The Little Things in Marriage
The following is a conversation that I had with my wife:
Wife: You have more hair.
Me: Of course I do.
Wife: No, I mean you have more hair on your back and shoulders.
Me: Well, yeah. I’m getting older.
Wife: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, when guys get older, they grow more hair in parts other than their head. It happens to all guys.
Wife: Eeww! Really?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: That’s…I don’t know how I feel about that.
Me: Well, hopefully you like it, because it’s only going to get worse as I get older.
Wife: …
Me: Your dad is probably getting more hairy.
Wife: Ew! Ew! Ew! (runs away into the other room)
Me: Chuckles. Stops and looks at back in the mirror.
Every marriage has their little things that make life interesting. They’re the odd conversations you have where you learn something surprising about your partner. The time when you see your spouse display a heretofore unknown talent for drawing after knowing them for three years. Those little things stick in your memory and make you smile when you remember them, even years later.
It’s these little things that make the best friends and the best lovers. Those little things are the little stitches, the tiny drops of glue that form the bond between you and your partner. Love can last a lifetime. You just have to fill it with those little things that make you laugh.
What are the little things in your marriage that make you laugh?
Featured on Stay Happily Married & CNN
Check out my guest appearance on the Stay Happily Married podcast, where I talk about the 4 Step Relationship Review. You can listen to it here, or you can download it on iTunes or download it here. Listen and let me know what you think!
To those readers who came here from the Stay Happily Married podcast - welcome! You can find my original post on the 4 Step Relationship Review here. For a good idea of what this site is about, you might check out the most recent 5 posts. They cover the most popular topics of the last year on A Good Husband.
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Retrospective: Chivalry is Dead Because Men Are Killing It
The one year anniversary of A Good Husband came and went without much fanfare (first post here). This has been a modest project by any measurement, but I am glad that it has been met with well wishes by so many of you. For the next few days, until after the New Year, I want to share with you some of the best posts from the last year.
Chivalry is Dead Because Men Are Killing It is a classic example of a blogger rant. These kinds of rants are irritating when done all the time, but occasionally the passion bleeds out and people respond to it. Chivalry is a bit of controversial topic. Is it a good thing? Is it an out of date byproduct of a frightening era? You decide.
Image courtesy of think2ink.wordpress.com
Men may not comment much on Daddy Blogs. They also may not comment much on websites about how to be a good husband. Men also, apparently, don’t think much of chivalry. You know where they do comment though? They comment on websites about how women are entitlement princesses, gold diggers, and whores.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have come across a couple of blogs that I originally thought were about male empowerment and becoming a better man. As I read posts however, and read comments and participated in the discussions, I discovered that these sites were more about enabling men who don’t want to step up to the plate and make the world what it could be.
These men have several flawed arguments for not stepping up.
- Feminism teaches women to disrespect men. While certain elements of feminism are anti-male, that’s not what feminism is about. Modern feminism is about women taking their rights into their own hands, being strong enough to stand for those rights, while at the same time still owning the right to be feminine in speech, dress, and manner.
- Women don’t want men who are strong leaders. Also not true. Women want men who are good husbands, fathers, and friends. Part of being a man is stepping up and using those uniquely masculine traits to make the world a better place. Glenn Sacks can come up with all the examples he wants of crazy, spiteful women whom no one would trust. Meanwhile, there are millions of women who quietly wish their man would step up to the plate, or who proudly support the man they married - who is a strong leader in the family and the community.
- Women now get better treatment than men in the media. I wish this fallacy would go away as well. While it is definitely true that man bashing is now in vogue with the media, that doesn’t mean that the degradation of women has lessened to a noticeable degree. We still see women as sex objects in advertising, the sexualization of little girls, and depiction of women as vapid, weak willed airheads. Too bad stereotypes are such easy advertising tools.
There are men out there who step up to the plate, don’t get me wrong. If you’re a Daddy blogger reading this, you’re most likely one of them. The Daddy Bloggers of the world have to understand that we live in a skewed world view, however, and that there are still plenty of men out there who sincerely believe that:
- Chauvinism is okay.
- Men don’t have to be leaders & providers.
- Pornography, voyeurism, and casual sex are okay.
- Physical, Emotional and Sexual Abuse are okay.
So how about it? What are you doing each day to help the world be a little bit better place? Do you stand up for what it means to be a real man? Do you stand up for chivalry?
Retrospective: Divorce is Too Easy
The one year anniversary of A Good Husband came and went without much fanfare (first post here). This has been a modest project by any measurement, but I am glad that it has been met with well wishes by so many of you. For the next few days, until after the New Year, I want to share with you some of the best posts from the last year.
Divorce is Too Easy was a post that I wrote when I was feeling very passionate. Many marriage advice forums around the internet are full of people who seem to think divorce is the right alternative far too often. Marriage is sacred and should be treated as such. Difficulties in marriage are opportunities for growth. Here’s the post.
On a relationship forum that I participate in regularly, there seems to be a great deal of “divorce him” talk going on.
People visit these relationship forums because they are looking for advice and help. While I don’t expect online forums to deliver professional advice, I would expect people to give advice that isn’t damaging. People come to these forums and ask for help with difficult situations of all sorts. Many of them are beyond my scope to help with, but the people in these forums were quick to suggest divorce, among other options.
Divorce is an ugly thing. We all know that. The national divorce statistics hover (in many cases have dropped below) right around 40%. Divorce has some serious negative side effects for those involved including a lowered life expectancy for men, a lower financial standard of living for women (and their children by extension) caused by the gender gap in wages, and children suffer from a loss of interpersonal skills and a lack of correct interpersonal relationship modeling.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that while there are a few good reasons for divorce, like abuse or infidelity, suggesting divorce as an initial option is hardly conducive to helping. If there were ever a case for two people who could have felt justified in getting a divorce without using the excuse of abuse or infidelity, it was my wife and I.
Our first year was pretty darn rough. We both made pretty much every relationship mistake that you can make, plus we were really young, both in college, my wife was very sick, and we had no money.
We sought out advice. We were counseled to communicate better. We tried several different discussion formats. Some worked, some didn’t. I had to learn how to share my feelings. She had to learn that not every part of the relationship has to be perfect. We were told to lower our expectations. We were told “that’s just how it is” and that we’d better get used to it.
Despite all of the well meaning advice we were given, I know that the thing that kept us together and made us want to keep trying was not only did we love each other, but we recognized that marriage is a covenant. We had made a promise before God and each other that we would stay together forever. We endured a year of unhappiness, and a second year of uneasy discomfort, before we started to really figure marriage out.
Our marriage isn’t perfect now. We’ve been married about five and a half years and we still have the occasional disagreement. Feelings still get hurt, but we’ve figured out how to handle it. We could have gotten divorced but now we’re glad we didn’t. We both feel it was worth it to work through the hurt. Our greatest joy is each other, and I believe that it will stay that way for the rest of our lives because we are both willing to work at it rather than take the easy way out.
Retrospective: Effects of Pornography on Marriage
The one year anniversary of A Good Husband came and went without much fanfare (first post here). This has been a modest project by any measurement, but I am glad that it has been met with well wishes by so many of you. For the next few days, until after the New Year, I want to share with you some of the best posts from the last year.
The Effects of Pornography on Marriage is probably the most controversial post that I’ve written. For some reason, despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary, many people feel that pornography is a good aphrodisiac or a harmless diversion. The post elicted dozens of emotional comments before I changed servers. You should also check out the Overcoming Porn Addiction guest post series by Covenant Eyes community manager Luke Gilkerson.
Over the past few months I have had several friends and family members get divorces. At least part of the reason for these divorces has been pornography addiction. Pornography is an awful vice that causes little but heartache and pain.
Forerunner.com offers some useful information here about the effects of pornography on those who view it. The following pieces are some excerpts from that article.
Psychologist Edward Donnerstein (University of Wisconsin) found that brief exposure to violent forms of pornography can lead to anti-social attitudes and behavior. Male viewers tend to be more aggressive towards women, less responsive to pain and suffering of rape victims, and more willing to accept various myths about rape.1
That’s more aggressive towards your wives, men.
Dr. Dolf Zimmerman and Dr. Jennings Bryant showed that continued exposure to pornography had serious adverse effects on beliefs about sexuality in general and on attitudes toward women in particular. They also found that pornography desensitizes people to rape as a criminal offense.2
Pornography depicts acts that are not part of regular sexual behavior. Men might feel they are not manly if they do not look like the men on the show, or if the women they’re with don’t look that way.
These researchers also found that massive exposure to pornography encourages a desire for increasingly deviant materials which involve violence, like sadomasochism and rape.3
Feminist author Diana Russell notes in her book Rape and Marriage the correlation between deviant behavior (including abuse) and pornography. She also found that pornography leads men and women to experience conflict, suffering, and sexual dissatisfaction.4
Women experience sexual arousal differently than men do. A man might watch a pornographic video or look at a magazine and be aroused. For many women, arousal doesn’t come without some sort of emotional element as well. In other words, a woman often has to feel emotionally safe and cared for before she is aroused. Pornography doesn’t do this and many men don’t understand that fact.
Researcher Victor Cline (University of Utah) has documented in his research how men become addicted to pornographic materials, begin to desire more explicit or deviant material, and end up acting out what they have seen.5
According to Charles Keating of Citizens for Decency Through Law, research reveals that 77 percent of child molesters of boys and 87 percent of child molesters of girls admitted imitating the sexual behavior they had seen modeled in pornography.Sociologists Murray Straus and Larry Baron (University of New Hampshire) found that rape rates are highest in states which have high sales of sex magazines and lax enforcement of pornography laws.6
Michigan state police detective Darrell Pope found that of the 38,000 sexual assault cases in Michigan (1956-1979), in 41 percent of the cases pornographic material was viewed just prior to or during the crime. This agrees with research done by psychotherapist David Scott who found that “half the rapists studied used pornography to arouse themselves immediately prior to seeking out a victim.”The Final Report of the 1986 Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography lists a full chapter of testimony (197-223) from victims whose assailants had previously viewed pornographic materials. The adverse effects range from physical harm (rape, torture, murder, sexually transmitted disease) to psychological harm (suicidal thoughts, fear, shame, nightmares).
By the way, all of this research applies not only to use of pornography during marriage, but also to the use of pornography before marriage, even if you stop.
Much of the research that is quoted above talks about pornography addiction. Like most addictive substances, people think they can consume them in moderation and never have a problem.
How likely are men to become addicted to pornography?
There are no hard and fast numbers for the numbers of men who are addicted to pornography but psychologists often say that addiction is a sign of a deeper issue. If pornography is interfering with your personal or marital life, I suggest you seek professional help.
1 Pornography and Violence Against Women, 1980.
2 “Pornography, Sexual Callousness, and the Trivialization of Rape,” Journal of Communication, 1982.
3 “The Effect of Erotica Featuring Sadomasochism and Bestiality of Motivated Inter-Male Aggressions,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 1981. 4 Rape and Marriage, 1982.
5 “Where Do You Draw the Line?” 1974.
6 “Legitimate Violence and Rape: A Test of the Cultural Spillover Theory,” 1985.
Retrospective: 10 Ways to Be A Good Husband
The one year anniversary of A Good Husband came and went without much fanfare (first post here). This has been a modest project by any measurement, but I am glad that it has been met with well wishes by so many of you. For the next few days, until after the New Year, I want to share with you some of the best posts from the last year.
10 Ways to Be A Good Husband was the first post that hit it big on Stumbleupon, and still gets a lot of search traffic. It’s also the most popular post for people who are looking through the archives. Here’s the post.
1. Respect the Sanctity of Marriage
Put your marriage first. Whether you are religious or not, some things are just sacred. Marriage is very near the top of the list of sacred things. Society is built on successful families and successful families are built on a bedrock foundation of trust, love and fidelity. If every man in the world would treat his marriage like it was the most important thing in the world, above his career, friends, and hobbies, then so much of society’s problems would be solved.
2. Be Her Sounding Board
Listen to what your wife has to say. Sometimes she needs to talk to someone and that doesn’t necessarily mean she needs you to fix it. This has always been a difficult thing for me to do. Sometimes instead of having a problem fixed, women just want someone to listen to them so they can talk it out and work it out in their own minds and hearts. She might ask for suggestions or thoughts, but sometimes what she really wants is just a sounding board.
3. Show Respect and Withhold Judgement
Most likely (HOPEFULLY!) you respected your wife’s intelligence and capabilities when you married her. You should continue to do that. Women want to feel respected and cherished. They want to feel safe. If your wife makes a suggestion that you disagree with or find unreasonable, try asking her what she means, and do it in as kind a tone as possible. You might find that behind her unreasonable suggestion is a little nugget of wisdom that you did not recognize.
4. Know When to Make it About You
Every marriage should be built on the premise of making it about your spouse first. There are times, however, when an individual’s needs must be met before they can be capable of helping others. If you are really upset about something, don’t just bury it under manly silence. Tell her about it and ask for her help. Most wives will be more than glad to listen and care about you. You are not less of a man if you need help with a problem every once in a while, or if you just need to blow off a little steam. Indeed, I would say that most wives appreciate it a great deal when their husbands really open up to them about what’s troubling them.
5. Word Hard and Work Smart
Women are attracted to men who are able providers, protectors, and nurturers. They want a man who can and will be an able partner in life. It is fulfilling for a man to work hard and succeed at whatever he does. if the job requires more time than originally estimated, if it’s more strenuous than originally thought, a Good Husband will gird up his loins and redouble his efforts. Of course, working long and difficult hours when you don’t have to is less than effective. Think about what you’re doing and whether it’s actually worth it. Is there a better way to get it done? Can it be more efficient? Good Husbands use their intellect as well as their brawn.
6. Be A Leader
Do you have something you believe in? Do you hold to your convictions no matter what? If so, these are admirable traits in a man. I’m not talking about being obstinate or obtuse, I mean standing up for what’s right and convincing others to do the same. There is a whole industry built around learning how to lead, but let me just say this: if more men would take the time to help those who need a little direction, the world would be a better place.
7. Be Affectionate
Admit it. You like cuddling just a little bit. No? Fake it. Women need to feel loved and cared about. Give her a little pat when you walk by, compliment her when she’s doing some task, give her a kiss before you walk out the door. If you don’t know what kind of affection makes your wife happy, then I suggest you read The Five Love Languages. That book will show you how to find out what each of you needs in a relationship to communicate love and affection.
8. Care About Her Well Being
Not all of you will have to live with having a spouse who is chronically ill, but you will have to deal with illness, injury, and emotional distress. You should care about how your wife is feeling. She is delicate and sensitive. She needs to be cared for and it is your responsibility to do so. In addition to general health concerns, women feel better when they are allowed to be beautiful. Pamper her. I remember when I first got married and found out how much makeup and hair products cost. I almost went through the roof, but then I realized that it makes my wife happy, which in turn makes me happy.
9. Be Generous and Fair
I take care of the family finances in our household and I always make sure that my wife has some money. Whoever takes care of the money in your house, make sure that your wife is cared for and not deprived. Buy her treats and presents. Be liberal with your household budget and trust that she will be careful with the hard earned money. It’s amazing what a woman can do with a home when she is allowed free reign with decorating and arranging.
10. Think Like a Team
However you have worked out your roles within the household, whether one works and one stays home with the kids, or both work, you are a team working towards a common goal. Do you have goals? My wife and I sit down each Sunday afternoon and have family counsel. We talk about our plans for the week, how we can help each other, any business that needs to be discussed, and then we share at least 3 three things we like about each other. It usually takes about 30 minutes but it’s an integral part of our marriage.
Do you have any other suggestions?
Retrospective: The Xbox Conundrum.
The one year anniversary of A Good Husband came and went without much fanfare (first post here). This has been a modest project by any measurement, but I am glad that it has been met with well wishes by so many of you. For the next few days, until after the New Year, I want to share with you some of the best posts from the last year.
The Xbox Conundrum was my first post that got Dugg and Stumbled. There were dozens of comments (now erased after I moved servers) from women about how they became Xbox widows. This post inspired me to do a little digging to find out how many women this was happening to, and how real video game addiction is.
Here’s the post, in its entirety:
At my company work party they gave away a bunch of video game consoles. I won an Xbox 360. I’ve wanted an Xbox for a really long time now. I haven’t had one since the Sega Genesis (anybody else remember Shining Force, that game was awesome!).
I was absolutely ecstatic last night when I won. I made a bit of a fool of myself because I was so excited (but I do that on a regular basis, so no one was surprised). I jumped up and down and screamed a lot. My co-workers were excited for me so that I can join the ranks of after work online play.
My coworker’s wife said, “Does your wife know she’s never going to see you again?”
It made me stop and pause. I thought about how much some men that I know play Xbox. While her comment was said jokingly it held a kernel of truth. Her husband is a good guy. He works hard at work, and is a valuable employee. I also believe that he’s a good husband and father to their children.
It made me think. How much time is too much time in front of the video game console? It’s a serious issue. With so much media out there distracting our time, and treatment programs opening worldwide for video game addiction, men (and women) have to evaluate how much time they’re spending in front of the screen.
EDIT: Derek Semmler over at Dad Balance has made a note on how the Nintendo Wii can help you experience time travel.
Even if we’re not addicted, how much time is too much time? What do you think?
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas to you and to your family. God bless you and send you a happy New Year.
Surviving the Holidays with Your In-Laws
Right about now young couples the world over are traveling to a family member’s house to visit for the holidays. Many husbands will be staying at their wife’s parents’ home - here are some tips to avoid blowing your top with family that was never yours to begin with.
It’s completely normal to feel nervous and overwhelmed at spending the holidays with your in-laws. Just remember, the holiday is there to relax, have fun, and build relationships with your family.
1. Be pleasant to everyone. People react to you the way that you greet them. No matter how your last encounter with in-laws and your spouse’s siblings went, be nice to them and smile when you see them. Get things started off right, at least. Compliment the girls on their new hairstyles, and ask the guys about their new tools/cars/other toys.
2. Make room for yourself. Your wife’s family has been together for a long time - much longer than you’ve known them. They all know where they belong in the pecking order and who usually does what. Find a way to contribute to the holiday festivities, whether it’s helping with food, clean up, or wrapping presents. If the family has a holiday tradition like re-enacting the Birth of the Savior, figure out in advance how you get to participate, and ask for clarification on things that don’t make sense.
3. Befriend the siblings. Chances are at least one of your wife’s siblings also thinks that Mom’s tradition of hand making Christmas patterned sweater vests for the entire family is a little bit hokey. Use that to build common ground. Having one of the siblings as a friend is one of your best resources when things start to get really tense. You might find that they can lighten the situation with a little humor on your side. They might also be kind enough to quietly explain to you why Grandma’s Jello mold is eaten every year even though no one likes it and Grandma has been gone for 10 years.
4. Learn selective ignorance. Every family has their established feuds and hot button issues. After you’ve been with your wife for a while, you’ll learn what they are. Do yourself a favor and stay out of them. When they come up, subtly leave the room. Under no circumstances should you start laughing when Johnny starts arguing with your mother-in-law about having girls over - no matter how many times you’ve heard the argument - you’ve never heard the argument before and it’s not funny. Bonus tip: don’t tell your in-laws how to raise their children.
5. Join the holiday traditions. Is there an annual Christmas Day game of Monopoly that lasts for six hours? Does her family take pictures of every single present being opened? Does her family always light candles and sing hymns on Christmas Eve? Join in the craziness. These seemingly inane or repetitive traditions are built-in traditions in her family’s house. Learn to love them and adapt them for your own future family traditions. Even though they seem simplistic, these are the things that build families.
6. Plan “we time.” No matter how much your wife loves your family, odds are that she would like some time with you while you’re on vacation. Make sure you plan some time where the two of you can be alone and have some fun together. Get a hotel room for one of the nights if it’s a long trip. Go out on a walk with just the two of you. Give each other a special gift when you’re alone together.
7. Bring electronic backup. Your laptop, iPod, NintendoDS, and other electronics are your friends. Bring them along just in case things get too scary. Every man needs cave time, and being with the in-laws naturally brings out insecurities and a need to get away. Don’t use them to the point of ignoring family, but having them is helpful.
8. Set your boundaries. Your in-laws may be very touchy-feely or just gregarious. Know your limits. If hordes of screaming children are not your thing, then pull yourself out of the situation before your nerves explode and you find yourself tossing a small child into the Christmas tree. Don’t make a scene, but just pull yourself away for a while and read, go for a walk, or play a video game.
Husbands and Large Families
This post goes out to my brother-in-law. A few months ago he married a girl that he had met only a few months previously. He was previously married and had two kids. His new wife was also previously married and had four kids. Now, together they have six kids. My brother-in-law is the same age that I am, 28 years old.
Six kids at 28 years old. Kinda crazy, right?
Yesterday we landed in Utah to visit family for the Christmas vacation. The brother-in-law picked us up at the airport and we went to his house for the evening, where the craziness ensued. If you’ve ever been in a confined area with six children under the age of 9, then you can imagine the pandemonium that broke out when all the kids came inside.
Through the maelstrom, my brother-in-law and his new wife were happy, harried, and in love. Even as they wrangled food for the kids, helped them pack for a winter snowmobiling trip, set up a pen for the two dogs, and got out a board game for them, they found time to kiss, touch, and generally show appreciation and affection for each other.
I hope that when my wife and I have children that we’ll be as capable and loving as they are.