Comments on: Caring for A Chronically Ill Spouse

By: Maryann

Maryann — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 16:11:24 +0000

Sharon,

I’m commenting from the other side. :o) I was recently diagnosed with yet another problem (Lupus). Prior to that I was very difficult to live with.

For me it was a combination of pain and anger. I too wanted to die, and said something very similar to my husband. “You and the kids will get the money, have a nice trip wherever you three go! It won’t matter to me, I’ll be dead!”.

Yes the verbal abuse was bad and the 2 y.o. is at a point now where he hears us raise our voice in ANY discussion and immediately tells us to stop. Physical abuse reared it’s ugly head too. I thank God that getting a new medication helped the situation immensely! My husband never stopped saying I love you. Believe it or not THAT helped me when the fury was at it’s worse.

I am diabetic, physically handicapped, suffer from chronic pain and have not felt normal in over 10 years. There is no excuse for my actions, none, but our faith has helped as well as our ability to forgive.

Have faith Sharon. Amazing but true.

By: Cory H.

Cory H. — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 14:47:02 +0000

Sharon, I would say your poor husband is in the anger stage of grief. I’m not a licensed psychologist, but it seems fairly obvious to me.

He’s very ill, close to dying, and he just lost a major portion of his body - he’s grieving his age and lost vigor. That kind of thing could make anyone angry.

My recommendation would be to seek professional grief counseling. If your husband won’t go, then do it yourself to find out how you can make your life better.

By: sharon

sharon — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 07:38:14 +0000

Hi everyone,
i’m not sure if i’m doing this right but here goes,
i care for my husband who is 49 i am 43 he has emphysema, pulmonary fibrosis and this year had most of his right lung removed, he is on oxygen 24/7. he has had anger issues and gets moody for as long as i’ve known him but these last few months his verbal abuse is really bad, me and the kids have been there for him i have cared for him loved him supported him i put everything into making sure he was ok but he couldn’t see what he has and i become his target and was to blame for everything, he kept walking around everyday saying i wanted him dead and he should have died in surgery it would be better than living with me, he made my birthday horrible and i was in tears all day. he then started saying i will get my wish and a few days later he took heaps of pills and ended up in hospital, he is now on mood stabilizers and is back at home, he isn’t yelling at me but things are no better he wont talk about why he did what he did and i’m finding it hard to forgive him for all the abuse… there has been no love life in our relationship for over a year and a half, it just feels like i am his nurse and nothing more…
i suffer from panic attacks and his bad moods make them worse, he can’t see that we are all affected by his illness he thinks its just him going through it all…
i don’t know what to do

By: MIchael Calladine

MIchael Calladine — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 03:16:39 +0000

My wife has lupus and rheumatoid arthritis. I was informed of this before I got involved, but she was in remission at the time and I had NO idea what it really meant. Between us we have 5 daughters and it feels like there is never time for a break. Our kids are in school all day and I’m in school. She stays home all day and then jumps on me when I return. I know she is hurting and angry and frustrated with her situation, but it is SOOOOOOO hard not to tell her to go stuff it when she demands more of me than I can manage.
One of her girls has Asberger’s syndrome and we suspect that my wife also has it. Fun.
I won’t leave her, but it feels like abuse many days. She is in so much distress that she doesn’t she that I am also suffering. When I tell her how I feel she always compares it to her own struggles. How the hell can I compete with that!
Why can’t I have a night out without her? She tells me that she wants me to go out with her instead, but those night get cancelled often because of her illness.
Thank you for reading to my rant. I don’t really expect a solution.
-M

By: Richard Anderson

Richard Anderson — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 21:46:13 +0000

Very perceptive blog post from Cory H. I’d like to suggest for husbands, wives or partners of a person with chronic illness and/or disability, to take time for themselves by checking out the Well Spouse Association, and its online forum, here: http://wellspouse.org/forums

By: Charlie C

Charlie C — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 04:38:23 +0000

12/20/09

Why?

How blessed are we
Who live our lives
Free of pain and suffering.
Father of Life
I pray each day
You take her pain away
And wonder,
Why, oh God, must she suffer so?

She, the one You joined to me.
My partner in life.
Her agony
Is hard for me to bear.
But the pain I feel for her,
Is nothing when compared
To her suffering.
Why, oh God, must she suffer so?

In my life
I have never known anyone
That has suffered
So much
For so long.
Job has nothing on her.
Her strength to endure…
Incredible.
Why, oh God, must she suffer so?

Decades, three, have come and gone
Since her suffering began.
Countless prayers for healing
Have returned empty.
I wonder, are You deaf?
Have You no mercy?
Help me understand,
Why, oh God, must she suffer so?

Her temper,
Raw and inflamed,
Like her swollen limbs,
Lashes out at those she loves.
Then, in response,
She collapses
In despair.
Why, oh God, must she suffer so?

You know what it’s like,
At night,
While she sleeps,
To hear her pain filled sighs,
With every breath.
Do You hear me crying?
So many times I’ve cried,
“Why, oh God, must she suffer so?”

Poppy potions
And toxic concoctions
To numb the pain
Have taken their toll
On her
And us all.
She’s not the same,
You know…..

Nor am I.

By: Ruth

Ruth — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:28:57 +0000

I have learned I have to spend time for myself. My husband is able to do somethings, but mostly tired out so I must do the physical work. I have friends that help me cope too.

By: Maryann

Maryann — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 05:39:38 +0000

Thank you sooooooo very much! I am diabetic (40 years now), handicapped, severe chronic pain sufferer (from accident), arthritis, Neuropathy on both feet and partial on left hand and now all those problems have gotten worse since the birth of our son in 2006. He, my husband, too knew of my health problems before we got married. In the beginning he was doing great, but now I feel that he does not really listen to me anymore when I try to talk to him, or that he pushes too hard on trying to “take care” of me. I think the biggest problem are my feelings in general. instead of a hug and kind words I get a “scolding” or a distant “oh your going to be just fine”. I try to give helpful hints and advice I’ve received to make things better between us and I feel like it is in one ear and out the other. Depression is high on the list for chronically ill patients. I’m sure you know that too. I’m trying so hard to keep my head on straight and hoping I can get his back on! I will be forwarding your advice and I pray that it hits home for him. Many people think that we are stupid for having a baby with all these problems knowing full well that my issues could/would worsen with a pregnancy. But we did it and have no regrets. Sometimes I look at our son and know that mommy and daddy’s relationship will survive. We just need to find the correct band-aids and ace bandages to keep it together That’s all!! I know that your words will definitely be a start in the right direction!!!! Thanks again

By: 10 ways to be a good husband | A Good Husband

10 ways to be a good husband | A Good Husband — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 02:22:36 +0000

[...] all of you will have to live with having a spouse who is chronically ill, but you will have to deal with illness, injury, and emotional distress. You should care about how [...]

By: Carol

Carol — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 04:47:45 +0000

It’s nice to know that my hubby isn’t the only one who wishes he could make his wife healthy. He also married me knowing I wasn’t perfect…