Tracy Hickman wrote an essay that I found seminal to understanding why I like books and movies like Lord of the Rings, Beowulf, and Star Wars.

The essay talks about the form of the mythic story in Western culture. From the story Beowulf to modern times, fantasy/sci fi stories contain common elements. A Hero figure leaves his home to go on a journey of unknown time or length. He goes in order to right some sort of wrong (in Beowulf’s case he’s avenging the monster’s attack on his homeland). While he is away he has experiences that force him to learn and grow as a person. After going on the journey (not always successfully completing the original task) the hero returns home, changed forever.

How does all of this relate to being a husband?

In two ways:
Men love this Fantasy of Manhood, and Husbands are often held to it.

Men love to be heroes. They like to right wrongs, fight evil, and be seen as strong. Think about “guy movies,” and all of the comic book and cartoon heroes from your childhood (some of my favorites). Little boys play as Superman, Batman, and other imaginary beings who can help save the world. They want to grow up to be just like these heroes.

As adults men we know that we don’t have superpowers, but we like to be seen as heroes to our ladies. When a woman lets us help her by fixing a problem for her, we love it. It somehow affirms out manhood. I know that whenever my wife comes to me with a problem I’m always eager to figure out how to fix whatever is wrong.

The difficulty with the Fantasy of Manhood is that it holds them to an ideal that often cannot be reached. Much has been made of how adult entertainment debases women and turns them into sex objects. The Fantasy of Manhood does the same thing to men, perhaps in an even more subtle way.

Women are turned on by relationships, by men who know how to communicate with them and are willing to go to great lengths to make them happy. It can take a long time to develop some of those skills. Also, many women like men who are able to take care of them and protect them. Those attributes are also skills that must be developed over time. The more experience a man has the better he is at communication, and the better he is at providing (his income goes up).

The Fantasy of Manhood is a useful concept in understanding relationships. It can help women better understand what motivates men, and help men understand that it’s okay to want to be a strong, heroic figure. Balance, however, must be achieved. We cannot be held to unrealistic ideals.

In future posts I am going to examine some of the mythic figures of manhood in popular culture and history. I’ll talk about what makes men like them so much, and how their stories can be related to the Fantasy of Manhood.