Women are looking for ways to help their husbands play less Xbox. I’ve received a fair amount of traffic to this post from people typing these searches:
“My husband plays xbox too much”
“husband addicted to xbox live” “my husband plays xbox all the time”
It’s not that women want their husbands to stop playing altogether, but that many men are playing far too much. Well, I asked, how much is too much? I began taking informal surveys of women around me, young and old and came up with a few insightful responses.
One woman said that she read once in Ann Landers that anytime an activity takes time away from things that are important to you and you can’t change how much time you’re spending on it, then you’re addicted to it. Pretty good way to sum it up, if you ask me.
Another woman said that it’s not so much that her husband plays Xbox (or other video games) too much, it’s just that he spends more time on video games than he spends on her.
That’s the important point. She’s not concerned about the activity, but about her.
Men, this is what we have to understand. Our wives aren’t the whining nags that we sometimes think they are. They are sweet, beautiful, lovely women who crave attention from the man that they chose to devote the rest of their lives to. You.
Realizing this, I started asking some of my married guy friends about this problem. In typical guy fashion, the conversation wasn’t very long, but informative nonethless.
One male friend mentioned that while Xbox is just a game or a thing to do, it is also a way of escaping. Women for most part are relationship oriented, they deal with their problems by talking about them. Men deal with their problems by holing up in their cave until they have thought it out, or they’ve distracted themselves enough from the problem that it doesn’t seem as large anymore.
One friend even went so far as to say that if he didn’t have video games, his relationship with his wife and children would suffer. Why? Because when he has a long day at work, then comes home and helps with the kids, plays with them, listens to his wife for a while and shows her he cares about her, he needs some time to himself because he hasn’t been able to unwind and release the stress of the day yet. He does that by escaping into another world where he gets to be a hero or at least a superman of some kind.
Every man needs to feel appreciated and heroic. Video games fulfill this need in some strange, small way. Just enough to release the stress that comes from a regular day of slaying dragons.
So then the question that I come to, which I posed before (and still never really answered), is this: how much time is too much time in front of the video game console?
I think different couples have to work it out in different ways, but it’s true that it has to be worked out. The majority of video game players are over age 30. Halo 3 showed that video games can have bigger opening weekends than some movies. These statistics show that video games are quickly becoming a major part of our entertainment choices. Just like any other issue that comes up in a relationship, if it’s important to one spouse, then it should be treated with respect by the other.
Some suggestions for Good Husbands:
- Your wife comes first. If she needs your attention, assume that she respects you enough to ask only when it’s important.
- Talk to your wife about how much you like gaming, why you like it, and how it helps your relationship. Compromise with her on how much time is realistically okay to play.
- Don’t let games take away from family time. Plan your gaming time, your family time, and alone time with your wife, and don’t let one interfere with the other.
- Check in with your wife on occasion while you are playing, just to let her know you love her and care about her. After you’re done, go to her and let her know how much you appreciate her.
Some suggestions for wives:
- Don’t belittle your husband’s love of gaming. Many video games are mature, sophisticated and inspire a great deal of loyalty. Treat it like any other adult hobby. You can’t give a “no video games ever rule.”
- If your husband needs space, let him have it. Men don’t deal with problems the same way women do. Let them get some stress relief and fun. Don’t talk to him while he’s trying to game.
- Try playing a game with him. 38% of video games are played by women, and that percentage is growing as developers figure out ways to attract female players.
- Don’t automatically be available every time your husband is not playing video games. Find things you enjoy doing and schedule them when your husband is playing and you’ll be less stressed about his gaming.
We could use your suggestions. I’m sure I haven’t thought of everything, so I’d love to hear how you sorted it out in your relationships, or how you would sort it out.
...continued.
I think there's a self-reinforcing cycle at play here, too. Men tend to go where they find respect. As you accomplish more in gaming and less in real life, you're probably more likely to want to spend more time gaming. If your spouse is telling you you're a loser in real life, you'll want to go where you can get an ego boost. I think that's the reality for some of these guys. I don't think the answer is faking respect, but getting more active in channeling his energy. It doesn't need to be about less time on the Xbox, but about more time doing ______. Be specific, and maybe even plan it out for him. It probably feels like you shouldn't have to plan your dates out together, but you might need to do it to get started. You might need to do the legwork to hook him up with someone that can teach him how to play the guitar, fix a car or whatever, so he can feel the pride of real life accomplishment. I would think that will naturally translate into being more present for most guys. Help steer him towards something that he's expressed interest in, and applaud his efforts in that direction. And find ways to work on your emotional connection. Chances are he's hiding out because your relationship is uncomfortable and he doesn't know how to deal with it. I'd also point out that wives need to be careful with their hobbies, too. After the kids were old enough to not require constant attention, the tables turned and my wife would spend hours upon hours each day on writing or reading fan fiction, shows and other hobbies. There were characters that meant far more to her than me for a number of years. It sometimes still feels that way, actually. So women do this stuff, too, just in a different form. Both partners need to be active and engaged for marriages to grow and work. My wife is coming back to me now and I think we're finally heading towards finding the happiness that we expected.
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