention, the tables turned and my wife would spend hours upon hours each day on writing or reading fan fiction, shows and other hobbies. There were characters that meant far more to her than me for a number of years. It sometimes still feels that way, actually. So women do this stuff, too, just in a different form. Both partners need to be active and engaged for marriages to grow and work. My wife is coming back to me now and I think we’re finally heading towards finding the happiness that we expected.

But the situations these wives and girlfriends share are just way past the line. Early in my marriage, I pulled something similar on my wife by playing computer games late into the night on most nights. It never totally consumed me, kept from my job, college, etc, but it did real harm to our relationship and I certainly regret it. I think there were a few things behind it.

Being a newly minted adult, it was the first time I had freedom to control most of my time so it seemed like a natural choice. I’d tell myself it was better than most other hobbies because I could be at home and somewhat available. I liked the adrenaline rush and problem-solving aspects of gaming. It was fun to have control over something when, as a college student and employee starting out, I didn’t feel a lot of control over what I did during the day. And, honestly, relating to my new wife was surprisingly difficult. I’d try to choose her first if she wanted to do something or I could think of something we could afford to do together, but those ideas often didn’t come so it was easier to just hop online.

It did come to strain my ability to function, especially as we had our first child. And that’s when I knew I’d had my fun but it was time to spend more time in real life. So it can get better. For the last several years, it would be an unusual week if I spent more than an hour or two on games. If I had stayed hooked, though, it might have taken an intervention to wake me up. My wife would have been right to talk to my friends and family if we were doing the kind of things I hear from these stories. It’s a thought.

To be continued…

Men hate this; it is boring and gets old after 5 minutes. Women love to talk about these things for hours. Call your girlfriend instead please.

How men like to unwind after work:
- Numb our brains and mindlessly press Xbox controller buttons while only using 10% of our brain capacity. This is how we ‘rest’ our brains.